How To Be Smooooove by Lavender Jones
I know what you are thinking. You're thinking "Lavvie, how can I possibly EVAR be as cool as you are?" Well, I'll give you some pointers:
1) Wake in the am, look lovingly and sexily (it is too a word!) at your bed partner, and while smoothing back your hair poke yourself in the eyeball. The men go WILD for that sort of thing. After you have definitely sustained an injury, proceed to drive for ten hours and tear up the majority of the way. This part is just for kicks. Epilogue: That was early on Saturday, I ended up going to Emerg with a very swollen eye on Sunday. the swelling has gone down today and I expect it to be back to normal tomorrow.
2) Go to a very nice restaurant with your beau. Enjoy the meal, but do not drink alcohol. Instead, drink water with loads of ice, and when you are down near the bottom of the glass, try that last slurp, bringing the remaining water up in front of the ice which slams down onto your upper lip, thus slathering your nose, lower face, and cool black short which shows off your breasts to perfection, with water. Repeat three minutes later.
3) While showering and getting extra clean punch yourself in the mouth. Produce blood. SMOOOOVE.
4) While getting dressed, ensure you are standing under a large and low ceiling fan which, if connected with properly, will smack a major blood vessel on your hand causing a lovely swelling to occur. Repeat two weeks later with your finger.
5) Walk briskly past the closets in your bedroom making sure to smack the back of your forearm against the heavy, metal, door handles thus causing a swelling which should (if done correctly) produce enough tenderness to the area to wake you up in the middle of the night for several nights, and leave a bruise which doesn't surface until two weeks later. Don't repeat, it was SMOOOVE enough the first time.
That's all for now, if you are TOO cool, no one will feel comfortable being in your presence. Too much to follow, really.
1) Wake in the am, look lovingly and sexily (it is too a word!) at your bed partner, and while smoothing back your hair poke yourself in the eyeball. The men go WILD for that sort of thing. After you have definitely sustained an injury, proceed to drive for ten hours and tear up the majority of the way. This part is just for kicks. Epilogue: That was early on Saturday, I ended up going to Emerg with a very swollen eye on Sunday. the swelling has gone down today and I expect it to be back to normal tomorrow.
2) Go to a very nice restaurant with your beau. Enjoy the meal, but do not drink alcohol. Instead, drink water with loads of ice, and when you are down near the bottom of the glass, try that last slurp, bringing the remaining water up in front of the ice which slams down onto your upper lip, thus slathering your nose, lower face, and cool black short which shows off your breasts to perfection, with water. Repeat three minutes later.
3) While showering and getting extra clean punch yourself in the mouth. Produce blood. SMOOOOVE.
4) While getting dressed, ensure you are standing under a large and low ceiling fan which, if connected with properly, will smack a major blood vessel on your hand causing a lovely swelling to occur. Repeat two weeks later with your finger.
5) Walk briskly past the closets in your bedroom making sure to smack the back of your forearm against the heavy, metal, door handles thus causing a swelling which should (if done correctly) produce enough tenderness to the area to wake you up in the middle of the night for several nights, and leave a bruise which doesn't surface until two weeks later. Don't repeat, it was SMOOOVE enough the first time.
That's all for now, if you are TOO cool, no one will feel comfortable being in your presence. Too much to follow, really.