(no subject)
I have to do work tonight which automatically equals depressedasaurused. I know what you're thinking, what does a depressedasaurus look like? Well, it's drawn on my dry erase board right now, along with me flicking the general cosmos off while thinking "FUCK." I took pictures but i'm too lazy to deal with my hateful computer and it's ridiculous slowness.
Anyway, i'm posting a lot on here. Mostly because i respect the quality of my xanga. However, when i do that, i get hella-less comments. Ehh, such is life.
I've gotten to be very impulsive lately. This is the number one reason i cannot attend my first ever drunken house party this weekend, because the back of my head says cara will end up drunk making out with strangers. I've done it before, i am not haughty enough to claim that i've matured enough to never do it again. I still see the allure in things that i should be repulsed by, i still see the allure a lot. The past few days i've been examining my past relations with people, especially guys, and the more repulsive my former actions the less repulsed i am by them.
I'm still repulsed by daniel, though. I still realize that i learned a lot of valuable lessons from dating him but it still doesn't change the fact that i'm completely repulsed by even associating with him.
He called me last week to tell me he got a blow job from a drunk chick on New Years Eve. Like this was something to be proud of. He justified it by saying that i refused to attend the drunken orgy with him. I wasn't even eating solid food at that point, i was still sick with the stomach flu. God i hate people.
"You'd make a good redneck's wife." One of my former xanga friends told me this earlier tonight, it really set me off. This is the same friend who randomly imed me last night after a year without contact and told me that i was a very beautiful girl.
I'm beginning to have a lot of issues with the Colin arrangement, namely him being a million miles away without any guarentee of a future meeting. I have figured out that it's very important for me to have someone physically around for me. And i don't mean to screw around with. I mean to look in the eyes of and feel a human-to-human bond with. I've never been this frustrated in my life. And i feel like i'm not dedicated enough to see this Colin thing through. I hate even thinking these things or saying these things because it kills colin and it kills me and i feel myself crumbling.
How could i be at the epitome of love a month and a half ago and then feel dead so soon after? HOW AND WHY AND WHY CAN I NOT STICK WITH THINGS.
I don't feel loved really. In general, not just with this. And i'm not saying that to solicite some sort of reaction like "oh, i love you cara i'm here for you" or something, it's just a feeling and there's very little that can be easily done about it. And a part of me wants to turn to back to what gave me a quick fix for it in the past - guys and beauty and the compliments of strangers and becoming a stranger to myself. Smoking and changing and trying to be whatever i thought would attract the people i most wanted the attention of. I'm frustrated, i guess that's the theme of this, i'm frustrated with life.
I hate the self-loathing that has been engrained in me from birth from my parents and from school and from church and all that crap. I hate it when people tell me to turn to god to solve my problems because i feel like god is where a lot of this shit stems from, god and catholicism and the institutions that promote it. I want to be free and happy again but all life has offered me the last few years has been fleeting moments and snatches of happiness, and then back down to druggery.
I want to go back to being envied, but i know no one envies someone filled with self-loathing and bitterness. I've become too bitter. And too depressed.
What is happening, why am i cracking again? And why is there no one to help me pick up the pieces?
And that is my stream-of-conscious for right now. I feel more coming on later.
Anyway, i'm posting a lot on here. Mostly because i respect the quality of my xanga. However, when i do that, i get hella-less comments. Ehh, such is life.
I've gotten to be very impulsive lately. This is the number one reason i cannot attend my first ever drunken house party this weekend, because the back of my head says cara will end up drunk making out with strangers. I've done it before, i am not haughty enough to claim that i've matured enough to never do it again. I still see the allure in things that i should be repulsed by, i still see the allure a lot. The past few days i've been examining my past relations with people, especially guys, and the more repulsive my former actions the less repulsed i am by them.
I'm still repulsed by daniel, though. I still realize that i learned a lot of valuable lessons from dating him but it still doesn't change the fact that i'm completely repulsed by even associating with him.
He called me last week to tell me he got a blow job from a drunk chick on New Years Eve. Like this was something to be proud of. He justified it by saying that i refused to attend the drunken orgy with him. I wasn't even eating solid food at that point, i was still sick with the stomach flu. God i hate people.
"You'd make a good redneck's wife." One of my former xanga friends told me this earlier tonight, it really set me off. This is the same friend who randomly imed me last night after a year without contact and told me that i was a very beautiful girl.
I'm beginning to have a lot of issues with the Colin arrangement, namely him being a million miles away without any guarentee of a future meeting. I have figured out that it's very important for me to have someone physically around for me. And i don't mean to screw around with. I mean to look in the eyes of and feel a human-to-human bond with. I've never been this frustrated in my life. And i feel like i'm not dedicated enough to see this Colin thing through. I hate even thinking these things or saying these things because it kills colin and it kills me and i feel myself crumbling.
How could i be at the epitome of love a month and a half ago and then feel dead so soon after? HOW AND WHY AND WHY CAN I NOT STICK WITH THINGS.
I don't feel loved really. In general, not just with this. And i'm not saying that to solicite some sort of reaction like "oh, i love you cara i'm here for you" or something, it's just a feeling and there's very little that can be easily done about it. And a part of me wants to turn to back to what gave me a quick fix for it in the past - guys and beauty and the compliments of strangers and becoming a stranger to myself. Smoking and changing and trying to be whatever i thought would attract the people i most wanted the attention of. I'm frustrated, i guess that's the theme of this, i'm frustrated with life.
I hate the self-loathing that has been engrained in me from birth from my parents and from school and from church and all that crap. I hate it when people tell me to turn to god to solve my problems because i feel like god is where a lot of this shit stems from, god and catholicism and the institutions that promote it. I want to be free and happy again but all life has offered me the last few years has been fleeting moments and snatches of happiness, and then back down to druggery.
I want to go back to being envied, but i know no one envies someone filled with self-loathing and bitterness. I've become too bitter. And too depressed.
What is happening, why am i cracking again? And why is there no one to help me pick up the pieces?
And that is my stream-of-conscious for right now. I feel more coming on later.