Tips for Surviving Thanksgiving With Relatives: A Top 10 List
Well folks, here we go again, If you're like me, getting through the holidays with kooky family members is tough. Here are some helpful hints in the form of a top 10 list to get you through this Thanksgiving (I'll do this the right way, starting from 10; Letterman style).
10. Feign interest in football. Your uncles do this already. Join them on the couch, yell and curse when they do, and you might even get away with reading a book.
9. Offer to smoke the turkey. This takes forever, but you'll have plenty of alone time on the back porch. You may have to dress warmer, but again, you may get away with reading a book.
8. Offer to make dessert. Fail miserably in your attempt at a pumpkin pie. After the violent purging they will all think twice about asking for your contributions.
7. Don't go at all. Call ahead and say you won a contest at the last minute and they are flying you into New York to be the 15th person on the Sponge Bob balloon crew in the Macy's parade.
6. Listen to "Alice's Restaurant" over and over again on your headphones. Sing aloud and get really excited at the part where he begins to chant, "I wanna kill! Kill!"
5. When relatives begin bringing up embarrassing stories about you, start spilling family secrets. Don't start small either. Once they all know that Aunt Georgina used to be Uncle George then they will know that you mean business.
4. Offer to prepare and host Thanksgiving dinner at your place. Go to Tahiti instead. Leave a note on the door that simply says, "Suckers!"
3. Offer to wash this dishes and insist that they all be done by hand. You can just shrug when they try to shout at you over 3 hours of running water in the sink.
2. Here's a good excuse to leave early: tell everyone you are going to get a head start on buying their Christmas gifts. When they point out that all of the stores are closed, turn and run out of their like your ass is on fire.
1. 3 words: Wear a helmet.
Well, there you have it. I hope some, if not all, of these are helpful. Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving everyone!
10. Feign interest in football. Your uncles do this already. Join them on the couch, yell and curse when they do, and you might even get away with reading a book.
9. Offer to smoke the turkey. This takes forever, but you'll have plenty of alone time on the back porch. You may have to dress warmer, but again, you may get away with reading a book.
8. Offer to make dessert. Fail miserably in your attempt at a pumpkin pie. After the violent purging they will all think twice about asking for your contributions.
7. Don't go at all. Call ahead and say you won a contest at the last minute and they are flying you into New York to be the 15th person on the Sponge Bob balloon crew in the Macy's parade.
6. Listen to "Alice's Restaurant" over and over again on your headphones. Sing aloud and get really excited at the part where he begins to chant, "I wanna kill! Kill!"
5. When relatives begin bringing up embarrassing stories about you, start spilling family secrets. Don't start small either. Once they all know that Aunt Georgina used to be Uncle George then they will know that you mean business.
4. Offer to prepare and host Thanksgiving dinner at your place. Go to Tahiti instead. Leave a note on the door that simply says, "Suckers!"
3. Offer to wash this dishes and insist that they all be done by hand. You can just shrug when they try to shout at you over 3 hours of running water in the sink.
2. Here's a good excuse to leave early: tell everyone you are going to get a head start on buying their Christmas gifts. When they point out that all of the stores are closed, turn and run out of their like your ass is on fire.
1. 3 words: Wear a helmet.
Well, there you have it. I hope some, if not all, of these are helpful. Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving everyone!