kill me carry me forget me then bury me
I had a roommate once who had 666 tattooed on his calves and wore pentagram shirts and would roll joints with pages from Bibles and tie strings and cords into nooses and leave them about the apartment and said God Was Dead. One day on a bad mushroom trip he confessed that he wished he could believe in Jesus. “Life would be so much easier” he’d said quietly. “I wish so much it was true. I wish so much I could believe in it all.”
My friends some of my friends are lonely. Some of my friends are on anti-depressants some of my friends drive nice cars. Some of my friends are turning to look around rooms to meet eyes with strangers some of my friends get dressed up some of my friends get their hopes up. Some of my friends are looking at themselves in the mirror as they leave the door and reminding themselves that they will be happy someday. Some of my friends look at pictures of space and can’t figure out what is so beautiful and lonely about it at the same time. Some of my friends think that Love Is Out There. Some of my friends, those friends, they run into me, already drunk at the bar since three playing pool in the same shirt I've worn for the last four days. Sometimes they tell me I have bags under my eyes. Sometimes they ask me what’s wrong and why I drink so much. Sometimes they hug me goodbye while I stay until last call and I hug them and I say “You won’t find it no one finds it” and they think I’m just drunk. I want to say none of it is real please stop looking please stop coming here hoping. Have a drink and stay alone. That's ok too, to just have a drink and stay alone.
I'm singing softly and his fingers are playing with my teeth feeling their ridges and edges and we’re sipping champagne and staring at the ceiling and there’s a fire burning and then I get up and I break a champagne glass on accident.
I want to tell him that I won’t ever fall in love with him. I want to tell him because he should know. I just don’t know if I believe in love. He should know that I just don't know if I believe in love. “Life would be so much easier. I wish so much it was true.”