you wouldn't mind.
The reasons are endless, as well as the why-not's. I'm starting with the most obvious ones. Friends - yes I have, but they are not within reach. I have always been my lonesome self, used to solving my own problems and doing my own thing. Calling or messaging them has never been a knee-jerk response. None of them had ever suspected or known that I tried to end it, at least twice. Why would they? Me, the over-achiever, the friend-to-all, the dutiful daughter. As if I could formulate of such an idea. Next, family. They are far, in all aspects. Papa would not mind; he has other kids to turn to when I'm gone. Mama wouldn't blink either - why would she when she has the world on her feet now? She always wanted to be free of us, of the burden she's had for the past twenty-plus years. Why add to her misery? My brother has a world of his own, carefully crafted with his wife, and now that he's living a full life with a rising career, I'm a crutch to his universe. I'm better off living in a junkyard. Those other siblings couldn't care less. Third, career. I do not have one. It's just work, a set of hours I spend time on, being paid for what I do - money which pays the bills, lets me buy a load of unnecessary things, a means to an end. Lastly, the way I am, the way I look. If you've been reading my previous entries (hello, btw), you would have deduced that I'm a 30plus-year-old virgin who can't drive. I would be the happiest if on my last night, I would be tied up, licked up, whispered sweet nothings and broken promises to, fucked like it's my last.
I would want it slow, not painful. I would want for it to numb my senses, trickling down like water. I would want it to be quiet, so quiet that only I could hear my heart beating, till it slows down and halts, eyes closing to what could have been. You wouldn't terribly mind, would you?