Excuse the Rambling......
I can't sleep.
Probably because after I got home yesterday I slept for 18 hours straight with only two very slight interruptions. One to use the bathroom at 2 in the morning, and one to call in sick to work today. I definitely was feeling sick, but mostly I think I needed to catch up on lost sleep. I think I am successfully fighting off this cold and I'm sure the complete lack of cigarettes and booze since the very early hours of Sunday morning has helped tremendously.
I need to do a full "Spokane Update" but I don't feel like doing that just quite yet. I need time for things to set in. For drunken memories to resurface. For me to sort everything out. Overall, I had a fantastic time and, in the words of the very funny John, created many more "partial memories" with people.
Going back to Spokane though has a strange effect on me.
It is extremely nostalgic. Mostly, all the bad memories are gone, but of course, they still linger in the dark crevices of my brain slightly tainting all of the amazing memories made there.
The feeling that is most strong is this desire to live in the past - except not quite. I want to go back to Spokane when everyone was still there and everyone was still friends and everyone was still carefree and just live. That way. Again. But at the same time, have the knowledge and understanding that things won't always be this way. That, in time, things will change, people will move on. Places and people and friendships will one day be drastically different from how I remember them. And to never take a single person or their friendship or the "partial memories" I created with them for granted.
I have to keep in mind that although people have changed, so have I.
Sometimes I feel like I've been excluded from people's lives and newly created friendships/relationships just because I haven't been kept abreast of what is happening in their everyday lives. Which I know is silly. And I know that I can ask people once I see them again "so, tell me, what is going on in your life?" but there is something about the intimacy of everyday interaction that makes the relationship feel so much more tangible. It's as if the person I talk to on the phone - even if it is quite frequently - is less alive to me if I can't see them, or touch them, or smell the exhaled smoke coming from their lungs. And I hate this fact. I hate the fact that I can't meet someone I love at any point in the day, even if it is an accidental run in on the porch or on the street at lunchtime, and simply talk to them about their day, or their life, or their other relationships. And I get jealous of the fact that I am not intimately involved in people's lives that I care for so much, that I can't be there for them when they need someone or something - even if it is just to bum a smoke. And if time and space were no object than I would most certainly be.
But I have undergone my own transformations, made my own new friendships, had my own new experiences. And I guess this is life, because without the confrontation of new people or new experiences or new places no one would ever truly grow. And I guess this is life, because without the test of time and separation how would we know who we truly love and cherish as people that we want in our lives - forever? How would we ever determine how deeply the roots of our friendship actually grew when we did in fact have that gift of spending however much time we wanted together?
Such is life.
I love you all!!!
Probably because after I got home yesterday I slept for 18 hours straight with only two very slight interruptions. One to use the bathroom at 2 in the morning, and one to call in sick to work today. I definitely was feeling sick, but mostly I think I needed to catch up on lost sleep. I think I am successfully fighting off this cold and I'm sure the complete lack of cigarettes and booze since the very early hours of Sunday morning has helped tremendously.
I need to do a full "Spokane Update" but I don't feel like doing that just quite yet. I need time for things to set in. For drunken memories to resurface. For me to sort everything out. Overall, I had a fantastic time and, in the words of the very funny John, created many more "partial memories" with people.
Going back to Spokane though has a strange effect on me.
It is extremely nostalgic. Mostly, all the bad memories are gone, but of course, they still linger in the dark crevices of my brain slightly tainting all of the amazing memories made there.
The feeling that is most strong is this desire to live in the past - except not quite. I want to go back to Spokane when everyone was still there and everyone was still friends and everyone was still carefree and just live. That way. Again. But at the same time, have the knowledge and understanding that things won't always be this way. That, in time, things will change, people will move on. Places and people and friendships will one day be drastically different from how I remember them. And to never take a single person or their friendship or the "partial memories" I created with them for granted.
I have to keep in mind that although people have changed, so have I.
Sometimes I feel like I've been excluded from people's lives and newly created friendships/relationships just because I haven't been kept abreast of what is happening in their everyday lives. Which I know is silly. And I know that I can ask people once I see them again "so, tell me, what is going on in your life?" but there is something about the intimacy of everyday interaction that makes the relationship feel so much more tangible. It's as if the person I talk to on the phone - even if it is quite frequently - is less alive to me if I can't see them, or touch them, or smell the exhaled smoke coming from their lungs. And I hate this fact. I hate the fact that I can't meet someone I love at any point in the day, even if it is an accidental run in on the porch or on the street at lunchtime, and simply talk to them about their day, or their life, or their other relationships. And I get jealous of the fact that I am not intimately involved in people's lives that I care for so much, that I can't be there for them when they need someone or something - even if it is just to bum a smoke. And if time and space were no object than I would most certainly be.
But I have undergone my own transformations, made my own new friendships, had my own new experiences. And I guess this is life, because without the confrontation of new people or new experiences or new places no one would ever truly grow. And I guess this is life, because without the test of time and separation how would we know who we truly love and cherish as people that we want in our lives - forever? How would we ever determine how deeply the roots of our friendship actually grew when we did in fact have that gift of spending however much time we wanted together?
Such is life.
I love you all!!!