Reflections on My First Semester
The First thing I have to say is: Fuck You Safari, Stop Shutting Down! I'm Switching to Firefox!
Okay, hopefully this will finally work, and let me get passed the fourth line of the note! (This is the 4th Take)
So, I've been reflecting over the past few months, since I got to school and what I've done wrong, and what I could change, and what wrongs have been done to me. So basically all the things come down to stupidity, immaturity, and disrespect. No matter what the situation was, one of those had a very important role in it.
The worst thing that happened while I was here... wasn't the drama caused my friends and living situations.. but rather, it was my fault and had to do with a friend from back home. I made some very stupid and disrespectful comments, to a person I've considered a very good friend over the past 5 years... and I understand exactly why they will probably never speak to me again, but I don’t really understand why they are speaking to me now. I went entirely too far, and should have never made the comments I did and I feel like the worst person in the world for making them. I lost a very dear friend because I reacted badly to a situation... and was more then a little stupid to say what I did, no matter what my feelings or reasoning behind making them was... it shouldn't have happened, and I shouldn't have said them. So I again, just want to tell you how sorry I am, and that I know how wrong I was.
The most long, drawn out, and frustrating thing however, has been the situation with a few people that I thought I considered friends. This started the weekend that I went home in September. Now, my roommate and I went on TREK together.. so we were friends before the school year even started, or atleast I thought we were friends. I went home a long weekend, for Rosh Hashanah. Everyone who knows me, knows I am a slob.. so you can guess that I probably left more then a few clothes laying on the floor when I left. I get a text, friday I think saying "I'm cleaning the room!" or something of that nature from my roommate. So I text her back and say "okay, if you need to move my clothes or other junk out of the way, just throw it on my bed i'll take care of it when I get back" agan, not exact quote, just something of that nature. There was one other thing I had said to my roommate, at the beginning of the year "i don't care, you can eat any of my food, unless it's cheez-its or chocolate"
I came back pretty early sunday morning to an empty room, expecting to find a pile of dirty clothes on my bed.. and the unorganized mess that I left to, on my side of the room. I also expected to find a messy desk, and a box of cheez-its next to my bed. I had woken up around 6am to catch my flight... so I was a little hungry... and ready to take a few cheez-its.. and then go to bed.. low and behold... there are no cheezits! How did that happen? When I left there was almost a whole box left... because I had just bought them. I found out later, that my roommate and some friends had been over playing poker and thought it would be okay, to eat them without asking.. because they were planning to replace them... guess what.. .I disagree. Also, my chocolate was missing.. there were some kisses left in a bag ON MY DESK.... and someone decided since there was only a few left, it was okay to eat them. Now this sounds stupid and miniscule.. but this was only the beginning of what I came back to. (yes I am being over dramatic.. shoosh)
Now.. like I said.. everyone knows I am an unorganized mess (and those of you who know me well enough, know that I also know where everything is at all times.) Well, my roommate and her dear friends decided that they didn't like me being unorganized, and instead of waiting till I got back to the room, to ask me to clean up a little... it was okay if they did it for me. I came back, my stuff was definitely not where i left it... and things were missing. They also did things like decide that I could just use wireless.. I didn't need my ethernet cable anymore... decided that they could rearrange my closet, put things in boxes that don't belong (like smushing a four hundred dollar purse into a box, and bending it.), and generally that the way I was organized just didn't do it for them, so it needed to change. I really didn't appreciate this at all.. imagine that :) Who would think I would be grateful for someone, without asking, going through all my stuff and rearranging it how they see fit???? Seriously.
Other things have happened since then.. .like I feel like I was slowly being pushed out of the group, invited less and less to hang out... this was totally not a good feeling. One pet peeve of mine, is that if you are going to say it behind my back, that's fine, as long as you say it to my face within a few days. Turns out, someone really doesn't like me... I believe I was told this person think I am a self-centered bitch. I mean, ha, you're right in half.. yes I am a bitch, I have no problem admitting that... however I am no more self-centered than the average person, and REALLY don't appreciate being called that by you, a person who has never had a serious conversation with me, and does not know me at all. And you really have some nerve insulting me… I mean you’re a chauvinistic pig who gets his jollies by talking down to everyone, especially your girlfriend. Really.. you just have absolutely no room to talk. Oh and grow a set, and learn how to fucking insult me to my face.
Anyway, being pushed out of the group has been happening since I left for that weekend… I’m not “allowed” to go over and watch movies and stuff with them, because a certain resident of that particular dorm, thinks I’m a self-centered bitch and hates me, therefore doesn’t want me in his room. The thing that stings the most about that, is during one of our talks (to try and work shit out) my roommate was like “oh, I’ll invite you over more often, I’ll make sure to do that..ect.” yet the next day, a few of us were walking back from a meeting, and they’re like “okay well we’re going to go, see you later” and totally just don’t invite me over… harsh. Btw, this isn’t my only group of friends, but during the few weeks of school, I felt like they were definitely the core group of my friends, which is why it hurts so much.
So, most recently there is what I like to call the “Peanut Butter Incident.” It was sometime at the beginning of this week… and I had yet to eat (it was 9pm)… I was starving… and wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I went into my fridge, and my peanut butter was missing…Now here’s the really weird part… I don’t share my fridge with anyone. My roommate decided that she needs to waste more energy, and get her own fridge. So.. why is my peanut butter missing? I do not understand this phenomenon! So, I did the logical thing… call the person I share a room with, and ask them if they know where my peanut butter is. So I do so.. I have to admit I was probably not the friendliest but I asked if she saw my peanut butter, and then I asked one or two more times, if she was sure… and then hung up. I was calling Ekta, because she’s in the room a lot, to see if she had seen my peanut butter at any point… but I accidentally called my roommate back, and she answered in tears, yelling at me something along the lines of “haven’t you made me miserable enough yet?” now.. I asked for peanut butter… I think that’s just a tad over dramatic, no?
After searching to no avail, I ended up borrowing someone else’s peanut butter… and all was good. I was marginally upset by the fact that yet another thing had gone missing, but all in all was enjoying the night… or trying to atleast.
I believe that this was the next day(a friend’s birthday)… like that same day where my roommate walks into the room I say “hey what’s up?” she completely ignores me goes to get her stuff and walks out of the room… yeah…. That could be that day. It could have also been that same day, where earlier, we had gone out to lunch with said friend for their birthday.. and I am basically told I am not invited later that night to hang out for her birthday, because it is in the person who hates me room.. and there’s no way it would be anywhere else… so I can’t really go. I am still upset over not only the way my roommate treated me.. but how my friend did as well… not arguing that she’d like to have me there to celebrate her birthday (she was sitting right next to my roommate when I was told I basically was not invited).
So, after an awesome night of comedy (courtesy of UPB), me and Ekta came back to the room, to chill, watch TV, and do HW… Rutgers had just done the amazing… they beat #2 USF! I had finally stopped crying, and was in a decent mood… until… it was decided to SEND IN THE CLOWNS! Yes, apparently my away message and status on facebook.. about them not being real friend, because of the way they treated me (okay so it wasn’t the most mature thing I could have done… I know..) .. really upset my roommate.. to the point she was hysterically crying.. So, instead of her boyfriend, in his uncontrollable rage(he has lots of anger issues) coming over and yelling at me (and apparently wanting to punch me in the face), two of the other friends were sent over… they came over and told me they wanted to talk.. I told them straight up I had nothing to say to them.. they pushed, apparently they can’t take the hint. Sooo they pushed some more, after saying how they came over to be “neutral” and didn’t “want to take sides.” But they wanted to solve the drama, because my roommate apparently felt uncomfortable coming back to her own room… I still fail to see how that is being neutral. See they had this funny way of showing that… all they did was talk down to me. Want to know how I knew this? Not only my own smarts, but the person sitting in my room, and the 3 people who live in my building who walked by as they did so, and noticed how I was in tears, and they were being assholes. Yes, I mean it’s kinda easy to make me cry (because as Dan says I’m over-sensitive most of the time).. but once you see that… don’t you think you should take the fucking hint I’ve been giving you the whole time and kindly fuck off.
After they finally did so, and I calmed down enough to stop crying.. I totally didn’t have the concentration to study for my French quiz… unfortunately. Again… not a very good thing. They’ve all done a great job at ignoring me since though… I mean I think my roommate has been in the room twice since Friday afternoon… if that.. so haha, tonight should be interesting if she comes back.
I don’t want it to seem like I’m miserable and have no friends.. because that’s totally not the case. But my other friends have been great. I haven’t seen some of them as often as I would like… because we’re all so busy but when we do see each other it’s awesome! I made a lot of mistakes this semester too I’m sure my roommate has plenty to say to me… which apparently she does. From the few words we’ve exchanged since Thursday… which is strange, because every time we’ve discussed issues with the environment within the room.. she’s had very little say. Interesting as to see what could have popped up so quickly. I mean, it can’t be about the mess on the floor.. (since its confined to my parts of the room…) and before we even agreed to move in together I was like “I’m a slob, is that okay with you” and it apparently was.. but she freaks out about messes all the time.. guess it wasn’t so alright.. maybe she should have told me that BEFORE we decided to live together.. but that’s just me.
Edit: I forgot to add that she gives her boyfriend her ID and room key so he can get into our room when neither of us are here... I told her it makes me feel uncomfortable, so what does she do? The next day she gives it to the two friends, so they can come up and "talk to me"
Okay, hopefully this will finally work, and let me get passed the fourth line of the note! (This is the 4th Take)
So, I've been reflecting over the past few months, since I got to school and what I've done wrong, and what I could change, and what wrongs have been done to me. So basically all the things come down to stupidity, immaturity, and disrespect. No matter what the situation was, one of those had a very important role in it.
The worst thing that happened while I was here... wasn't the drama caused my friends and living situations.. but rather, it was my fault and had to do with a friend from back home. I made some very stupid and disrespectful comments, to a person I've considered a very good friend over the past 5 years... and I understand exactly why they will probably never speak to me again, but I don’t really understand why they are speaking to me now. I went entirely too far, and should have never made the comments I did and I feel like the worst person in the world for making them. I lost a very dear friend because I reacted badly to a situation... and was more then a little stupid to say what I did, no matter what my feelings or reasoning behind making them was... it shouldn't have happened, and I shouldn't have said them. So I again, just want to tell you how sorry I am, and that I know how wrong I was.
The most long, drawn out, and frustrating thing however, has been the situation with a few people that I thought I considered friends. This started the weekend that I went home in September. Now, my roommate and I went on TREK together.. so we were friends before the school year even started, or atleast I thought we were friends. I went home a long weekend, for Rosh Hashanah. Everyone who knows me, knows I am a slob.. so you can guess that I probably left more then a few clothes laying on the floor when I left. I get a text, friday I think saying "I'm cleaning the room!" or something of that nature from my roommate. So I text her back and say "okay, if you need to move my clothes or other junk out of the way, just throw it on my bed i'll take care of it when I get back" agan, not exact quote, just something of that nature. There was one other thing I had said to my roommate, at the beginning of the year "i don't care, you can eat any of my food, unless it's cheez-its or chocolate"
I came back pretty early sunday morning to an empty room, expecting to find a pile of dirty clothes on my bed.. and the unorganized mess that I left to, on my side of the room. I also expected to find a messy desk, and a box of cheez-its next to my bed. I had woken up around 6am to catch my flight... so I was a little hungry... and ready to take a few cheez-its.. and then go to bed.. low and behold... there are no cheezits! How did that happen? When I left there was almost a whole box left... because I had just bought them. I found out later, that my roommate and some friends had been over playing poker and thought it would be okay, to eat them without asking.. because they were planning to replace them... guess what.. .I disagree. Also, my chocolate was missing.. there were some kisses left in a bag ON MY DESK.... and someone decided since there was only a few left, it was okay to eat them. Now this sounds stupid and miniscule.. but this was only the beginning of what I came back to. (yes I am being over dramatic.. shoosh)
Now.. like I said.. everyone knows I am an unorganized mess (and those of you who know me well enough, know that I also know where everything is at all times.) Well, my roommate and her dear friends decided that they didn't like me being unorganized, and instead of waiting till I got back to the room, to ask me to clean up a little... it was okay if they did it for me. I came back, my stuff was definitely not where i left it... and things were missing. They also did things like decide that I could just use wireless.. I didn't need my ethernet cable anymore... decided that they could rearrange my closet, put things in boxes that don't belong (like smushing a four hundred dollar purse into a box, and bending it.), and generally that the way I was organized just didn't do it for them, so it needed to change. I really didn't appreciate this at all.. imagine that :) Who would think I would be grateful for someone, without asking, going through all my stuff and rearranging it how they see fit???? Seriously.
Other things have happened since then.. .like I feel like I was slowly being pushed out of the group, invited less and less to hang out... this was totally not a good feeling. One pet peeve of mine, is that if you are going to say it behind my back, that's fine, as long as you say it to my face within a few days. Turns out, someone really doesn't like me... I believe I was told this person think I am a self-centered bitch. I mean, ha, you're right in half.. yes I am a bitch, I have no problem admitting that... however I am no more self-centered than the average person, and REALLY don't appreciate being called that by you, a person who has never had a serious conversation with me, and does not know me at all. And you really have some nerve insulting me… I mean you’re a chauvinistic pig who gets his jollies by talking down to everyone, especially your girlfriend. Really.. you just have absolutely no room to talk. Oh and grow a set, and learn how to fucking insult me to my face.
Anyway, being pushed out of the group has been happening since I left for that weekend… I’m not “allowed” to go over and watch movies and stuff with them, because a certain resident of that particular dorm, thinks I’m a self-centered bitch and hates me, therefore doesn’t want me in his room. The thing that stings the most about that, is during one of our talks (to try and work shit out) my roommate was like “oh, I’ll invite you over more often, I’ll make sure to do that..ect.” yet the next day, a few of us were walking back from a meeting, and they’re like “okay well we’re going to go, see you later” and totally just don’t invite me over… harsh. Btw, this isn’t my only group of friends, but during the few weeks of school, I felt like they were definitely the core group of my friends, which is why it hurts so much.
So, most recently there is what I like to call the “Peanut Butter Incident.” It was sometime at the beginning of this week… and I had yet to eat (it was 9pm)… I was starving… and wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I went into my fridge, and my peanut butter was missing…Now here’s the really weird part… I don’t share my fridge with anyone. My roommate decided that she needs to waste more energy, and get her own fridge. So.. why is my peanut butter missing? I do not understand this phenomenon! So, I did the logical thing… call the person I share a room with, and ask them if they know where my peanut butter is. So I do so.. I have to admit I was probably not the friendliest but I asked if she saw my peanut butter, and then I asked one or two more times, if she was sure… and then hung up. I was calling Ekta, because she’s in the room a lot, to see if she had seen my peanut butter at any point… but I accidentally called my roommate back, and she answered in tears, yelling at me something along the lines of “haven’t you made me miserable enough yet?” now.. I asked for peanut butter… I think that’s just a tad over dramatic, no?
After searching to no avail, I ended up borrowing someone else’s peanut butter… and all was good. I was marginally upset by the fact that yet another thing had gone missing, but all in all was enjoying the night… or trying to atleast.
I believe that this was the next day(a friend’s birthday)… like that same day where my roommate walks into the room I say “hey what’s up?” she completely ignores me goes to get her stuff and walks out of the room… yeah…. That could be that day. It could have also been that same day, where earlier, we had gone out to lunch with said friend for their birthday.. and I am basically told I am not invited later that night to hang out for her birthday, because it is in the person who hates me room.. and there’s no way it would be anywhere else… so I can’t really go. I am still upset over not only the way my roommate treated me.. but how my friend did as well… not arguing that she’d like to have me there to celebrate her birthday (she was sitting right next to my roommate when I was told I basically was not invited).
So, after an awesome night of comedy (courtesy of UPB), me and Ekta came back to the room, to chill, watch TV, and do HW… Rutgers had just done the amazing… they beat #2 USF! I had finally stopped crying, and was in a decent mood… until… it was decided to SEND IN THE CLOWNS! Yes, apparently my away message and status on facebook.. about them not being real friend, because of the way they treated me (okay so it wasn’t the most mature thing I could have done… I know..) .. really upset my roommate.. to the point she was hysterically crying.. So, instead of her boyfriend, in his uncontrollable rage(he has lots of anger issues) coming over and yelling at me (and apparently wanting to punch me in the face), two of the other friends were sent over… they came over and told me they wanted to talk.. I told them straight up I had nothing to say to them.. they pushed, apparently they can’t take the hint. Sooo they pushed some more, after saying how they came over to be “neutral” and didn’t “want to take sides.” But they wanted to solve the drama, because my roommate apparently felt uncomfortable coming back to her own room… I still fail to see how that is being neutral. See they had this funny way of showing that… all they did was talk down to me. Want to know how I knew this? Not only my own smarts, but the person sitting in my room, and the 3 people who live in my building who walked by as they did so, and noticed how I was in tears, and they were being assholes. Yes, I mean it’s kinda easy to make me cry (because as Dan says I’m over-sensitive most of the time).. but once you see that… don’t you think you should take the fucking hint I’ve been giving you the whole time and kindly fuck off.
After they finally did so, and I calmed down enough to stop crying.. I totally didn’t have the concentration to study for my French quiz… unfortunately. Again… not a very good thing. They’ve all done a great job at ignoring me since though… I mean I think my roommate has been in the room twice since Friday afternoon… if that.. so haha, tonight should be interesting if she comes back.
I don’t want it to seem like I’m miserable and have no friends.. because that’s totally not the case. But my other friends have been great. I haven’t seen some of them as often as I would like… because we’re all so busy but when we do see each other it’s awesome! I made a lot of mistakes this semester too I’m sure my roommate has plenty to say to me… which apparently she does. From the few words we’ve exchanged since Thursday… which is strange, because every time we’ve discussed issues with the environment within the room.. she’s had very little say. Interesting as to see what could have popped up so quickly. I mean, it can’t be about the mess on the floor.. (since its confined to my parts of the room…) and before we even agreed to move in together I was like “I’m a slob, is that okay with you” and it apparently was.. but she freaks out about messes all the time.. guess it wasn’t so alright.. maybe she should have told me that BEFORE we decided to live together.. but that’s just me.
Edit: I forgot to add that she gives her boyfriend her ID and room key so he can get into our room when neither of us are here... I told her it makes me feel uncomfortable, so what does she do? The next day she gives it to the two friends, so they can come up and "talk to me"