(no subject)

Sep 04, 2007 23:52

OK, here goes.

Back at home.
Making money, I guess.

I tried to quit the cleaners, and for some reason I am still there. Still working Shogun. I am comfortable there. I have a never ending crush on manager and it makes it so much fun. I guess I'm just kidding around, I don't know.

And Mason, my brother's dog, is here. He causes nothing but hysteria in the form of laughter and joyful tears.

Sometimes at the end of work I just start crying, and can't stop. I hate this. I've always been one of those people who has faucets for eyes and when they are opened they don't seem to stop for an hour. I don't know why??
Why am I like this sometimes?

I have everything and nothing.
I have the family the friends the jobs the oppurtunities..
And this incomprehensible fear of changing and moving on and accepting things.

Oh and don't forget my attraction to old loves, and anyone who will give me any sort of attention. Sometimes I sleep with my first love and cry the entire night following, because I hate myself for not having the self-control to say no. I don't want him to leave.. and he always does.

I spend hours daydreaming and imagining things that never were and never will be.
I spend hours thinking about some things that were, or that I thought were??

Aaaand I thought sharing was caring. Maybe not in the form of blogging.
This isn't even blogging. I hardly update enough to consider it that.

I miss writing, I miss having structure and the confidence to write my heart out.

No one I know knows how I feel about my livejournal.. sometimes I just can't explain what it makes me feel.

I need to get stuff out, and honestly I am just way too lazy to correct my handwriting and turn the page. I end up drawing and not liking the drawing and falling asleep, or something equally as unproductive.

Continued blathering.
I don't think that's a word.

I miss my psychiatrist. So much. I don't want to find a new one. I want my old one to come back from Chicago and talk to me about books and stories and the state of the world. I guess I made a friend who really was just someone I paid three-hundred dollars an hour to hang out with. But she was a good friend??

Oh and maryjane. I am going to go smoke a bowl, now..
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