Eye hell...
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Today's been wierd. I had to call my opthamologist and get a fast appointment. My eye have been blurry the past 2 days and it's freaking me out. At first I thought it was just the quality of light. Then I thought it was being tired and needing to go to bed but then today all day it's been with me and I felt neither sleepy/tired or in poor quality light.
Of course I am thinking shit, I can't go blind. Who doesn't panic like that when their eyes go all weird?!! So I called and they called me back within minutes and have me booked it for 845 am next Tuesday. I have no clue how we will get me up that early and be at the appointment *sigh*.
We're going to ask our neughbour here if he can do it on his way to work. yes it means he has to go outta his way and then go all the way back downtown but if he's cool with that we'll be SO grateful because the bus will require us up around 6 insteaad of 8ish... So I really hope he's cool about that and can do it. He did it once before. He was going to take us tot he bus terminal but took us all the way to the hospital. So we'll see if he can do it again.
Either way he's an awesome neighbour so I want to do something nice for him for Christmas. I am thining a funny/clever mug and then a container/tin of cookies and card. I tend to do special gifts for those people around here and in our lives that make the days just that little bit brighter and care. And he is one. So we need to get into our holiday baking spree and see what we can whip up.
Also I need to make our list. I have a rough one in my head but on paoer for both hubby and I to see and discuss is needed. So making a mental note to do that... Remember PJ...
Anyway, I digress.. the eye thing is worrying. I have been having high intraocular pressure issues for most of the year. Discovered after a routine eye exam due to spots in my vision where the optomitrist found bleeding around the optical nerves in my eyes. I was freaked out because he was putting drops in and really looking for a long time this way and that way with me until he finally told me what as going on.
I had been through lots of eye exasms in my lif which lead to getting glasses for nearsightedness. And I was scared because they never look that hard or that long. And I NEVER had drops before. So I was worried what the news was and when he told me I fell apart. I was terrified that it meant I was going blind. He did very little to quell my worries becaue you could tell he too was really worried. Especially with me being so young. So he referred me right to the opthamologist. This all happend like May. Was super stressed and so was hubby and my pdoc. So we got into there and he was great. He was worried about what was going on too because I was so young and sent me for tons of different tests with iv's and scans and iv drugs and crap. And then in July/August he was happy that it wasn't anything major and I wasn't losing sight so I was safe to hang in for a neurologist appointment to check out ny neurological causes, and see him again in December.
He was calling it a pseudo tumor in July when I saw him last. They have no idea why this happens and it requires all these scary (for me anyway) tests. I've passed all of them so far with flying colours but now I am having more issues. New ones. So now I called him to bump the appointment up a month, and we've landed with next Tuesday morning.
So I am both anxious, nervous and worried to hear what is going on now with my eyes. I LOVE my eyes. I always have. And I have taken as best care of them as I possibly could knowing what I do. So for this to be happening to me at 28 is devastating. I cannot accept it just being a fluke thing. He doesn't think we'll ever know what caused this thing if that is what it is. He also said that if the neurological report showed nothing that's what his best guess is and I would be on meds to reduce the pressure as best we can, the rest of my life. Scary scary news for a 28 year old.
Sure I haven't taken the best care of me on the whole since end of high school.... shit's been really bad and super stressful. And i lost my way as to what my needs are. I lost sight of me and how much my past influenced me still. Even after 4 breakdowns I just thought that was part of life. I had no clue how much mental stuff I was facing diagnosing wise and to recover from so I could live a long, healthy happy life.
So now I am working on treating all my body better and acknowledging and doing what I need. I am still working up to the exercise end of things but I have a plan on what I want to do to get back into shape. I just need the energy now to start it. Well not so much the energy because things like this work backwards, you get the energy from doing it. So I just gotta do it and having a hard time just doing it right now because of the massive manic/low phase I am going through and the S.A.D. shit.... I wish it was sunny and warmish all year round so I wouldn't have to deal with this shit! Grrrr!!
So we'll see what happens on Tuesday. I hope it's not bad news, just other symptoms showing up now. So we'll see...
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Yesterday I was all stirred up because I started out exhausted and fallinbg back asleep. Low when I woke up and feeling really demoralized. Then as the evening went on I got a bit cheery and okish feeling. So my mood changed from start to finish of the day... again. It's a really drastic change too so hubby noticed it even and could use it to gauge how I was doing. He said to me yesterday that is what he uses to gauge how I am. Talking and engaging me and listening to me and stuff. So he had noticed the change too.
Then when I was doing some email clear out and stuff I was watching some clips of 911 calls of children witnessing domestic abuse. I didn't realize they had that in the clips I thought it was just alking. So the clips choked me up and I was very glad that I planned it out well so I could have hubby around because I needed him. I was near tears within seconds of the clips and playbacks of 911 stuff... I guess I found a way to cry if I need to.
To be honest I was still shocked that it affected me so strongly. Ususally I can hear and watch stuff without it really getting to be but hearing these kids and the screams of the parents andtuff. I felt like I was back as a scared little kid hugging my brothers in the bedroom whiole my parents fought and trying to shield them from it. Then the fear as you leave them to go check once stuff gets quiet. I felt scared like right now t was happening. And I went totally cold and back into that fear and stuff. it just gripped me. Hubby was right here though hearing it all and watching out for me so he talked to me and held me and stuff. It was a 2 min 30 second clip of talking and the 911 calls and stuff and I wa a mess. I wish I hadn't listened in one way. In another though I have that to shop in schools and when I go around and do talks now, as I plan to stat doing that. So it will be helpful as it's so powerful and kids will hear other kids and that is SO important. It"s a lot different to have a peer come to you and say what they see than a adult asking you to speak out. When adults hurt each other or you, you don't have the trust with other adults. So this will be a profound eye opener for the kids I intend on speaking to. I wish that someone had played/showed me that as a child. I really do. maybe things would have been a lot different. I thought that was just how families were...
So yeah rough past week. Stupid lows from hell and then highs and being all crazy wired so i can't sleep or think hardly. Just driving me nuts. Alongside being urgy and wanting to cut to reset everything. So not been fun being me of late.
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I'm having a hard time doing hygiene duties. I can't explain it. I just don't give a shit anymore how I look or smell or anything. I figure you like/love me or you don't ! Hubby has been trying to be sensitive and stuff but he's said a few times that I need to shower. It hurts but not what he says, the fact that I have fallen so far. Ya know? It's just... sad... pathetic... Sorta thing. am upset with myself. I am angry I didn't deal with all this crap sooner. I am angry and disappointed in me that i couldn't see all this stuff for what it was... a HUGE problem and totally ABNORMAL I needed help, why would my head and body and team lie to me and keep me goinging living on the lie? I am broken, I was broken... I NEEDED help! I still NEED HELP so why was this realization kept from me in my OWN BODY?!! So angry about it! Why couldn't I see this?!! GRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
It's all just so fucked up and wrong... And then I get told that I apparently know the way to fix myself. Umm... rigggggghhhtt! Keep on dreaming sunshine!
"Professionals" can REALLY piss ya off sometimes! In my case, more often than not!
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My counsellor hasn't even bothered to call me back yet. I called her monday and it's now Wed. I wanted an appointment with her Thursday, which is now TOMORROW!
I don't know what the fuck is going on but I am pissed off. How hard is it to make a 3 second call and say yes or no? If she's miffed that I was sick and had to cancel last meeting she needs to get the hell over it. I make my appointments if I am able to. So holding onto that and being shitty at me is just going to lead to me firing your ass and getting a new counsellor and complaining about you. Do you not want your job? Seriously! Sheesh!
They roll through counsellors at that place too so aren't you going to want to keep your job. I guess they all figure they are in high demand, so if they get fired or their contract not renewed they just open up their own practice. I am relaly beyond caring. i just want to do my counselling and get outta it what I can and work on my recovery without the bull. I am tired of the crap and barriers I keep having to block and tumble. I have enough already in me so I don't need other peope whoa re supposed to be "helping me" making my life harder.
She does the art group tomorrow afternoon so I will ask her then and there if she is ok for after group. Not my fault she left it to the last minute. I am too tired and busy to try and wipe her butt. I called and left anothe rmessage today, and still no call back. So screw that. If she doesn't have a space tomorrow I am going to let her know I have been trying to reach her all week and this is really unacceptable. So we'll see what happens tomorrow.
If stuff fall through with her I might talk to Theresa then if she is free and see about moving to her for counselling. And f she isn't free, then talking to her next Monday at the women's empowerment group there.
Speaking of the assualt center... they have a support group for surivivors tomorrow morning starting at 10am. I am hoping to be able to go to tat. I am going to try super hard to wake up and not go to bed too late tonight. I really want to go. I need to get back into my groups and back on track.
Speakinbg of which, the crisis group at the hospital is a no go atm. Apparently some people have been coming out of it even worse off than when they started because there are far too many people, people are really nmessed up and I totally don't need that stress. So there's another support gone *sigh* So I am going to keep in touch with this friend in the know and see what she hears as to when I will go and try it. I am not doing well enough to go in there and end up a royal mess by the end of it. It needs to be supportive or I might land in the ER and that is the LAST thing I want.
So we'll see. It's probably a combo of the dark dreary days and the holiday season. So I am going to try and hold off and make do with other avenues for help.
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Today overall my mood has been good. Well pretty high. Like jump up and dance for hours.... I haven't don e that. have resisted the urge because it's really hard on me becaue i'm not supposed to go non-stop. None is. So I try to hold back when I get manic like this.. well as much as anyone can. It's hard to do though. VERY hard to do.
Atleast last night I was able to sleep fairly decent last night. Yes I had nightmares, that is a daily issue, but I wasn't awake on and off last night like recently.
I hope that we can return to our bed this weekend. Hubby has been bed rolling it on the office floor beside me on the couch. He says he's ok with it but I feel bad when he has to sleep on the floor. I would sleep on the floor but I can't sleep on floors... it's never comfie enough so I toss and turn. It's beyond me how the littles and stuff sleep in the closet on on the floor of their "tents". I can sleep outside on the ground but not the floors in a house... it's odd.
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Hubby went to the GMM tonight. I am not emotionally and mentaly doing well enough to deal with people being evicted. I am kinda having a hard time being compassionate because they made payment arrangements and fucked it up and the coordinator here really does bend over backwards to work with people to fix rent arrears. So when they are brought before everyone when they, if they appeal, it makes it hard to say, "oh that's ok you don't have to pay the rent like all of us do". Sorry, not going to fly! We're one of the households struggling the most and we pay our bills and still figure out how afford life, so forget that crap.
So hubby went to the meeting and gave my regrets and they followed through and both households have to move. It was done stupidly so now the co-op loses Jan rent too because we can't get it rented out *sigh* Stupid morons! That's what happens when you don't listen you just wave your hand around and vote without any thought process!
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Anyhoo, other than all that not so great stuff I have been able to maybe get a ride to the baby shower of that friend. So looks like I will have a ride home and there without any cost. And I have made a start on T's present. So stuff is getting done. Steadily. And my email account is pretty much rid of all emails I don't NEED or want or will use. So that's great! :)
Today's been wierd. I had to call my opthamologist and get a fast appointment. My eye have been blurry the past 2 days and it's freaking me out. At first I thought it was just the quality of light. Then I thought it was being tired and needing to go to bed but then today all day it's been with me and I felt neither sleepy/tired or in poor quality light.
Of course I am thinking shit, I can't go blind. Who doesn't panic like that when their eyes go all weird?!! So I called and they called me back within minutes and have me booked it for 845 am next Tuesday. I have no clue how we will get me up that early and be at the appointment *sigh*.
We're going to ask our neughbour here if he can do it on his way to work. yes it means he has to go outta his way and then go all the way back downtown but if he's cool with that we'll be SO grateful because the bus will require us up around 6 insteaad of 8ish... So I really hope he's cool about that and can do it. He did it once before. He was going to take us tot he bus terminal but took us all the way to the hospital. So we'll see if he can do it again.
Either way he's an awesome neighbour so I want to do something nice for him for Christmas. I am thining a funny/clever mug and then a container/tin of cookies and card. I tend to do special gifts for those people around here and in our lives that make the days just that little bit brighter and care. And he is one. So we need to get into our holiday baking spree and see what we can whip up.
Also I need to make our list. I have a rough one in my head but on paoer for both hubby and I to see and discuss is needed. So making a mental note to do that... Remember PJ...
Anyway, I digress.. the eye thing is worrying. I have been having high intraocular pressure issues for most of the year. Discovered after a routine eye exam due to spots in my vision where the optomitrist found bleeding around the optical nerves in my eyes. I was freaked out because he was putting drops in and really looking for a long time this way and that way with me until he finally told me what as going on.
I had been through lots of eye exasms in my lif which lead to getting glasses for nearsightedness. And I was scared because they never look that hard or that long. And I NEVER had drops before. So I was worried what the news was and when he told me I fell apart. I was terrified that it meant I was going blind. He did very little to quell my worries becaue you could tell he too was really worried. Especially with me being so young. So he referred me right to the opthamologist. This all happend like May. Was super stressed and so was hubby and my pdoc. So we got into there and he was great. He was worried about what was going on too because I was so young and sent me for tons of different tests with iv's and scans and iv drugs and crap. And then in July/August he was happy that it wasn't anything major and I wasn't losing sight so I was safe to hang in for a neurologist appointment to check out ny neurological causes, and see him again in December.
He was calling it a pseudo tumor in July when I saw him last. They have no idea why this happens and it requires all these scary (for me anyway) tests. I've passed all of them so far with flying colours but now I am having more issues. New ones. So now I called him to bump the appointment up a month, and we've landed with next Tuesday morning.
So I am both anxious, nervous and worried to hear what is going on now with my eyes. I LOVE my eyes. I always have. And I have taken as best care of them as I possibly could knowing what I do. So for this to be happening to me at 28 is devastating. I cannot accept it just being a fluke thing. He doesn't think we'll ever know what caused this thing if that is what it is. He also said that if the neurological report showed nothing that's what his best guess is and I would be on meds to reduce the pressure as best we can, the rest of my life. Scary scary news for a 28 year old.
Sure I haven't taken the best care of me on the whole since end of high school.... shit's been really bad and super stressful. And i lost my way as to what my needs are. I lost sight of me and how much my past influenced me still. Even after 4 breakdowns I just thought that was part of life. I had no clue how much mental stuff I was facing diagnosing wise and to recover from so I could live a long, healthy happy life.
So now I am working on treating all my body better and acknowledging and doing what I need. I am still working up to the exercise end of things but I have a plan on what I want to do to get back into shape. I just need the energy now to start it. Well not so much the energy because things like this work backwards, you get the energy from doing it. So I just gotta do it and having a hard time just doing it right now because of the massive manic/low phase I am going through and the S.A.D. shit.... I wish it was sunny and warmish all year round so I wouldn't have to deal with this shit! Grrrr!!
So we'll see what happens on Tuesday. I hope it's not bad news, just other symptoms showing up now. So we'll see...
------------
Yesterday I was all stirred up because I started out exhausted and fallinbg back asleep. Low when I woke up and feeling really demoralized. Then as the evening went on I got a bit cheery and okish feeling. So my mood changed from start to finish of the day... again. It's a really drastic change too so hubby noticed it even and could use it to gauge how I was doing. He said to me yesterday that is what he uses to gauge how I am. Talking and engaging me and listening to me and stuff. So he had noticed the change too.
Then when I was doing some email clear out and stuff I was watching some clips of 911 calls of children witnessing domestic abuse. I didn't realize they had that in the clips I thought it was just alking. So the clips choked me up and I was very glad that I planned it out well so I could have hubby around because I needed him. I was near tears within seconds of the clips and playbacks of 911 stuff... I guess I found a way to cry if I need to.
To be honest I was still shocked that it affected me so strongly. Ususally I can hear and watch stuff without it really getting to be but hearing these kids and the screams of the parents andtuff. I felt like I was back as a scared little kid hugging my brothers in the bedroom whiole my parents fought and trying to shield them from it. Then the fear as you leave them to go check once stuff gets quiet. I felt scared like right now t was happening. And I went totally cold and back into that fear and stuff. it just gripped me. Hubby was right here though hearing it all and watching out for me so he talked to me and held me and stuff. It was a 2 min 30 second clip of talking and the 911 calls and stuff and I wa a mess. I wish I hadn't listened in one way. In another though I have that to shop in schools and when I go around and do talks now, as I plan to stat doing that. So it will be helpful as it's so powerful and kids will hear other kids and that is SO important. It"s a lot different to have a peer come to you and say what they see than a adult asking you to speak out. When adults hurt each other or you, you don't have the trust with other adults. So this will be a profound eye opener for the kids I intend on speaking to. I wish that someone had played/showed me that as a child. I really do. maybe things would have been a lot different. I thought that was just how families were...
So yeah rough past week. Stupid lows from hell and then highs and being all crazy wired so i can't sleep or think hardly. Just driving me nuts. Alongside being urgy and wanting to cut to reset everything. So not been fun being me of late.
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I'm having a hard time doing hygiene duties. I can't explain it. I just don't give a shit anymore how I look or smell or anything. I figure you like/love me or you don't ! Hubby has been trying to be sensitive and stuff but he's said a few times that I need to shower. It hurts but not what he says, the fact that I have fallen so far. Ya know? It's just... sad... pathetic... Sorta thing. am upset with myself. I am angry I didn't deal with all this crap sooner. I am angry and disappointed in me that i couldn't see all this stuff for what it was... a HUGE problem and totally ABNORMAL I needed help, why would my head and body and team lie to me and keep me goinging living on the lie? I am broken, I was broken... I NEEDED help! I still NEED HELP so why was this realization kept from me in my OWN BODY?!! So angry about it! Why couldn't I see this?!! GRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
It's all just so fucked up and wrong... And then I get told that I apparently know the way to fix myself. Umm... rigggggghhhtt! Keep on dreaming sunshine!
"Professionals" can REALLY piss ya off sometimes! In my case, more often than not!
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My counsellor hasn't even bothered to call me back yet. I called her monday and it's now Wed. I wanted an appointment with her Thursday, which is now TOMORROW!
I don't know what the fuck is going on but I am pissed off. How hard is it to make a 3 second call and say yes or no? If she's miffed that I was sick and had to cancel last meeting she needs to get the hell over it. I make my appointments if I am able to. So holding onto that and being shitty at me is just going to lead to me firing your ass and getting a new counsellor and complaining about you. Do you not want your job? Seriously! Sheesh!
They roll through counsellors at that place too so aren't you going to want to keep your job. I guess they all figure they are in high demand, so if they get fired or their contract not renewed they just open up their own practice. I am relaly beyond caring. i just want to do my counselling and get outta it what I can and work on my recovery without the bull. I am tired of the crap and barriers I keep having to block and tumble. I have enough already in me so I don't need other peope whoa re supposed to be "helping me" making my life harder.
She does the art group tomorrow afternoon so I will ask her then and there if she is ok for after group. Not my fault she left it to the last minute. I am too tired and busy to try and wipe her butt. I called and left anothe rmessage today, and still no call back. So screw that. If she doesn't have a space tomorrow I am going to let her know I have been trying to reach her all week and this is really unacceptable. So we'll see what happens tomorrow.
If stuff fall through with her I might talk to Theresa then if she is free and see about moving to her for counselling. And f she isn't free, then talking to her next Monday at the women's empowerment group there.
Speaking of the assualt center... they have a support group for surivivors tomorrow morning starting at 10am. I am hoping to be able to go to tat. I am going to try super hard to wake up and not go to bed too late tonight. I really want to go. I need to get back into my groups and back on track.
Speakinbg of which, the crisis group at the hospital is a no go atm. Apparently some people have been coming out of it even worse off than when they started because there are far too many people, people are really nmessed up and I totally don't need that stress. So there's another support gone *sigh* So I am going to keep in touch with this friend in the know and see what she hears as to when I will go and try it. I am not doing well enough to go in there and end up a royal mess by the end of it. It needs to be supportive or I might land in the ER and that is the LAST thing I want.
So we'll see. It's probably a combo of the dark dreary days and the holiday season. So I am going to try and hold off and make do with other avenues for help.
----------------
Today overall my mood has been good. Well pretty high. Like jump up and dance for hours.... I haven't don e that. have resisted the urge because it's really hard on me becaue i'm not supposed to go non-stop. None is. So I try to hold back when I get manic like this.. well as much as anyone can. It's hard to do though. VERY hard to do.
Atleast last night I was able to sleep fairly decent last night. Yes I had nightmares, that is a daily issue, but I wasn't awake on and off last night like recently.
I hope that we can return to our bed this weekend. Hubby has been bed rolling it on the office floor beside me on the couch. He says he's ok with it but I feel bad when he has to sleep on the floor. I would sleep on the floor but I can't sleep on floors... it's never comfie enough so I toss and turn. It's beyond me how the littles and stuff sleep in the closet on on the floor of their "tents". I can sleep outside on the ground but not the floors in a house... it's odd.
-------------
Hubby went to the GMM tonight. I am not emotionally and mentaly doing well enough to deal with people being evicted. I am kinda having a hard time being compassionate because they made payment arrangements and fucked it up and the coordinator here really does bend over backwards to work with people to fix rent arrears. So when they are brought before everyone when they, if they appeal, it makes it hard to say, "oh that's ok you don't have to pay the rent like all of us do". Sorry, not going to fly! We're one of the households struggling the most and we pay our bills and still figure out how afford life, so forget that crap.
So hubby went to the meeting and gave my regrets and they followed through and both households have to move. It was done stupidly so now the co-op loses Jan rent too because we can't get it rented out *sigh* Stupid morons! That's what happens when you don't listen you just wave your hand around and vote without any thought process!
--------------
Anyhoo, other than all that not so great stuff I have been able to maybe get a ride to the baby shower of that friend. So looks like I will have a ride home and there without any cost. And I have made a start on T's present. So stuff is getting done. Steadily. And my email account is pretty much rid of all emails I don't NEED or want or will use. So that's great! :)