muses_w_remotes - 9.14 - I Hear In My Mind All Of These Voices
"I know what dude I am. I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude!" | Tropic Thunder
Larry didn't keep in close contact with his family. Enough to keep them involved with Sam, but not much more. Zoe, Scotty, and Vic were his family. He probably should feel like the odd man out, since they were the actual family, but he didn't. They were his.
And Zoe was his best friend. She had been there for him so much over the years, and he for her. They got each other and always got along. Sure they'd had minor disagreements in their time, but he had never heard her sound so disappointed in him. He hated it.
It wasn't a surprise, of course. He knew she wouldn't be happy. He also knew she was just being his friend. He had leaned on her a lot in the beginning, when he shut Cora out of his life. When he was struggling. Between missing Cora, wanting to hate her, and feeling so completely worthless from it all. All those feelings and thoughts, Zoe was there. She never told him to shut up about it all. She listened, gave him reason, and then cheered him up. He wouldn't be half of the new man he was if it weren't for Zoe.
And he disappointed her. Everything she had said was valid. They were all things he had already thought himself. Things that were trying to hold him back from being with Cora again. He knew how far he'd fallen at times, leaving his family to pick him up, but it was hard to think of the whole situation as black and white. He used to. Especially in the last couple of years. He finally got to the place where he wasn't ever going to go near that relationship again. He was done, and perfectly okay with it. He preferred Cora out of his life.
Then she came back into it. She crept under the wall he had put up. The Oblivious To Everything Caroline Parker wall. And she made contact that night. Not when he was able to feel her skin again, or kiss her lips. Not when he had that one pleasure he could never forget. No, the wall started to go down after the sex. When they spoke. The way she spoke. Saying things, giving, more than she had the entire time they had been together before. In those minutes he saw someone else. Someone better. He had tried to resist, but couldn't. Not when he held her in his arms again.
Zoe was right. As much as Larry had worked against it over the years, as much as he had changed and tried to push it away - Cora did have a pass with him. A pass that let her have so much of himself. Get away with it. He knew he was asking for trouble. He knew he'd get hurt again. He knew Zoe had every right to everything she had said, and that she wasn't wrong.
Now, though, he was running the risk of not having Zoe there. Of seeing the "I warned you" looks in her eyes. He didn't want that. Zoe meant the world to him. He'd learned to live without Cora, and he had done just fine. He couldn't be okay without Zoe. If anything disrupted their friendship, if his being with Cora disrupted their friendship....well...he wasn't sure if it was worth it. It made his back and forth tug of war over his thoughts of being with Cora pull even harder. Because not only did he have his own doubts moving through his mind each moment, but he had Zoe's, too. And those were a lot louder and harder to ignore than his own.
612
Larry didn't keep in close contact with his family. Enough to keep them involved with Sam, but not much more. Zoe, Scotty, and Vic were his family. He probably should feel like the odd man out, since they were the actual family, but he didn't. They were his.
And Zoe was his best friend. She had been there for him so much over the years, and he for her. They got each other and always got along. Sure they'd had minor disagreements in their time, but he had never heard her sound so disappointed in him. He hated it.
It wasn't a surprise, of course. He knew she wouldn't be happy. He also knew she was just being his friend. He had leaned on her a lot in the beginning, when he shut Cora out of his life. When he was struggling. Between missing Cora, wanting to hate her, and feeling so completely worthless from it all. All those feelings and thoughts, Zoe was there. She never told him to shut up about it all. She listened, gave him reason, and then cheered him up. He wouldn't be half of the new man he was if it weren't for Zoe.
And he disappointed her. Everything she had said was valid. They were all things he had already thought himself. Things that were trying to hold him back from being with Cora again. He knew how far he'd fallen at times, leaving his family to pick him up, but it was hard to think of the whole situation as black and white. He used to. Especially in the last couple of years. He finally got to the place where he wasn't ever going to go near that relationship again. He was done, and perfectly okay with it. He preferred Cora out of his life.
Then she came back into it. She crept under the wall he had put up. The Oblivious To Everything Caroline Parker wall. And she made contact that night. Not when he was able to feel her skin again, or kiss her lips. Not when he had that one pleasure he could never forget. No, the wall started to go down after the sex. When they spoke. The way she spoke. Saying things, giving, more than she had the entire time they had been together before. In those minutes he saw someone else. Someone better. He had tried to resist, but couldn't. Not when he held her in his arms again.
Zoe was right. As much as Larry had worked against it over the years, as much as he had changed and tried to push it away - Cora did have a pass with him. A pass that let her have so much of himself. Get away with it. He knew he was asking for trouble. He knew he'd get hurt again. He knew Zoe had every right to everything she had said, and that she wasn't wrong.
Now, though, he was running the risk of not having Zoe there. Of seeing the "I warned you" looks in her eyes. He didn't want that. Zoe meant the world to him. He'd learned to live without Cora, and he had done just fine. He couldn't be okay without Zoe. If anything disrupted their friendship, if his being with Cora disrupted their friendship....well...he wasn't sure if it was worth it. It made his back and forth tug of war over his thoughts of being with Cora pull even harder. Because not only did he have his own doubts moving through his mind each moment, but he had Zoe's, too. And those were a lot louder and harder to ignore than his own.
612