(no subject)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_v1rUNlmIc&feature=related
this song is amazing!!!
anyway, its almost christmas. it doesnt feel like christmas. last christmas was worse, thats definitely true. my relationship was failing, my family was in shambles and I was loosing my apartment. if ever there was a time to quit smoking, its not now. trust me. not this time of year. Im starting to absolutely hate the christmas season, and that makes me pretty sad. I havent smoked weed in almost three weeks. I miss it so much. I've also been sick for the past three weeks (why I havent smoked) and it sucks kind of a lot. blah blah blah. how depressing and stupid. I want a cigarette, Ive also really been wanting to drink lately. I guess then, I should be excited for new years.
this is from christmas morning last year:
There was once a time, It's almost hard to remember because its more of a feeling than anything. Christmas. It was something you couldn't wait for. you X'ed out the days until it came. it was the most exciting and magical thing to bless children with, I know I felt lucky every single December, for the whole month, even.
I would beg to go to the mall. The decorations, the music, the crowds of people buying and buying and buying. and I wanted to buy too! to give. but secretly, more so, to receive.
My fifth grade teacher would always tell us not to write 'X-mas.' "you should really write it out; c.h.r.i.s.t.m.a.s. its bad luck to write '-X-mas'" He was in the military. He would talk about desert storm, but not often.
I'm so sorry I took it for granted. walking out into my living room, late at night, with a colorful glow of the tree and light reflecting off of the wrapped and bowed gifts. it was silent, and I was happy. I had family to wrap gifts with. I had people to yell 'Dont look!' at. I had someone to write a wish list for.
Now, its early. I would think I could be happy for all those other children feeling that same thing. I wish so much I could be happy for them. but I cant, because I'm so jealous, and I can say that. I don't mind saying it, because its so fucking true.
I just really hope you're not sad today, because I am. I really am.