I am no longer a perfectionist
I'm so dissapointed in myself. We got our marks back for our ensemble performances in drama (worth seventy percent of our mark for the unit). I got sixty-two and a half out of seventy, and as others rejoice over seventies and sixty-eights I can't help but feel a little inadequate. I just haven't worked hard enough. I haven't really worked at all. I've been too busy trying to get to Mt. Eliza and back, spending time with Jai and rehearsing for theatre studies. I don't think I did well in my last literature sac, and seeing as I only got a high on the last one I'm really concerned. If I get a medium minus I'll be pleasantly surprised. Theatre's going down the shitter too, I'm supposed to do a portfolio for it and I haven't even started. It's not due until later and I don't think anybody's done much, but I'm still uneasy. French is the biggest joke on the planet, the distance ed stuff is harder than anything I've ever done in a classroom. Keeping up's a pain and sometimes I just can't be bothered. My tutor tells me over the phone time and time again that I need to work on my grammar and all it does is make me more uneasy and less willing to work. I'm sure he thinks he's being helpful but it gives me the shits. I didn't get to go to the last seminar either because one of the girls in my drama group was 'unwell' (hung over) the day we were meant to perform, so the show had to be moved to the day of my French seminar, and I wasn't about to ask for another extention. International's going well, at least. I'm so tempted to give up a few subjects and do them again next year, but I know there's no excuse for that. It's just me being a chicken again, wanting to run because I don't know what else to do. I have to stick with it, but it's hard. Mt.Eliza's too far away and inconvienent, I want to move into my own place (with a roomate or something), but I've already moved twice this year and I don't think Mom and Dad would go for it. The thing is, I think I'd be better off living independantly, I'd feel more empowered and be responsible only for myself instead of being endebted to others. Still, when I get unwell it's fair to say that having people around keeps me from doing certain things. I'm not going to kill myself, so what's a cut or two in the long run, if overall I'm happier and more productive? I'bve thought about it sometimes. There are moments when I know if I could just cut once I'd be ok and then I could go on with the things I need to do, instead of crying for hours and being too exhausted afterwards to be productive. I don't know, maybe that's crazy talk, but at least then I'd cope better. The thing is, there isn't a place on my body I can cut without Jai finding out, and I don't want him to feel as though I'm unwell ot be concerned. He's so sweet sometimes. I stayed at his house on Saturday night, and come Sunday morning I had a text message from him apologising for having woke me and confessing that he couldn't sleep because he was thinking about me. We sleep in seperate rooms because of his insomnia, and apparently he came into my room to see me early in the morning. He laid there and rubbed my back, but I must have been out like a light, because I didn't even stir. I wish I'd woken up, but maybe it's better that I didn't. We're booking tickets to fly up to the Gold Coast together over the school holidays :). We'll spend the first week with his family and friends in various areas, and then he's going to drive me up to Brisbane and stay with us for a few days. I'm a bit excited about it really, it's not every day your boyfriend offers to take you out of state to meet his parents.