The Sad Little Boy In My Heart...
I'm reminded constantly of the fact that I'm human.
I toss, and I turn so often at night just thinking about that, almost refusing to sleep. To be reminded that in my fallibility, I am just a person.
I know I am a man with few layers. Someone who doesn't have as much depth as I probly should. I'm a overly sensitive male, with little ego, and few overly positive and fantastic traits. I don't say this in self-deprication, but instead out of love for myself.
I cry. More than most I think men. I don't know what makes me this way. I don't know if it's divine gift or intellectually deviant. How much different are my thought patterns than the norm. I don't cry often over sadness or in a depressed state. Actually, I seem to be more moved by humility. Humanity.
I want to love. I guess that is the nature of this moment I am having. Not even for just a single person. I hope to someday become this image I have of the man I want to be. Compassionate, giving, forgiving, strong, empathetic, and confident. I want to reach some pinnacle of a person.
Sure, I have desires for money, wealth, materials, and esteem. I'm sure it would make some of the things I want in my life to happen. Not that it's a realistic life.
I want everything. I want a four bedroom, two bath, large kitchened, loft on a highrise. I want the love of my life to drench me in love. I want a four door car thats spacious and comfortable yet speedy and turn on a dime. I want be able to visit my family and know that it'll be years before they parish. I want a massive music collection that would fill department stores if it was in cassette form.
I want to travel, vacation in sunny locals, visit relatives in snowy cabins, I want to fall from a plane safely returning to earth with a mushroom shaped parachute.
I really don't have any clarity writing this. I just feel at peace right now. Sometimes, I just don't have the world biting its teeth in my head and making me feel something other than the normal anguish. I should dread it's inevitable return, but I'm not. I know that is part of the problem. I want to hold on to all the moments of my life.
I am a creature of multiple factors and events. Family, church, friends, school, work. Driving, eating, walking. That whole in my heart for a month is filled with life. Hope.
This sad little boy is sad, but I feels its a good sad. I relish in my ability to feel. And to know that that is a gift we all share and can never lose.
Slice your heart open and what do you find?
...
I know this is sappy sloppy. Definately unfocused.
I toss, and I turn so often at night just thinking about that, almost refusing to sleep. To be reminded that in my fallibility, I am just a person.
I know I am a man with few layers. Someone who doesn't have as much depth as I probly should. I'm a overly sensitive male, with little ego, and few overly positive and fantastic traits. I don't say this in self-deprication, but instead out of love for myself.
I cry. More than most I think men. I don't know what makes me this way. I don't know if it's divine gift or intellectually deviant. How much different are my thought patterns than the norm. I don't cry often over sadness or in a depressed state. Actually, I seem to be more moved by humility. Humanity.
I want to love. I guess that is the nature of this moment I am having. Not even for just a single person. I hope to someday become this image I have of the man I want to be. Compassionate, giving, forgiving, strong, empathetic, and confident. I want to reach some pinnacle of a person.
Sure, I have desires for money, wealth, materials, and esteem. I'm sure it would make some of the things I want in my life to happen. Not that it's a realistic life.
I want everything. I want a four bedroom, two bath, large kitchened, loft on a highrise. I want the love of my life to drench me in love. I want a four door car thats spacious and comfortable yet speedy and turn on a dime. I want be able to visit my family and know that it'll be years before they parish. I want a massive music collection that would fill department stores if it was in cassette form.
I want to travel, vacation in sunny locals, visit relatives in snowy cabins, I want to fall from a plane safely returning to earth with a mushroom shaped parachute.
I really don't have any clarity writing this. I just feel at peace right now. Sometimes, I just don't have the world biting its teeth in my head and making me feel something other than the normal anguish. I should dread it's inevitable return, but I'm not. I know that is part of the problem. I want to hold on to all the moments of my life.
I am a creature of multiple factors and events. Family, church, friends, school, work. Driving, eating, walking. That whole in my heart for a month is filled with life. Hope.
This sad little boy is sad, but I feels its a good sad. I relish in my ability to feel. And to know that that is a gift we all share and can never lose.
Slice your heart open and what do you find?
...
I know this is sappy sloppy. Definately unfocused.