(no subject)
There are two questions that are haunting me these days.
What the hell happened to me?
What's next?
I'm thoroughly disappointed in myself. I've become my worst nightmare. A receptionist, living comfortably settled with a man I started dating at 17. And honestly, my job doesn't really suck. It's cushy, and there are lots of pretty boys running around in uniform. I love my boss. She seems to really like me. And the best part is, I still read just as much as I did in college. Most of my friends think I've really got it made, because I landed a state job. Little do they know that I'm more disappointed in myself than if I was flipping burgers. And maybe "disappointed" isn't the word. Maybe I'm still just wary of being so friendly with the institution, particularly law enforcement. Or maybe I'm still holding on to those dreams of doing something exciting, and important, and unique with my life. The sad reality is that, only a very few do that. Only a precious few escape the beaten path, and I may just not be one of them.
Even more annoying is the complete and utter loss of my moral faculities. And though the moments when I least care about the consequences, or anybody else's feelings, are the most enjoyable and life-affirming I have lately; the inevitable guilt sets in. The lies and the bullshit begin to get to me. It drains more energy than it gives. It takes more of my soul than it restores.
And I'm lost. I know that. And it scares me. I know who I am, and I don't. Something happened to me last week that I had dreaded my entire life. Something that I had known would ultimately happen to me, no matter the precautions I took against it. And when the moment that I absolutely dreaded the most hit; I didn't feel anything that I imagined I would. And the next morning, when it got even worse, I still didn't feel the way I really thought I would. It's shattered my whole world. The whole picture of who I am, or thought I was for so long. I'm amazed at my disappointment. I'm amazed at my tenderness. I'm amazed at my selfishness.
There's something I want out of all of this. There's something I think I want desperately. But I just don't know if I have the guts to grab it. I don't even know if I really want it. And I'm tired of questioning. I'm tired of wondering what the next thing is. I'm tired of wanting, and never having. I think this will all be okay. A good friend keeps promising that it will be, but it is this friendship that is fracturing my life and my mind. And I know the reckoning will come. I've known this for a while, and I'm tired of waiting for that shoe to drop, too.
So, what's next? Can't anybody tell me? Can't I just finally make a move? I think I suffer from some emotional paralysis. It's terrifying. But I keep telling myself: this will all be alright.
What the hell happened to me?
What's next?
I'm thoroughly disappointed in myself. I've become my worst nightmare. A receptionist, living comfortably settled with a man I started dating at 17. And honestly, my job doesn't really suck. It's cushy, and there are lots of pretty boys running around in uniform. I love my boss. She seems to really like me. And the best part is, I still read just as much as I did in college. Most of my friends think I've really got it made, because I landed a state job. Little do they know that I'm more disappointed in myself than if I was flipping burgers. And maybe "disappointed" isn't the word. Maybe I'm still just wary of being so friendly with the institution, particularly law enforcement. Or maybe I'm still holding on to those dreams of doing something exciting, and important, and unique with my life. The sad reality is that, only a very few do that. Only a precious few escape the beaten path, and I may just not be one of them.
Even more annoying is the complete and utter loss of my moral faculities. And though the moments when I least care about the consequences, or anybody else's feelings, are the most enjoyable and life-affirming I have lately; the inevitable guilt sets in. The lies and the bullshit begin to get to me. It drains more energy than it gives. It takes more of my soul than it restores.
And I'm lost. I know that. And it scares me. I know who I am, and I don't. Something happened to me last week that I had dreaded my entire life. Something that I had known would ultimately happen to me, no matter the precautions I took against it. And when the moment that I absolutely dreaded the most hit; I didn't feel anything that I imagined I would. And the next morning, when it got even worse, I still didn't feel the way I really thought I would. It's shattered my whole world. The whole picture of who I am, or thought I was for so long. I'm amazed at my disappointment. I'm amazed at my tenderness. I'm amazed at my selfishness.
There's something I want out of all of this. There's something I think I want desperately. But I just don't know if I have the guts to grab it. I don't even know if I really want it. And I'm tired of questioning. I'm tired of wondering what the next thing is. I'm tired of wanting, and never having. I think this will all be okay. A good friend keeps promising that it will be, but it is this friendship that is fracturing my life and my mind. And I know the reckoning will come. I've known this for a while, and I'm tired of waiting for that shoe to drop, too.
So, what's next? Can't anybody tell me? Can't I just finally make a move? I think I suffer from some emotional paralysis. It's terrifying. But I keep telling myself: this will all be alright.