un-pretty.
I'm turning 32 in a few weeks and still, I haven't been kissed, or even shown a meager interest in. Walang interesado. No one ever showed physical interest, ever, or heck, even an emotional one. To this day, ganun pa rin 'tsura ko. I look the same as that 10 year old who gave huge smiles for photos while her eyes half-close in giddiness. The only difference, I wear glasses now; I have a protruding chest like a typical woman. I still carry that extra weight; I dress the same - like an old librarian who basically hasn't seen the light of day aside from the sliver of light amidst dusty bookshelves and the frizzy countenance of what she calls hair. I don't do diets - I eat three times a day; I eat when I'm hungry. And yet, here I am, feeling like I eat ten times more than the average person.
I read too much fan fiction, fictional pairs from certain books or shows who in my mind's eye, are together. I wouldn't even vouch for arguments - they are meant to be. I daydream a lot, far too often, of a different dimension, where I am dressed in dresses and covered in beautiful, blemish-free skin. I am given flowers, different kinds, on random days, on our anniversaries. The image clears, giving way to a new one, but still on the same side of things - I heartily laugh at the quips of my childhood friends, drinking hot tea under the covers, or at the back of coffee shops. I am back home, and I am never leaving. I am paid well, doing things I love, though blurry, I am sure I do love what I'm doing. Then he arrives at my doorstep, making small talk with my mother, waiting for me to finish deciding on what shoes to wear. He sweeps her off of her feet, like he does mine. Who wouldn't?
But it all comes to a sudden end, and I am back, facing backhanded comments, left and right. I know a hair product. Brush your hair, will you? You're getting bigger. Ba't ganyan suot mo? Maganda ka sana, pero. Magpapa-derma ka ba? Batang mag-isip. Walang alam sa love life, sa sex. Ayusin mo nga yang upo / lakad / sarili mo. It goes on, and on. It never stops, for the past twenty years, it was never on the back seat. It was front, and center. Yes, I am un-pretty. I defy what a 30 year old woman should look, live, like. I don't have immediate goals. I take it as they come. I go with the waves, rocking me back and forth, until I reach the shore. Or I don't even see one. It just goes, and goes. I have this crazy dream of being that old librarian in Oxford, or at least, earning some sort of Masters. But my feet do not leave the ground - they make little to no steps. Where am I heading? No idea, not even the slightest.
Gusto ka lang maligawan. Is it too much to ask? Do I bring out the birthday candles and make a wish? When it does come true, you'll be the first to know.