(no subject)
I guess I ended things with Yonatan.
I really confused myself in that. I have feelings for him. In the beginning I was overwhelmed by how incredible our connection was. But the awe of that got lost in the jumble of problems we soon had. I don't feel like this is all my fault. I think we both made mistakes in the beginning, and I couldn't shake the lingering feeling of being analyzed and picked apart by him once all the weird questioning and problem-solving period was over. I sort of felt like I couldn't be myself because I was too naive and inexperienced and if I were to be myself I'd surely make mistakes and disappoint him.
Eventually he taught me that he wanted nothing more than for me to be myself. That was a relief, and I vowed to commit to myself. But then it came to bother me when I realized I was being silenced around him: for some reason he was rendering me silent, rendering me not myself. And then I felt obligated to him.
He'd previously realized aloud: "you just want to be free, don't you?" And I think that yeah, I do just want to be free. And it sucks because I think he's so amazing and true and beautiful and I love him
But even though I know (mentally) he doesn't want anything unreasonable from me,
even though I know (mentally) he's good and he's good to me and he has no intent of making unrealistic demands on me
I cannot shake the feeling that giving him what he deserves will be difficult for me,
that giving him what he deserves will in turn remove me from myself.
And that isn't fair. That isn't fair at all.
I wanted to try, and that's why I asked him back after he'd tried to end things before. I wanted to see if I could do it without sacrificing, if I could learn enough in a short period of time to be good to him, for him, and good for me.
And we improved! Monumentally in a short time. But I was giving him traits and labels and masks that he didn't deserve
it's as if I were unconsciously trying to thwart him -
It was freezing me up. It was causing me pain, the belief that I had to choose between continuing the patterns I've created in my lovely little life the way they've been and bending them to include a love.
Why can't I just have it both ways? I should be able to. But it wasn't coming to me that way. And that's a problem.
Perhaps it was the wrong time. Perhaps he's the wrong person?
Or perhaps I just can't
do
love.
Part of me thinks I'm just broken. That I'll be perfectly content dating my friends and enjoying life as a spinster for the next eighty years. Sure, to be strong. Maybe I'll just never learn how to include someone in my life that way. Maybe I don't need to learn it.
I don't know. I am sad that I hurt Yonatan. I am very sad that I am unable to give him what he deserves and that I've been unfair to him.
But also, after we talked yesterday I felt a lightness I'd been missing.
I FELT FREE
I FELT FREE to figure things out on my own again! And be irresponsible
and make mistakes
and not be judged save for by myself and for my own growth
It just didn't feel right to have that kind of stuff coming from outside of me. A teacher, a brother, a lover. While his truth was unending impressive and I learned a lot, I struggled with a feeling like I was being forced to learn things on his terms rather than letting me work them out on my own. I just felt pressure. And I don't know if he was pressuring me actually or where that was coming from but I damn well felt it, okay?
And it's somewhat of a relief to escape his tongues. Welcoming back into this realm of a language I'm used to speaking, I'm used to manipulating and bearing.
He is good. And he insists on being of this human world and sometimes I just couldn't believe that. He'd hate to read some of this.
Other parts would help him understand.
I'm not sure what he thinks of the decision I made in such a roundabout way
I'm not sure what I think of the fact that it had to be so roundabout.
But I wanted to try. Truly, because I felt like he was worth it to me to try.
And it just wasn't coming.
And should I have to try so hard for love? In the beginning, doesn't love simply unravel itself like a red rug to step onto? Isn't it later in love that issues are to be had?
It wasn't coming. Things kept getting in the way and I wasn't able to quell them and it was putting him in too much turmoil and I didn't want to watch myself fail anymore.
So now I'm free
with myself as my guide
my teacher
my lover
my family
And it feels good to fall back into place.
I really confused myself in that. I have feelings for him. In the beginning I was overwhelmed by how incredible our connection was. But the awe of that got lost in the jumble of problems we soon had. I don't feel like this is all my fault. I think we both made mistakes in the beginning, and I couldn't shake the lingering feeling of being analyzed and picked apart by him once all the weird questioning and problem-solving period was over. I sort of felt like I couldn't be myself because I was too naive and inexperienced and if I were to be myself I'd surely make mistakes and disappoint him.
Eventually he taught me that he wanted nothing more than for me to be myself. That was a relief, and I vowed to commit to myself. But then it came to bother me when I realized I was being silenced around him: for some reason he was rendering me silent, rendering me not myself. And then I felt obligated to him.
He'd previously realized aloud: "you just want to be free, don't you?" And I think that yeah, I do just want to be free. And it sucks because I think he's so amazing and true and beautiful and I love him
But even though I know (mentally) he doesn't want anything unreasonable from me,
even though I know (mentally) he's good and he's good to me and he has no intent of making unrealistic demands on me
I cannot shake the feeling that giving him what he deserves will be difficult for me,
that giving him what he deserves will in turn remove me from myself.
And that isn't fair. That isn't fair at all.
I wanted to try, and that's why I asked him back after he'd tried to end things before. I wanted to see if I could do it without sacrificing, if I could learn enough in a short period of time to be good to him, for him, and good for me.
And we improved! Monumentally in a short time. But I was giving him traits and labels and masks that he didn't deserve
it's as if I were unconsciously trying to thwart him -
It was freezing me up. It was causing me pain, the belief that I had to choose between continuing the patterns I've created in my lovely little life the way they've been and bending them to include a love.
Why can't I just have it both ways? I should be able to. But it wasn't coming to me that way. And that's a problem.
Perhaps it was the wrong time. Perhaps he's the wrong person?
Or perhaps I just can't
do
love.
Part of me thinks I'm just broken. That I'll be perfectly content dating my friends and enjoying life as a spinster for the next eighty years. Sure, to be strong. Maybe I'll just never learn how to include someone in my life that way. Maybe I don't need to learn it.
I don't know. I am sad that I hurt Yonatan. I am very sad that I am unable to give him what he deserves and that I've been unfair to him.
But also, after we talked yesterday I felt a lightness I'd been missing.
I FELT FREE
I FELT FREE to figure things out on my own again! And be irresponsible
and make mistakes
and not be judged save for by myself and for my own growth
It just didn't feel right to have that kind of stuff coming from outside of me. A teacher, a brother, a lover. While his truth was unending impressive and I learned a lot, I struggled with a feeling like I was being forced to learn things on his terms rather than letting me work them out on my own. I just felt pressure. And I don't know if he was pressuring me actually or where that was coming from but I damn well felt it, okay?
And it's somewhat of a relief to escape his tongues. Welcoming back into this realm of a language I'm used to speaking, I'm used to manipulating and bearing.
He is good. And he insists on being of this human world and sometimes I just couldn't believe that. He'd hate to read some of this.
Other parts would help him understand.
I'm not sure what he thinks of the decision I made in such a roundabout way
I'm not sure what I think of the fact that it had to be so roundabout.
But I wanted to try. Truly, because I felt like he was worth it to me to try.
And it just wasn't coming.
And should I have to try so hard for love? In the beginning, doesn't love simply unravel itself like a red rug to step onto? Isn't it later in love that issues are to be had?
It wasn't coming. Things kept getting in the way and I wasn't able to quell them and it was putting him in too much turmoil and I didn't want to watch myself fail anymore.
So now I'm free
with myself as my guide
my teacher
my lover
my family
And it feels good to fall back into place.