So My Instincts Were Right
Damian and I have broken up.
When he split up with me for the first time, it was because he didn't think things would work out after he graduated, and he thought things were fizzling out and it would get too complicated to see each other.
When we got back together he said he was 99% sure that it was the right thing to do. During the whole weekend in Middlesbrough, he was weird, and as I said before he was gone most of the time. However, on Sunday night after he got back from filming that student film, we had a really nice night, and things seemed fine.
Anyway, I rang my phone from his because I couldn't find where I'd put mine. Afterwards, I opened his inbox and saw a text message saying "Don't lead her on" from some girl called Holly. I asked him what it meant, and he said that it was about some girl at the Drama Society he was flirting with him. I knew he was lying and questioned him. I read more texts from the same girl, things like "I love you", "I wish I could give you a cuddle", "you're my special duck". I started crying, and told him I didn't want to speak to him. After a while I asked to talk, and he wouldn't. He laid on the bed with a pillow over his head, refusing to discuss it with me. I was sobbing, and rang my mum because I felt so lonely and so isolated and just wanted to come home. After I finished, Damian decided to talk. He said he didn't want to be with me, he just didn't know how to say it. I started questioning him about this girl, and he said she is just an internet friend from Scotland. I asked why she would say she loved him, and he said "That's just what she's like". He continued with this same story the whole night, so I'm not sure whether to believe him...it seems strange to me.
Anyway, I came online to speak to Jim on MSN about everything, and I asked Damian for the money he owed me and transferred the tickets to ATP (festival) to his name. He got really angry about me "demanding" money, and said this is why he doesn't want to be with me, because I'm annoying and demanding. He said I had to get off his internet. I said that no, I had nobody else to talk to, nowhere to go, and I needed somebody to speak to. He told me again to get off, then finally grabbed me hard and chucked me on the bed. He deleted my useraccount on his PC and then changed the password for his.
After talking to him more, he said that I push everyone away from me, that no wonder I've had troubles with so many housemates and people I've lived with, because I'm horrible. I asked how he could do this to me, lie to me, and mislead me, when I'm having a hard time as it is, when my grandad has just been diagnosed with cancer. He said "You never fucking shutup about your grandad having cancer". Which was fucking harsh, and uncalled for, and we've only just found out about it anyway!
A bit later, he calmed down, and we started talking about things rationally. I told him how cruel it was, for him to do this to me. To break my heart, then to give me false hope, only for me to find everything out and to have my heart broken again..at a time when I was at my most vulnerable. He agreed that it was awful, and that he was a coward. He said that all the times that he said he loved me during that weekend, and the couple of weeks before when we were back together, but not seeing each other, were just empty words and lies. That hurt the most, that he no longer even loved me. I love him, no matter how he has treated me. I'm not in love with him, but I still love him. Even if we were just friends, I would still love him.
After talking all night, I told him that although I'd never forgive him, that he had treated me awfully, I would still consider being his friend...and maybe even going to ATP with him as a friend. I know this sounds pathetic, but I still want him in my life. He is not the person I thought he was, I see him differently now and he will never get my respect back, even on a purely platonic level...but I still want him in my life because I care about him and I enjoy being around him.
In the morning, before my train, we went into town and got McDonald's breakfast, and went shopping. It was fine, I felt okay. I felt upset at times...but more from the way he had treated me than the loss. He kept trying to hold my hand as we walked round, but I stopped him.
Now, I think I'm feeling okayish about it. I can say that I don't long for him, I'm not pining. I feel betrayed and I can't believe how fast things can change. Two months ago I was recieving Valentine's flowers and planning on moving in with him..now I'm single and see him in a completely different light.
Life is weird.
When he split up with me for the first time, it was because he didn't think things would work out after he graduated, and he thought things were fizzling out and it would get too complicated to see each other.
When we got back together he said he was 99% sure that it was the right thing to do. During the whole weekend in Middlesbrough, he was weird, and as I said before he was gone most of the time. However, on Sunday night after he got back from filming that student film, we had a really nice night, and things seemed fine.
Anyway, I rang my phone from his because I couldn't find where I'd put mine. Afterwards, I opened his inbox and saw a text message saying "Don't lead her on" from some girl called Holly. I asked him what it meant, and he said that it was about some girl at the Drama Society he was flirting with him. I knew he was lying and questioned him. I read more texts from the same girl, things like "I love you", "I wish I could give you a cuddle", "you're my special duck". I started crying, and told him I didn't want to speak to him. After a while I asked to talk, and he wouldn't. He laid on the bed with a pillow over his head, refusing to discuss it with me. I was sobbing, and rang my mum because I felt so lonely and so isolated and just wanted to come home. After I finished, Damian decided to talk. He said he didn't want to be with me, he just didn't know how to say it. I started questioning him about this girl, and he said she is just an internet friend from Scotland. I asked why she would say she loved him, and he said "That's just what she's like". He continued with this same story the whole night, so I'm not sure whether to believe him...it seems strange to me.
Anyway, I came online to speak to Jim on MSN about everything, and I asked Damian for the money he owed me and transferred the tickets to ATP (festival) to his name. He got really angry about me "demanding" money, and said this is why he doesn't want to be with me, because I'm annoying and demanding. He said I had to get off his internet. I said that no, I had nobody else to talk to, nowhere to go, and I needed somebody to speak to. He told me again to get off, then finally grabbed me hard and chucked me on the bed. He deleted my useraccount on his PC and then changed the password for his.
After talking to him more, he said that I push everyone away from me, that no wonder I've had troubles with so many housemates and people I've lived with, because I'm horrible. I asked how he could do this to me, lie to me, and mislead me, when I'm having a hard time as it is, when my grandad has just been diagnosed with cancer. He said "You never fucking shutup about your grandad having cancer". Which was fucking harsh, and uncalled for, and we've only just found out about it anyway!
A bit later, he calmed down, and we started talking about things rationally. I told him how cruel it was, for him to do this to me. To break my heart, then to give me false hope, only for me to find everything out and to have my heart broken again..at a time when I was at my most vulnerable. He agreed that it was awful, and that he was a coward. He said that all the times that he said he loved me during that weekend, and the couple of weeks before when we were back together, but not seeing each other, were just empty words and lies. That hurt the most, that he no longer even loved me. I love him, no matter how he has treated me. I'm not in love with him, but I still love him. Even if we were just friends, I would still love him.
After talking all night, I told him that although I'd never forgive him, that he had treated me awfully, I would still consider being his friend...and maybe even going to ATP with him as a friend. I know this sounds pathetic, but I still want him in my life. He is not the person I thought he was, I see him differently now and he will never get my respect back, even on a purely platonic level...but I still want him in my life because I care about him and I enjoy being around him.
In the morning, before my train, we went into town and got McDonald's breakfast, and went shopping. It was fine, I felt okay. I felt upset at times...but more from the way he had treated me than the loss. He kept trying to hold my hand as we walked round, but I stopped him.
Now, I think I'm feeling okayish about it. I can say that I don't long for him, I'm not pining. I feel betrayed and I can't believe how fast things can change. Two months ago I was recieving Valentine's flowers and planning on moving in with him..now I'm single and see him in a completely different light.
Life is weird.