It's all crapped out
Yesterday and today have been hell. Emotional hell. My mood went all high Thursday night so I couldn't sleep. And then was all great and crsazy until the evening and then BAM! It bottomed right out in the evening. Then today I got up froms really horrible nightmare and was right out of it! Took a good 2-2.5 hrs to be fully awake. And then I made the mistake of getting stressed and callinbg my ODSP worker's office and she got all bitchy and NASTY at me! So my mood to a new LOW.
So last night and today been urgy nas hell. I feel that I HAVE to cut because zi KNOW it will reset everything and I will, after the guilt and shame wears off feel better. Or even when i a feeling ashamed and guilty I will still feel the fct that I am calmer and back in control.
There's that theme of control again *sigh*. So yeah.... bad news.
I came so close but I chatted to hubby on messenger a bit and then he came upstairs and then I came down here and we ended up in a even longer chat and I ended up a real mess. I have a migraine for the stress of today and how lost and trapped I feel in my life right now. When we ended up talking tonight I was trying to listen adn be there for hubby and all this shit came out and I ended up talking about me and him and this and that and crying my eyes out. I haven't cried that bad since I broke down and cut in October and ended my year plus of si free.
I talked to some other friends earlier. One a little bit and the other a lot through fb pm's. Atleast I found a way to talk to people. And then hubby and I had a good chat. He's amazing but I see the toll all this burnout is having and it's horrible. I am determined to find ways to support the caregivers and family of those with mental health and trauma issues. There has to be more for him and others than self care,. Sure that's a big part but it's not the end all and be all.
I wish some of the stuff people spewed at him we could do for him, but not at the moment for a lot of it. So I am determined to figure something out. And when i get determined about something I usually come through. So if anyone can do it, it's me. So we'll see what I can dig up and do to help hubby. I'm too stubborn to give up on this.
It'd be really nice to have friends and family close by to lean on. To do stuff with and feel supported. Everyone is basically not local and the ones who are have no idea what to do or don't have the time or tell us what we already know and are trying to do. It's shit man.. It really is. So I am going to see what I can find out. The suport we mostly have is online. Yeah, that's great for some support but a lot of things they say to do people online can't help with so we're stuck. The ones here local don't have time, have no idea what to do or can't handle the fact that we have to cancel a lot because I am not ok on the day or shit like that.
I WISH my people online and hubby's were local. It would be so much better to have people who know and get it instead of what we have. It sucks!
My family aren't involved at all trying to help us. My brothers don't even call anymore and they are across the country with their own issues. So I think we get forgotten. Then there's mom and she isn't even friggin talking to me at the moment. She's being all stupid about my mental health stuff and the fact that there's stuff she needs to take responsibility for and work to fix and she's like, "I don't see the big deal, I did the best I could and I am not apologizing for doing my best. And I don't remember any of that." Like that makes it unture or insignificant so I should just deal with it and get over it. It's bs...
So yet again on the family front it's really just Tom and I. It just hurts because to have the relationship with my mom I wanted I had to remain in denial and I can't live like that anymore. I refuse to live like that. And like I said to him tonight, i am scared that lie my mom my brother's won't handle the DID or mental health stuff well and not be a part of my life sanad I don't think I could take losing them. I have a huge family on both sides and it's down to 4 including Tom.... how friggin sad is that. Sheesh.
And the flashbacks and shit are really bad again so the nightmares are back and really terrible at the moment. So I am back to not being in bed because bed is scary and the nightmares I am having are really freaking me out. I know the system is having flashbacks too. So oversall stuff's really not good.... why can't shit just leave us the hell alone so we can make life get better, start a family and just be content and stuff. Frig!
So last night and today been urgy nas hell. I feel that I HAVE to cut because zi KNOW it will reset everything and I will, after the guilt and shame wears off feel better. Or even when i a feeling ashamed and guilty I will still feel the fct that I am calmer and back in control.
There's that theme of control again *sigh*. So yeah.... bad news.
I came so close but I chatted to hubby on messenger a bit and then he came upstairs and then I came down here and we ended up in a even longer chat and I ended up a real mess. I have a migraine for the stress of today and how lost and trapped I feel in my life right now. When we ended up talking tonight I was trying to listen adn be there for hubby and all this shit came out and I ended up talking about me and him and this and that and crying my eyes out. I haven't cried that bad since I broke down and cut in October and ended my year plus of si free.
I talked to some other friends earlier. One a little bit and the other a lot through fb pm's. Atleast I found a way to talk to people. And then hubby and I had a good chat. He's amazing but I see the toll all this burnout is having and it's horrible. I am determined to find ways to support the caregivers and family of those with mental health and trauma issues. There has to be more for him and others than self care,. Sure that's a big part but it's not the end all and be all.
I wish some of the stuff people spewed at him we could do for him, but not at the moment for a lot of it. So I am determined to figure something out. And when i get determined about something I usually come through. So if anyone can do it, it's me. So we'll see what I can dig up and do to help hubby. I'm too stubborn to give up on this.
It'd be really nice to have friends and family close by to lean on. To do stuff with and feel supported. Everyone is basically not local and the ones who are have no idea what to do or don't have the time or tell us what we already know and are trying to do. It's shit man.. It really is. So I am going to see what I can find out. The suport we mostly have is online. Yeah, that's great for some support but a lot of things they say to do people online can't help with so we're stuck. The ones here local don't have time, have no idea what to do or can't handle the fact that we have to cancel a lot because I am not ok on the day or shit like that.
I WISH my people online and hubby's were local. It would be so much better to have people who know and get it instead of what we have. It sucks!
My family aren't involved at all trying to help us. My brothers don't even call anymore and they are across the country with their own issues. So I think we get forgotten. Then there's mom and she isn't even friggin talking to me at the moment. She's being all stupid about my mental health stuff and the fact that there's stuff she needs to take responsibility for and work to fix and she's like, "I don't see the big deal, I did the best I could and I am not apologizing for doing my best. And I don't remember any of that." Like that makes it unture or insignificant so I should just deal with it and get over it. It's bs...
So yet again on the family front it's really just Tom and I. It just hurts because to have the relationship with my mom I wanted I had to remain in denial and I can't live like that anymore. I refuse to live like that. And like I said to him tonight, i am scared that lie my mom my brother's won't handle the DID or mental health stuff well and not be a part of my life sanad I don't think I could take losing them. I have a huge family on both sides and it's down to 4 including Tom.... how friggin sad is that. Sheesh.
And the flashbacks and shit are really bad again so the nightmares are back and really terrible at the moment. So I am back to not being in bed because bed is scary and the nightmares I am having are really freaking me out. I know the system is having flashbacks too. So oversall stuff's really not good.... why can't shit just leave us the hell alone so we can make life get better, start a family and just be content and stuff. Frig!