So far might be pretty good. We shall see.....

[lazorith]

Well, for starters,,sinful i met you through Gene's account. no he doesnt know yet. me and him dont really talk much..dont know why i stopped..o wait yes i do...cuz he said one thing i told Jess and her friend Jess and then told them another. What he told me was "I dont wanna talk to her again but i will if she ims me" then he goes to them and says "I never said that i didnt wanted to talk to you guys" made me look like a total ass....how come no one believes an honest person but they will always believe a liar? thats my question of my life. Anywho i jus woke up from a nightmare..its like everything from my past replayed in my head last ngiht..well since ive known jess...what does it mean? if everything happened for a reason why do i look at one of my friends profile and it says "on the way down...I saw you...And you saved me...From myself." Once before jessica told me something..acually a couple times before..she told me i saved her from killing herself..she said she would have tried to really do it if i didnt come into her life... Why is everything reminding me...and its like i have second vision cuz i see everything that went on to...i dunno maybe its my imagination...but why do they seem so real and when she never told me bout em i tell her and they are true...i dont know if that makes sense to anyone but thats the best i can explain it without examples...For one exple A boy likes a girl..she has sex with some other guy..he see's it at the eact time and everything even though he is so far away from her..Miles...Next day or when ever he could contact her again he tells her bout what he saw and its true. There is an example. Hate those pictures...Well i dunno..its like i saw her with her first to..jus now before i woke up..why is everything reminding me...why can i not stop thinking bout her? Drives you insane literally..this one girl is mad at me cuz i wont tell her i love her. i met her at the skateing ring for ONE NIGHT. i dont even know the girl...and she has a boyfriend plus im still lingering on jess hopeing there is still hope for us left...She likes me a lot cuz im the only guy who only staired at her through eye contact not her boobs and everything else. its like sheesh jus cuz i dont see a girl for sexual purposes you gotta like me.....i dont want anyone else to be hurt though maybe thats my worse fear right now? hurting another girl...i never hurt one physically but always mentally.. I dont wanna hurt another one. I seem so perfert to these girls its pathetic im not perfect im more dangerous than anything..i have an explosive anger...and its getting to the point where im even afraid of myself...I got fired from mcdonalds for crushing their front door ONE HIT barely hit it i dont think but it broke off and it was steel plated and the center had styro-Phoam. Left a really big creator as well as knocking both sheets into the street...and before, i punched a brick weall at school. it cracked a tad and made a loud BOOM so loud everyone around thought it was a gunshot and knelt down...i didnt get hurt from it either.....one other time this boy jus came up to me and was like "you know what i like? i like to take baths"...i lost it i dont know why but my mind went blank and anger took over i swung at him...thank god i didnt hit him and all. it took a lot to walk away it was like i was fighting myself....sometimes i look into the mirror and see a different person...could i be skits?
Today at 1:45 P.M. i have a job interview at a theatre Mall. i guess thats good right? sigh...i dont know what to do anymore..no one helps and when i try to explain why i did this or that im even bigger asshole than i was before even if its the truth...i never lied to her i never will i love her and i dont wanna hurt her thats why i changed.....do i have to make first move to get her back like i used to.....i dont know..the words "It was flattering cuz you always came after me"....i dont know what to do...and im afraid of myself...i hurt over 2000 online mentally and one in particular that drives me to want to start drugs or something to get it off my mind...dont do it though..atleast not yet..but i wanted to....got a friend who is offering me it..plus any girl i want that he will get for me...i want it it feels like but then again i dont want it...jessica keeps comeing into play like a big ass block saying NO!....why is this..why does she always interupt mylife..does she get this to? does she like me..think bout me? i dont know...I never wanted her for sex like her other boyfriends i jus wanted her by my side. hand in hand..thats pleasure enough. Sure sex would be great but its not what i care bout really...jus want her there and she cant understand that...then she puts in her profile that she has no luck with men..if she has no luck..why am i around and not like her other boyfriends...i never wanted to control her hurt her anything...too late to take it all back but is it too late to make up for it? i always told her that i wanted her to be her..make decisions for herself stop haveing others make em for you....she still wont it seems...i am at a loss..sorry that i keep skipping from story to story..i dont know what..this is how it is in my mind really..i was jus writeing whatever came to mind. my mind keeps switching back and fourth through every problem ive ever had...why though..thats the question..how come i never find happiness or when i do something ruins it...I hope jessica is happy...maybe i am jus obsessed...but can obsession really make you feel this way? sure i know it can make you miserable...but i mean...besides miserable...happy that shes in your life..jus not happy cuz shes not there...Well ima go..who ever reads this..wow..you either have a lot of time on your hands or your a fast reader. either way id love to hear from anyone..i need some guidedance..and please be a girl cuz im obviously haveing girl troubles,..what good is another guy? if its a guy..be in touch with your soft side..dont be a dipshit like prek. well adious..gotta get ready for the interview late.