incoherent ranting, or: you guys are driving me crazier.
So I've been noticing some shit in Star Trek fic, and that's just the stuff that I read, since for my own sanity I cherrypick constantly. This list does not include the exasperation of reading something where Jim suddenly goes all emo and thinky.
1. Uhura and Spock (... or Kirk) probably cannot have a baby accidentally. You know how in the movie, tiny Spock has that drop of green blood on his lip? That's because Vulcans have copper blood (ichor?) and, I don't know how to break this to you guys, humans have iron blood. RH factors have nothing on attempting to support something with an entirely different chemical makeup for nine months. There is no way Spock was an accident.
And, I don't know how to put this delicately, but hybrids? Usually cannot breed true, or even at all. Spock has more than an even chance of being sterile, okay? ... now go forth and write hilariously nerdy fics about genetic engineering and how it applies to having kids with Spock.
(I remember one, which I did not save, where Uhura secretly has Bones do the whole genetic manipulation thing so she can get pregnant but I am still trying to block it out because a) UHURA WOULD NOT GET PREGNANT AS A SURPRISE PRESENT TO SPOCK, Jesus Christ! and b) BONES WOULD NOT ACCEPT HER WORD THAT THIS WAS A CO-DECISION WITHOUT TALKING TO SPOCK IN PERSON. This is Medical Ethics / LET'S NOT GET SUED UNTIL THE MIDDLE OF THE NEXT GALAXY MMMKAY? 101, dudes. Also, totally out of character for both of them.)
1a. On that note, stop fucking with Uhura's character so you can pair Spock with Jim or Bones, Jesus. I don't even ship Spock/Uhura and it drives me crazy. If you want to break them up, do it honestly!
2. Okay, dudes, I know that 24 hour time is not commonly used in the US outside of well military or healthcare, but it is not that hard to deal with.
Midnight starts the clock at 0000.
11:59 ends the clock at 2359.
Noon is 1200.
AFTER NOON, TIME IS CALCULATED BY ADDING ONTO TWELVE. So if you have something happening at 5pm (ie, five hours after noon), you add 5 to 12 to get 1700 hours. So on and so forth. See? Easy as pre-made pie.
I don't generally put the colon on military time but I don't think it's incorrect, either.
Just. You cannot have an event at 0200 in the afternoon. If something is at 0200 it is, by definition, not in the afternoon, unlike an event at 1400.
Please try to be correct, it does terrible things to my blood pressure and I'm already on the verge of stroking out every time I see Spock and Kirk making domestic soppy kissyfaces at each other and referring to the other as 'lover'.
2a. On that note, just be damned grateful they don't go by bells or watches in Star Trek, I researched that shit for a pirate story and was nearly driven back to drink. And I've since managed to block most of it, so if you're interested, I think I have some tags on Delicious, or try Google.
3. Dudes. Dudes, dudes, dudes. The reason why 'Vulcan' is capitalized is because it refers to a place where someone is from. It's like saying so and so is British or American. Spock is called Vulcan because he is from the planet Vulcan.
The point here is: Jim/Leonard/Nyota is not from the planet Huma, so do not call them Human. They are humans from the planet Earth or Terra, so the correct term, if you must refer to them by their planet of origin, is Terran, Earther or Earthling. There will not be a test, but I will by God pop your tiny head off like a dandelion if it happens again.
4. I have said this before, and I know I will say it again, but
IT IS NOT A VAGINA, JESUS GOD.
Look, I don't expect that people go look up gay porno on the internet or whatever, but a quiet afternoon huddled away at a fairly comprehensive bookstore or at a semi-respectable SO YOU'RE PRETTY SURE YOU'RE GAY site on the internets would not go amiss. The point is here ... actually, I don't have a point except SPIT IS NOT A LUBE, AND THE SPLINCTER IS NOMINALLY A ONE-WAY VALVE.
5. I hope and pray that in the next three hundred years we have better things to worry about than fucking what is, after all, a member of one's own species. If someone writes a story where Jim's angst is not due to OH MY GOD, SUDDENLY I WANT TO FUCK A DUDE but OH MY GOD, SUDDENLY I WANT TO SCREW A VULCAN, I will love you forever and possibly send you candy. (Except Jim of course will do anybody once and twice if there's no skin rash afterwards, so maybe not.)
Shit, dude, I will send you candy AND cookies if you write Amanda dealing with OH MY GOD I WANT TO SCREW A VULCAN, and Sarek's corresponding AUGH I AM SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO A TERRAN.
6. Bones is a pacifist. He is a Southern gentleman. He is kind of a drunk. He is NOT weepy, vulgar or unfunctional. Watch Space Seed for further details, especially the way he dares someone to slice his own throat. Badass? OH HELL YES.
On that note, please do not use 'ya' for the way Bones says 'you'. It makes him sound like a dam'Yankee. The proper term is 'y'all'.
7. I don't know how they even manage this, but guys? Porn needs to be sexy. I don't know, I for one know that tab A goes into Slot B or C, so could we focus, I don't know, on the characters doing it? If I can mentally find and replace and get a coherent story featuring, IDEK, Wincest, you are not doing something correctly.
Thank you.
1. Uhura and Spock (... or Kirk) probably cannot have a baby accidentally. You know how in the movie, tiny Spock has that drop of green blood on his lip? That's because Vulcans have copper blood (ichor?) and, I don't know how to break this to you guys, humans have iron blood. RH factors have nothing on attempting to support something with an entirely different chemical makeup for nine months. There is no way Spock was an accident.
And, I don't know how to put this delicately, but hybrids? Usually cannot breed true, or even at all. Spock has more than an even chance of being sterile, okay? ... now go forth and write hilariously nerdy fics about genetic engineering and how it applies to having kids with Spock.
(I remember one, which I did not save, where Uhura secretly has Bones do the whole genetic manipulation thing so she can get pregnant but I am still trying to block it out because a) UHURA WOULD NOT GET PREGNANT AS A SURPRISE PRESENT TO SPOCK, Jesus Christ! and b) BONES WOULD NOT ACCEPT HER WORD THAT THIS WAS A CO-DECISION WITHOUT TALKING TO SPOCK IN PERSON. This is Medical Ethics / LET'S NOT GET SUED UNTIL THE MIDDLE OF THE NEXT GALAXY MMMKAY? 101, dudes. Also, totally out of character for both of them.)
1a. On that note, stop fucking with Uhura's character so you can pair Spock with Jim or Bones, Jesus. I don't even ship Spock/Uhura and it drives me crazy. If you want to break them up, do it honestly!
2. Okay, dudes, I know that 24 hour time is not commonly used in the US outside of well military or healthcare, but it is not that hard to deal with.
Midnight starts the clock at 0000.
11:59 ends the clock at 2359.
Noon is 1200.
AFTER NOON, TIME IS CALCULATED BY ADDING ONTO TWELVE. So if you have something happening at 5pm (ie, five hours after noon), you add 5 to 12 to get 1700 hours. So on and so forth. See? Easy as pre-made pie.
I don't generally put the colon on military time but I don't think it's incorrect, either.
Just. You cannot have an event at 0200 in the afternoon. If something is at 0200 it is, by definition, not in the afternoon, unlike an event at 1400.
Please try to be correct, it does terrible things to my blood pressure and I'm already on the verge of stroking out every time I see Spock and Kirk making domestic soppy kissyfaces at each other and referring to the other as 'lover'.
2a. On that note, just be damned grateful they don't go by bells or watches in Star Trek, I researched that shit for a pirate story and was nearly driven back to drink. And I've since managed to block most of it, so if you're interested, I think I have some tags on Delicious, or try Google.
3. Dudes. Dudes, dudes, dudes. The reason why 'Vulcan' is capitalized is because it refers to a place where someone is from. It's like saying so and so is British or American. Spock is called Vulcan because he is from the planet Vulcan.
The point here is: Jim/Leonard/Nyota is not from the planet Huma, so do not call them Human. They are humans from the planet Earth or Terra, so the correct term, if you must refer to them by their planet of origin, is Terran, Earther or Earthling. There will not be a test, but I will by God pop your tiny head off like a dandelion if it happens again.
4. I have said this before, and I know I will say it again, but
IT IS NOT A VAGINA, JESUS GOD.
Look, I don't expect that people go look up gay porno on the internet or whatever, but a quiet afternoon huddled away at a fairly comprehensive bookstore or at a semi-respectable SO YOU'RE PRETTY SURE YOU'RE GAY site on the internets would not go amiss. The point is here ... actually, I don't have a point except SPIT IS NOT A LUBE, AND THE SPLINCTER IS NOMINALLY A ONE-WAY VALVE.
5. I hope and pray that in the next three hundred years we have better things to worry about than fucking what is, after all, a member of one's own species. If someone writes a story where Jim's angst is not due to OH MY GOD, SUDDENLY I WANT TO FUCK A DUDE but OH MY GOD, SUDDENLY I WANT TO SCREW A VULCAN, I will love you forever and possibly send you candy. (Except Jim of course will do anybody once and twice if there's no skin rash afterwards, so maybe not.)
Shit, dude, I will send you candy AND cookies if you write Amanda dealing with OH MY GOD I WANT TO SCREW A VULCAN, and Sarek's corresponding AUGH I AM SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO A TERRAN.
6. Bones is a pacifist. He is a Southern gentleman. He is kind of a drunk. He is NOT weepy, vulgar or unfunctional. Watch Space Seed for further details, especially the way he dares someone to slice his own throat. Badass? OH HELL YES.
On that note, please do not use 'ya' for the way Bones says 'you'. It makes him sound like a dam'Yankee. The proper term is 'y'all'.
7. I don't know how they even manage this, but guys? Porn needs to be sexy. I don't know, I for one know that tab A goes into Slot B or C, so could we focus, I don't know, on the characters doing it? If I can mentally find and replace and get a coherent story featuring, IDEK, Wincest, you are not doing something correctly.
Thank you.