A New Start
Note: all replies to this post will have to approved before they are made public. So if you say something, don’t be surprised if it isn’t shown immediately, but don’t let dissuade you from doing so…Also keep watch and check out my lit LJ, scorpios_muse, I plan on posting another poem soon, maybe today even…
So, originally, I was just going to make a brief post about how this day was supposed to be so special, but now bears no meaning over any other day of the year now. Yes, today would have been 3 years. That was going to be the basis behind this post, until a song came on through random selection on my jukebox. I couldn’t listen through it all, just like I couldn’t listen to it the last time it randomly came on, the only other time it ever randomly came on, which was the morning of the breakup. The song is Lonestar’s “Smile.”
Its amazing how a songs, a seeminglyless ordinary song, consisting of 1 of 4 basic rhythms and made of usually generic lyrics and simple notes, can carry so much weight and bring back such a flood of emotion. When I heard that song on the morning of the 30th of March, I couldn’t even get past the first chorus. That’s how much the song struck a chord, and I knew that would be the last day for “us.” To this day, I can’t listen to Canon in D w/o reliving your graduation. Seeing you walk down so gracefully in that white dress, so beautiful and elegant. What a wonderful day that was. I hear any song by Tatu and I recall you singing profusely on the way to the beach. I hear Rooney and just see you bouncing up and down in the seat next to me. Wonderwall by Oasis was one of our songs, and I can’t even listen to that song anymore. When I do I think of how you sang it to me in the car, and how it came on so perfectly that one night with you in my arms.
It’s interesting, looking back on that last day. The whole day at work, I had a sinking feeling. I bought that OC cd, thinking that could appease you in some fashion, and the moment you picked up the phone I knew it was over. I don’t even know if you got that cd, I just kinda threw it in your mailbox that night. I didn’t put up much of a fight; I knew it was futile to do so. For about a week or two I knew you were going to leave me for him.
I suppose I hope you are happy. Though its disconcerting that things didn’t go the way we planned, and that I’m not the one there with you, but things never workout as they are planned for. I hope he respects you for who you are and what you represent and doesn’t try to change you. You were such a free spirit and that intimidates so many guys. Because of it, they’ll try to tame you, instead of embracing and respecting your independence, as they should and the way I tried to do. You were also so very liberal, very open minded, very stubborn, and very very opinionated, and I can’t imagine that meshes well with an uber catholic conservative, but that’s no longer my concern. You made your choice and you can deal with whatever the outcome is, “for better or for worse,” if you will.
I’ve tried for a long time to understand why it played out as it did. For a long time now you had talked of how you wanted to change, and I guess that’s because everyone else was changing, where as you were still roughly in the same spot. I just don’t think you’d realized what a good spot you were in, and what a good thing you had to begin with. I guarantee that just about all of your friends would have gladly switched places with you to be where you were. You always seemed to love the “fairytale romance,” so maybe that was it. You loved the way we met, but perhaps the whole idea of a guy moving across the country to be with someone he loved just blew you away, and you fell in love with the idea of him and what he represented. Who knows, except for you, and some things are best left unknown, and that’s how things will stay to me.
I guess, when you break it down, there are a lot of parallels to what happened between Sarah and I, and you and Colin. I was infatuated with her, and I admitted that to you. It hurt me so much to be that honest, but I had to be. You were just as infatuated with him, and I could see that, but you tried to hide it under a veil of “platonicacy,” if such a word exists. What it boils down to is a test of love, if you will. I passed. I barely passed and I tried to make up for whatever hurt I caused you every single day that passed afterwards. You failed, and it’s so ironic, because you were always the one who said you loved me more. And you know what? You were right. You were always right on that.
Towards the end, I finally started to bring down the last of my walls, and for the first time ever, I think our love was finally on the same page, and that climaxed around v-day. Mid-march came, and a funny thing happened: for the first time ever, I got the distinct feeling that I loved you more than you loved me. I started to feel that you no longer “needed” me, and that slowly, or I guess quickly, in retrospect, you no longer “wanted” me either.
I think back and it’s kinda of a strange sensation. Had so many things not happened, we’d be in Victoria, BC, right now. I really didn’t get to plan too much of the trip out back then, but I had special plans in store on this day. I hadn’t decided definitively, but we would have taken it easy to start out with and gone to a quaint area with shops and just done that for a while, then go and relax, maybe in a pool or something. At night though, we would have gone to one of the best restaurants in Victoria, and afterwards we would have taken a carriage ride around the older, more Victorian parts of the city. During of which, I was more than likely going to propose. What a beautiful day it would have been. Honestly, I was thinking about it on V-day, but it was so cold and windy that it would have detracted from the moment. Plus the heart balloons wouldn’t have made it out alive had we not run that night. I also had to much respect for your father to go behind his back anyway, but the perfection and pinnacle of romance that this day would have represented would have been too good to pass up I think.
I’ve done a lot of thinking lately, and a lot of reflecting. I have dated a few people, and nothing really happened. But I think I was the problem. I don’t think I was ready, I think I was still holding out and holding onto you, awaiting your return, cause that’s what soul mates do, right? But that never happened. And maybe I would have taken you back, and maybe I wouldn’t have, I still don’t know. What I do know is that the door is still open to some degree, but that it’s also time to let go and move on. I have met one or two truly incredible persons, and it’s not fair. It’s not fair to them, and it certainly isn’t fair to me. I may not find the same thing we had, but I could find something better, and I will never be able to until I let go.
We had a good run though, didn’t we? For 32 months it was complete and utterly unbelievable joy and bliss. Well, ok, 31 month and about 2 weeks was that, anyways. But it’s done with now I guess. Not only did you choose someone else over me, but you are engaged to him as well. So that’s it then. You completed the equation and I wasn’t the final answer you came to the conclusion of, it would seem.
So I guess today calls for a celebration, never the less. Just not the one I had anticipated. Today I will celebrate a new start I suppose.
So cheers, it would seem, to new beginnings and to letting go of loose ends.
So, originally, I was just going to make a brief post about how this day was supposed to be so special, but now bears no meaning over any other day of the year now. Yes, today would have been 3 years. That was going to be the basis behind this post, until a song came on through random selection on my jukebox. I couldn’t listen through it all, just like I couldn’t listen to it the last time it randomly came on, the only other time it ever randomly came on, which was the morning of the breakup. The song is Lonestar’s “Smile.”
Its amazing how a songs, a seeminglyless ordinary song, consisting of 1 of 4 basic rhythms and made of usually generic lyrics and simple notes, can carry so much weight and bring back such a flood of emotion. When I heard that song on the morning of the 30th of March, I couldn’t even get past the first chorus. That’s how much the song struck a chord, and I knew that would be the last day for “us.” To this day, I can’t listen to Canon in D w/o reliving your graduation. Seeing you walk down so gracefully in that white dress, so beautiful and elegant. What a wonderful day that was. I hear any song by Tatu and I recall you singing profusely on the way to the beach. I hear Rooney and just see you bouncing up and down in the seat next to me. Wonderwall by Oasis was one of our songs, and I can’t even listen to that song anymore. When I do I think of how you sang it to me in the car, and how it came on so perfectly that one night with you in my arms.
It’s interesting, looking back on that last day. The whole day at work, I had a sinking feeling. I bought that OC cd, thinking that could appease you in some fashion, and the moment you picked up the phone I knew it was over. I don’t even know if you got that cd, I just kinda threw it in your mailbox that night. I didn’t put up much of a fight; I knew it was futile to do so. For about a week or two I knew you were going to leave me for him.
I suppose I hope you are happy. Though its disconcerting that things didn’t go the way we planned, and that I’m not the one there with you, but things never workout as they are planned for. I hope he respects you for who you are and what you represent and doesn’t try to change you. You were such a free spirit and that intimidates so many guys. Because of it, they’ll try to tame you, instead of embracing and respecting your independence, as they should and the way I tried to do. You were also so very liberal, very open minded, very stubborn, and very very opinionated, and I can’t imagine that meshes well with an uber catholic conservative, but that’s no longer my concern. You made your choice and you can deal with whatever the outcome is, “for better or for worse,” if you will.
I’ve tried for a long time to understand why it played out as it did. For a long time now you had talked of how you wanted to change, and I guess that’s because everyone else was changing, where as you were still roughly in the same spot. I just don’t think you’d realized what a good spot you were in, and what a good thing you had to begin with. I guarantee that just about all of your friends would have gladly switched places with you to be where you were. You always seemed to love the “fairytale romance,” so maybe that was it. You loved the way we met, but perhaps the whole idea of a guy moving across the country to be with someone he loved just blew you away, and you fell in love with the idea of him and what he represented. Who knows, except for you, and some things are best left unknown, and that’s how things will stay to me.
I guess, when you break it down, there are a lot of parallels to what happened between Sarah and I, and you and Colin. I was infatuated with her, and I admitted that to you. It hurt me so much to be that honest, but I had to be. You were just as infatuated with him, and I could see that, but you tried to hide it under a veil of “platonicacy,” if such a word exists. What it boils down to is a test of love, if you will. I passed. I barely passed and I tried to make up for whatever hurt I caused you every single day that passed afterwards. You failed, and it’s so ironic, because you were always the one who said you loved me more. And you know what? You were right. You were always right on that.
Towards the end, I finally started to bring down the last of my walls, and for the first time ever, I think our love was finally on the same page, and that climaxed around v-day. Mid-march came, and a funny thing happened: for the first time ever, I got the distinct feeling that I loved you more than you loved me. I started to feel that you no longer “needed” me, and that slowly, or I guess quickly, in retrospect, you no longer “wanted” me either.
I think back and it’s kinda of a strange sensation. Had so many things not happened, we’d be in Victoria, BC, right now. I really didn’t get to plan too much of the trip out back then, but I had special plans in store on this day. I hadn’t decided definitively, but we would have taken it easy to start out with and gone to a quaint area with shops and just done that for a while, then go and relax, maybe in a pool or something. At night though, we would have gone to one of the best restaurants in Victoria, and afterwards we would have taken a carriage ride around the older, more Victorian parts of the city. During of which, I was more than likely going to propose. What a beautiful day it would have been. Honestly, I was thinking about it on V-day, but it was so cold and windy that it would have detracted from the moment. Plus the heart balloons wouldn’t have made it out alive had we not run that night. I also had to much respect for your father to go behind his back anyway, but the perfection and pinnacle of romance that this day would have represented would have been too good to pass up I think.
I’ve done a lot of thinking lately, and a lot of reflecting. I have dated a few people, and nothing really happened. But I think I was the problem. I don’t think I was ready, I think I was still holding out and holding onto you, awaiting your return, cause that’s what soul mates do, right? But that never happened. And maybe I would have taken you back, and maybe I wouldn’t have, I still don’t know. What I do know is that the door is still open to some degree, but that it’s also time to let go and move on. I have met one or two truly incredible persons, and it’s not fair. It’s not fair to them, and it certainly isn’t fair to me. I may not find the same thing we had, but I could find something better, and I will never be able to until I let go.
We had a good run though, didn’t we? For 32 months it was complete and utterly unbelievable joy and bliss. Well, ok, 31 month and about 2 weeks was that, anyways. But it’s done with now I guess. Not only did you choose someone else over me, but you are engaged to him as well. So that’s it then. You completed the equation and I wasn’t the final answer you came to the conclusion of, it would seem.
So I guess today calls for a celebration, never the less. Just not the one I had anticipated. Today I will celebrate a new start I suppose.
So cheers, it would seem, to new beginnings and to letting go of loose ends.