Since no one really reads this and I just want to rant.

[lavonnerawks17]

Okay so I know, lik 8 people acually read this so I decided to post here instead of myspace, where like 10 people read it. whatever. So I really do think I'm going to fail, fail college, fail my dream, fail my life. I keep messing up. I was thinking today and wondering if somewhere, in some alternate world there is a version of me, who didn't mess up. You know, the whole theory that every time you make a choice you really make both and an alternate universe is created where the other choice occured. I wonder what that other me is like. is she happy? I really hope so, I hope one of us can be happy and since I'm not it must be her. I wonder if this other me is fat? prolly not, b/c everytime I decided to eat or i decided to not push myself in some sport, she did the opposite, she worked as hard as she could and now prolly has an amzing body. I bet she's not failing either, b/c everytime I decide I really should get some sleep after working on something for 5 or 6 hours and its 3 o'clock in the morning she deicides to push on more and work harder. Everytime I decide to go and be with my friends she decides to stay in her room and work harder and get perfect grades. Thats one thing I have up on her, I have friends, loyal friends, or do I? Friends that can't go and buy me orange juice when I'm sick and I can't drive anyway, even when I let them borrow my car? Friends who let me sit in my room all day crying my eyes out and not once wonder where I am and come look for me? Maybe I'm wrong maybe I have absolutly nothing better than this imaginary girl. I really do fail, and I really do fuck up. Maybe it was supposed to be this way, to teach me not reach to high, or dream to much, or wish for things I cant have. "Don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart." So now I am pretty much the only one of my friends that is alone, has no "significt other" It really makes me cry, often, I soo tired of being alone, so tired of having no one to hold me. And I know to some of the people that read this, I sound like the most overplayed broken record in the history of the world but I really don't care. I really don't know what I'm gonna do, I need to fix my grades or i will lose my scholarship but I don't think I have time, and I don't have a back up plan. My father is already mad enough at me, I might give him a heart attack if I do anything else stupid.

I heard some girl at my school has TB. I hope I get TB, then I might have a excuse. Now my excuse is that I'm stupid and thats a lame excuse. well, whatever. So I fail, I'll be a postal worker. Its not a doctor, but same difference right? right.