(no subject)
It's been quite a while.
Few things remain the same for long. I've been pretty familiar with the concept for a while, yet...I can't accept that Julius and I, as a couple, had to change. It seemed fairly obvious: becoming man and wife, becoming father and mother.
And here I am, baffled. Desperate not to be the desperate housewife. I never wanted to be the woman who feigned sleep and headaches just to avoid having to have sex. I never wanted to be the cliche, period. I always kind of prided myself on being the cool girlfriend - up for anything, never nagging, understanding of the baser male instincts. Sadly, I'm no longer the cool girlfriend. I'm no longer the girlfriend...and maybe that's the rub. I don't know; but here I find myself.
I mean it could be that I've become the stereotypical cold wife because I've let myself sink into the stupid American dream....bah. Working mommy working full-time in a government building for the great benefits. Cooking, cleaning, self-effacing. How did I get here? How did I let it happen??
Surely the sex was not truly mindblowing? I mean, could it have really just blew the fuses??? More and more each day, I'm pretty sure something malfunctioned. Then I can't even really blame that, because somewhere in me I still love him. I stay despite all the horrible fights, the degradation, the mediocrity. I feel like I'm trapped in a truly heinous soap opera - except my set is a double-wide, a far cry from the mansions of Days.
Ok. It just can't be this bad. I'm making it worse in my mind or something. Patrick and Julius both have said I can't be satisfied. Could it be true??? Can it be that I'm a total unsatisfiable bitch???
I'm ready to feel like myself again. I'm ready to believe in myself again. I remember a time I felt capable, intelligent, sexy. I remember when I believed I was the master of my fate, as cheesy as that is. When will it come? When will Julius and Lauren be Julius and Lauren again? Will it ever come again??
Few things remain the same for long. I've been pretty familiar with the concept for a while, yet...I can't accept that Julius and I, as a couple, had to change. It seemed fairly obvious: becoming man and wife, becoming father and mother.
And here I am, baffled. Desperate not to be the desperate housewife. I never wanted to be the woman who feigned sleep and headaches just to avoid having to have sex. I never wanted to be the cliche, period. I always kind of prided myself on being the cool girlfriend - up for anything, never nagging, understanding of the baser male instincts. Sadly, I'm no longer the cool girlfriend. I'm no longer the girlfriend...and maybe that's the rub. I don't know; but here I find myself.
I mean it could be that I've become the stereotypical cold wife because I've let myself sink into the stupid American dream....bah. Working mommy working full-time in a government building for the great benefits. Cooking, cleaning, self-effacing. How did I get here? How did I let it happen??
Surely the sex was not truly mindblowing? I mean, could it have really just blew the fuses??? More and more each day, I'm pretty sure something malfunctioned. Then I can't even really blame that, because somewhere in me I still love him. I stay despite all the horrible fights, the degradation, the mediocrity. I feel like I'm trapped in a truly heinous soap opera - except my set is a double-wide, a far cry from the mansions of Days.
Ok. It just can't be this bad. I'm making it worse in my mind or something. Patrick and Julius both have said I can't be satisfied. Could it be true??? Can it be that I'm a total unsatisfiable bitch???
I'm ready to feel like myself again. I'm ready to believe in myself again. I remember a time I felt capable, intelligent, sexy. I remember when I believed I was the master of my fate, as cheesy as that is. When will it come? When will Julius and Lauren be Julius and Lauren again? Will it ever come again??