(no subject)
Alex,
Today I got a phone call at 6:00 in the morning from Lynnsie. It woke me up, and when I didn't reach it in time, I brushed it off as an accident and tried to fall back asleep. The vibrating began again, and the moment I answered the phone I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.
After a cycle of hyperventilating, crying, and staring into space, I finally gained enough composure to go over to Lynnsie's house, where as you can probably guess, I broke down again. We both headed down the street to Dustin's house, convenient how we indirectly set those two up after they had been neighbors for a few years, huh Alex? We're quite the matchmakers.
You had quite the friends, Al. And how could you not? You were easily one of the most likable people I've ever met. Even when you were an asshole, and you were often, no one could stay mad at you. I tried, and failed...on multiple occasions.
At first it was just ten or twelve of us, sitting in complete silence, unable to come up with words to comfort each other. Dustin broke the silence telling us you wanted everyone to drink at your funeral. Jeff piped up saying that you'd want it to be cheap whiskey. We laughed, to keep from crying. This lasted all day, we'd cry and then someone would remember something and everyone would be laughing again. Alex, thank you for being the kind of person who left enough funny stories to last a lifetime. And in the rare case we do ever run out, we'll just tell em again and they will still be funny.
Jay said today, "He isn't someone you can replace. There is not another person like him in the world," and it's so true. While everyone's stories were funny, I couldn't help but think how you were probably the one person who could have made me feel authentically better in this situation, and you weren't here. I kept expecting this to be some kind of dream, that I'd wake up and I'd text you and you'd reply back with some sarcastic or irreverent comment to make me laugh.
We talked about how you dug a pit in your backyard, spent weeks laying brick or in actuality making your friends lay brick, and roasted a pig. You invited everyone you knew. We all agreed with Bri when she said "That's one thing about Alex. If he said he was going to do something, he did it. And he did it with some umph." I was promised the apple in the pig's mouth, but as it turns out, it didn't look so appetizing after spending 24 hours in the ground being smoked to death. I'm still convinced you were supposed to put the apple in after you cooked the pig.
I feel like I got to know you in a different way than a lot of people. I kept wishing I was there to witness all these crazy moments your college friends talked about today, riding down the dorm stairs on a bike or inviting RA's in for a party and getting the girl's written up, or telling Dustin to come back later when he wanted help with his chemistry homework, until you found out he brought a 6-pack of beer. There were so many good stories that I hadn't heard and didn't witness, but I am grateful nevertheless for your friendship.
I knew who you were all throughout school. We went to the same elementary school, but you were a year older, so we didn't really talk. Your baby sister, was talking today about your goofy glasses and the ears you hadn't quite grown into when you were a kid..I remember that. We didn't really start hanging out until you met Dustin and Alyssa was dating him and I went to that party at his house. The one where I lost my clothes after hot tubbing until Dustin's mom found them months later, I vacuumed the whole house, and you fell asleep in Dustin's parents bed. I took that picture with you holding Dustin's ugly little dog and it's probably my favorite one of you.
I was dating Zach at that time, and we didn't really talk until you boys came to Lubbock to visit Adam over MLK weekend, and I drove up from Waco. That was such a good weekend. You were so excited to eat any bbq you could get your hands on. I think that was secretly one of your life goals, to try to find the best bbq place in Texas...or the US, but it's probably in Texas. You always made fun of Texas, but I think you secretly loved it. I was reading our old facebook messages today and in one of them you asked me if I liked Colorado or Texas better, and I said Colorado, but that maybe I was just saying that so you won't stop being friends with me and you said, " I think I would have still talked to you even if you liked Texas better, that's how much I like you."
You also hated Texas, because you couldn't cross the state line without getting some sort of traffic ticket. I remember making fun of your radar detector in your car because we approached a group of about four cop cars, and the detector went off about two minutes after we passed them. You're response was, "Radar detectors are completely worthless. They just beep and annoy you. Mine was a Christmas present from my brother, it's the thought that counts"
Anyways, in Lubbock, the second night, you were the DD and I got in trouble with an undercover cop for drinking at the bar and you laughed at me, as expected. Being the two sober people, I guess we hit it off. We talked for about a few hours while everyone else played pool and then you asked me to dance. We probably looked like fools, us two Coloradans trying to two step with all these Texas cowboys. I think that night you admitted to liking country music a little bit, but you might have just been trying to woo me. Anyways, it worked. We ended up kissing in a bar booth, and then back at Adam's house. We probably made everyone feel a little uncomfortable, but after getting to know you, I now realize uncomfortableness is your specialty.
I didn't think anything would come of it, but we started talking of facebook and our short messages eventually got longer and deeper. I told you things that I haven't told a lot of people, and I think it was actually kind of cool how we got to know each other like that. You told me about the car accident you were in in high school, and how it made you reevaluate things:
"People always ask me to tell them the story becaues it's pretty crazy, and I make jokes about it, but it really was a very significant event for me. . . I knew I was going to die right there. It wasn't like how you would think, everything was silent and really believe that those were my last moments. So much so that I wasn't scared, I accepted the fact that I was at the end of my life. . . Several people had gotten out of their cars to see if I was alright, a few were EMTs, they told me to lie down because I might have a spinal injury. But at that moment I realized what just happened, and I looked across this field and saw the other car. It wasn't as bad as mine, but it was totaled. I felt this sinking feeling in my stomach, it was the worst feeling I ever had, I thought 'Did I just kill somebody'? I went to the hospital but was uninjured besides a sprained pinky, and ran in a track meet the next day. The lady was fine too. So after that, I had some pretty intense emotions. Seeing my death, feeling like I had killed someone, feeling like my parents were going to kill me, that day changed my life. I realized how easy it is to get killed, so I really started to enjoy life more. I decided I never wanted to waste a day if I wanted to do something I was going to do it."
You went on to talk about how that's why you bought your motorcycle and how you realized you could die when you were 80 or you could die today, and then in typical Alex fashion, said now my question for you is "Why in the world do you get vegetarian burritos at Chipotle?"
We talked a lot those few months. The computer, texting, the phone. I remember I jokingly asked if you wanted to be my Valentine a few days before Valentine's Day, and you said of course, and that if I drove up for the weekend, you'd take me out for a fancy dinner. Although it was hard to resist your charm, I had other obligations. But on Valentine's Day eve you sent me a picture of you with your shirt off, telling me that was your present to me. I laughed and sent you a picture of beer bottles in the shape of a heart. You responded, "That better be Coors Light."
The next day after I got back to my dorm, I was greeted by a notice saying that I had a package to pick up. Expecting it to be from my mom, I took my time getting over to the Student building. A huge 1-800-flowers box was handed to me, and when I got back to my room and found the card from you, I couldn't have been more happy. Two dozen pink roses and a note that said, "I'm thrilled were getting to know each other better. Happy Valentine's Day!"
I spent at least half of my spring break with you. I went up to Ft. Collins, you met my parents, but we kind of came to the consensus that we both weren't ready to do the long distance thing. You later told me that you just didn't think I was over Zach, which as much as I'd like to deny it, was probably true. I got back together with him within a couple months. What was so awesome is that you and I were still friends after all that, and it was never awkward. Nothing was ever awkward with you, or maybe you just embrace awkwardness so much that it just kind of made it feel not awkward.
In the past year, I officially ended things with Zach and you had a couple of serious girlfriends. We'd talk about things and then at the beginning of the summer there was a little bit of drama, but like I said, I can't stay mad at you. I had a fling with one of your friends and you claimed it didn't "really" bother you. That ended, and to be honest I felt like I had jeopardized my friendship with you, with him, and then Lynnsie and Dustin. We had kinda stopped talking as much, until a couple weeks ago when we went to the Rockies game. We had dinner before and if I'd have known that would be the last time I'd see you, I would have hugged you a little longer when I said goodbye. We didn't talk a lot that night, but things seemed back to normal. You were happy I had converted to iphonism...and we were talking about weird applications, I told you I found a vibrator application and how I thought it was outrageous and raunchy, and you of course, made a scene and accused me of downloading it. I told you it was an accident and I had been searching in different categories and you asked which category I was looking under, "the hussy category"?
The last conversation I had with you was a week ago, a text message asking if I had been to a barbeque place in Waco called the Rusty Star, which I hadn't been to. You were watching the travel channel and Ted Nugent had said it was the best in Texas. I tried to convince you, for the millionth time, to come to Waco to visit, this time using Ted Nugent and the travel channel as my bargaining tool. You said you'd think about it, and we joked around until I accidently fell asleep and quit texting you back. The morning after I felt proud that I had accidently left you hanging in that conversation, I guess just because you had done it to me before? If I had known that would be the last time I'd really talk to you, I would have kept that conversation going as long as I could. You posted two things to my facebook page in the past week. One was a link to a store where you could buy a shirt that said "My iphone has changed the way I poop" and the other was yesterday, an old video of Dustin getting chased by bees. We laughed today that the last thing you sent to the 6 or 7 of us, was making fun of Dustin, and how fitting that seemed.
Your only "note" was on facebook, just announcing that you were "finally free". Whatever that means. Alex, I miss you and I love you, but I'm also so angry at you. What are you free from? Sadness? Loneliness? Life is hard, I know. But there are so many better ways. You have so many people who love you, alex, and who would have been there to talk in an instant. I think about all the times you'd text me drunk or just late at night, and wonder what was so different about last night. If I had gone up there last night, to Ft. Collins, like I came so close to doing, would things have been different? You knew that dustin would be the one to find you, and how much that would hurt him, so why would you do this to him? Did you think you had to be perfect and if your med school plan wasn't exactly on track, then that meant you were a failure? Because it didn't. You were one of the smartest people I've ever met, and maybe that has nothing to do with it. I'll never know what was going through your mind. Everybody keeps telling me not to focus on the what if's and why's but it's really hard. But Alex, I know you weren't a "what if" type of guy and you weren't a "why" type of guy. You did things and did them whole heartedly, and had no regrets about anything. You didn't care about what other people thought, in fact you'd say things just to get a rise out of people, like when you didn't throw SPF 15 sunscreen at that guy, but pretended you did so you could make him mad. We were all laughing so hard, and you kept a straight face the whole time.
Lyns and I were talking today about the significance of your tattoo, that says freedom across your back. And how those were your last words you said to everyone. I remember once, we were talking about tattoos and I said how I wasn't against getting one but I just couldn't think of anything that meant so much to me that I'd want it on my body for the rest of my life. You responded, "yeah that's definitely a good idea. Make sure its something that you want. Or else you might end up with some obscure term written in huge cursive across your shoulder blades like me." I laughed then, but now I'm thinking, maybe it wasn't so obscure. Maybe that's all you really wanted. Freedom. You wanted to be free from pain. You wanted to feel the wind in your hair, or in your case--beard. That's why you liked mountain biking and your motorcycle and why you lost your drivers license from getting too many speeding tickets. You were just moving too fast for this silly little world.
You had a heart like no other. All your ambitions were centered around helping people. It's a shame that no one will ever get the privilege of calling you their doctor.
I'll make sure to cheer extra hard for the Broncos...can't cure me of my CU bias though ;)
I was so lucky to call you my friend, Alex, and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life...
-Tay
Today I got a phone call at 6:00 in the morning from Lynnsie. It woke me up, and when I didn't reach it in time, I brushed it off as an accident and tried to fall back asleep. The vibrating began again, and the moment I answered the phone I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.
After a cycle of hyperventilating, crying, and staring into space, I finally gained enough composure to go over to Lynnsie's house, where as you can probably guess, I broke down again. We both headed down the street to Dustin's house, convenient how we indirectly set those two up after they had been neighbors for a few years, huh Alex? We're quite the matchmakers.
You had quite the friends, Al. And how could you not? You were easily one of the most likable people I've ever met. Even when you were an asshole, and you were often, no one could stay mad at you. I tried, and failed...on multiple occasions.
At first it was just ten or twelve of us, sitting in complete silence, unable to come up with words to comfort each other. Dustin broke the silence telling us you wanted everyone to drink at your funeral. Jeff piped up saying that you'd want it to be cheap whiskey. We laughed, to keep from crying. This lasted all day, we'd cry and then someone would remember something and everyone would be laughing again. Alex, thank you for being the kind of person who left enough funny stories to last a lifetime. And in the rare case we do ever run out, we'll just tell em again and they will still be funny.
Jay said today, "He isn't someone you can replace. There is not another person like him in the world," and it's so true. While everyone's stories were funny, I couldn't help but think how you were probably the one person who could have made me feel authentically better in this situation, and you weren't here. I kept expecting this to be some kind of dream, that I'd wake up and I'd text you and you'd reply back with some sarcastic or irreverent comment to make me laugh.
We talked about how you dug a pit in your backyard, spent weeks laying brick or in actuality making your friends lay brick, and roasted a pig. You invited everyone you knew. We all agreed with Bri when she said "That's one thing about Alex. If he said he was going to do something, he did it. And he did it with some umph." I was promised the apple in the pig's mouth, but as it turns out, it didn't look so appetizing after spending 24 hours in the ground being smoked to death. I'm still convinced you were supposed to put the apple in after you cooked the pig.
I feel like I got to know you in a different way than a lot of people. I kept wishing I was there to witness all these crazy moments your college friends talked about today, riding down the dorm stairs on a bike or inviting RA's in for a party and getting the girl's written up, or telling Dustin to come back later when he wanted help with his chemistry homework, until you found out he brought a 6-pack of beer. There were so many good stories that I hadn't heard and didn't witness, but I am grateful nevertheless for your friendship.
I knew who you were all throughout school. We went to the same elementary school, but you were a year older, so we didn't really talk. Your baby sister, was talking today about your goofy glasses and the ears you hadn't quite grown into when you were a kid..I remember that. We didn't really start hanging out until you met Dustin and Alyssa was dating him and I went to that party at his house. The one where I lost my clothes after hot tubbing until Dustin's mom found them months later, I vacuumed the whole house, and you fell asleep in Dustin's parents bed. I took that picture with you holding Dustin's ugly little dog and it's probably my favorite one of you.
I was dating Zach at that time, and we didn't really talk until you boys came to Lubbock to visit Adam over MLK weekend, and I drove up from Waco. That was such a good weekend. You were so excited to eat any bbq you could get your hands on. I think that was secretly one of your life goals, to try to find the best bbq place in Texas...or the US, but it's probably in Texas. You always made fun of Texas, but I think you secretly loved it. I was reading our old facebook messages today and in one of them you asked me if I liked Colorado or Texas better, and I said Colorado, but that maybe I was just saying that so you won't stop being friends with me and you said, " I think I would have still talked to you even if you liked Texas better, that's how much I like you."
You also hated Texas, because you couldn't cross the state line without getting some sort of traffic ticket. I remember making fun of your radar detector in your car because we approached a group of about four cop cars, and the detector went off about two minutes after we passed them. You're response was, "Radar detectors are completely worthless. They just beep and annoy you. Mine was a Christmas present from my brother, it's the thought that counts"
Anyways, in Lubbock, the second night, you were the DD and I got in trouble with an undercover cop for drinking at the bar and you laughed at me, as expected. Being the two sober people, I guess we hit it off. We talked for about a few hours while everyone else played pool and then you asked me to dance. We probably looked like fools, us two Coloradans trying to two step with all these Texas cowboys. I think that night you admitted to liking country music a little bit, but you might have just been trying to woo me. Anyways, it worked. We ended up kissing in a bar booth, and then back at Adam's house. We probably made everyone feel a little uncomfortable, but after getting to know you, I now realize uncomfortableness is your specialty.
I didn't think anything would come of it, but we started talking of facebook and our short messages eventually got longer and deeper. I told you things that I haven't told a lot of people, and I think it was actually kind of cool how we got to know each other like that. You told me about the car accident you were in in high school, and how it made you reevaluate things:
"People always ask me to tell them the story becaues it's pretty crazy, and I make jokes about it, but it really was a very significant event for me. . . I knew I was going to die right there. It wasn't like how you would think, everything was silent and really believe that those were my last moments. So much so that I wasn't scared, I accepted the fact that I was at the end of my life. . . Several people had gotten out of their cars to see if I was alright, a few were EMTs, they told me to lie down because I might have a spinal injury. But at that moment I realized what just happened, and I looked across this field and saw the other car. It wasn't as bad as mine, but it was totaled. I felt this sinking feeling in my stomach, it was the worst feeling I ever had, I thought 'Did I just kill somebody'? I went to the hospital but was uninjured besides a sprained pinky, and ran in a track meet the next day. The lady was fine too. So after that, I had some pretty intense emotions. Seeing my death, feeling like I had killed someone, feeling like my parents were going to kill me, that day changed my life. I realized how easy it is to get killed, so I really started to enjoy life more. I decided I never wanted to waste a day if I wanted to do something I was going to do it."
You went on to talk about how that's why you bought your motorcycle and how you realized you could die when you were 80 or you could die today, and then in typical Alex fashion, said now my question for you is "Why in the world do you get vegetarian burritos at Chipotle?"
We talked a lot those few months. The computer, texting, the phone. I remember I jokingly asked if you wanted to be my Valentine a few days before Valentine's Day, and you said of course, and that if I drove up for the weekend, you'd take me out for a fancy dinner. Although it was hard to resist your charm, I had other obligations. But on Valentine's Day eve you sent me a picture of you with your shirt off, telling me that was your present to me. I laughed and sent you a picture of beer bottles in the shape of a heart. You responded, "That better be Coors Light."
The next day after I got back to my dorm, I was greeted by a notice saying that I had a package to pick up. Expecting it to be from my mom, I took my time getting over to the Student building. A huge 1-800-flowers box was handed to me, and when I got back to my room and found the card from you, I couldn't have been more happy. Two dozen pink roses and a note that said, "I'm thrilled were getting to know each other better. Happy Valentine's Day!"
I spent at least half of my spring break with you. I went up to Ft. Collins, you met my parents, but we kind of came to the consensus that we both weren't ready to do the long distance thing. You later told me that you just didn't think I was over Zach, which as much as I'd like to deny it, was probably true. I got back together with him within a couple months. What was so awesome is that you and I were still friends after all that, and it was never awkward. Nothing was ever awkward with you, or maybe you just embrace awkwardness so much that it just kind of made it feel not awkward.
In the past year, I officially ended things with Zach and you had a couple of serious girlfriends. We'd talk about things and then at the beginning of the summer there was a little bit of drama, but like I said, I can't stay mad at you. I had a fling with one of your friends and you claimed it didn't "really" bother you. That ended, and to be honest I felt like I had jeopardized my friendship with you, with him, and then Lynnsie and Dustin. We had kinda stopped talking as much, until a couple weeks ago when we went to the Rockies game. We had dinner before and if I'd have known that would be the last time I'd see you, I would have hugged you a little longer when I said goodbye. We didn't talk a lot that night, but things seemed back to normal. You were happy I had converted to iphonism...and we were talking about weird applications, I told you I found a vibrator application and how I thought it was outrageous and raunchy, and you of course, made a scene and accused me of downloading it. I told you it was an accident and I had been searching in different categories and you asked which category I was looking under, "the hussy category"?
The last conversation I had with you was a week ago, a text message asking if I had been to a barbeque place in Waco called the Rusty Star, which I hadn't been to. You were watching the travel channel and Ted Nugent had said it was the best in Texas. I tried to convince you, for the millionth time, to come to Waco to visit, this time using Ted Nugent and the travel channel as my bargaining tool. You said you'd think about it, and we joked around until I accidently fell asleep and quit texting you back. The morning after I felt proud that I had accidently left you hanging in that conversation, I guess just because you had done it to me before? If I had known that would be the last time I'd really talk to you, I would have kept that conversation going as long as I could. You posted two things to my facebook page in the past week. One was a link to a store where you could buy a shirt that said "My iphone has changed the way I poop" and the other was yesterday, an old video of Dustin getting chased by bees. We laughed today that the last thing you sent to the 6 or 7 of us, was making fun of Dustin, and how fitting that seemed.
Your only "note" was on facebook, just announcing that you were "finally free". Whatever that means. Alex, I miss you and I love you, but I'm also so angry at you. What are you free from? Sadness? Loneliness? Life is hard, I know. But there are so many better ways. You have so many people who love you, alex, and who would have been there to talk in an instant. I think about all the times you'd text me drunk or just late at night, and wonder what was so different about last night. If I had gone up there last night, to Ft. Collins, like I came so close to doing, would things have been different? You knew that dustin would be the one to find you, and how much that would hurt him, so why would you do this to him? Did you think you had to be perfect and if your med school plan wasn't exactly on track, then that meant you were a failure? Because it didn't. You were one of the smartest people I've ever met, and maybe that has nothing to do with it. I'll never know what was going through your mind. Everybody keeps telling me not to focus on the what if's and why's but it's really hard. But Alex, I know you weren't a "what if" type of guy and you weren't a "why" type of guy. You did things and did them whole heartedly, and had no regrets about anything. You didn't care about what other people thought, in fact you'd say things just to get a rise out of people, like when you didn't throw SPF 15 sunscreen at that guy, but pretended you did so you could make him mad. We were all laughing so hard, and you kept a straight face the whole time.
Lyns and I were talking today about the significance of your tattoo, that says freedom across your back. And how those were your last words you said to everyone. I remember once, we were talking about tattoos and I said how I wasn't against getting one but I just couldn't think of anything that meant so much to me that I'd want it on my body for the rest of my life. You responded, "yeah that's definitely a good idea. Make sure its something that you want. Or else you might end up with some obscure term written in huge cursive across your shoulder blades like me." I laughed then, but now I'm thinking, maybe it wasn't so obscure. Maybe that's all you really wanted. Freedom. You wanted to be free from pain. You wanted to feel the wind in your hair, or in your case--beard. That's why you liked mountain biking and your motorcycle and why you lost your drivers license from getting too many speeding tickets. You were just moving too fast for this silly little world.
You had a heart like no other. All your ambitions were centered around helping people. It's a shame that no one will ever get the privilege of calling you their doctor.
I'll make sure to cheer extra hard for the Broncos...can't cure me of my CU bias though ;)
I was so lucky to call you my friend, Alex, and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life...
-Tay