Writing in a language that's not your own. Or: *screams*
You know what? GAH. I'll just take a break from trying to remember if it's "few and between" or "few inbetween" and rant for a minute, shall I?
Apologies in advance for any offence to (against?) Americans, British and Australians.
Let's put aside the fact that I don't understand your basic grammar. I don't understand the basic grammar of my own language so that's my problem to deal with. No, the reason why I will never achieve that added layer of realism that makes most stories more vivid to the reader is my utter inability of memorising figures of speech (if that's even the right term). Or even comprehending them.
Let me give you some examples:
His opportunities were few and between. Yes, I looked it up. I get the few, but between? Between what?
She's got a streak of yellow a mile wide. A streak of… what?
He felt like he'd been hit by a two-by-four. What? A two-by-four what?
I'll start on a phrase and type half of it down, and then I'll have to stop and put the same thing into "ordinary" words because I can't for the life of me remember how the second half is supposed to go. Yes, you can look that stuff up, but everyone who's ever really gotten into the flow of writing knows that these interruptions can really put a crimp into your style (or was that cramp your style? I don't know!), especially if they happen frequently. And don't even get me started on how long it took me to get what the hell a "BLT" is. Or "TLC". Or "R&R". That was before wikipedia was big enough to include entries on "pwned".
Moreover, how am I supposed to tell what's wrong and what's right?
I've got you in my sites. What, really? As in, construction site, sites? Or is it "sights" and some fan fiction writers just confuse the homonyms?
I resemble that remark! Eh? But, resemble means to be similar, right? So how does that fit with an obvious contradiction? SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!
The English language, it's fun, isn't it? Only I'm not even dealing with the English language. I'm dealing with the English languages, and it's driving me insane. I learned British English for a few years in school. That's it. No studying abroad, no growing up bilingual, no prolonged stays in English-speaking countries. Nothing. So please excuse my frustration with your utter inability to make your language in any way a coherent whole.
Or, in other words: I'm sorry, America, but your spelling looks ugly. I'm sorry, Great Britain, but your swear words (curses, what have you) sound funny. I'm sorry, Australia, but I don't even understand you. Everything's spiffy. Uh huh.*
And then there are the parts of fandom that demand there be no Briticisms if you write for American shows/books, and vice versa. If you write Discworld, it's biscuit, not cookie. If you write Stargate: Atlantis, it's stopping for gas, not petrol.
You know what? Fuck you. This is hard enough as it is, and if you think I'll have every single story vetted for that kind of stuff even though you know perfectly well what I mean, you have another think coming. With a k, not a g.
/rant
* I know what "spiffy" means. I learned it from smuffster. Every other question in this, feel free to answer.
ETA: Er, I really wasn't fishing for compliments here, just venting. But thanks, everyone. :)
Apologies in advance for any offence to (against?) Americans, British and Australians.
Let's put aside the fact that I don't understand your basic grammar. I don't understand the basic grammar of my own language so that's my problem to deal with. No, the reason why I will never achieve that added layer of realism that makes most stories more vivid to the reader is my utter inability of memorising figures of speech (if that's even the right term). Or even comprehending them.
Let me give you some examples:
His opportunities were few and between. Yes, I looked it up. I get the few, but between? Between what?
She's got a streak of yellow a mile wide. A streak of… what?
He felt like he'd been hit by a two-by-four. What? A two-by-four what?
I'll start on a phrase and type half of it down, and then I'll have to stop and put the same thing into "ordinary" words because I can't for the life of me remember how the second half is supposed to go. Yes, you can look that stuff up, but everyone who's ever really gotten into the flow of writing knows that these interruptions can really put a crimp into your style (or was that cramp your style? I don't know!), especially if they happen frequently. And don't even get me started on how long it took me to get what the hell a "BLT" is. Or "TLC". Or "R&R". That was before wikipedia was big enough to include entries on "pwned".
Moreover, how am I supposed to tell what's wrong and what's right?
I've got you in my sites. What, really? As in, construction site, sites? Or is it "sights" and some fan fiction writers just confuse the homonyms?
I resemble that remark! Eh? But, resemble means to be similar, right? So how does that fit with an obvious contradiction? SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!
The English language, it's fun, isn't it? Only I'm not even dealing with the English language. I'm dealing with the English languages, and it's driving me insane. I learned British English for a few years in school. That's it. No studying abroad, no growing up bilingual, no prolonged stays in English-speaking countries. Nothing. So please excuse my frustration with your utter inability to make your language in any way a coherent whole.
Or, in other words: I'm sorry, America, but your spelling looks ugly. I'm sorry, Great Britain, but your swear words (curses, what have you) sound funny. I'm sorry, Australia, but I don't even understand you. Everything's spiffy. Uh huh.*
And then there are the parts of fandom that demand there be no Briticisms if you write for American shows/books, and vice versa. If you write Discworld, it's biscuit, not cookie. If you write Stargate: Atlantis, it's stopping for gas, not petrol.
You know what? Fuck you. This is hard enough as it is, and if you think I'll have every single story vetted for that kind of stuff even though you know perfectly well what I mean, you have another think coming. With a k, not a g.
/rant
* I know what "spiffy" means. I learned it from smuffster. Every other question in this, feel free to answer.
ETA: Er, I really wasn't fishing for compliments here, just venting. But thanks, everyone. :)