i want to believe
B and I saw the X-Files movie last night, and, um, I kind of have a lot to say about it. Spoilers ahead!
Okay, it sucked. Which makes me so very sad! I know the show sucked and stuff at the end, but it used to be so good! Surely they could have done better than this!
I think basically, Chris Carter has not stopped smoking shrooms since season 8. He co-wrote the movie, which goes a long way towards explaining why it sucked. He also directed this piece of crap, and his directing was, at best, really annoying. He kept setting up situations where two different things were happening at the same time, then he'd make swift cuts back and forth between them in a very clumsy attempt to draw parallels. It didn't work.
I have both petty and major annoyances with the actual content of the movie. I guess we could run through the petty ones relatively quickly.
1. What the hell was up with David Duchovny's facial hair at the beginning? Did they just glue crepe hair to his face? And it's supposed to symbolize--what, exactly? Him losing focus? Him going crazy? Him being obsessed with the supernatural? He managed to be both crazy and obsessed with the supernatural all through the series while being clean-shaven. I'm just saying.
2. In the "let's throw the old fans a bone or two" category: the obligatory "I Want to Believe" poster (okay, I'll give them that one, it really did need to be there). Sunflower seeds (also being used to symbolize whatever the hell the facial hair was supposed to symbolize. Shut up, Chris Carter.). Pencils stuck in the ceiling. Clunky mention of William (Shut up, Chris Carter. God.).
3. Whatever happened to them each being speed-dial #1 on the other's phone? Oh, right, that wouldn't give them a chance to try to sell us the amazing product-placed cell phones.
4. Are they...living together? But...Mulder's on the run? Why don't they just follow Scully when she goes home and leads them straight to Mulder?
5. Why don't they just ask for help from the *current* X-Files agents, Doggett and Moronica? Have the X-Files been closed again?
6. Scully's research on stem-cell treatments, sponsored by Google. No, seriously, she goes to Google to do research? Is she writing a paper on stem cells for her junior high science class, taught by a coach who spends all his time doing magic tricks and playing his karaoke tapes for the class and therefore doesn't care if all her sources come from Geocities and Wikipedia?
7. Shut up, Chris Carter.
Okay, now, on to...the rest of it.
What the hell are Mulder and Scully doing? The aliens are due to invade in FOUR YEARS, and they're just fucking around, twiddling their thumbs. Didn't we end the series with Scully believing and shit? So why is she all being a doctor now and not paying any attention to aliens or anything else and acting like Mulder is crazy? No, that doesn't mean the movie needed to be about the mytharc. I realize that wasn't what they were trying to do, and I'm totally fine with that. But they could have at least set it up so it didn't seem like they'd completely forgotten the impending Alien Invasion Deadline that they set up themselves. Insert one or two lines of dialog implying they're still working on stopping it. That's not too much to ask, is it?
A...pedophile priest? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I realize that Chris Carter has always been, to be generous, a MORON where religion is concerned. But still. We're supposed to believe that God made Father Joe a pedophile so that he would molest that one guy, whatever his name was, who would then end up dying of cancer and needing body parts replaced, thus resulting in his gay husband starting a body part stealing ring that would involve kidnapping an FBI agent, among others, thus allowing the case to be solved through Father Joe's psychic visions, which are possible because he has a connection to the perpetrator, having molested him when he was a child? WHAT? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and you can go fuck yourself sideways, Chris Carter.
And then the priest tells Scully "don't give up," like this is supposed to be something deep and meaningful. HOW? If he'd told her "it's always darkest before the dawn" would that have been deeper and meaningful-er? What about if he'd said "a stitch in time saves nine"? That's even better, being all surgery-y and stuff!
I actually liked the story idea, guy dying of cancer, getting body parts replaced to stay alive, kidnapping people with the same blood type. I thought it was a pretty cool idea. However. If the guy was gay, why was he getting a new female body? Did they just write in the gay bit at the last second? (I think they were still filming the movie the day before it premiered, so it's certainly possible.) This doesn't make any sense AT ALL to me.
One thing that was absolutely of the good? Callum. Keith. Rennie. He's the major bad guy! In a major motion picture! *dies of squee* They made him Russian, which was meh, but he was still AWESOME. They didn't even give him much to work with, and he did SO MUCH with it. (By contrast, I think they gave Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny too much to work with, so they couldn't do much with it at all.) Also! His character is gay (again)! In fact, gay-married in Massachusetts! He is gay-married to the guy who's dying of cancer, so he's started this body part stealing ring to keep his husband alive! He's sympathetic and creepy at the same time, and he totally pulls it off. (Also, since I was seeing this movie with B, who has no idea who CKR is, I had to practically have an aneurysm to contain my squeeing when they just randomly announced that Callum's character was gay and married. Perils of seeing movies with non-fangirls.)
Let's see. I'm glad they brought Skinner into it too. You kind of had to wonder where he was, since he supposedly totally believed at the end of the series, too. So it's good that Scully could still call him in when she needed a favor. And they gave major ammo to the Mulder/Skinner shippers towards the end of the movie, when Mulder almost died and Skinner gave him his coat and cradled him lovingly in his arms, cough cough. (This is not my pairing, like, AT ALL, but even I could see it.)
To summarize, Callum is awesome and I hate Chris Carter with the heat of a thousand burning suns. Based on this movie, I'm pretty sure he hates me too.
Okay, it sucked. Which makes me so very sad! I know the show sucked and stuff at the end, but it used to be so good! Surely they could have done better than this!
I think basically, Chris Carter has not stopped smoking shrooms since season 8. He co-wrote the movie, which goes a long way towards explaining why it sucked. He also directed this piece of crap, and his directing was, at best, really annoying. He kept setting up situations where two different things were happening at the same time, then he'd make swift cuts back and forth between them in a very clumsy attempt to draw parallels. It didn't work.
I have both petty and major annoyances with the actual content of the movie. I guess we could run through the petty ones relatively quickly.
1. What the hell was up with David Duchovny's facial hair at the beginning? Did they just glue crepe hair to his face? And it's supposed to symbolize--what, exactly? Him losing focus? Him going crazy? Him being obsessed with the supernatural? He managed to be both crazy and obsessed with the supernatural all through the series while being clean-shaven. I'm just saying.
2. In the "let's throw the old fans a bone or two" category: the obligatory "I Want to Believe" poster (okay, I'll give them that one, it really did need to be there). Sunflower seeds (also being used to symbolize whatever the hell the facial hair was supposed to symbolize. Shut up, Chris Carter.). Pencils stuck in the ceiling. Clunky mention of William (Shut up, Chris Carter. God.).
3. Whatever happened to them each being speed-dial #1 on the other's phone? Oh, right, that wouldn't give them a chance to try to sell us the amazing product-placed cell phones.
4. Are they...living together? But...Mulder's on the run? Why don't they just follow Scully when she goes home and leads them straight to Mulder?
5. Why don't they just ask for help from the *current* X-Files agents, Doggett and Moronica? Have the X-Files been closed again?
6. Scully's research on stem-cell treatments, sponsored by Google. No, seriously, she goes to Google to do research? Is she writing a paper on stem cells for her junior high science class, taught by a coach who spends all his time doing magic tricks and playing his karaoke tapes for the class and therefore doesn't care if all her sources come from Geocities and Wikipedia?
7. Shut up, Chris Carter.
Okay, now, on to...the rest of it.
What the hell are Mulder and Scully doing? The aliens are due to invade in FOUR YEARS, and they're just fucking around, twiddling their thumbs. Didn't we end the series with Scully believing and shit? So why is she all being a doctor now and not paying any attention to aliens or anything else and acting like Mulder is crazy? No, that doesn't mean the movie needed to be about the mytharc. I realize that wasn't what they were trying to do, and I'm totally fine with that. But they could have at least set it up so it didn't seem like they'd completely forgotten the impending Alien Invasion Deadline that they set up themselves. Insert one or two lines of dialog implying they're still working on stopping it. That's not too much to ask, is it?
A...pedophile priest? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I realize that Chris Carter has always been, to be generous, a MORON where religion is concerned. But still. We're supposed to believe that God made Father Joe a pedophile so that he would molest that one guy, whatever his name was, who would then end up dying of cancer and needing body parts replaced, thus resulting in his gay husband starting a body part stealing ring that would involve kidnapping an FBI agent, among others, thus allowing the case to be solved through Father Joe's psychic visions, which are possible because he has a connection to the perpetrator, having molested him when he was a child? WHAT? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and you can go fuck yourself sideways, Chris Carter.
And then the priest tells Scully "don't give up," like this is supposed to be something deep and meaningful. HOW? If he'd told her "it's always darkest before the dawn" would that have been deeper and meaningful-er? What about if he'd said "a stitch in time saves nine"? That's even better, being all surgery-y and stuff!
I actually liked the story idea, guy dying of cancer, getting body parts replaced to stay alive, kidnapping people with the same blood type. I thought it was a pretty cool idea. However. If the guy was gay, why was he getting a new female body? Did they just write in the gay bit at the last second? (I think they were still filming the movie the day before it premiered, so it's certainly possible.) This doesn't make any sense AT ALL to me.
One thing that was absolutely of the good? Callum. Keith. Rennie. He's the major bad guy! In a major motion picture! *dies of squee* They made him Russian, which was meh, but he was still AWESOME. They didn't even give him much to work with, and he did SO MUCH with it. (By contrast, I think they gave Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny too much to work with, so they couldn't do much with it at all.) Also! His character is gay (again)! In fact, gay-married in Massachusetts! He is gay-married to the guy who's dying of cancer, so he's started this body part stealing ring to keep his husband alive! He's sympathetic and creepy at the same time, and he totally pulls it off. (Also, since I was seeing this movie with B, who has no idea who CKR is, I had to practically have an aneurysm to contain my squeeing when they just randomly announced that Callum's character was gay and married. Perils of seeing movies with non-fangirls.)
Let's see. I'm glad they brought Skinner into it too. You kind of had to wonder where he was, since he supposedly totally believed at the end of the series, too. So it's good that Scully could still call him in when she needed a favor. And they gave major ammo to the Mulder/Skinner shippers towards the end of the movie, when Mulder almost died and Skinner gave him his coat and cradled him lovingly in his arms, cough cough. (This is not my pairing, like, AT ALL, but even I could see it.)
To summarize, Callum is awesome and I hate Chris Carter with the heat of a thousand burning suns. Based on this movie, I'm pretty sure he hates me too.