(no subject)
I wish there was someone here to smoke a bowl with me.
I'm sick of being alone at the end of the night.
I hate that I miss Brian. I hate that I have a major crush on my manager who apparently doesn't like me. The head sushi chef noted to me the other day that we would make a good couple. A lot of fuckin' good that does.
I hate that I sit on OKcupid some nights just to see who looks at my profile and to talk to other random lonely people. Not like that, I just like to talk to someone.
Blahblahblahblah.
Just came back from Illinois.
Saw a family grave stone; that was a first.
It's kind of cool to see where some of my family comes from.
My half-brother lives in this town that my great-grandma (and my grandma and my great aunt and so on) was from and was buried in. Salem, Illinois: population 7,909([in 2000] source:Wikipedia).
And apparently that half-brother of mine is going to be a dad around December 14. Which makes me an aunt..! I began to feel excited about that finally after I saw Brock this weekend. However, I hadn't seen Brock in nearly twelve years... so when I first found out a month or so ago I just kind of rolled my eyes. He has been in and out of prison nearly all that time that my brother and I hadn't seen him. He seems like he is being good. And he genuinely gave off the impression that he was totally excited about being a dad.. which really makes me happy.
Even a year ago I would have considered myself a very passionate person. Right now I don't feel that way. I feel sometimes like nothing outside my social world matters to me. I want something to matter to me. I want to be in love of course, which is something I could quite possibly become very passionate about if I weren't always so bummed about the lack thereof.
But.. I used to read and .. I don't know.. What did I used to do? I used to write on here everyday. I expect that no one but maybe AliceD reads this anymore, but I used to be very vocal. I didn't used to be so scared of everyone.
I feel like even if love did hit me in the face right now I'd not care. I'm obsessed with it and so fucking scared of it. I really liked Josiah when I dated him, and I felt like I gave all the effort I could have. Apparently it was too much for him because he never liked me as much as I liked him and I hate that I wasted that time on him. I also noticed that that relationship ending seemed to push me over an edge. I was pretty torn up about it because really nothing else was going on. I started smoking pot every day, all day. I went to work stoned. I went home stoned. I got high with people after. And after that. I don't know when I stopped smoking all day. I don't know how I have managed to spend this much money on marijuana between January and now. Imagine--I buy an eighth almost every week. I smoked the seconds before opening livejournal!
This song just came on XM XMU called "Hours Pass Like Centuries" by Taken By Trees. Never heard of them but it's pretty sweet.
Wish I had my stereo working. I would like to listen to all my music all the time. That is something I used to be passionate about!! I used to listen to a ton of music.. I used to love exchanging music with people and finding a band I really liked. I remember when I first got into The Ataris, man I loved them!
Ooh Sleater-Kinney is on now. Funny how I wore their shirt to school freshman year of high school... My brother's wardrobe was so much cooler than mine.
I don't know what to do now. I can't make up my mind about what to read or watch. I thought about sleeping but then ended up in the computer room.
ARGghHHHH
I'm sick of being alone at the end of the night.
I hate that I miss Brian. I hate that I have a major crush on my manager who apparently doesn't like me. The head sushi chef noted to me the other day that we would make a good couple. A lot of fuckin' good that does.
I hate that I sit on OKcupid some nights just to see who looks at my profile and to talk to other random lonely people. Not like that, I just like to talk to someone.
Blahblahblahblah.
Just came back from Illinois.
Saw a family grave stone; that was a first.
It's kind of cool to see where some of my family comes from.
My half-brother lives in this town that my great-grandma (and my grandma and my great aunt and so on) was from and was buried in. Salem, Illinois: population 7,909([in 2000] source:Wikipedia).
And apparently that half-brother of mine is going to be a dad around December 14. Which makes me an aunt..! I began to feel excited about that finally after I saw Brock this weekend. However, I hadn't seen Brock in nearly twelve years... so when I first found out a month or so ago I just kind of rolled my eyes. He has been in and out of prison nearly all that time that my brother and I hadn't seen him. He seems like he is being good. And he genuinely gave off the impression that he was totally excited about being a dad.. which really makes me happy.
Even a year ago I would have considered myself a very passionate person. Right now I don't feel that way. I feel sometimes like nothing outside my social world matters to me. I want something to matter to me. I want to be in love of course, which is something I could quite possibly become very passionate about if I weren't always so bummed about the lack thereof.
But.. I used to read and .. I don't know.. What did I used to do? I used to write on here everyday. I expect that no one but maybe AliceD reads this anymore, but I used to be very vocal. I didn't used to be so scared of everyone.
I feel like even if love did hit me in the face right now I'd not care. I'm obsessed with it and so fucking scared of it. I really liked Josiah when I dated him, and I felt like I gave all the effort I could have. Apparently it was too much for him because he never liked me as much as I liked him and I hate that I wasted that time on him. I also noticed that that relationship ending seemed to push me over an edge. I was pretty torn up about it because really nothing else was going on. I started smoking pot every day, all day. I went to work stoned. I went home stoned. I got high with people after. And after that. I don't know when I stopped smoking all day. I don't know how I have managed to spend this much money on marijuana between January and now. Imagine--I buy an eighth almost every week. I smoked the seconds before opening livejournal!
This song just came on XM XMU called "Hours Pass Like Centuries" by Taken By Trees. Never heard of them but it's pretty sweet.
Wish I had my stereo working. I would like to listen to all my music all the time. That is something I used to be passionate about!! I used to listen to a ton of music.. I used to love exchanging music with people and finding a band I really liked. I remember when I first got into The Ataris, man I loved them!
Ooh Sleater-Kinney is on now. Funny how I wore their shirt to school freshman year of high school... My brother's wardrobe was so much cooler than mine.
I don't know what to do now. I can't make up my mind about what to read or watch. I thought about sleeping but then ended up in the computer room.
ARGghHHHH