Letting Go
So... I'm sick of thinking about it all. I'm sick of the pain I feel. I don't understand how she can walk away from our relationship just like that. She found someone new. The only conclusion I have is that she never loved me, and she played me for a fool. I fell for it. However now, I need to let go of her and move on. She has her life, and she isn't happy. I know it. But regardless, I will be. I saw her with her new boyfriend... That hurt. However, I realize that she never cared for me, and the whole relationship was fake from the start. She only loved the image of me, not who I was. She never took the time to know who I am. And I never let her in... She never took care of me when I was sick, never called just to check on me, and never took the first step towards anything in our relationship... I was always there for her, and the one time I needed her more than anything else, she walked away. She gave up on me like her father gave up on her mother. I guess we are products of our environment afterall.
I don't wish bad on her, infact I wish her well. However, I want her out of my mind. I'm going fucking insane with all of this mourning and pain. Sometimes goodbye's the only way...
Tomorrow I hear back from the job I applied for. It's the position of Network Technician for a major communications company. The other position I applied for is Project Manager. Eitherway, working in a field relative to my career will be nice and refreshing. It's a promising career field, and I look forward to applying the relative network technology and information to my career choice of Game Development.
So now, I rebuild my life. Soon she will away at college, and I will be at a different college... I'll finally be working towards what I want in life. For the first time in three years, I feel close to myself again. I know ultimately that God has a plan, and that everything that happens to us is for a greater good. Sometimes it is just hard to smile, and hard to find my way. I pray she stops haunting my dreams. I feel like I screwed up something that was wonderful, but again, when I analyze the relationship, it was childish, immature and hopelessly a fantasy dream. First I start a new job, then college... then perhaps I will find someone who will love me for who I am. Good and bad. There are things in my life that I am not proud of. Those strengthen me and make me who I am today. I can't wait to start this new life.
God, help me and bless me along the way. Forgive me for my short-comings. And let peace reside in my heart over her. Let me see it for what it is: a lesson learned, and an image of love. I loved her, but how much can you love someone with nothing in return?
I wish you all the best. Thank you for your support, and for talking to me. Thank you for helping me escape this depression. I have diagnosed myself with borderline depression, and I think I may seek outside help for it, just incase. I don't want it to get worse, I only want it to go away.
May God's blessings descend,
~Josh