yearning
I am worried that I will never again have a community of artists to work in. I know this is a ridiculous, unfounded fear, but it still gnaws at me. I'm constantly jealous of my friends in Indianapolis, whose artistic success seemed to take off after I left, whose community I feel like I'm not allowed to be a part of, in some ridiculous third-grade fashion...a community I feel like so many are welcomed back into with open arms, but I feel like somehow I did something in my leaving which prohibits me. I don't know. Maybe this is all in my head. But it's a lonely feeling, like when you don't want to let a friendship go, and you cling to it strongly even though that's the wrong thing to do. I hate final endings. Sometimes I wonder if I need to just let go, to accept that some friendships are over, that I need to stop clinging desperately and strangle the hope that the folks on the other end want to stay as close to me as I want to stay with them.
Childish, silly, stupid thoughts.
I miss Italy today. I miss the ease of finding language to survive, the ease of just knowing how to travel all around Europe and England, the freedom of little to no responsibility. Do not misunderstand--while I miss Dory and working with Kevin Crawford, I do not miss the Accademia. For all of Naropa's faults, leaving the ADA was the right decision. Was I given more advantages with foreign travel working there? Of course. But that doesn't mean it was the right place for me to be.
I'm thinking of getting certified in Roy Hart, but it can take years and years and years, and I find that terribly frustrating. Recently we were told that you need 300 class hours (one on one with a Roy Hart teacher) before you can even begin your training at the chateau in France. I find this incredibly frustrating, especially because, between Kevin Crawford and Ethie Friend (the latter here at Naropa) and the intensive we just did with Carol and Saule, I've banked at least 100-200 hours, just not in private lessons. I'm going to talk with Ethie about seeing if there can be some overlap there.
I would also still like to do some work at the LeCoq school in London. Yes, I'd prefer the one in Paris, but my french has always been bad and the Parisians, frankly, piss me off with how bitchy they are about their language. I fear that it would inhibit me from learning. I also need to get stronger and lose some serious weight before that latter is even an option, as they work purely in circus and intense physical theatre.
So the hope is to maybe start attending this acro-yoga class I found here in town (quite near my apt, actually!), and possibly start taking some classes at the circus center. I really, really, REALLY want to work on the Walking/Balancing Ladder and I'd like to get strong enough to start doing some Lira. This is something I really want to conquer.
Body Frustrations: yes, of course, my body bothers me as usual. But now it's more that it bugs me because I can't get a handle on it. Out here in CO I always feel bloated. I cannot get a handle on the water situation (I have to drink over 100 oz a day just to stay barely hydrated, and typically have to drink at least three emergen-C's), I cannot manage to eat enough so my metabolism is slowed to almost a halt, and I of course do not sleep enough. I have no time for exercise, which is really, really frustrating. I need to figure out how to force myself to go to bed earlier so I can make myself get up earlier and either do some studio time or start learning how to run or something. Mostly it's just frustrating. I could handle my body and how it works in KY, IN, and Italy. But here in Colorado it's like having been given a whole new set of rules which are being deliberately withheld from me. Now, of course, part of the problem has to be that I am the world's busiest person, because days when I have less to do I feel a little more on top of things and like I can handle my body issues (unless I make the heinous mistake of trying on clothes, of course).
I'm worried that I need to quit my job. If I do that, I will have no income coming in, which I really can't afford to do. I took out only the minimal amount of loans possible, because I'm terrified of being in any serious debt, so my groceries and other living expenses (outside of rent) get paid for with my paycheck from Barnes and Noble. Blaaaaaaaaah.
Oh well. Some of these are complaints, some are goals. Generally, today feels like a good day, and I'm hoping to eventually have some brunch and then mail some well-overdue mail (gairid, for example, a letter I owe to my friend Lisa, a couple of bills, and some things to my mom). Maybe finally get to Home Depot and get some dow rods so I can put them in my sliding doors (my only windows) so I can leave the windows open at night without freaking out that I'm going to get attacked.
Also hoping to clean the apt. This last one may or may not happen. =D
Childish, silly, stupid thoughts.
I miss Italy today. I miss the ease of finding language to survive, the ease of just knowing how to travel all around Europe and England, the freedom of little to no responsibility. Do not misunderstand--while I miss Dory and working with Kevin Crawford, I do not miss the Accademia. For all of Naropa's faults, leaving the ADA was the right decision. Was I given more advantages with foreign travel working there? Of course. But that doesn't mean it was the right place for me to be.
I'm thinking of getting certified in Roy Hart, but it can take years and years and years, and I find that terribly frustrating. Recently we were told that you need 300 class hours (one on one with a Roy Hart teacher) before you can even begin your training at the chateau in France. I find this incredibly frustrating, especially because, between Kevin Crawford and Ethie Friend (the latter here at Naropa) and the intensive we just did with Carol and Saule, I've banked at least 100-200 hours, just not in private lessons. I'm going to talk with Ethie about seeing if there can be some overlap there.
I would also still like to do some work at the LeCoq school in London. Yes, I'd prefer the one in Paris, but my french has always been bad and the Parisians, frankly, piss me off with how bitchy they are about their language. I fear that it would inhibit me from learning. I also need to get stronger and lose some serious weight before that latter is even an option, as they work purely in circus and intense physical theatre.
So the hope is to maybe start attending this acro-yoga class I found here in town (quite near my apt, actually!), and possibly start taking some classes at the circus center. I really, really, REALLY want to work on the Walking/Balancing Ladder and I'd like to get strong enough to start doing some Lira. This is something I really want to conquer.
Body Frustrations: yes, of course, my body bothers me as usual. But now it's more that it bugs me because I can't get a handle on it. Out here in CO I always feel bloated. I cannot get a handle on the water situation (I have to drink over 100 oz a day just to stay barely hydrated, and typically have to drink at least three emergen-C's), I cannot manage to eat enough so my metabolism is slowed to almost a halt, and I of course do not sleep enough. I have no time for exercise, which is really, really frustrating. I need to figure out how to force myself to go to bed earlier so I can make myself get up earlier and either do some studio time or start learning how to run or something. Mostly it's just frustrating. I could handle my body and how it works in KY, IN, and Italy. But here in Colorado it's like having been given a whole new set of rules which are being deliberately withheld from me. Now, of course, part of the problem has to be that I am the world's busiest person, because days when I have less to do I feel a little more on top of things and like I can handle my body issues (unless I make the heinous mistake of trying on clothes, of course).
I'm worried that I need to quit my job. If I do that, I will have no income coming in, which I really can't afford to do. I took out only the minimal amount of loans possible, because I'm terrified of being in any serious debt, so my groceries and other living expenses (outside of rent) get paid for with my paycheck from Barnes and Noble. Blaaaaaaaaah.
Oh well. Some of these are complaints, some are goals. Generally, today feels like a good day, and I'm hoping to eventually have some brunch and then mail some well-overdue mail (gairid, for example, a letter I owe to my friend Lisa, a couple of bills, and some things to my mom). Maybe finally get to Home Depot and get some dow rods so I can put them in my sliding doors (my only windows) so I can leave the windows open at night without freaking out that I'm going to get attacked.
Also hoping to clean the apt. This last one may or may not happen. =D