(no subject)
Okay, so on Sunday last I officially took my macbook into apple because the GD track pad on my mouse was fucked up six ways to sunday (I could do NOTHING on my computer--not watch movies, use word, go online--NOTHING). So they have had my computer since then and I just got it back tonight. It is beautifully cleaned, and applecare paid for all $173 worth of repairs (they did some cosmetic stuff, too), and I am happily back on my computer. Although, this I will say--in it's absence I finished 2.5 books in two days (three days?) and made dinner, enjoyed wine, and generally had a real life. So it's taught me a valuable lesson about how much my computer screws up my life. Even now, as I type, I am regretting that I've immediately given it time instead of finishing my awesome albeit slightly trashy book (The Discovery of Witches) and avoiding memorization and taking a shower.
I have also come to the regrettable conclusion that work is ruining my learning life. I accomplish nothing for my masters whilst working 5 nights a week at B&N. Blahh. I need to quit, but I can't really bring myself to do that, so I'll probably work my ass off between now and July and then whittle it all down to approx. 3 days a week. Maybe two.
Also? I am sick of crazy. I am sick of men who fit the following criteria:
-emotionally crippled
-need a caregiver
-want a mother figure
-want to get laid
-brilliant but so insane that it doesn't matter
-underhanded and sleezy
-ignorant and creepy
-think I'm a freak because I'm a virgin
-think they can talk me into having sex with them by explaining to me that "God wants us to use our bodies"
-co-dependent
-fucked up beyond belief and want me to "understand" that and be super sensitive
-want me to be someone I'm not
-are too young
-are too old but act 14
-are fucking idiots
I'm not sorry. I'm not apologizing. I am not going to share your burden. I am enough of a burden for myself. I will willingly be a partner, a shoulder to cry on, a friend, a caregiver, and a strong confidant. But I will not take care of you, be your crutch, treat you delicately ALL THE TIME, be your mother, or listen to your sob story of excuses for why you aren't who you think you deserve to be. That's what your journal and your psychiatrist are for. And I know I sound like a bitch, I sound calloused, I sound cruel. But you know what? I have spent most of my (almost) 28 years making sure that EVERYONE ELSE has a voice, gets taken care of, and gets heard. I can't do it anymore. I am a mess and too much to juggle on my own. I have neglected myself and my own well-being in favour of others' for too long. I need to find a gentleman who can fend for himself, take care of himself, and be his own person without me completing him. Because I need to learn to do the same. I cannot expect someone else to do those things. My mother taught me that a long time ago and is still teaching me that. Right now? Right now there is a note from my mom hanging on my bathroom mirror. It says:
Life lesson four--
Assume you can do anything until someone tells you no. Then, figure out a way around them. Good luck.
Love,
Mom. =)
I am tired of apologising, making exceptions for bad behaviour, making excuses for passive aggressiveness and fucked-up-ness. I won't do it anymore.
And maybe this means I'll be alone forever. Maybe this means I have to trek onwards by myself and just learn to be okay with being independent, strong, and utterly lonely. But at least I won't be making constant compromises and exceptions because I'm afraid of being stuck this way forever.
Gotta get through this week. Gotta get through Moment Work. I now know more about JonBenet Ramsey and her murder than I ever did. More explanation later.
postscript: the above rant about men...I'd like to add a caveat: I know that some people are emotionally crippled or hurt/sick/broken in a way that is in no way their fault. What I mean is that, listen: you can suffer from a mental disorder, a disease, a physical ailment and still be a strong, beautiful, independent person who knows how to exist and fight on their own and doesn't need another person to make them whole. I applaud and love those people. But I can no longer abide men who are waiting for women to "complete" them in some way, to save them, to rescue them from obscurity and failure and find them in the darkness. Find yourself. Then I'll see you.
I have also come to the regrettable conclusion that work is ruining my learning life. I accomplish nothing for my masters whilst working 5 nights a week at B&N. Blahh. I need to quit, but I can't really bring myself to do that, so I'll probably work my ass off between now and July and then whittle it all down to approx. 3 days a week. Maybe two.
Also? I am sick of crazy. I am sick of men who fit the following criteria:
-emotionally crippled
-need a caregiver
-want a mother figure
-want to get laid
-brilliant but so insane that it doesn't matter
-underhanded and sleezy
-ignorant and creepy
-think I'm a freak because I'm a virgin
-think they can talk me into having sex with them by explaining to me that "God wants us to use our bodies"
-co-dependent
-fucked up beyond belief and want me to "understand" that and be super sensitive
-want me to be someone I'm not
-are too young
-are too old but act 14
-are fucking idiots
I'm not sorry. I'm not apologizing. I am not going to share your burden. I am enough of a burden for myself. I will willingly be a partner, a shoulder to cry on, a friend, a caregiver, and a strong confidant. But I will not take care of you, be your crutch, treat you delicately ALL THE TIME, be your mother, or listen to your sob story of excuses for why you aren't who you think you deserve to be. That's what your journal and your psychiatrist are for. And I know I sound like a bitch, I sound calloused, I sound cruel. But you know what? I have spent most of my (almost) 28 years making sure that EVERYONE ELSE has a voice, gets taken care of, and gets heard. I can't do it anymore. I am a mess and too much to juggle on my own. I have neglected myself and my own well-being in favour of others' for too long. I need to find a gentleman who can fend for himself, take care of himself, and be his own person without me completing him. Because I need to learn to do the same. I cannot expect someone else to do those things. My mother taught me that a long time ago and is still teaching me that. Right now? Right now there is a note from my mom hanging on my bathroom mirror. It says:
Life lesson four--
Assume you can do anything until someone tells you no. Then, figure out a way around them. Good luck.
Love,
Mom. =)
I am tired of apologising, making exceptions for bad behaviour, making excuses for passive aggressiveness and fucked-up-ness. I won't do it anymore.
And maybe this means I'll be alone forever. Maybe this means I have to trek onwards by myself and just learn to be okay with being independent, strong, and utterly lonely. But at least I won't be making constant compromises and exceptions because I'm afraid of being stuck this way forever.
Gotta get through this week. Gotta get through Moment Work. I now know more about JonBenet Ramsey and her murder than I ever did. More explanation later.
postscript: the above rant about men...I'd like to add a caveat: I know that some people are emotionally crippled or hurt/sick/broken in a way that is in no way their fault. What I mean is that, listen: you can suffer from a mental disorder, a disease, a physical ailment and still be a strong, beautiful, independent person who knows how to exist and fight on their own and doesn't need another person to make them whole. I applaud and love those people. But I can no longer abide men who are waiting for women to "complete" them in some way, to save them, to rescue them from obscurity and failure and find them in the darkness. Find yourself. Then I'll see you.