(no subject)
Well, its a rainy Tuesday. Yesterday was perfect though. When my roomie, Tam got home, we went to our usual dog park in St. Paul. We go to that one, because has never gotten a lisence for the Minneapolis ones. So, I go with Tam.
When we get there, I saw about six dogs, literally all different sizes. One was a giant and one was fist size. Then, this good looking guy comes up and starts introducing his dogs to ours. He was so nice and he seemed straight. I talked for a bit, and decifered he was, but Tam begs to differ and thinks he was trying to hit on me. My 'dar must be off. My head is seriously going to get huge. The guy was really attractive and he was wearing a J&B Construction t-shirt. He had a nice build and great little beard. I might have to investigate further into the matter today, when I go to the park again. He said he goes everyday with his three dogs. And the fact that he has dogs would indicate a sensative and mature personality. The gods, I hope, are on my side.
I know I have talked a lot about being hit on or just talking about other men in general lately. I wonder how much has to do with being out of a horrible relationship and wanting to find someone better. Someone who gives a damn about the welfare of others, including me. Someone who isn't so ignorant of others social, class, and personality differences. Someone who knows what a meaningful relationship is all about. Or am I just lusting over random men just to sooth the pain that still lingers. I'm not completely over Joe. I wish I was. I know how bad he is for me...for anyone who doesn't want a nonchalant relationship.
I want to be on with my life and forget this pathetic hapless love. It's sad that I fell in love with someone I can't even begin to understand. I mean, WTF, does Managing Efficencies mean anyway. Why does someone like that exist. Why bother trying to find a connection with others if you can't even open up about some basic information. I know there are a plethra of men out there that are just as distant. But I know that there are even more not like that. Why do I even ask these questions when I know I should forgeting about him? I am really regret saying this, but I hate him. For leading me on. For not ending things when they were really done. For being so unkind to others. For being a liar. For not telling me insignificant details that would add to a whole. For not telling me what his job is. For not kissing me. For being a horrible lover. For being overly sensitive about General College. For never comprising of lifestyles. For not kissing me when the dog would bark. For not staying overnight. For feeling uncomfortable leaving his car in my parking lot. For not liking my friends. For not calling anymore. For giving up completely on a friendship, when he said he wanted to trying. For being on Gay.com the day after we broke up. For sending me an e-mail saying he was seeing someone so shortly after the break-up. For making me a lostcause. For being a person who doesn't think about the people in his life, including Jessica and Kristin, and insults them infront and behind their backs. For feeling superior than others, because of his "status". For having a job his MOM gave him, and acting like he worked hard to get there. For having nice things and thinking that it makes him better than others. For showing no compassion for the poor and thinking that they must just be lazy. For being hispanic and feeling that he must somehow ignore that part of hisself due to shame, when it could have been one of the most important and meaningful. For being physically inferior(in the worlds eyes) and trying desperately to overcompensate for it. For losing his wieght in what seemed to be an unhealthy way. For not touching me when I needed it most. For not talking about his family. For not wanting to tell his mom about us, when he said on numerous occasions that she wouldn't care that he was gay. For having so much and not recognizing it. For being a jerk, when he has something inside him that could so be the opposite. For not being beautiful inside. For not being beautiful on the outside. For not fighting for me. For not trying to get me back. For giving up so easily. For everything that could have been and didn't because of who he is.
Long and drawn out. I might be wrong in some of this. I'm not too arrogant to think I'm completely accurate. And I know I'm not perfect. But at least I talked about what troubled me. I didn't hide my emotions. I really want to meet someone else who makes me feel special. Someone who won't belittle others, where ergo insults me. Someone who wants to grow old with me and will be loyal. Someone who is a passionate and great lover. Someone who will encourage me and question me. Someone with enough intelligence to understand that words only speak loudly with actions to back them up.
What does independent mean? Does it mean the opposite of co-dependent? I don't think so. So, people out there that want independence, realize that needing people, doens't make you co-dependent.
Peace
Love
And learning is half the battle...go Joe.