and in my head, this is still gen

[lazulisong]

"Well," said the captain, almost reasonably, "the last time something like this came up I ended up bribing Gaila to do it, except I promised her three hours of cunnilingus, and allegedly as a Starfleet captain I am unable to offer people sexual favors in exchange for doing my will."

"I can't believe Spock said that to you," said Nyota.

"I know, right?" said the captain. "I think it's all part of his evil plan to make me do my paperwork." He considered this for a second. "Also he gets grumpy if I offer sexual favors to anybody but him," he added, as if to be strictly fair. "So I asked Admiral Pike and he said, please could I never make him think about Spock having sex ever again, especially not with me, and also that sexual favors offered from a Starfleet captain were only to be utilized in emergency diplomatic situations, and not in a bid to humiliate my best friend's ex on her wedding day. And unofficially that I should make her suffer for him, too."

Nyota couldn't help herself. "... three hours?"

"I really like going down on girls," said the captain wistfully. "I mean, yeah, cock is awesome, I love cock, but man, girls." He sighed.