An Idea
So I had this idea last night. It kept me up for a good hour, woke me on several occasions and as I got up at six to have some breakfast (I was really hungry) it was pretty much all I was thinking about. The idea was, I believe, seeded by ephant's post about herself and then grew as a result of the speeches at my sisters 21st, where it became obvious everyone knew her very well. People do not know me very well. I hide most of what I think, I often pretend I'm stupider than I am, yet I admire honesty and forthrightness and I sense an awful kind of hypocrisy here. So the idea came to write down what I think, what I actually think. The original idea was to write it only for myself, but I have decided that I will try and share it. I'm not good at sharing these kind of things, so this may well take more courage than I actually have. Still, I will try.
So I think it makes most sense to start with the seed, ephant, and go from there.
I do not know ephant very well at all. She was somewhere it that older group at uni, the ones with all the in-jokes and not too much interest in the first years. I mainly knew her as the author of The Adventures of Chifley, and as I didn't know most of the people who appeared in that (I am not including chifley, I don't think he's actually that main of a character) I didn't have that much interest. I can't honestly say she interested me that much until I started dating ranorith, when I learnt that he liked her as more than a drinking partner and so she was probably pretty cool. By then it was a little awkward getting to know her; we already had our set groups and she wasn't around that much. So yeah, I still don't know her well.
It was one of the tl;dr meme posts she wrote that both impressed me and sparked a desire to do the same. She was so honest and open and as well as feeling that I understood her a lot better I envied what she had been able to do. I do wonder whether writing about these issues helps more than it hurts by bringing up things you would rather not think about. I admire the risk that was taken and I think this inspired me to try it myself.
The next push was my sister Tara's 21st. Both the speeches and the performance her high school friends put on for her were fantastic, and I felt they really understood and appreciated Tara for who she was. I'm a little ashamed to say I felt jealous of this. I love her like crazy but I would not be able to tell her this, and I believe that I discourage my own family from telling me these things too. My 21st speeches were more statements of facts, not at all sentimental and not really complimentary. The contrast between the two was strong and left me feeling quite unsettled. I feel it's too late to change things between me and my family but I can at least try and be a bit more open.
I'm writing on relatively safe ground at the moment; I'm not ready to step entirely out of my comfort zone. My plan is to get there gradually, to write about things a little closer to home every few days. I feel a little uncomfortable just writing in my actual 'voice', I feel pretentious and silly but as ranorith said, I shouldn't care if some people get that impression because they're not who I'm writing for. I'm writing for me and for people that want to get to know me a bit better. I'm writing to leave myself open to judgements from other people and in doing so to expand my comfort zone.
So, thanks for reading.
So I think it makes most sense to start with the seed, ephant, and go from there.
I do not know ephant very well at all. She was somewhere it that older group at uni, the ones with all the in-jokes and not too much interest in the first years. I mainly knew her as the author of The Adventures of Chifley, and as I didn't know most of the people who appeared in that (I am not including chifley, I don't think he's actually that main of a character) I didn't have that much interest. I can't honestly say she interested me that much until I started dating ranorith, when I learnt that he liked her as more than a drinking partner and so she was probably pretty cool. By then it was a little awkward getting to know her; we already had our set groups and she wasn't around that much. So yeah, I still don't know her well.
It was one of the tl;dr meme posts she wrote that both impressed me and sparked a desire to do the same. She was so honest and open and as well as feeling that I understood her a lot better I envied what she had been able to do. I do wonder whether writing about these issues helps more than it hurts by bringing up things you would rather not think about. I admire the risk that was taken and I think this inspired me to try it myself.
The next push was my sister Tara's 21st. Both the speeches and the performance her high school friends put on for her were fantastic, and I felt they really understood and appreciated Tara for who she was. I'm a little ashamed to say I felt jealous of this. I love her like crazy but I would not be able to tell her this, and I believe that I discourage my own family from telling me these things too. My 21st speeches were more statements of facts, not at all sentimental and not really complimentary. The contrast between the two was strong and left me feeling quite unsettled. I feel it's too late to change things between me and my family but I can at least try and be a bit more open.
I'm writing on relatively safe ground at the moment; I'm not ready to step entirely out of my comfort zone. My plan is to get there gradually, to write about things a little closer to home every few days. I feel a little uncomfortable just writing in my actual 'voice', I feel pretentious and silly but as ranorith said, I shouldn't care if some people get that impression because they're not who I'm writing for. I'm writing for me and for people that want to get to know me a bit better. I'm writing to leave myself open to judgements from other people and in doing so to expand my comfort zone.
So, thanks for reading.