i know how to spell but shit i know what i mean......
My God.
I love eddie more than anything.
he's there.
i don't care what anyone says. he's one of the kindest people i know. not selfish not anything. just difficult. and difficult i fine.
When once in a while. You're eachothers and nothing else matters b ecause nothinge else knows what you're going through. they don't. live and let die. who did we harm tonight? no One. Peace with myself and other peopl.e Abraham of all people. im just like eddies girl friend dude but to me dude that guy's the shit. one of those good people you know are good from experience only. and when they talk shit you have so much badass shit to say about them. Abraham be you dude. don't listen anyonel. just make sure you know what you want dude and don't let shit like this re arrange that plan dude. VIP for life remember dude. you and eddie and nikki dude. even if we don't fucking see eachother for like 5 years dude. i'll know where to find you guys. VIP in the club. Me and Nat are gonna be the party people dude. Ima have my own police dude. they'd be vip too dude. everyonehappy. not bad cops. they just know whats up. becaue i'll most likely have smoked iwht them once in their life dude "back in high shcool" the best dude. we can send our fucking badass kids to fucking summer camp dude while we fucking party. Adulthood man. closer to death but that's the price you pay for being the center of your own universe. and theres nothing wrong with that. Ham prolly just fucking saw me last years as jc fucking girlfriend. never talked to him. didn't smoke. weird to be around" i don't know what he thinks now. i don't even know if he'll remember iw as even there dude he could have hated me dude and i'd be like "whatever i think he's bad ass. he's himself dude. im not fucking money dude, im not forced to like anyone. but i dunno dude.i'm finally starting the good people i thought ran away. live man live.call me gay fro a lj dude but i hate writing. typing flows so incredibly hard. and having it to read later. you learn from yourself. just don't forget. don'tforget your fuckups and mistakes dude. acceptthem.i've fucked up. eddie makes fun of me for once having an internet boyfriend. fuck dude i was a kid. dumb. curious. bored. i don't regret it dude. you had a friend dude who is just fuckingmiles away. whoever he is dude he's just as bored. a fuckin baby...and eddie i don't regret any of it dude. laugh at me for it haha i would too.my computer is playing random songs i dont' want to hear. hey guys when i get mmy lap tod lets fucking get badass speakers for it like eddie sad and we'll fillthe shit out of it with music and just jam out. be online in the car dude. that'd be badass.i want MY music. not shit someone else has.i wish there was bands i didn't recognize.
i dont know... eveyone knows what everyones talkign abotu when it comes to music and like new stuff randomly gets introduced. but i mean lets challenge what we got dude. greatest hits cd's dude are "greatest Hits" becaue they came out on the radio. mainstream. that doesn to me my friend count at a "greatest hit" i don't want to hear come together or strawsberry fields orthat shit everyone knows becaue youd be dumb not to but like make YOUR own GREATEST HITS. for every band. because no one else knows that you don't like staccatto or too much grawr grawr graw. fuck yellow submarine dude i want maxwell silver hammer dude. i wanna hear about joan and her fucking test tube. iw anna hear about the fucked up maxwell dude killing spree mother fucking. and all sounding like cuteness dude. my kid's are gonan be great. my little asian punk ass cousin. annoying abnnoxious anf fucking mean to me he's one of my kids dude. he's the asian. he doesnt even know spanish but he want to try dude. and he's a sweetheart onthe inside. its not his fault. peanut, andy, candy, fat boy, punk as jurk, homie, dude fuckign andres dude. giving little boy. just undertand him. he's trying. i wanna keep him close dude. i don't want him falling. i want all my kids my cousins dude anyone who needs anyting dude tell me. i will listen and if you're reading this you know you will. 4 in the morning i wont care. i can try god damn i can try. just keep true and don't give in to shit that's not woth it. that waht i really want to teach. too young for the truth. to old for regrets. try your best. just don't let them fall dude because like it or not. those messed up little kids that areall psycho. those are the fears of the future dude.who cares if they believe they're wronging or not. makesure you tried. because then not matter what they nkow you were there in their fucking most retarted moments or "god damn you'rea fucing dumbass dude go home"but you fuckin kept them from dusturbance dude.keep the peace with im and himself/ herself/ themselves. no matter hwo you see it. knowing people is nothing to getthign to know people. ims orry for every citisizing something good. or unintentional or accidental. i'll laugh about stuff but i feel horriblefor laughing at people just trying. partyfouls, you tell semeone they're fucking retarded. Party fowls today, you'll tells omeone not to worry asbotu it becaue you don't need it. theres not such thing as tilting dude. i understand little monsters dude. down here thers' no such thing as tilting. riots rock because people cand o so muhc dude destrpwu a city to make a party and then all together fix it up reall nice. as a fucking city. know people. get toknow them. I just got bitched at by emis mom. 2ce the first time she was mad bceause i asked for emi and it was 1 in the morning. then i had to call back and say taht my mom's never mean to emi when he calls me at 2 or 3 she just understands. iim not beign mean but i just wantedto talk to him i didn't mean to wake you up but dont' be disrespectfull then she wanted my name for i dont knwo what i thing she thought i was threatnign but i just wanted her to know that im a kid taht wanted to talk to her kid just like he talk to me. cuz im her sons friend. be cool. you dn't know me andi don't either lets make peace no need for getting mad. a no's ok no's happen. whatevers stupid shit you knwo ive done. whoever you are. im sur youve seen or heard dude remember dude. make fun of me for it. i wont' regret a second out there. to thimnk that theres' people that are so hateful when all they ahve to to is say soemthing about it. every one has a good side asd vise versa. yin yangs are badass. the world in asircle. i want my future alerady. i want my future. i dont' want todepend on ANYONE. i want my own everything. that i run and demand from and control. my own shit. a house. for me and nat. bring everyone over to san antonio and chill. go to me and nat's graduation like she went to her sisters which was badass. cuz i love her family. anyway yeah all my friends are gonan be at my graduation part for college when im somethign badass. and that ngiht bigass party.and like if youd dont want someone there don't let them in until they prove that they're cool and they're just as much of a party dude and everyone just wants to party. dude honestly by them my mom will knwo i smoke. she'll know. becasue im gonna prove to her that its okay because im getting her that house. paying her back for all the shit. my mom's the shit. when she's old she's still gonna be the shit. she'll understand me because she knows how i feel about so much shit like ding stuff people say to do it. she loves to see when i go agaisnt what people think. she loves watching meconfront i deas i don't like. i once confronted this guy that was preachign about other religeons and how they were bad in some way and like right right when he was done dude i wen tup to him and iw as like" the topics are cool. very contriversial but animists aren't fucking crazy people that worsip rocks dude. they believe things are ther efor a reason and just like you man *he was young* and my mom was there and she fucing knew he could pull out his bible and not fucking prove me wrong. she love watching that. she loves knowing her daughter has an opinion. call it what you maybut my opinion is based on wha im looking at happen. what i don't see happenign that should happen for all thsoe poeple that cant live ad ay or serenity. i watch the knews and realize mroe and more why the u.s sucks ins o many ways. i mean yeah dude all those dems and reps are peolple tat make mistakes and they're up there and theyh're not perfect dude but daaaamn some of them fuck up. like they take thier "power" and think they're above shit; but theres always someone there watching that you didnt know was watching. and dude you're gona get fucked. but i mean if was that delay guy dude i would have confeessed so logn ago. been like'yeah...im sorry..fire me butlike just dont get pissed i sadi i was sorry" but people gott plead non guilty dude. shust admitt dude.its alot easier to know who your friends are when you say things that no one sele knows your feel or think. i'll admitt to you guys. sometimeds i get broed with you guys. cul like sometimes we don't do anyting. but ya dude who cares. everyoneg gets bored dude. and about the shit you get for smoking ude. forget it. you proabablyknow this but as logn as oyou knkow whata your're doing and you can consiencel y say "fuck you world" you're okay. if no one ever saw me again like i dont know someone put all my shit up an a room dude. my lamb of god autograpsh , hang em dude, all my posters. even the gay ones that i maede myslef dude keep it somewhere. i was the furure to knwo the past and know its okay. to plabber on. and show them a fucing picuter dude of me going on to eddie while he was takigna nap. i don't give nikki enough credit. she'd cool and pretty youg. its hard to believe im liik 2 years older than her. when iw was her age i was in my back yard having a party.one guy broughtdrinks but very little. people were goign in trhough mwindow at night to use my room. so many poeple hooked up. therew jaime in a huge ice chest. so manyh people idnt evne talk tonow were th ere. cesar, jessica, jseesica, america, john, abraham g, ki ddanced with people becaue no fuckign reason. dude i danced withJ. FUCKINGJ when everyone reaizes they're equally doingsomething, you dont mind AT ALL sounding stupid. becaue if it makes sence or not , getting it out is the only way to know. don't let ideas go ever cuz they don't come back. keep em even if they're distand always remember old goals. hang your flags dude get your victory. you not just a fuckingloser. make the soundtrack of your life dude.make the soundtrack of your life. it doesnt take much. just write a song oncein a wh ile htat goes withw hat youre doing. or that you were listending to while doing something awesome. you're gonna wanna know later howm uch taht influenced how you were feeling. im being the best person i can. i knowsome poeple take it the wrongway or don't care or are just like "what the fuck" but dude i don't dislike people. if i don't know you and you havent fucked with my friends and people i love dude i don't care aboutyou. just have one thing in common withme. and if you do dude come one in dude if theyre fucking in love. onlywhen you're this in love can you know who's really your fried dude. i called ntataly andtold her iloved her. ive never cried like that at some one elses house. i just don't think me and nat grew up equal. i alwasy wanted her to b e with me though. whole days just hanging out. walkingsomehwere.making independent films. i still watch our version of the blair which and think we have got to be themost bored awesome, bitches you only talk to if you're cool because i don't want to hear shit and you wont hear shit from me.thats how people get along. just try to undertand eachother in any way possible and don't hate because of interests. that's not cool. people just jame out to different shit dude. insided dude they cant hear music becaue they're talking and they have things to say. i dont even know why i flicked off eddies ex during a red light. it was pretty dick but it make eddie and ham and nikki laugh and my ambition to see her and say fuck you just cuz i was rightt there. it make all of us laugh dude. and honestly i'd deal withdirty looks from anyyone every day if in the end dude you don't fucing nee dthem. just me like "shut" and bam dude. life's fucked up enough to have to deal with other's peoples shit. its not anyones falut thatanyone else is in a hurry or hasn't gottens service. or they got fired or they're just mean to the point where your feeling are shit and he thinks becsue you're being respectful it your duty. its their duty. if they want something and youre gonna depend on someone esle to do it or even tbe there.d on't be didcks to eachother. that's why myfriends ares o cool. they'renot boring butthey'rej ust as anxious for sights and frights and so much shit. don't punish for trhat. just understand. how you feel has nothing todo withwhat someoneelse feels. anger is just a defence mechanism yourbody has. before you get mad or do any of that. just concentrate and say. dude i was just wit my friends and haent done anyting wrong.and you wont be mad about annnnything. because even bad things bring good memories. sheilas dad a few months ago. that man used to make cicken salad *a big tub( justfr me to take homr because he knew my family loved his chickensaldad. he was kind of mean dude but just likemy grampa who fucking died fighting the devil and lost, they once did somethign good. they must have. my mom came from that and she's as great as can be. hemust has said something maningful to them one day. and my mom and aunts were like. crazy dad. he fucke overm y childhood. letsfuckignshow are kids that childhood are dad would beat us for askingfor. you want to?pretend our dad'sstill alive just watching us do to our kids what he was too fucked up todo . man my grampa fucked up. i don't know how he's doing right now. he shoud watch his kids kids. those mentaly retarted cousins of mine that are just here wantingcake. dude they shoudndt be around coke. some things you do with yur friends and other things. you keeps you and your friends from doing it. chrismas is coming of and dude my tee's fake.its okay. trees are a hassle i'd rather just give eachotherpesents i regret not giving your guys the credit you deserve. not even trying dude becaue you didnt hadve to but now even trying, just being yoursleves, i saw anothes side of you all. of myself. tahts theside taht keeps people together. the 'remember'i mean youd on't just forget or just igore somebody talk abouts sex to and learn guitar parts together and get in bands together, and walk to the fucking carnval and riiiiiide and, going to themovies. double dates. fight. detention. lunch. a have another mom and my mom is nataly's other mom. and i guarrantee that. my mom would chekc out our buts dude and be like "damn girls are thsoe reall. well sheila you're flat pero estas estan bie buenonsas. dude my mom she'll be your friend. just dont give her shit she dont deserve. stay coolw ith your parents. watch yourparents evne if every word theys ay annoysyou. just say thanks.even if they'er telling your you're ruinging yourlife and you don't know what youre doing, say thanks forletting thatmatter. and i dont know aboutanyone else but that drivesme to not be such an ingrate. my life is awesome. i have absolutely nothing to complain about and if i do then i might as well forget about it becaue ive made it this far without whatever it is i though i needed. just give me people dont talk shit butjust shit talk about anyting. its alright.im not likingor not liking anyone rightnow. unless someoneg ot in my face and no one's gonan do that. dude what the fuck did i begin talking about at first. i dont even know im just typing because thers no one here to hold onto my dumbeness andtell melater so i gotta same my mind.save me ADMITTING to so much and not regreting. just undserstanding. but i want people to knwo who i am becaue wether they know me or not. im then wherever i go. so if they wanna find out why id do the things i do. or why i don't talk alot or why i always look bored or take things real serisouly. if they wanna know they need to sit down and talk to me. get in my brain and understand me. b ecause id ont want togo to sleep knowing someone doesnt know me for who i really am. i posted along time ago saying taht no good deed goes unpinished due and someones always gonan be there to bash you and give you shit for trying. you 'll find that shit everywehre but what's gonna make you awesome is because you're no ones' enemy. yeah dude you don't like alot of poeple but you know what? you're respecting they're shit you don't want to deal with right? and i mean poeple cant appriciate a little try. event he stupidkids that doent even knw what they're saying.one day its gonna hit you. believe it.chrismas and holloween get left behind and you forget what once you used to depend on the have a good time. a movie. chockolate whatever. you were like"oh awesome im here with my buddy's watching a scary movie" dde you forget you were once a kid who just had fucking day dreams about starting a band . and trying to hard to becool. and being made fun of cuz you were chucnky and didnt' like confrentations. it sucks but then you start realizing. people are different. be okay with rejection because alot of pdopld know what that want. and nothing canget in the way. not you. especially not you. dream with your friends. share an illusion.a goal. and trust me you wont ever be parted. if you have a fucking.....strip club in austin and im living in japan for a couple of years and my best friend is fucking asleep in iraq dude cuz she wanted to do shows for the soldiers like dan. evkne kthough we're busy living oru lives but if hters something taht needs you two and onyly you two and your know it will fail if one of youturn your back. never part with those people you crywith. they may think you're weird butif only they knew how much they were loved theyd understand.i want my little asians to leave a fucking mark on the audinence. make them cry. make them know this isnt just a playdude. the the "i shit you not" of theworldtell your kids to know whats going on. everything'sso easy nwo a days. including getting in trouble. you don't need tomake anyone perfect just make htem smart and not anag. everyone should realize that if we lose all power one day and have not tv's lights' only live music not machines not camaras not pictures not restarurants not smoke shops not tatoo shops no businesses. i dunno. i aoplogize to anyonei've ever annoyed or just fucking buzz killed or madel les comfodrtable. sorry about that. i trust you now. not with my life haha butdude don't lose any of your stuff. you're gonna want to see it. some day. you're gonna be having trouble with a kid dude cuz they're being stupidnd and doing stupid shit thining its okay. show them how to starysmart and keep important people.all the shit on my wall not matter hwo gay it is.im keeping it and and when i move into a house of my own, one whole room is going to be full of my posters and music and shit amd mess i have in my room.i wanttogo into a room where i canlook overm y past and laugh. andi need alotof visualfor that because one thing with me is that ideascomeandgo. and i always want something new being done.i dontk now if that getannoying but i mean i dont expectanyone to read this. just me dude. i fanything show it to my brother when we're older. remember when you caughtme smoking in that house we suede to live in. and mom wouldget all mad about that shit. but then sh e'd go to sleep andwe both know that my mom would love this between me and my brother. no matterhwo mean kike everw asto me. he's not a bad brother at all. he protectsme and that's what i want my big brother todo. i lovedit when back int he day if id be sad or mad for ANY reason, he'd just be like" what'swrong" you want me to kick taht jc guys ass or what? i'll just jump him adntell im im your brother and i dont like you and i cant believe you ever talkedto that stuck up grinch dog thing. "weird or not dude that'sthebest brotheranyone can have. one that knows what yourve been throughans just looking out.like hwen you're little everyings okay and thenews doesnt apply to you and you worry about lunch money not money for the apartment. remember the simplicitys ofbeing akid and don't completelyforget aboutthem. becaue you turn into an older person who doesn't understand and just wants tranquility. but we're gonna be old people that dont want them to fuck up but we want a fucking "RIOT" just becaue it's fun to hit eachother as long as you're cuking having fun. i don't like boundries. i don't like being told i can't or i wouldn't becaue i can and i would.i want o hangout with raymond and christian and smoke withthem becaue i know raymond knows how i feel. and i know for a fact he doesn't agree with jc about smokking. chris lovse the smell of weed. i want to just invite them one day. to hang out like we used to. i donlt want to lose my metalehead friends that listento fucking molotov. i love thsoe guys. i've been near going to strip kjoints with those guys. just so theycan tell me what i should put in minde. and what kidn of chicks to hire. dude idon't know if they believe meor if tey think im just full of shit but holy shit dude when we're all older..vip section dude upsttairs with our own private stage.we can just hang outwith my strippers and talk about how big this joints gonna get big plans dude and as long as i have people. friends. family that would walk in dude and have fun with my nto so hotyet chicks butstill chill cuz things change and that okay. we're gonna see the people downstaris and be like "what do youthink they'd do if they figured out the owners were up here chilling out with lamb of god. how would those chicks i hire like would they have any idea who's attention th ey're getting. our place dude just watch.its gonna be so bad ass my workers are gonna have their own plastic surgeon. just for my team. and iactually know who. and how. we just need to keep the thought floating and just remember what oneof our purposes is. my friends wotn be dissapoined when they think back on my dumbness. th ey wont regret all this blabber. cuz i'll actually come through. and prove you can do shit if you just say youwill. and give it a try. my own tatoo and piercingshop. b eleive it ornot. its on the list. i want to own a minni not so minni empire. have my own ampitheater and have bands come play.but good bands that like to the point wher you can be like"no that band sucks dude don't get them down here. or sell the tickets real cheap. i want to not have to depend on anyone for my sources dude idont want sources i want to be a source . i want to be the one where youre ike"fuck dude we're fucked we don't have anywhere todo and we're bored as fuck and we dont have shit. dude call me. i will make taht party for you guys wherever i live i'd say. whoever lives with me, ims sorry but they arent' kept waiting. i love being asked to fix something. i doesnt maske me feel like im depending on shit. im just amazingly opinionated about everything and i know im not talking stupid shit because it reallydoes make sence and its actually me forming opinions on aspects of my life. people. habbits, patters and ignorance. people are just fuckin unique and sometime you get mad when you cdant categorize someone so they're just gay. and they say a few things to you and youre like "damn this guy is duuuuumb. he doesnte even know what he's talkign about. dude stay. because that's how you earn peace dude. by making peace withothers you earn respecta nd just tranquility i mean if there is no one agains you? if there is no one who's opinion hurts you just shut that down. no one else has a clue how right thing witll work out. since new orleans, the party town, is fucking underwater, don't worry. im workin on rebuilding it. but i wanna be so badass that i BUY it and I fix it and whatever happens to it its my fucking worry and shit wouldnt that be cool" to have a house? by yourself.going for x-mas with with all your family and have you little cousings who are now teenagersask you if you can get them a beer or take thekm to a partyfor their b-day, forx-mas, anything. its amazing. how the people that mad e you coviner your ears or go to another room when they wouldtalk abotu fucking and smoking and getting completely wasted, those poeple and aware ofyou. no things gonna happen to you. i dont know but im thinking about people tbati have to realize wont be there all my life and have been there for fucking ever. funerals will be parties dude. i won't let death get in the way of the happiness i feel to haveknwo that person. i want to feels o amazing about themthat you'd got up to thseircasket and be like "life sucked dued. youdeerved better" people just being like "im gonna miss her or him but know he was too fucking funny or annylitical and you had to let him be along. just like i would now have gotten on my computer and pourout feeling about people who don't even make a difference in my life. they're allcritics while im making my movie.
they don't have my humor dude. but the peple tha t do. they knwo what'sgoing on. today was fucking like i have no secrets that i need to get out. every opinion is zlrezdy out there. thothing your say or ask is stupid. its not. if you thought about it obviously its possible and you need to say it. even if you know you're not making sense. im listening to badfish and i want everyone here just chilling out. outside witha stereo talking about our plans and just remminesscing abuout stuf that onlyh happnes once. and that's the first years of your life.once they're gone dude its all up to talking to have a memory of this ilfe. thats why i want pictures scraps pictures.if hters one thing i love todo is look at stuff i've corrected. can't isnt an option. just a matter of will power and hope and confidence.i don't feel guilty at all. im finally realizing thisis my life im running. mine only. no one else shares my body or mind or movements. jus i can specefy. writig this shit is werid. i dont even knwo whati was writing about a sentence ago. im just going at itbecause i love to type. like shit ans separated but this has to stay with me. theonly memories i have are thsoe that i have to have something visual. i don't have memories just faint picurres. and it sucks cuz i know ive done alot of fun shit but that shwy i want to write downmy feelings. so later on i cant just contradict myself and diss anyone for sayingoro doing anything ive done,people party. rules okay restrictions i guess but fuck dude. no bullshit from stupid people tat shit shouldbe illigal.not letting someone live their life in any wayshould be a crime. i need to go to kinkos! what in the world am i gonna talk to those kids aboutomorrow? the need some fun time. i'd hate tojust work and practice and work and practice. i was in that group once doing their same activities they need to see some fun in work or they'll see effort as a waste dude. let them know how to share. dude when iwas in that class i would ask them to rewrite my part and make it more real or less fake, yes the two are different. so much stage fright butdamn i knew what was going on up there. i loved thatstage when i was a kid. everyone expected nothing just a song or two but i wanted to say more. like jesus was a person too and no matter what unless your perfect, you cant expect anything else to be perfet because it was okay to read off our paper ay mygod my kids and i did a guitar solo thing once. i took my pink g. and dude i didnt have to pitdch the idea they just saw it and say "play me a song. Dude the simplest notes dude and some wordsor theirname inbetween. they'll feel like the shit. and if htereis anything that i can say i never hadenough of was confidence.and it sucks so bad.i mean shit i used to not want to talk to ben because he looked all stuck up and preppy rocker thing who was alwasy being stupid in class buti mean the guy is just a dork. he's no one dude just ben exersising his right to live withoght bothers and no matter what tomorrow throws at your face. just be sure of what you believing and if you believe that one day dude everythings gonna change and this willbe over dude you still know what happened and you know nomatter how bad the shit around you gets. always somehwere to be alwasy someone to talk. to. and at the moment im talking to jc. he needs to know. i fucking woke him up to tell him there's no reasson for enemies. i told him to take care of ray and crizzle because youd don't fiind friends twice. and i told him to be badass with the band even though my best friend in the entire universe's boyfriend is the drummer. live dude live and let live. don't force friends or enemies on anyone. people choose. that's our only power in reality. i hate the thought of people leaving. orleaving people. i cant find reason to not want to be here. i wonder how everyone else is doing.
I love eddie more than anything.
he's there.
i don't care what anyone says. he's one of the kindest people i know. not selfish not anything. just difficult. and difficult i fine.
When once in a while. You're eachothers and nothing else matters b ecause nothinge else knows what you're going through. they don't. live and let die. who did we harm tonight? no One. Peace with myself and other peopl.e Abraham of all people. im just like eddies girl friend dude but to me dude that guy's the shit. one of those good people you know are good from experience only. and when they talk shit you have so much badass shit to say about them. Abraham be you dude. don't listen anyonel. just make sure you know what you want dude and don't let shit like this re arrange that plan dude. VIP for life remember dude. you and eddie and nikki dude. even if we don't fucking see eachother for like 5 years dude. i'll know where to find you guys. VIP in the club. Me and Nat are gonna be the party people dude. Ima have my own police dude. they'd be vip too dude. everyonehappy. not bad cops. they just know whats up. becaue i'll most likely have smoked iwht them once in their life dude "back in high shcool" the best dude. we can send our fucking badass kids to fucking summer camp dude while we fucking party. Adulthood man. closer to death but that's the price you pay for being the center of your own universe. and theres nothing wrong with that. Ham prolly just fucking saw me last years as jc fucking girlfriend. never talked to him. didn't smoke. weird to be around" i don't know what he thinks now. i don't even know if he'll remember iw as even there dude he could have hated me dude and i'd be like "whatever i think he's bad ass. he's himself dude. im not fucking money dude, im not forced to like anyone. but i dunno dude.i'm finally starting the good people i thought ran away. live man live.call me gay fro a lj dude but i hate writing. typing flows so incredibly hard. and having it to read later. you learn from yourself. just don't forget. don'tforget your fuckups and mistakes dude. acceptthem.i've fucked up. eddie makes fun of me for once having an internet boyfriend. fuck dude i was a kid. dumb. curious. bored. i don't regret it dude. you had a friend dude who is just fuckingmiles away. whoever he is dude he's just as bored. a fuckin baby...and eddie i don't regret any of it dude. laugh at me for it haha i would too.my computer is playing random songs i dont' want to hear. hey guys when i get mmy lap tod lets fucking get badass speakers for it like eddie sad and we'll fillthe shit out of it with music and just jam out. be online in the car dude. that'd be badass.i want MY music. not shit someone else has.i wish there was bands i didn't recognize.
i dont know... eveyone knows what everyones talkign abotu when it comes to music and like new stuff randomly gets introduced. but i mean lets challenge what we got dude. greatest hits cd's dude are "greatest Hits" becaue they came out on the radio. mainstream. that doesn to me my friend count at a "greatest hit" i don't want to hear come together or strawsberry fields orthat shit everyone knows becaue youd be dumb not to but like make YOUR own GREATEST HITS. for every band. because no one else knows that you don't like staccatto or too much grawr grawr graw. fuck yellow submarine dude i want maxwell silver hammer dude. i wanna hear about joan and her fucking test tube. iw anna hear about the fucked up maxwell dude killing spree mother fucking. and all sounding like cuteness dude. my kid's are gonan be great. my little asian punk ass cousin. annoying abnnoxious anf fucking mean to me he's one of my kids dude. he's the asian. he doesnt even know spanish but he want to try dude. and he's a sweetheart onthe inside. its not his fault. peanut, andy, candy, fat boy, punk as jurk, homie, dude fuckign andres dude. giving little boy. just undertand him. he's trying. i wanna keep him close dude. i don't want him falling. i want all my kids my cousins dude anyone who needs anyting dude tell me. i will listen and if you're reading this you know you will. 4 in the morning i wont care. i can try god damn i can try. just keep true and don't give in to shit that's not woth it. that waht i really want to teach. too young for the truth. to old for regrets. try your best. just don't let them fall dude because like it or not. those messed up little kids that areall psycho. those are the fears of the future dude.who cares if they believe they're wronging or not. makesure you tried. because then not matter what they nkow you were there in their fucking most retarted moments or "god damn you'rea fucing dumbass dude go home"but you fuckin kept them from dusturbance dude.keep the peace with im and himself/ herself/ themselves. no matter hwo you see it. knowing people is nothing to getthign to know people. ims orry for every citisizing something good. or unintentional or accidental. i'll laugh about stuff but i feel horriblefor laughing at people just trying. partyfouls, you tell semeone they're fucking retarded. Party fowls today, you'll tells omeone not to worry asbotu it becaue you don't need it. theres not such thing as tilting dude. i understand little monsters dude. down here thers' no such thing as tilting. riots rock because people cand o so muhc dude destrpwu a city to make a party and then all together fix it up reall nice. as a fucking city. know people. get toknow them. I just got bitched at by emis mom. 2ce the first time she was mad bceause i asked for emi and it was 1 in the morning. then i had to call back and say taht my mom's never mean to emi when he calls me at 2 or 3 she just understands. iim not beign mean but i just wantedto talk to him i didn't mean to wake you up but dont' be disrespectfull then she wanted my name for i dont knwo what i thing she thought i was threatnign but i just wanted her to know that im a kid taht wanted to talk to her kid just like he talk to me. cuz im her sons friend. be cool. you dn't know me andi don't either lets make peace no need for getting mad. a no's ok no's happen. whatevers stupid shit you knwo ive done. whoever you are. im sur youve seen or heard dude remember dude. make fun of me for it. i wont' regret a second out there. to thimnk that theres' people that are so hateful when all they ahve to to is say soemthing about it. every one has a good side asd vise versa. yin yangs are badass. the world in asircle. i want my future alerady. i want my future. i dont' want todepend on ANYONE. i want my own everything. that i run and demand from and control. my own shit. a house. for me and nat. bring everyone over to san antonio and chill. go to me and nat's graduation like she went to her sisters which was badass. cuz i love her family. anyway yeah all my friends are gonan be at my graduation part for college when im somethign badass. and that ngiht bigass party.and like if youd dont want someone there don't let them in until they prove that they're cool and they're just as much of a party dude and everyone just wants to party. dude honestly by them my mom will knwo i smoke. she'll know. becasue im gonna prove to her that its okay because im getting her that house. paying her back for all the shit. my mom's the shit. when she's old she's still gonna be the shit. she'll understand me because she knows how i feel about so much shit like ding stuff people say to do it. she loves to see when i go agaisnt what people think. she loves watching meconfront i deas i don't like. i once confronted this guy that was preachign about other religeons and how they were bad in some way and like right right when he was done dude i wen tup to him and iw as like" the topics are cool. very contriversial but animists aren't fucking crazy people that worsip rocks dude. they believe things are ther efor a reason and just like you man *he was young* and my mom was there and she fucing knew he could pull out his bible and not fucking prove me wrong. she love watching that. she loves knowing her daughter has an opinion. call it what you maybut my opinion is based on wha im looking at happen. what i don't see happenign that should happen for all thsoe poeple that cant live ad ay or serenity. i watch the knews and realize mroe and more why the u.s sucks ins o many ways. i mean yeah dude all those dems and reps are peolple tat make mistakes and they're up there and theyh're not perfect dude but daaaamn some of them fuck up. like they take thier "power" and think they're above shit; but theres always someone there watching that you didnt know was watching. and dude you're gona get fucked. but i mean if was that delay guy dude i would have confeessed so logn ago. been like'yeah...im sorry..fire me butlike just dont get pissed i sadi i was sorry" but people gott plead non guilty dude. shust admitt dude.its alot easier to know who your friends are when you say things that no one sele knows your feel or think. i'll admitt to you guys. sometimeds i get broed with you guys. cul like sometimes we don't do anyting. but ya dude who cares. everyoneg gets bored dude. and about the shit you get for smoking ude. forget it. you proabablyknow this but as logn as oyou knkow whata your're doing and you can consiencel y say "fuck you world" you're okay. if no one ever saw me again like i dont know someone put all my shit up an a room dude. my lamb of god autograpsh , hang em dude, all my posters. even the gay ones that i maede myslef dude keep it somewhere. i was the furure to knwo the past and know its okay. to plabber on. and show them a fucing picuter dude of me going on to eddie while he was takigna nap. i don't give nikki enough credit. she'd cool and pretty youg. its hard to believe im liik 2 years older than her. when iw was her age i was in my back yard having a party.one guy broughtdrinks but very little. people were goign in trhough mwindow at night to use my room. so many poeple hooked up. therew jaime in a huge ice chest. so manyh people idnt evne talk tonow were th ere. cesar, jessica, jseesica, america, john, abraham g, ki ddanced with people becaue no fuckign reason. dude i danced withJ. FUCKINGJ when everyone reaizes they're equally doingsomething, you dont mind AT ALL sounding stupid. becaue if it makes sence or not , getting it out is the only way to know. don't let ideas go ever cuz they don't come back. keep em even if they're distand always remember old goals. hang your flags dude get your victory. you not just a fuckingloser. make the soundtrack of your life dude.make the soundtrack of your life. it doesnt take much. just write a song oncein a wh ile htat goes withw hat youre doing. or that you were listending to while doing something awesome. you're gonna wanna know later howm uch taht influenced how you were feeling. im being the best person i can. i knowsome poeple take it the wrongway or don't care or are just like "what the fuck" but dude i don't dislike people. if i don't know you and you havent fucked with my friends and people i love dude i don't care aboutyou. just have one thing in common withme. and if you do dude come one in dude if theyre fucking in love. onlywhen you're this in love can you know who's really your fried dude. i called ntataly andtold her iloved her. ive never cried like that at some one elses house. i just don't think me and nat grew up equal. i alwasy wanted her to b e with me though. whole days just hanging out. walkingsomehwere.making independent films. i still watch our version of the blair which and think we have got to be themost bored awesome, bitches you only talk to if you're cool because i don't want to hear shit and you wont hear shit from me.thats how people get along. just try to undertand eachother in any way possible and don't hate because of interests. that's not cool. people just jame out to different shit dude. insided dude they cant hear music becaue they're talking and they have things to say. i dont even know why i flicked off eddies ex during a red light. it was pretty dick but it make eddie and ham and nikki laugh and my ambition to see her and say fuck you just cuz i was rightt there. it make all of us laugh dude. and honestly i'd deal withdirty looks from anyyone every day if in the end dude you don't fucing nee dthem. just me like "shut" and bam dude. life's fucked up enough to have to deal with other's peoples shit. its not anyones falut thatanyone else is in a hurry or hasn't gottens service. or they got fired or they're just mean to the point where your feeling are shit and he thinks becsue you're being respectful it your duty. its their duty. if they want something and youre gonna depend on someone esle to do it or even tbe there.d on't be didcks to eachother. that's why myfriends ares o cool. they'renot boring butthey'rej ust as anxious for sights and frights and so much shit. don't punish for trhat. just understand. how you feel has nothing todo withwhat someoneelse feels. anger is just a defence mechanism yourbody has. before you get mad or do any of that. just concentrate and say. dude i was just wit my friends and haent done anyting wrong.and you wont be mad about annnnything. because even bad things bring good memories. sheilas dad a few months ago. that man used to make cicken salad *a big tub( justfr me to take homr because he knew my family loved his chickensaldad. he was kind of mean dude but just likemy grampa who fucking died fighting the devil and lost, they once did somethign good. they must have. my mom came from that and she's as great as can be. hemust has said something maningful to them one day. and my mom and aunts were like. crazy dad. he fucke overm y childhood. letsfuckignshow are kids that childhood are dad would beat us for askingfor. you want to?pretend our dad'sstill alive just watching us do to our kids what he was too fucked up todo . man my grampa fucked up. i don't know how he's doing right now. he shoud watch his kids kids. those mentaly retarted cousins of mine that are just here wantingcake. dude they shoudndt be around coke. some things you do with yur friends and other things. you keeps you and your friends from doing it. chrismas is coming of and dude my tee's fake.its okay. trees are a hassle i'd rather just give eachotherpesents i regret not giving your guys the credit you deserve. not even trying dude becaue you didnt hadve to but now even trying, just being yoursleves, i saw anothes side of you all. of myself. tahts theside taht keeps people together. the 'remember'i mean youd on't just forget or just igore somebody talk abouts sex to and learn guitar parts together and get in bands together, and walk to the fucking carnval and riiiiiide and, going to themovies. double dates. fight. detention. lunch. a have another mom and my mom is nataly's other mom. and i guarrantee that. my mom would chekc out our buts dude and be like "damn girls are thsoe reall. well sheila you're flat pero estas estan bie buenonsas. dude my mom she'll be your friend. just dont give her shit she dont deserve. stay coolw ith your parents. watch yourparents evne if every word theys ay annoysyou. just say thanks.even if they'er telling your you're ruinging yourlife and you don't know what youre doing, say thanks forletting thatmatter. and i dont know aboutanyone else but that drivesme to not be such an ingrate. my life is awesome. i have absolutely nothing to complain about and if i do then i might as well forget about it becaue ive made it this far without whatever it is i though i needed. just give me people dont talk shit butjust shit talk about anyting. its alright.im not likingor not liking anyone rightnow. unless someoneg ot in my face and no one's gonan do that. dude what the fuck did i begin talking about at first. i dont even know im just typing because thers no one here to hold onto my dumbeness andtell melater so i gotta same my mind.save me ADMITTING to so much and not regreting. just undserstanding. but i want people to knwo who i am becaue wether they know me or not. im then wherever i go. so if they wanna find out why id do the things i do. or why i don't talk alot or why i always look bored or take things real serisouly. if they wanna know they need to sit down and talk to me. get in my brain and understand me. b ecause id ont want togo to sleep knowing someone doesnt know me for who i really am. i posted along time ago saying taht no good deed goes unpinished due and someones always gonan be there to bash you and give you shit for trying. you 'll find that shit everywehre but what's gonna make you awesome is because you're no ones' enemy. yeah dude you don't like alot of poeple but you know what? you're respecting they're shit you don't want to deal with right? and i mean poeple cant appriciate a little try. event he stupidkids that doent even knw what they're saying.one day its gonna hit you. believe it.chrismas and holloween get left behind and you forget what once you used to depend on the have a good time. a movie. chockolate whatever. you were like"oh awesome im here with my buddy's watching a scary movie" dde you forget you were once a kid who just had fucking day dreams about starting a band . and trying to hard to becool. and being made fun of cuz you were chucnky and didnt' like confrentations. it sucks but then you start realizing. people are different. be okay with rejection because alot of pdopld know what that want. and nothing canget in the way. not you. especially not you. dream with your friends. share an illusion.a goal. and trust me you wont ever be parted. if you have a fucking.....strip club in austin and im living in japan for a couple of years and my best friend is fucking asleep in iraq dude cuz she wanted to do shows for the soldiers like dan. evkne kthough we're busy living oru lives but if hters something taht needs you two and onyly you two and your know it will fail if one of youturn your back. never part with those people you crywith. they may think you're weird butif only they knew how much they were loved theyd understand.i want my little asians to leave a fucking mark on the audinence. make them cry. make them know this isnt just a playdude. the the "i shit you not" of theworldtell your kids to know whats going on. everything'sso easy nwo a days. including getting in trouble. you don't need tomake anyone perfect just make htem smart and not anag. everyone should realize that if we lose all power one day and have not tv's lights' only live music not machines not camaras not pictures not restarurants not smoke shops not tatoo shops no businesses. i dunno. i aoplogize to anyonei've ever annoyed or just fucking buzz killed or madel les comfodrtable. sorry about that. i trust you now. not with my life haha butdude don't lose any of your stuff. you're gonna want to see it. some day. you're gonna be having trouble with a kid dude cuz they're being stupidnd and doing stupid shit thining its okay. show them how to starysmart and keep important people.all the shit on my wall not matter hwo gay it is.im keeping it and and when i move into a house of my own, one whole room is going to be full of my posters and music and shit amd mess i have in my room.i wanttogo into a room where i canlook overm y past and laugh. andi need alotof visualfor that because one thing with me is that ideascomeandgo. and i always want something new being done.i dontk now if that getannoying but i mean i dont expectanyone to read this. just me dude. i fanything show it to my brother when we're older. remember when you caughtme smoking in that house we suede to live in. and mom wouldget all mad about that shit. but then sh e'd go to sleep andwe both know that my mom would love this between me and my brother. no matterhwo mean kike everw asto me. he's not a bad brother at all. he protectsme and that's what i want my big brother todo. i lovedit when back int he day if id be sad or mad for ANY reason, he'd just be like" what'swrong" you want me to kick taht jc guys ass or what? i'll just jump him adntell im im your brother and i dont like you and i cant believe you ever talkedto that stuck up grinch dog thing. "weird or not dude that'sthebest brotheranyone can have. one that knows what yourve been throughans just looking out.like hwen you're little everyings okay and thenews doesnt apply to you and you worry about lunch money not money for the apartment. remember the simplicitys ofbeing akid and don't completelyforget aboutthem. becaue you turn into an older person who doesn't understand and just wants tranquility. but we're gonna be old people that dont want them to fuck up but we want a fucking "RIOT" just becaue it's fun to hit eachother as long as you're cuking having fun. i don't like boundries. i don't like being told i can't or i wouldn't becaue i can and i would.i want o hangout with raymond and christian and smoke withthem becaue i know raymond knows how i feel. and i know for a fact he doesn't agree with jc about smokking. chris lovse the smell of weed. i want to just invite them one day. to hang out like we used to. i donlt want to lose my metalehead friends that listento fucking molotov. i love thsoe guys. i've been near going to strip kjoints with those guys. just so theycan tell me what i should put in minde. and what kidn of chicks to hire. dude idon't know if they believe meor if tey think im just full of shit but holy shit dude when we're all older..vip section dude upsttairs with our own private stage.we can just hang outwith my strippers and talk about how big this joints gonna get big plans dude and as long as i have people. friends. family that would walk in dude and have fun with my nto so hotyet chicks butstill chill cuz things change and that okay. we're gonna see the people downstaris and be like "what do youthink they'd do if they figured out the owners were up here chilling out with lamb of god. how would those chicks i hire like would they have any idea who's attention th ey're getting. our place dude just watch.its gonna be so bad ass my workers are gonna have their own plastic surgeon. just for my team. and iactually know who. and how. we just need to keep the thought floating and just remember what oneof our purposes is. my friends wotn be dissapoined when they think back on my dumbness. th ey wont regret all this blabber. cuz i'll actually come through. and prove you can do shit if you just say youwill. and give it a try. my own tatoo and piercingshop. b eleive it ornot. its on the list. i want to own a minni not so minni empire. have my own ampitheater and have bands come play.but good bands that like to the point wher you can be like"no that band sucks dude don't get them down here. or sell the tickets real cheap. i want to not have to depend on anyone for my sources dude idont want sources i want to be a source . i want to be the one where youre ike"fuck dude we're fucked we don't have anywhere todo and we're bored as fuck and we dont have shit. dude call me. i will make taht party for you guys wherever i live i'd say. whoever lives with me, ims sorry but they arent' kept waiting. i love being asked to fix something. i doesnt maske me feel like im depending on shit. im just amazingly opinionated about everything and i know im not talking stupid shit because it reallydoes make sence and its actually me forming opinions on aspects of my life. people. habbits, patters and ignorance. people are just fuckin unique and sometime you get mad when you cdant categorize someone so they're just gay. and they say a few things to you and youre like "damn this guy is duuuuumb. he doesnte even know what he's talkign about. dude stay. because that's how you earn peace dude. by making peace withothers you earn respecta nd just tranquility i mean if there is no one agains you? if there is no one who's opinion hurts you just shut that down. no one else has a clue how right thing witll work out. since new orleans, the party town, is fucking underwater, don't worry. im workin on rebuilding it. but i wanna be so badass that i BUY it and I fix it and whatever happens to it its my fucking worry and shit wouldnt that be cool" to have a house? by yourself.going for x-mas with with all your family and have you little cousings who are now teenagersask you if you can get them a beer or take thekm to a partyfor their b-day, forx-mas, anything. its amazing. how the people that mad e you coviner your ears or go to another room when they wouldtalk abotu fucking and smoking and getting completely wasted, those poeple and aware ofyou. no things gonna happen to you. i dont know but im thinking about people tbati have to realize wont be there all my life and have been there for fucking ever. funerals will be parties dude. i won't let death get in the way of the happiness i feel to haveknwo that person. i want to feels o amazing about themthat you'd got up to thseircasket and be like "life sucked dued. youdeerved better" people just being like "im gonna miss her or him but know he was too fucking funny or annylitical and you had to let him be along. just like i would now have gotten on my computer and pourout feeling about people who don't even make a difference in my life. they're allcritics while im making my movie.
they don't have my humor dude. but the peple tha t do. they knwo what'sgoing on. today was fucking like i have no secrets that i need to get out. every opinion is zlrezdy out there. thothing your say or ask is stupid. its not. if you thought about it obviously its possible and you need to say it. even if you know you're not making sense. im listening to badfish and i want everyone here just chilling out. outside witha stereo talking about our plans and just remminesscing abuout stuf that onlyh happnes once. and that's the first years of your life.once they're gone dude its all up to talking to have a memory of this ilfe. thats why i want pictures scraps pictures.if hters one thing i love todo is look at stuff i've corrected. can't isnt an option. just a matter of will power and hope and confidence.i don't feel guilty at all. im finally realizing thisis my life im running. mine only. no one else shares my body or mind or movements. jus i can specefy. writig this shit is werid. i dont even knwo whati was writing about a sentence ago. im just going at itbecause i love to type. like shit ans separated but this has to stay with me. theonly memories i have are thsoe that i have to have something visual. i don't have memories just faint picurres. and it sucks cuz i know ive done alot of fun shit but that shwy i want to write downmy feelings. so later on i cant just contradict myself and diss anyone for sayingoro doing anything ive done,people party. rules okay restrictions i guess but fuck dude. no bullshit from stupid people tat shit shouldbe illigal.not letting someone live their life in any wayshould be a crime. i need to go to kinkos! what in the world am i gonna talk to those kids aboutomorrow? the need some fun time. i'd hate tojust work and practice and work and practice. i was in that group once doing their same activities they need to see some fun in work or they'll see effort as a waste dude. let them know how to share. dude when iwas in that class i would ask them to rewrite my part and make it more real or less fake, yes the two are different. so much stage fright butdamn i knew what was going on up there. i loved thatstage when i was a kid. everyone expected nothing just a song or two but i wanted to say more. like jesus was a person too and no matter what unless your perfect, you cant expect anything else to be perfet because it was okay to read off our paper ay mygod my kids and i did a guitar solo thing once. i took my pink g. and dude i didnt have to pitdch the idea they just saw it and say "play me a song. Dude the simplest notes dude and some wordsor theirname inbetween. they'll feel like the shit. and if htereis anything that i can say i never hadenough of was confidence.and it sucks so bad.i mean shit i used to not want to talk to ben because he looked all stuck up and preppy rocker thing who was alwasy being stupid in class buti mean the guy is just a dork. he's no one dude just ben exersising his right to live withoght bothers and no matter what tomorrow throws at your face. just be sure of what you believing and if you believe that one day dude everythings gonna change and this willbe over dude you still know what happened and you know nomatter how bad the shit around you gets. always somehwere to be alwasy someone to talk. to. and at the moment im talking to jc. he needs to know. i fucking woke him up to tell him there's no reasson for enemies. i told him to take care of ray and crizzle because youd don't fiind friends twice. and i told him to be badass with the band even though my best friend in the entire universe's boyfriend is the drummer. live dude live and let live. don't force friends or enemies on anyone. people choose. that's our only power in reality. i hate the thought of people leaving. orleaving people. i cant find reason to not want to be here. i wonder how everyone else is doing.