IM FUCKIN SICK AND FED UP WITH ALL THE LIES!!!
"IM FUCKING SICK AND FED UP WITH ALL THE LIES!!!" and im gonna start this entry out wiht: ok so i lied.. lying just seems to be the new thing now a days lol. n e hoo i guess im not done with this LJ thing a mi bober, stuffs on my mind so im just gonna type.. feel free to read or not - - it may not make sense im just gonna let lose (my thoughts right now are like "cotton candy")... thought id warn u ahead of time before u get urself half way in this big jumble of blahness that im about to write which may or may not make sense to u at all.. well i was thinkin about shit all night long.. never a good thing. i think ive come to a conclusion.. i wish my life was how it used to be, i miss what i dont have anymore.. i miss the people that were in my life a while back, who are no longer here.. the life i had (several years previous to now) i enjoyed so much more then this shit that im living in now.. my life has gone by so quick its un real.. i wish i would of done things differently, i feel as tho its too late to make changes.. i dont wanna get older! i really dont.. i wanna stay this age forever (well not forever but ya know what i mean...)and do certain things in my life while being at the age that i am, but im just unable to do that right now.. however time has to carry on, im about to be 17.. for me this past year has gone by so fast it seems like it was only last week that i turned 16, my sweet 16.. finally able to get my license... not to mention it seems like it was only a few months ago when i turned 15 and got my permit or when i was just turning 13 becomming a teenager woo hoo.. and i know im gonna feel the same way when i turn 18 cuz time flys.. theres only about one year until im 18 and fuckin hell im not ready to be out on my own. i was with my dad the other day, going to see his side of the family (which was a ordeal on its own) but.. we were talking about my life and the decisions ive made and are currently making, and ofcourse he doesnt approve of my decisions in life that i have made.. but now that i think of it, i dont know if i do either.. ive fucked up - - he made it very clear to me that i knew that too, my mother made that the clearest shes ever made it today aswell.. so yah.. he made it very clear that in 13 months im out cold turkey with no support or anything from him. my whole life ive grown up with him either in my life or not, hes never just been a dad, and been around to sit down and eat dinner as a family.. never taken me to school never done the dad like things.. but ive always known that if i need him hed help me out.. but after im 18 no sir ree.. im to take care of myself and weather im able to or not.. well thats up to me and he has nothing to do with it. whenever i talk to him he seems to put me into check, weather he trys to or not. as much as i think i see my picture, the life im living.. i really dont see it until he explains to me whats going on.. he seems to know everything, more then anyone.. and yet he knows nothing at all about me or the life i live... he informs me of whats gonna come from my choices that i make in life. i just feel like im growing up so fast.. i dont feel like im able to live my life lately, time is just flying by and i feel like im missin out on the past years in my life.. it all seems to just fly right by me and leave me with nothing but a blur of everything thats gone on.. i realize that most of my childhood is in my past, and im getting more into the adultish stage in life.. there are so many things i would of done differently, im not proud of most the things ive done.. but those chapters in my book are more then shut and closed, and cant be re-opened no matter how much i want them to be and how hard i try to fix it all.. ive never been scared.. i can honestly say im scared of what the future holds.. i dont wanna be anymore of a fuck up then i am.. or atleast have ppl realizes that i am a fuck up.. so yeah not sure how much i just babbled on about that but i think that covers my lil thoughts of not wanting to grow up lol... now if ur still reading this... well im truely sry to bore u.. stop reading it no ones making u... im gonna continue to ramble on so if u wanna read go for it.. so in the past few days a hell of alot has gone on.. i saw my dad (as u have probably already gathered), havent seen him in a while.. went off to see his side of the family.. havent seen them in months!! there was this one guy there i havent seen since i was like 8 i wanna say, ya he didnt bring back such great memories, not at all - if i would of known hed be there, well then i wouldnt of gone.. other than that tho it was nice seeing all of my other family memebers.. most of them started to cry cuz they were so happy i was there.. why anyone would cry with happiness b/c of my presence is completely beyond me..but all in all it was ok - ate lots of food, watched some tv, got some laker tickets.. and my aunt made my dad guilty about my whole cell phone situation so im gonna get a new one today or tomorrow, like a fuckin good one too.. not a cheap-o, finally ill have a cool phone.. so id say the end result of that day was a-ok.. not to mention i came home and had the best nap of my life! like no joke.. but good things always come to an end.. right? right! ofcourse nothing good can ever come my way and just continue to be good.. or just ok for that matter.. my mom and i got into THE BIGGEST fight of just EVER! for those of u who know how my mom and i fight.. u aint seen nothing until the other day. cops ended up getting involved.. we had a cop standing outside our door monitoring our every move and listening to our every sound that we made. we all know my mom and i can get a bit loud.. aparently a bunch and i mean like a BUNCH of my neighbors were worried and conserened for the well being of everyone.. they were so shocked to hear such horried things comming from this apt.. was what the dude told my mom and apparently some ppl saw into my bedroom window and saw my mom and grandma ontop of me literally attacking me physically and then aclled in to have someone in uniform arrive at my front door to make sure all was ok.. they fuckin rained on my on going parade.. i was just about to explode to a whole level i never have before.. open up new doors to a world i ddint know exsisted from my anger.. and then they gotta show up so everyone has to act all a ok so we dont get avicted.. dont really know what all is going on now.. sometime in the next 2 hrs im suposed to talk to my mom, and either get a job and start paying 500 bucks a month to live here or get the fuck out and this time im not allowed to return and according to her if i leave i can kiss my life here, along with her goodbye cuz once i walk out that door, shes taking it as i want nothing to do with her and she wants absolutley nothing to do with me.. i dissapoint her and to quote her "if i would of know life was gonna be like this when i gave birth to you... i would of left u with the doctors and i wouldnt of even thought twice about leaving u behind" so thats always nice to hear from the person u love the most in the world yah? yah i thought so..... and thats probably the least harsh of all that was said.. lucky me! whoever i love i always end up hurting.. and whoever claims that they love me always seem to leave.. love just isnt meant for me.. i fuck it up.. whoever considers themselves close to me.. i would suggest u leave before i fuck up with you.. or fuck you over in some way.. cuz thats what i do i fuck things up and fuck ppl over apparently, and as sorry as i am for the actions i do cause.. well thats not enough.. *i cant stress how sry i am baby, i love you.. that wont ever change.. if i could take it all back i would* that seems to be the theme of my life lately a god damn fuck up.. weather it be friends, family, boyfriends, whatever.. leave it up to me to fuck something up and ill get the job done just right. my god its only 9 30 in the morning and theres already drama online like no other.. ugh.. im sick of drama and sick of lies.. blah.. im not even gonna get into what i was just saying... kassie just called, it was nice to hear from her.. always great to get a cheerful voice from one of ur bestfriends that u havent heard from in a while, when ur in a blah bummer mood.. so turns out shes not moving away for 8 months but is infact gonna be back home in LA by friday.. im gonna end on a good note.. and now im gonna go ive got a lot of shit that i gotta do before i start my day... so much to do and yet so little time to do it in.. or better yet for a lazy person like me so much to do, so few ppl to do it for me.. well ta ta.. and if u have read this all the way clear to the end, well my god u were either bored as fucking shit!! or maybe u actually give a damn to what goes on in my life.. dont know why but ya.. i dont even give a damn enough to read it over.. so adios adios
over n out
julia
damn i just scrolled up this entry is fucking long, didnt know it was so long.. i am oh so sorry for all those who read all the way to this last sentence.. hope u didnt suffer to much.. love ya all..