Brilliant Blood, Beautiful Bones 6/15
Title: Brilliant Blood, Beautiful Bones
Author: lavenderpisha09
Pairings: Ian/Anthony
Rating: R
Genre: AU, Angst
Warning: Depression, Death (of a minor character), and inaccuracies in portraying these themes.
Summary: It’s weird, wanting something you can’t have.
Author's Notes: For thekettletbh who gave me a particularly phenomenal prompt (and for me, since it’s my birthday). I hope you enjoy this fic. This fic was written for Fanfiction Day 2015.
Another important note: I don’t know much about depression, psychology, or software. Now that I’m thinking about it, I actually don’t know much about anything. Everything written here was researched to the best of my ability, but will not be perfect seeing as I have limited knowledge about these topics. Still, I tried. I sincerely apologize for any mistakes I’ve made. Know that it wasn’t my intention to hurt or offend anyone, especially those who are actually suffering from depression. Have I mentioned that I’m not claiming to know everything about mental illnesses in general? Because I really don’t know much about them. I am also not claiming to be qualified enough to be able to write an actual decent story about mental illnesses, I’m sorry.
Last note: I have to thank D, who told me my initial format was shit and helped me clean up the fic’s format, and Kalina, who very helpfully read through my draft and told me what I needed to do with the fic. They’re the absolute best. This is the most challenging fic I’ve had to write yet, and it was an absolute honor (and pleasure) to fill this prompt.
Disclaimer: I do not own Smosh. I do not make money from this.
Part five here.
C:\T271130\IAN HECOX\C280916\RECORDS LOG
PRIVATE RECORDS - PROPERTY OF IAN HECOX, PSY.D.
RECORD LOG #5 (07/14/2020)
Anthony finally snapped. There’s no other word for it. I tried my best to be as patient with him as I possibly could, but I’m not really sure if I succeeded.
He looked really tired. The bags under his eyes somehow got larger, and his face was pale. There were slight tremors on his hands-a sign of lack of sleep. Insomnia, maybe? I might have to talk to Dr. Sohinki about this.
Anthony has been losing muscle density. He hasn’t been eating much, I believe. I thought we had made progress, but apparently not.
I worry for him. I don’t know if I’ll see him next week, since he stormed out of our session.
I hope he comes back.
-.-.-.-
Tuesday, July 14, 2020
Blog Post #6
I feel like an asshole. I snapped at Dr. Hecox, and he was reasonable during the entire thing. God, I feel like an actual dick.
And the worst thing is he was totally right. It’s not his fault, and though he didn’t say it, it’s actually my fault. He promised me he wouldn’t talk about it if I wasn’t comfortable with it, and he did what he told me he would do. I, like an absolute asshole, expected him to lie and talk to me about my issues anyway, instead of trusting him.
I feel terrible.
I didn’t even say sorry. I just up and left.
He was right. I’m not going to get better if I don’t cooperate with him. This isn’t something he can do by himself. All these weeks of me going to therapy sessions just because Mari wanted me to instead of going because I actually want to get better weren’t good for anything, because they were forced and I was uncooperative.
I should go back and apologize.
-.-.-.-
C:\SCRC\SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE\INTERNAL\OBSERVATION ROOM 1\CAM3\2020.07.21\1201-2400
{CLASSIFIED}
{ADMIN=D.SOHINKI}
{PASSWORD= ********}
{13:59:24}
Padilla: Hi.
Hecox: Oh. Uh, hi.
Padilla: I’m sorry about last time.
Hecox: It’s fine.
Padilla: It’s not fine.
Hecox: Well, it was understandable, at least. To be honest, I didn’t know if you were going to show up today.
Padilla: I almost didn’t. I was too embarrassed.
Hecox: Embarrassed? Why?
Padilla: Dude, are you kidding me? I shouted at you. You’re my therapist. That’s a pretty solid indicator that there’s something seriously wrong with me.
Hecox: I didn’t need you to shout at me to figure out that you needed my help, Anthony. You still do, actually. And I’m more than willing to continue our sessions.
Padilla: Yeah, I know. I’m sorry if I messed up the whole research you guys have going on.
Hecox: What? Do you think I’m only helping you because of the study?
Padilla: Yes?
Hecox: Well, you’re wrong. I’m not saying that the study isn’t important, because it definitely is, but you’re more important than some study. I promise you.
Padilla: I think we’ve established that I’m not so great with people promising things to me.
Hecox: Well I think we’ve established that I keep my promises.
[Padilla laughs]
Hecox: So, are we okay?
Padilla: I don’t know. Are we?
Hecox: I think so.
Padilla: Great. And, uh, I’m sorry. Again.
Hecox: Forgiven and forgotten. So what do you want to talk about today?
Padilla: I was, uh, thinking about what you said last time, and uh, I realized that you were actually right.
Hecox: About what?
Padilla: About…this. This whole thing. How I’ve been more or less depending on you to do all the heavy lifting in this, uh, scenario. How I was hoping you’d be able to make me better without me having to commit to this kind of thing.
Hecox: Ah. And what did you think about that?
Padilla: I thought you were right.
Hecox: Anthony, be honest with me. Do you want my help? I know you were uncertain about this from the very beginning, so please feel free to tell me if you’re only here because you feel like you’re being forced to.
Padilla: Uh, okay. I’m not going to lie, so, yeah. Yes, I was. At the beginning, I only came here because my friend Mari kept telling me to go to therapy. She was worried for me. My best friend just, uh, died, and I was a mess. [clears throat] I still am.
Hecox: Are you ready to talk about your best friend?
Padilla: I, uhm. I guess so.
Hecox: All right. So…your best friend.
Padilla: Uh, yeah. His name’s Ryan. Was. Uh, yeah. God.
Hecox: How did you and Ryan meet?
Padilla: Can we, uh, talk about this another time? I’m sorry, I just. I don’t think I’m as ready as I thought I was.
Hecox: Yeah, definitely. It’s fine. Is there something else you would like to talk about?
Padilla: [chuckling] Let’s play Reapers V?
[Hecox laughs]
-.-.-.-
C:\T271130\IAN HECOX\C280916\RECORDS LOG
PRIVATE RECORDS - PROPERTY OF IAN HECOX, PSY.D.
RECORD LOG #6 (07/21/2020)
Anthony came back. I didn’t think he would, but he did, and for that, I’m glad.
Today, he tried talking about his best friend. We’ve been making progress, which is great. This is our sixth session, and though we haven’t been doing hour-long sessions yet, Anthony has shown great potential in possibly being ready for longer sessions in the near future. The fact that he willingly breached the topic of his best friend is already a huge step in the right direction. I can only hope this will continue.
Before we talked about his best friend, he apologized to me and admitted that I was right. I think what I said to him during our last session helped immensely, even though I would never say those words to another client ever again. I’m glad what I told him during our last session helped him-the week before this session, I was constantly worrying about him not coming back because of a mistake I shouldn’t have made.
Those issues aside, I’m truly excited about our next session. I’m hoping that during our next session, he’ll be able to fully talk about some of the issues plaguing his mind. Earlier today, he had chosen to play Reapers V when he couldn’t talk anymore, and I found it extremely ironic how play therapy, something that’s designed to help someone be able to communicate, was working against me.
Here’s to longer, more fruitful sessions with Anthony.
-.-.-.-
Tuesday, July 21, 2020
Blog Post #7
I’m not ready to talk about Ryan. I thought I was, but apparently, I wasn’t, and I’m really thankful that Dr. Hecox didn’t force me to talk about him more.
I’m not the sharing-and-caring kind of guy, so it was pretty uncomfortable for me when I started trying to talk about these things with him. He didn’t push for more details than what I was willing to provide, so I’m thankful for that.
Ryan is still a sore subject. Hell, even writing about the guy is so fucking hard, I have to force myself to calm down and type the letters one by one. In all the years we’ve been friends, I never really imagined what it would be like to have to live without him by my side. The idea sounds gay, I know, but it’s the truth. The idea of me and him not being by each other’s side was such a ridiculous idea that I just never really thought about it. I guess I just didn’t look far into the future enough.
I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. Sometimes, whenever I can actually stand to go on Youtube and watch short videos here and there, I unconsciously start to text him the link of a video, only to realize he won’t be able to watch it. I keep thinking that he’ll appear anytime soon, that he’ll just barge into my apartment one of these days with a six-pack and a box of pizza.
There are five stages of grief, right? Is it possible to be in both the denial stage and the depression stage?
God, I’m a mess.
-.-.-.-
From Superfame, 28th of March, 2020:
Anthony Padilla leaving Youtube?
Earlier today, Anthony Padilla of Smosh tweeted this:
Anthony Padilla (@smoshanthony)
Hey guys. I won’t be in Smosh videos for a little while. I just need to take care of some things. Sorry about that.
9:14 PM - 28 March 2020
While it’s not exactly a secret that Smosh, as both a brand and a group that consists of friends, has been struggling since Ryan Todd’s death just earlier this month, fans hadn’t seen this coming. Padilla, a veteran to making Youtube videos-Smosh has been around for almost as long as Youtube-has been in the industry for 15 years, and the thought of Youtube without him is not only surprising, but is also making fans more than mildly uncomfortable.
Almost immediately after the tweet was posted, fans started talking. Just how long is “a little while”? And what exactly are the “things” that Padilla has to take care of? Does it have anything to do with his best friend Ryan Todd?
Whatever it might be, fans are left to speculate. Padilla didn’t answer any tweet sent to him by the fans, and though the other members of the Smosh brand were supportive of his decision (David Moss, more commonly known as “Lasercorn”, and Matt Sohinki both retweeted the tweet, while Joshua Ovenshire, Mari Takahashi, and Amra Ricketts replied to him, saying they supported him), none of them answered the fans’ questions. Nonetheless, this didn’t discourage fans from taking to Twitter and Youtube, asking all the questions everyone is dying to have answered.
Among the questions that are surfacing, however, there is one thing to be sure of: the Youtube community will miss Anthony Padilla.
-.-.-.-
C:\SCRC\SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE\INTERNAL\OBSERVATION ROOM 1\CAM3\2020.07.28\1201-2400
{CLASSIFIED}
{ADMIN=D.SOHINKI}
{PASSWORD= ********}
{14:00:16}
Hecox: So, what do you want to talk about today?
Padilla: I guess, uh, my best friend. Ryan. Yeah.
Hecox: All right. What was he like?
Padilla: He’s great. Uhm. I mean, he was great. He was the best friend anyone could ask for.
Hecox: How did you meet?
Padilla: We met in sixth grade. He was a classmate.
Hecox: Sixth grade? That’s…a long time.
Padilla: Yeah. A teacher paired us up for a project. We enjoyed ourselves, yeah, but we weren’t really close after that. We were just, kind of, uh, acquaintances. [chuckles] Okay, maybe not acquaintances. We were friends. We just weren’t the friends we are now. I mean, the friends we were before he, uh, died.
Hecox: What kind of friends were you?
Padilla: We weren’t best friends or anything like that, but we were part of this group of friends. He was the new kid in the group, so I was closer to some of the others than to him.
Hecox: When did you become best friends?
Padilla: Eighth grade, I think.
Hecox: How did you become best friends?
Padilla: My, uh, girlfriend broke up with me. All the other guys weren’t really interested in consoling me beyond the polite apologies, the “I’m sorry’s” and “that sucks, man”. Ryan, he, uh, helped. He didn’t really talk about my relationship or anything as unsubtle as that, but he kept inviting me to his house to play games and he kept bringing me pizza. I didn’t realize it was his way of helping me feel better until I got broken up with again.
Hecox: So Ryan was kind of mothering?
Padilla: [smiles] Yeah, definitely. We were all immature, since we were all in high school, but he was definitely the most mature of us all.
Hecox: What was he like in high school? Besides being the most mature one in your group of friends?
Padilla: He was…a nerd. We all were. [laughs] None of the girls wanted to date him, but he didn’t really care. The other guys gave him shit about it, but he shrugged it off. He was insanely good with a camera. We all thought he wanted to be a photographer, but he said he actually wanted to be a director one day.
Hecox: Did he become a director?
Padilla: In a way, I guess. When we started the whole Youtube thing, I was always content to let him do the directing in addition to the acting. I know he wanted to try directing movies, though.
Hecox: He liked movies?
Padilla: Yeah. He loved them. He was the type of guy who would go to the cinema at midnight just to see the premiere of the newest Marvel movie.
Hecox: He loved comic book movies?
Padilla: As I said before: he was a nerd. When we were in high school, he used to show me Batman, Wolverine, and Gambit comic books. As we grew up, he began to show more interest in serious movies. You know, those arthouse films. Pretentious movies that I couldn’t stay awake for.
Hecox: Ah. Did he try getting you to watch them?
Padilla: [chuckles] He did. I kept falling asleep, every time, until he eventually just stopped. [sighs] I just-I didn’t, uh. I wish I gave those movies a chance, I mean.
Hecox: You can still watch them now, you know that, right? He may not be here to watch them with you, but if you want to give them a chance, you can still do it. At any rate, it can give you something to write about in your blog.
Padilla: I guess I’ll think about it.
Hecox: If there’s anything I want you to figure out from these sessions, Anthony, it’s this: your best friend may be gone, but you aren’t. If the situations were reversed, I know you wouldn’t want your best friend to stay like this.
Padilla: I know. God, I know. You think that isn’t what Mari’s point was when she told me to go get help? I’ve heard those words directed to me so many times, Ian. They don’t help. There’s this…guilt, and it’s still there, and no matter how many times I hear people tell me that I shouldn’t be wallowing in guilt, I don’t stop. It’s not a switch I can flick whenever I want. You should know this.
Hecox: I know.
Padilla: Good.
Hecox: Why do you feel guilty?
Padilla: I don’t-I, uh, I don’t know.
Hecox: I’m not going to ask you to think about it now. It’s something that we can maybe talk about during a later session, when you’ve had more time to think about your answer. Unless…do you want to talk about it now?
Padilla: No, I uh-I’d appreciate more time.
Hecox: All right. What else do you want to talk about?
Padilla: You. I’ve been talking all these sessions, and you’ve done nothing but listen. I want to hear more about you.
Hecox: If you haven’t noticed, it’s my job to listen.
Padilla: [laughs] I know. I know it’s your job to talk too, so talk.
Hecox: [smiles] All right, what do you want to know?
Padilla: Do you have any hobbies?
Hecox: I play video games, mostly. I run sometimes. I’m a fan of binge-watching shows and movies. What else? Hm, I like driving aimlessly, when I can afford the gas, and sometimes I travel.
Padilla: Any particular place you want to go to?
Hecox: Definitely Japan. I’ve been dreaming of driving a go-kart down city streets in a Mario costume for ages.
Padilla: [laughs] That sounds…dangerous.
Hecox: And fun.
Padilla: Definitely. I want to go to Japan too, but I never really thought about doing that.
Hecox: Hey, you know what? We can totally go to Japan together and do that shit. It would be awesome.
Padilla: [laughs] You’re crazy.
Hecox: I’m not. I will totally let you be Mario if you have an issue with being Luigi, by the way.
Padilla: Uh huh.
Hecox: Or do you want to be Peach instead?
Padilla: [laughs] I’m done with this conversation.
[Hecox laughs]
Part seven here.