XLII
XLIII
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
~~~~~
I haven't had any poetry in me since coming here. Odd, that. The VC fic pours out me (albeit not recently) like freaking water again, but the poetry jug is dry and empty.
My writing is so infuriating. It starts, it stops. It's one form or it's another. It sticks out its tongue at me in defiance and runs away, laughing wickedly. I need a wall here I can paint the poetry on, where I can write freely after a bottle of wine and re-capture some of my wild nature.
I think the wild part of me has been coming out more and more in the past five years. I've always been a Weetzie Bat archetype, but lately I can see my inner Witch Baby showing her spiky head, frowning and rolling in the mud and slapping on roller skates and searching for a jah-love angel who doesn't exist. Anxiety is a new thing for me. Wild, uncontrollable emotion is a new thing for me. Lack of control. These are things that used to only voice themselves here, where I can allow myself some angst and selfishness and fear--but now they are appearing in class and out of it, highly volatile and uncontrollable, and I don't know what's causing it.
Also: thinking of going friends-only. Not a big deal, it just is what it is.
Amanda Palmer song stuck in my head right now:
In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm a hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hungover
Because I
Will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how
To see
That I'm not exactly the person that I thought I'd be.
And in my mind
In the far-away here-and-now
I've become in-control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I
Will be the picture of discipline
Never fucking-up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how
To see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be.
And in my mind
When I'm old I am beautiful,
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me now
I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
That that's not what I want
But that's what I wanted
That I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don't want to be the person that I want to be.
And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground
I'll start pounding the lid,
Saying, "I haven't finished yet,
I still have a tattoo to get,
It says, 'I'm living in the moment'".
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could win this win-less fight
Maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I want to live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually
See
That I am exactly the person that I want to be.
Fuck yes.
I am exactly the person that I want to be.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
~~~~~
I haven't had any poetry in me since coming here. Odd, that. The VC fic pours out me (albeit not recently) like freaking water again, but the poetry jug is dry and empty.
My writing is so infuriating. It starts, it stops. It's one form or it's another. It sticks out its tongue at me in defiance and runs away, laughing wickedly. I need a wall here I can paint the poetry on, where I can write freely after a bottle of wine and re-capture some of my wild nature.
I think the wild part of me has been coming out more and more in the past five years. I've always been a Weetzie Bat archetype, but lately I can see my inner Witch Baby showing her spiky head, frowning and rolling in the mud and slapping on roller skates and searching for a jah-love angel who doesn't exist. Anxiety is a new thing for me. Wild, uncontrollable emotion is a new thing for me. Lack of control. These are things that used to only voice themselves here, where I can allow myself some angst and selfishness and fear--but now they are appearing in class and out of it, highly volatile and uncontrollable, and I don't know what's causing it.
Also: thinking of going friends-only. Not a big deal, it just is what it is.
Amanda Palmer song stuck in my head right now:
In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm a hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hungover
Because I
Will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how
To see
That I'm not exactly the person that I thought I'd be.
And in my mind
In the far-away here-and-now
I've become in-control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I
Will be the picture of discipline
Never fucking-up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how
To see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be.
And in my mind
When I'm old I am beautiful,
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me now
I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
That that's not what I want
But that's what I wanted
That I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don't want to be the person that I want to be.
And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground
I'll start pounding the lid,
Saying, "I haven't finished yet,
I still have a tattoo to get,
It says, 'I'm living in the moment'".
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could win this win-less fight
Maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I want to live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually
See
That I am exactly the person that I want to be.
Fuck yes.
I am exactly the person that I want to be.