(no subject)
"Wake up maggie I think I got something to say to you..."
I've realized a few things lately. The most surprising? I'm the most foolish person on the planet. After the last time Bill broke my heart, I thought I would never set myself up for that kind of failure again. But he told me he loved me. He told me he wanted a relationship with me. He told me he wanted to be with me.
"You stole my heart and thats what really hurt."
He lied. Again.
"I laughed at all of your jokes, my love you didnt need to coax..."
Yesterday, he told me that (according to a definition of love that holds true for one of his newest, most recent, and married friends) he has never loved me, and he probably never will. He said that the only reason he wants me back after we break up is that I'm his friend and he wants to stop me from hurting.
"You made a first-class fool out of me, but I'm as blind as a fool can be."
I feel so dumb. I believed him. I believed every word that came out of his mouth. He said I was pretty, I was incredible, I was an amazing person. He said I made him feel special. He said he was in love with me and that he wanted to be with me forever. He said so many wonderful things. How do I know what he actually meant?
"All you did was wreck my bed and in the morning kick me in the head."
Ugh. I'm alone now. I'm alone. I need my best friends. But one's on the east coast, one's on the west coast, and the other is Bill. Bill won't hug me. He refuses.
"The morning sun when its in your face really shows your age, but that don't worry me none, in my eyes you're everything."
I didn't sleep at all last night. I took sleeping pills, but couldn't keep them down. I can't eat; it all just comes back up. I can't think straight.
"I know I keep you amused, but I feel I'm being used..."
My life is collapsing. My motivation for getting through school was so I could get out of my parents' house and buy my own home so I could move in with Bill and we could finally start our life together. Naive? Yes. Stupid? Yes. But true.
"Oh Maggie I couldn't have tried anymore..."
I can't do this. I don't know that I'm strong enough to survive this and still remain human. My belief in love and happiness is virtually non-existant at this point. My ability to trust is shattered. Absolutley gone. I am ruined, and it's my own damn fault.
"You stole my heart, but I love you anyway."