Fanfic: Cut Your Little Heart Out ('Cause You Made Me Cry), girl!Sam/Ruby
Title: Cut Your Little Heart Out ('Cause You Made Me Cry)
Characters/Pairing: girl!Sam/Ruby
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 5,500
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any characters (except maybe girl!Sam). Title from Florence and the Machine
Summary: After Dean's deal ends bloody, Sam is left alone in the world. Except for Ruby. Ruby's always right there.
Warnings: Sex. Dark themes, possible triggers. If you have consent issues with 4.09, you probably will here.
Notes: Written for Bridget for spn_fs_exchange because I love her endlessly.
Beta: opheliahyde, madeelly and riveryklown.
Cross-posted to spn_fs_exchange and it is the first post at femmeslasht00bs!
The phone rings and she knows it’s Bobby. No one else has the number. No one alive, that is, and as stubborn as Dean is, even he’s not calling from the grave. Bobby calls every day even though she doesn’t answer. Usually, that’s the kind of boundless optimism Sam would appreciate, except for the part where just hearing the sound of the ringtone makes her want to shoot herself. Sometimes it confuses even her that she leaves it on, but she knows Dean paid her cell phone bill with his last credit card before he died. It feels like when they finally cancel the plan, maybe everything will feel over and done.
Pretty much everything these days makes her want to shoot herself. She’s been close a few times, gun to her head, barrel in her mouth until she can taste the metal and residue that would come with blasting her brains against the wall. No matter how drunk or on edge she is, she can’t pull the trigger. The gun just sits there in her mouth for minutes, hours, until she passes out or throws it away.
All she can think of is the way Dean looked at her as the clock struck twelve, the way he held her until it was over, the way he would haunt everyone in the world if his baby ended up in some sort of impound lot. It makes her stop and think and her mind goes a little crazy, but she can’t do that. She can’t do to him what he did to her.
She promised she wouldn’t be her father.
Ruby comes in like she always does, quietly and without a lot of ceremony. She just walks in through the door that Sam never locks because why would she? What does she care who’s coming and going? The entryway isn’t lined with salt; too much effort. She figures that if something wants in bad enough, salt isn’t going to stop them. And she isn’t either.
“I brought you food,” Ruby says. Her new body is smaller than Sam and she isn’t sure what to make of it. It seems fragile, breakable, things that she wouldn’t associate with Ruby. It’s one of the things Dean said was useful about having a little sister-No one expects you to be able to throw a punch. False sense of security and shit.
Rolling onto her back, Sam stares up at the ceiling. “I’m not hungry.”
When Ruby sits on the bed, it almost doesn’t move under her weight. She seems hollow, the empty body echoing around the demon inhabiting it. It makes Sam think of what would happen without hellhounds, Dean’s body still breathing, heart still beating as his soul screamed in hell. Her stomach turns at the idea and she closes her eyes to fight off the vertigo.
She leans over Sam, brown hair falling into her face. “You say that every time. You need to eat something.”
Fishing for the neck of the bottle on the floor next to the hotel bed, Sam holds up the half empty container of Jack and waves it in her face. “I’m good.”
Sam can smell the fries as Ruby starts unloading the food on to the small side table. “Your loss,” she says, squirting a ketchup packet into the corner of the Styrofoam container. “I got fries and onion rings because sometimes you need a little variety. Burger, chocolate cake…” She takes the box and opens it in front of Sam’s face so she can see the generous portions of chocolate on chocolate with extra chocolate on top. “Did I mention chocolate cake?”
“Yeah, I heard you the first time.” Sam turns away, trying to ignore the sickening feeling of hunger mixing with nausea.
Ruby rolls her eyes. “You need to eat.” She pokes Sam in the side. “You’re getting a little skinny.”
She’s desperate not to laugh because it would turn into a sob and she didn’t realize you could still cry when you were this dehydrated. Dean always hated skinny chicks. He’d roll his eyes and wrap his arm around her waist and it’d turn into tickling and he’d make her laugh until she was crying. Her chest hurts from the memory, from holding everything in.
Sam jerks when the phone rings, burying her head into the pillow so she can pretend not to hear. Picking it up, Ruby says, “It’s Bobby. Do you want me to answer it?”
“Don’t,” she says harshly, rolling over to glare at her. She feels bad for ignoring Bobby; he was always so good to her. Sam can’t be good to anyone right now.
“I can pick it up, update him on some things.”
She stands up quickly, grabbing the phone out of her hand and throwing it against the wall. “I am not in the mood for you today, Ruby.” The demon meets her eyes for a minute before looking away, lowering her gaze in submission. This small act of defiance exhausts Sam and she turns back to the bed, snuggling into the filthy motel blanket.
With a sigh, Ruby takes the other side of the bed-Dean’s side of the bed-laying with her and watching her closely. Sam rolls towards her, hating herself for wanting a presence, for yearning for someone to just be there. Ruby’s hair hangs down, dark waves mixing with Sam’s until they almost become indistinguishable. “I actually did some work today,” Ruby says, voice unnaturally light. Sam refuses to be baited, not looking at her until Ruby starts playing with their hair, dim lamps of the room making the brown of Sam’s stand out like a light in the darkness.
Finally, Sam locks her eyes on Ruby. “Yeah?”
“Got some Lilith leads. There’s someone we might need to…talk to.” She always said ‘talk to’ like that, like she meant something so much worse but didn’t want to offend Sam’s delicate sensibilities (like she had any left after watching her brother being ripped to shreds). Nothing worse ever came. Sam was almost hoping it would, that everything would just start and go and be over already. “A little north of here, few hours up in Montana.”
She nods. “Alright. I’ll leave in the morning.” She has already paid for the night, as if that really mattered. Mostly she can’t make herself get up now.
Grinning, Ruby picks up one of the take out boxes, holding it open to reveal curly fries. “You’re going to need to keep your strength up.” Huffing out a breath, Sam rolls her eyes, but takes a few fries, chewing on them and savoring the saltiness-cold fries were still better than most food. Ruby smiles, laying next to Sam and resting the box on top of where their hips met. She watches as Sam reaches for more fries.
“That’s my girl,” Sam hears her whisper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The hotel room in Montana is the same as any other room. They started to blend together back in Broward County, and it never ends. A door, a bathroom, two beds. Always two beds, just in case. Ruby stretches out on the second one, her smile far too much a smirk for Sam’s liking. “This one for me?”
She doesn’t answer. Being alone for so long has helped her notice how few times words were actually needed. Dean had never really understood that. He clogged up their life with words to distract her from how meaningful everything else was, the occasional touch, hug, sidelong glance. But she always saw it. It was why they worked so well. They always saw each other.
Ruby watches her as she goes through the bedtime activities her father had drilled into her so long ago. Protection for the beds, knives under the pillow, something to help sleep through the night. The bottle of whiskey is another thing she picked up from him and she takes a swig before setting it down on the nightstand. Her container of salt is still heavy and full; she almost feels strong enough to go through the effort of lining the door and windows, but doesn’t want to give Ruby an excuse to stick around longer than she has to.
Settling on the bed, she closes her eyes, too tired and hungry to do much else. In a few minutes, she knows she’ll have the strength to at least ask Ruby to order a pizza, but she wants to fade away for a moment. Sam needs time to forget why she’s here, why she’s alive, why she’s sharing a room with a demon instead of her big brother. The ‘why’ always seems to come back around to being her fault and without a break, the weight of her own guilt would crush her into nothing.
Suddenly, the bed shakes underneath her and she sits up, gasping. Ruby blinks in surprise next to her, holding a handful of quarters. “Magic fingers,” she says as if it were completely natural, as if she was doing Sam some sort of favor. “You looked like you could use it.”
She doesn’t know what that means and she doesn’t want to know. “I’m taking a shower,” she says, getting off the bed as quickly as possible. Her body is still shaking as she rifles through her bag. “Do something useful and at least get some food.” Without waiting for an answer, she storms into the bathroom, locking the door behind her as if that meant anything. Everything she did these days was symbolic.
The bathroom counter is abnormally large, and she’s thankful that she can just dump everything on it before kneeling down in front of the toilet, emptying her stomach of the alcohol and breakfast sandwich she had inhaled on the road. She spits until she feels better, the amulet clanging against the rim of the toilet bowl and echoing in her head.
It takes a few minutes for the shower water to heat up and she leans against the wall, stripped of everything but Dean’s necklace, hair hanging limply in her face as she stares at the dark grout of the tile floors. She can hear the television back in the room, Ruby saying to guess a T and that only stupid people buy a vowel. The water is warm and she stands under it until it runs cold and she shivers trying to turn the knob off.
She slips on a pair of sweatpants and one of Dean’s t-shirts, pulling her wet hair off her face into a ponytail. The shirt still smells like him, a scent that defined her childhood but was far too personal to ever put into words. She drowns in the fabric; it’s for comfort, not for fighting, and she’s okay with that. She tucks the amulet beneath the collar. If Ruby’s going to kill her, at least it will be in Dean’s shirt.
There’s Chinese food on the small table when she comes out of the bathroom and Ruby smiles at her. “Got you something to eat.”
“Thanks,” she says softly, throwing the laundry in the corner before digging through the boxes. She takes some chicken fried rice and egg rolls back to her bed, corners of her mouth twitching up into something of a long lost cousin of the smile when Ruby passes her a cold beer. “What are we watching?”
“The Bachelor.”
She’s hungrier than she thought, but it doesn’t help her from taking a second to snort in derision, even putting her chopsticks down to stare at Ruby. “Why?”
“It’s an interesting anthropologic look at popular culture,” she says. Sam just stares, munching into an egg roll until Ruby shrugs. “It was the only channel that didn’t come in fuzzy.”
It makes sense and as she leans back against her pillows, Sam’s almost glad that this is the only thing on. She has no connections to this show and she watches these girls with their hopes up, excited about a stupid flower, put all their dreams on the type of guy who would go on a show just to have an excuse to date a bunch of women. Somehow, she comes out of the hour envying them, envying their optimism even as they go home crying.
“What are we doing tomorrow?” she says, looking hopelessly over at Ruby. The demon rolls onto her side, facing Sam with a look of complete openness that makes Sam want to pick up the blanket, cover herself and hide from it. She can’t do raw anymore.
“There’s a…friend of Lilith I had a plan to meet with. I thought you could come after we get our information, you could…practice.” Sam winces at the idea and it’s clear from her sigh that Ruby sees it. “Sam, you have to. It’s the only-”
“It’s the only way, I know.” She can’t even muster up any sort of righteous indignation. Maybe that was always Dean’s too. She can’t remember anymore.
Ruby sits up and stares at her. “We can’t do this the way you are now. If you want revenge-”
She shakes her head to cut Ruby off. “Not revenge. Negotiations.” Revenge became a dirty word to her a long time ago. It came from growing up a Winchester. She was different. She wasn’t going to be like them.
“Whatever you wanna call it, you’ve got to have something to back it up.” There’s a ring of compassion in her tone that covers Sam in a cloud of pity and she’s drowning in it. “You can’t just go after her with nothing. I mean, if you had listened to me before Dean’s deal was up…” She sighs, shrugs as if Sam had lost a shoe and not the only person left in the world who meant a damn to her. “Maybe I wouldn’t be the one in this bed right now.”
The lump in Sam’s throat makes it hard to breathe, so she just nods and pushes her pillows down, burrowing into them. “I’m going to bed. You can leave the TV on.” If sleep doesn’t come, she’ll just drink herself into unconsciousness. The Winchester way.
Ruby picks up a quarter from the side table. “You sure you don’t want it?”
“I’m good,” she says, almost laughing at how she can even manage a lie like that. She turns towards the wall and tries to sleep, the rumbling of Ruby’s Magic Fingers keeping her up long into the night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Off the top of her head, she can’t think of too many things worse than a demon laughing at her, taunting her. He tilts his head to the side, smiling almost sincerely. “You Winchesters never give up, do you?” There’s a lilting taunt to his tone that makes her hair stand on edge. “Your parents got themselves killed and you’re here while your brother is screaming down in hell.” She tries to block out the words, but he doesn’t stop. “They slice and cut and he screams. Do you scream too, little girl?”
Locking her knees, she stands her ground, focusing past his voice. It feels almost like she can see it, the darkness eclipsing the soul of whoever’s in there, locked in the body Ruby had tied to the chair. She thinks that maybe he has kids, a family that he needs to get back to. Maybe a dog. It doesn’t help, but she pretends it does. It’s just another thing to beat herself up for after.
Sam closes her eyes and reaches out her arm, all of her concentration on that blackness. She thinks about it exploding, dying, screaming and it sounds like Dean’s voice in her head, calling out. Slowly, she pulls it with her mind and it fights her until her face is dripping with sweat from more than just the heat of the room.
The demon jerks against his bindings and the connection is broken. He laughs as she stumbles back against Ruby. “It’s okay, Sam,” she says quietly in her ear. “It’s okay, you almost had it.”
Sam cringes against the sound of his laugh, turning closer towards Ruby. “I don’t want to do this anymore.” It’s defeatist and she’s okay with that.
“Sam, come on. You can do it.” Her small hands hold Sam’s shoulders and Sam looks up into her brown eyes. “You can’t let him win.”
“C’mon, Ruby,” the demon says. “You really think you and the princess over there can take Lilith?”
Ruby’s thumb brushes against Sam’s cheek. “One more, Sam.”
She swallows hard, mind filled with the possibilities of just lying down and never getting up. Her thoughts go to that place, the place that worries her, the part where she wonders what would happen if everything ended, if she ended. Would she be with Dean? Was that even an option?
Mourning is supposed to get better, but it feels like every day she’s another step closer to actively campaigning for Hell.
Turning around, she rolls her shoulders, trying not to let the demon see her tremble. His smirk would normally make her blood run cold, but she’s too tired to react. “I wonder what kind of prize Lilith would bring me if I showed up with your head on a pike.”
There’s a splash and a scream and Ruby stands there with the empty bucket as the demon writhes in pain from the holy water. She nods at Sam. “Give it a try.”
She takes a deep, shuddering breath and closes her eyes against the black stares. It feels easier this time, and she isn’t sure whether to attribute that to the holy water or if she’s actually getting better at this. Her mind pulls and guides, a push and nudge until the demon chokes out, “Pittsburgh! She’s in Pittsburgh!”
Sam freezes, ready to hear what he has to say when she feels Ruby behind her, hands bracing Sam’s back with more strength than Sam knew that small body possessed. “Keep going,” she whispers in Sam’s ear. “You’ve got him.”
The full body shiver almost makes her lose grip, but she holds strong, clenching her jaw and staring straight ahead and ignoring the pounding in her head, behind her eyes, throughout her entire body. Ruby becomes a more solid presence backing her up as Sam reaches down into her depths for whatever strength she can muster. There is no angel on her shoulder; there’s just a demon leading the way.
Her knees go weak as the first of the black smoke starts pouring out of the demon, burning the concrete floor of the warehouse. She falls slowly, steadying herself with her free hand until there’s nothing left of the demon, then she collapses, curling into herself, stretched across that line between hope and dying.
Ruby lifts her up and leans her against the wall, holding a scrap of cloth to Sam’s nose. She doesn’t realize it’s bleeding until Ruby pulls it away and scoffs at the scarlet stain. “Can you stand?” she says and Sam can’t even manage to shake her head no. Sighing, Ruby supports Sam against her body, practically dragging her out to the Impala.
Sam leans against the familiar body of the car as Ruby digs through her hoodie pocket for the keys. The world seems spotty, the sequence of events not making sense and she only briefly remembers Ruby buckling her in. Sometime before they reach the motel, she must have lost consciousness, only regaining it as Ruby pulls her into the room and sits her on the bed. She seems satisfied when she notices that Sam is alive and awake. “Are you okay?”
When Sam coughs dryly, Ruby grabs her a bottle of water from the mini-fridge and holds it to her lips as she drinks down the entirety of it. She can taste the smoke in her mouth. Lying back on the bed, she reaches down until she can find the bottle of whiskey, taking several long swigs as Ruby looks on disapprovingly. “You’re drinking too much.”
Sam rolls her eyes. “I just exorcised a demon with my mind. I think I deserve a drink.” Her voice is still rough and raw and she hates the sound of it. Still, she looks at Ruby. “The…the person that…”
Ruby shakes her head. “Dead before we even got there. Alaric was never big on letting them live.”
She bites her bottom lip and closes her eyes, a stray tear rolling down the side of her face and into the blanket. “Right."
“You can’t save everyone, Sam.”
Laughing bitterly, she turns her face into the bed. “Yeah, I realized that back in May.”
Ruby sits on the bed, cool hand brushing against the heated skin of her face, soothing her throbbing head as she strokes Sam’s hair. “You did so good though, Sam. The body would have been dead either way.”
Her hand curls into the blanket, holding on tightly. “I can’t do this, Ruby. I can’t. I’m not good enough, I’ll never learn, I’ll never get Dean back. It’s too hard.”
“Are you giving up?” Sam doesn’t answer and Ruby eases her into a sitting position, making Sam look at her through the tears in her eyes. “You’re just going to let Dean suffer in hell? He sold his soul for you.”
The words hit her so hard that she can’t breathe, shoulders shaking with dry sobs. Her head falls to Ruby’s shoulder and she buries her head against the demon’s neck, searching for balance, for anything to hold her down so she doesn’t break apart. Shushing her quietly, Ruby sits there, letting Sam’s tears fall between them.
Sam stays there, small hiccups rocking her body. “What the hell does Pittsburgh even mean?”
“I don’t know. We’ll go there and find out.” Ruby looks down at Sam for a long time, eyes giving away no secrets until Sam is squirming uncomfortably. But she doesn’t move as Ruby leans down, pressing her lips against Sam’s.
She waits to gasp until Ruby has pulled away, mouth dry again. “Ruby…”
“What?” she says softly. “You can’t tell me you only like blonds.”
“I…” It’s all the protest she can make, laying boneless against her. Her mind can’t keep up with the day, whirring into a stop and restart and maybe it’s the booze or the damnation or the fact that she tastes like French fries instead of smoke, but when Ruby leans back down, Sam parts her lips, ready.
Ruby adjusts them slightly, moving to the zipper of Sam’s hoodie. Sam shrugs out of the thin material, wrapping her free arm around Ruby’s neck as she pulls her closer. Her skin prickles with cold, a buzz of energy sitting beneath the surface. The mechanics are a little different-Ruby is smaller than anyone’s she’s ever been with, and it makes Sam laugh that that’s what she finds weird about sleeping with a demon.
Everything in the world has gone to her head and she kind of likes it.
Ruby’s fingers start working on her shirt buttons as Sam kisses her, sucking at her tongue. After Ruby gets rid of her blouse, she works on Sam’s, pulling away long enough to get it over her head before easing her back down on the bed. Sam works the closure of Ruby’s bra deftly; she knows this, she’s good at this. It’s like riding a fucking bicycle.
She fumbles with the button of her jeans, everything suddenly feeling tight and constricting. It’s like freedom as she finally kicks them off her legs, pulling Ruby back down to kiss her greedily, sucking and biting like it’s the last night and for all she knows, it is. She’s never been great at last nights.
Small hands remove her bra, and Ruby leans down against her, chest to chest, skin to skin to kiss Sam’s neck, mark her with teeth that were once someone else’s. “Gonna make it better, Sammy,” Ruby hisses in her ear, hand skirting down her panties and slipping underneath them.
Jerking at the unfamiliar touch, Sam’s hips rise off the bed and she’s unsure if she wants to get away or if she’s just desperate for more. Her gaze focuses on the ceiling as Ruby spreads her apart, leaving her open and vulnerable in every way possible. There’s a water stain in the shape of a star on the ceiling and she doesn’t realize that she’s not breathing until Ruby’s kiss on the inside of her thigh makes her gasp.
Biting the inside of her cheek, Sam takes the initiative to remove her panties, sighing in relief as if that is the last step to some major breakthrough. She grabs hold of Ruby’s arm and pulls her down again, head tilted towards her in anticipation. Ruby kisses her as if she’s inhaling her, sucking her in and leaving nothing left. Sam hasn’t felt like this in far too long, perfectly wanted and needed. She missed it.
Ruby nuzzles at her neck and Sam can’t help but make a noise in the back of her throat at the intimacy of it. She doesn’t push her away; she doesn’t stop. She just leans back and closes her eyes as Ruby’s lips trace down her body, licking the sweat off her collarbone and nipping gently at Sam’s hard nipples. A shudder runs through her, one of equal pleasure and uncertainty.
Her hand cups Sam’s breast, letting it spill over before massaging it, running her thumb back and forth over the nipple as she sucks on the other one. Sam moans in pleasure, rubbing her legs together as she feels herself becoming wetter. It’s been forever since she’s felt this good; the feeling is overwhelming and she craves it like she can’t remember craving anything.
Ruby’s still half-clothed and she rubs her leg against Sam’s bare one as she moves up for another kiss. Sam takes her time with Ruby’s mouth, exploring, sucking on her tongue. Lying on top of her, Ruby presses their bodies together, lining them up so they’re flush against each other. Sam bucks her hips, entwining her legs with Ruby’s as she moans into her mouth.
“Gonna make you feel so good, Sammy,” Ruby says, sucking a mark deep into the thin skin of her neck. “Promise. I’ll make you better.”
Words have been beyond Sam for longer than she can remember and she just nods, hands twisting in the blankets. Ruby kisses her way down Sam’s body, dragging her teeth against the skin to leave red marks, lips tracing the soft curve of her hip. Sam feels warm all over when Ruby spreads her legs, flushing with anticipation.
She calls out when Ruby’s tongue touches her, dragging slowly against her sensitive skin. Gasping, her hips buck and she sees stars; she hadn’t grasped how much she needed this. The realization knocks her over in addition to the pleasure rolling through her body.
Ruby’s thumb rubs against her clitoris in tight circles, bringing her up to pull her back down with the long swipe of her tongue. Sam rocks with the rising ecstasy, squeezing her eyes shut. When Ruby nips against her leg, Sam looks at her, knowing she’s being scolded for not watching, for not understanding that there is nothing more important right now than watching Ruby lick her juices off her fingers.
Struggling to keep her eyes open, Sam whimpers as Ruby thrusts two fingers inside her, biting her bottom lip against the thrill. She reaches for a pillow, putting it behind her head so she has something to prop her up to stare at Ruby and hold on to as she tries to keep hold of her sanity. It’s too much and not enough and isn’t that what everything’s always been?
Ruby smirks at her, her mouth everywhere but where Sam needs it, on her hip, stomach, thighs. She feels a million things building inside her and yet, she’s surprised when instead of a groan, a sob escapes her, upper body shaking as her hips thrust up for more attention. The tears come as quickly as the pleas for completion, for something, for change that she’s never been able to achieve.
Finally, Ruby affixes her mouth back where Sam needs it most, sucking on her clit and sending Sam yelling in pleasure. The screams die down back into sobs as Ruby rolls her tongue against Sam, pushing her close to the brink and further from sanity.
She clings to everything left as her body reaches the precipice, mind exploding into a million pieces that can never be put back together as her orgasm consumes her, driving her over the edge to a place where there’s nothing left, only Ruby’s black eyes watching her. Sam’s agony only increases, holding tightly to the pillow and holding it over her face as she cries herself into a restless sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She loads the car up in the morning, squinting against the glare of the sun. Sam doesn’t really remember the last time she was actually outside during the day, experiencing the world as it was meant to be. Her view of the world has always been a little off tilt. That never changes.
After loading her bag in the trunk, lining it up perfectly next to Dean’s still untouched duffle, she climbs in the front seat. The amulet bounces against her chest and when she reaches for it, it’s warm to the touch, hot, almost scalding her. She remembers giving it to Dean, playing with it, tugging at it playfully. It’s the only thing left that retains anything of him. She feels like he’s leaked out of everything else and there’s nothing left.
The passenger door opens and Ruby slips in silently, only the creak of the hinge alerting Sam to her presence. “I got donuts,” she says, holding up the Krispy Kreme box proudly and resting it on the dashboard.
Sam’s mouth goes dry; her view swims as if her brain cannot quite process what’s going on in front of her. “What are you doing?”
She raises an eyebrow at Sam, questioning, patient, before rolling her eyes. “Was I supposed to get you coffee too?”
Bile rises in Sam’s throat and she shakes her head violently to clear everything, to make everything fall back into place, to wake up and have this last year be wiped clean. When she blinks, Ruby’s still sitting there in the passenger seat of Dean’s car and Sam holds on to the steering wheel to keep herself from lashing out. She wants to scream and curse and rip the world to shreds. “What are you doing in this car?”
“We’re going to Pittsburgh,” she says slowly, like she’s afraid Sam has finally cracked and maybe she has.
“You can find some other way to get there.” Her voice is low and calm and it scares her because that’s exactly how her father sounded when she said she was going to Stanford. “Get out of the car.”
Ruby’s sigh is a mixture of exasperation and pity. “Sam…”
“Get out of the car, Ruby.”
“You don’t even know where you’re going.” She speaks as if she’s talking to a child, like Sam needs guidance and she’s some kind of demon Mary Poppins with a spoonful of fucking sugar to make her brother being tortured in hell go down.
Sam’s shaking now, with anger or the desperate need to hang on to her control, she’s not sure. “I know where Pittsburgh is. I’ll catch up. Now get out of the car.”
Ruby opens her mouth to speak, but Sam doesn’t let her get that far. Before she even realizes what she’s doing, her hand finds the flask of holy water Dean kept under his seat-God, of course he did, of course he did--and she’s opening it and throwing it on Ruby as she screams and burns. “Sam! Stop!”
She grabs the knife off Ruby’s belt while her skin is still smoking, holding it to her throat, ready to slice it open right here. “Get out. Of the car.” Ruby disappears as a trickle of blood runs down the blade. Sam drops it on the floor, hands shaking and she rests her head against the steering wheel.
When she’s done dry heaving, she wipes up the excess holy water with the sleeve of her hoodie before catching the few tears she just realizes are rolling down her cheeks. Cracking the window a bit, she sits there for a few long minutes, just trying to control herself from driving off a bridge. It’s about time a Winchester went out with a bang instead of a whimper.
Her eyes catch on the Krispy Kreme box and she reaches in for a glazed, chewing on it slowly. They’re still hot and delicious and she licks her fingers clean before putting the keys in the ignition and starting the Impala.
She really needs a cup of coffee.
Characters/Pairing: girl!Sam/Ruby
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 5,500
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any characters (except maybe girl!Sam). Title from Florence and the Machine
Summary: After Dean's deal ends bloody, Sam is left alone in the world. Except for Ruby. Ruby's always right there.
Warnings: Sex. Dark themes, possible triggers. If you have consent issues with 4.09, you probably will here.
Notes: Written for Bridget for spn_fs_exchange because I love her endlessly.
Beta: opheliahyde, madeelly and riveryklown.
Cross-posted to spn_fs_exchange and it is the first post at femmeslasht00bs!
The phone rings and she knows it’s Bobby. No one else has the number. No one alive, that is, and as stubborn as Dean is, even he’s not calling from the grave. Bobby calls every day even though she doesn’t answer. Usually, that’s the kind of boundless optimism Sam would appreciate, except for the part where just hearing the sound of the ringtone makes her want to shoot herself. Sometimes it confuses even her that she leaves it on, but she knows Dean paid her cell phone bill with his last credit card before he died. It feels like when they finally cancel the plan, maybe everything will feel over and done.
Pretty much everything these days makes her want to shoot herself. She’s been close a few times, gun to her head, barrel in her mouth until she can taste the metal and residue that would come with blasting her brains against the wall. No matter how drunk or on edge she is, she can’t pull the trigger. The gun just sits there in her mouth for minutes, hours, until she passes out or throws it away.
All she can think of is the way Dean looked at her as the clock struck twelve, the way he held her until it was over, the way he would haunt everyone in the world if his baby ended up in some sort of impound lot. It makes her stop and think and her mind goes a little crazy, but she can’t do that. She can’t do to him what he did to her.
She promised she wouldn’t be her father.
Ruby comes in like she always does, quietly and without a lot of ceremony. She just walks in through the door that Sam never locks because why would she? What does she care who’s coming and going? The entryway isn’t lined with salt; too much effort. She figures that if something wants in bad enough, salt isn’t going to stop them. And she isn’t either.
“I brought you food,” Ruby says. Her new body is smaller than Sam and she isn’t sure what to make of it. It seems fragile, breakable, things that she wouldn’t associate with Ruby. It’s one of the things Dean said was useful about having a little sister-No one expects you to be able to throw a punch. False sense of security and shit.
Rolling onto her back, Sam stares up at the ceiling. “I’m not hungry.”
When Ruby sits on the bed, it almost doesn’t move under her weight. She seems hollow, the empty body echoing around the demon inhabiting it. It makes Sam think of what would happen without hellhounds, Dean’s body still breathing, heart still beating as his soul screamed in hell. Her stomach turns at the idea and she closes her eyes to fight off the vertigo.
She leans over Sam, brown hair falling into her face. “You say that every time. You need to eat something.”
Fishing for the neck of the bottle on the floor next to the hotel bed, Sam holds up the half empty container of Jack and waves it in her face. “I’m good.”
Sam can smell the fries as Ruby starts unloading the food on to the small side table. “Your loss,” she says, squirting a ketchup packet into the corner of the Styrofoam container. “I got fries and onion rings because sometimes you need a little variety. Burger, chocolate cake…” She takes the box and opens it in front of Sam’s face so she can see the generous portions of chocolate on chocolate with extra chocolate on top. “Did I mention chocolate cake?”
“Yeah, I heard you the first time.” Sam turns away, trying to ignore the sickening feeling of hunger mixing with nausea.
Ruby rolls her eyes. “You need to eat.” She pokes Sam in the side. “You’re getting a little skinny.”
She’s desperate not to laugh because it would turn into a sob and she didn’t realize you could still cry when you were this dehydrated. Dean always hated skinny chicks. He’d roll his eyes and wrap his arm around her waist and it’d turn into tickling and he’d make her laugh until she was crying. Her chest hurts from the memory, from holding everything in.
Sam jerks when the phone rings, burying her head into the pillow so she can pretend not to hear. Picking it up, Ruby says, “It’s Bobby. Do you want me to answer it?”
“Don’t,” she says harshly, rolling over to glare at her. She feels bad for ignoring Bobby; he was always so good to her. Sam can’t be good to anyone right now.
“I can pick it up, update him on some things.”
She stands up quickly, grabbing the phone out of her hand and throwing it against the wall. “I am not in the mood for you today, Ruby.” The demon meets her eyes for a minute before looking away, lowering her gaze in submission. This small act of defiance exhausts Sam and she turns back to the bed, snuggling into the filthy motel blanket.
With a sigh, Ruby takes the other side of the bed-Dean’s side of the bed-laying with her and watching her closely. Sam rolls towards her, hating herself for wanting a presence, for yearning for someone to just be there. Ruby’s hair hangs down, dark waves mixing with Sam’s until they almost become indistinguishable. “I actually did some work today,” Ruby says, voice unnaturally light. Sam refuses to be baited, not looking at her until Ruby starts playing with their hair, dim lamps of the room making the brown of Sam’s stand out like a light in the darkness.
Finally, Sam locks her eyes on Ruby. “Yeah?”
“Got some Lilith leads. There’s someone we might need to…talk to.” She always said ‘talk to’ like that, like she meant something so much worse but didn’t want to offend Sam’s delicate sensibilities (like she had any left after watching her brother being ripped to shreds). Nothing worse ever came. Sam was almost hoping it would, that everything would just start and go and be over already. “A little north of here, few hours up in Montana.”
She nods. “Alright. I’ll leave in the morning.” She has already paid for the night, as if that really mattered. Mostly she can’t make herself get up now.
Grinning, Ruby picks up one of the take out boxes, holding it open to reveal curly fries. “You’re going to need to keep your strength up.” Huffing out a breath, Sam rolls her eyes, but takes a few fries, chewing on them and savoring the saltiness-cold fries were still better than most food. Ruby smiles, laying next to Sam and resting the box on top of where their hips met. She watches as Sam reaches for more fries.
“That’s my girl,” Sam hears her whisper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The hotel room in Montana is the same as any other room. They started to blend together back in Broward County, and it never ends. A door, a bathroom, two beds. Always two beds, just in case. Ruby stretches out on the second one, her smile far too much a smirk for Sam’s liking. “This one for me?”
She doesn’t answer. Being alone for so long has helped her notice how few times words were actually needed. Dean had never really understood that. He clogged up their life with words to distract her from how meaningful everything else was, the occasional touch, hug, sidelong glance. But she always saw it. It was why they worked so well. They always saw each other.
Ruby watches her as she goes through the bedtime activities her father had drilled into her so long ago. Protection for the beds, knives under the pillow, something to help sleep through the night. The bottle of whiskey is another thing she picked up from him and she takes a swig before setting it down on the nightstand. Her container of salt is still heavy and full; she almost feels strong enough to go through the effort of lining the door and windows, but doesn’t want to give Ruby an excuse to stick around longer than she has to.
Settling on the bed, she closes her eyes, too tired and hungry to do much else. In a few minutes, she knows she’ll have the strength to at least ask Ruby to order a pizza, but she wants to fade away for a moment. Sam needs time to forget why she’s here, why she’s alive, why she’s sharing a room with a demon instead of her big brother. The ‘why’ always seems to come back around to being her fault and without a break, the weight of her own guilt would crush her into nothing.
Suddenly, the bed shakes underneath her and she sits up, gasping. Ruby blinks in surprise next to her, holding a handful of quarters. “Magic fingers,” she says as if it were completely natural, as if she was doing Sam some sort of favor. “You looked like you could use it.”
She doesn’t know what that means and she doesn’t want to know. “I’m taking a shower,” she says, getting off the bed as quickly as possible. Her body is still shaking as she rifles through her bag. “Do something useful and at least get some food.” Without waiting for an answer, she storms into the bathroom, locking the door behind her as if that meant anything. Everything she did these days was symbolic.
The bathroom counter is abnormally large, and she’s thankful that she can just dump everything on it before kneeling down in front of the toilet, emptying her stomach of the alcohol and breakfast sandwich she had inhaled on the road. She spits until she feels better, the amulet clanging against the rim of the toilet bowl and echoing in her head.
It takes a few minutes for the shower water to heat up and she leans against the wall, stripped of everything but Dean’s necklace, hair hanging limply in her face as she stares at the dark grout of the tile floors. She can hear the television back in the room, Ruby saying to guess a T and that only stupid people buy a vowel. The water is warm and she stands under it until it runs cold and she shivers trying to turn the knob off.
She slips on a pair of sweatpants and one of Dean’s t-shirts, pulling her wet hair off her face into a ponytail. The shirt still smells like him, a scent that defined her childhood but was far too personal to ever put into words. She drowns in the fabric; it’s for comfort, not for fighting, and she’s okay with that. She tucks the amulet beneath the collar. If Ruby’s going to kill her, at least it will be in Dean’s shirt.
There’s Chinese food on the small table when she comes out of the bathroom and Ruby smiles at her. “Got you something to eat.”
“Thanks,” she says softly, throwing the laundry in the corner before digging through the boxes. She takes some chicken fried rice and egg rolls back to her bed, corners of her mouth twitching up into something of a long lost cousin of the smile when Ruby passes her a cold beer. “What are we watching?”
“The Bachelor.”
She’s hungrier than she thought, but it doesn’t help her from taking a second to snort in derision, even putting her chopsticks down to stare at Ruby. “Why?”
“It’s an interesting anthropologic look at popular culture,” she says. Sam just stares, munching into an egg roll until Ruby shrugs. “It was the only channel that didn’t come in fuzzy.”
It makes sense and as she leans back against her pillows, Sam’s almost glad that this is the only thing on. She has no connections to this show and she watches these girls with their hopes up, excited about a stupid flower, put all their dreams on the type of guy who would go on a show just to have an excuse to date a bunch of women. Somehow, she comes out of the hour envying them, envying their optimism even as they go home crying.
“What are we doing tomorrow?” she says, looking hopelessly over at Ruby. The demon rolls onto her side, facing Sam with a look of complete openness that makes Sam want to pick up the blanket, cover herself and hide from it. She can’t do raw anymore.
“There’s a…friend of Lilith I had a plan to meet with. I thought you could come after we get our information, you could…practice.” Sam winces at the idea and it’s clear from her sigh that Ruby sees it. “Sam, you have to. It’s the only-”
“It’s the only way, I know.” She can’t even muster up any sort of righteous indignation. Maybe that was always Dean’s too. She can’t remember anymore.
Ruby sits up and stares at her. “We can’t do this the way you are now. If you want revenge-”
She shakes her head to cut Ruby off. “Not revenge. Negotiations.” Revenge became a dirty word to her a long time ago. It came from growing up a Winchester. She was different. She wasn’t going to be like them.
“Whatever you wanna call it, you’ve got to have something to back it up.” There’s a ring of compassion in her tone that covers Sam in a cloud of pity and she’s drowning in it. “You can’t just go after her with nothing. I mean, if you had listened to me before Dean’s deal was up…” She sighs, shrugs as if Sam had lost a shoe and not the only person left in the world who meant a damn to her. “Maybe I wouldn’t be the one in this bed right now.”
The lump in Sam’s throat makes it hard to breathe, so she just nods and pushes her pillows down, burrowing into them. “I’m going to bed. You can leave the TV on.” If sleep doesn’t come, she’ll just drink herself into unconsciousness. The Winchester way.
Ruby picks up a quarter from the side table. “You sure you don’t want it?”
“I’m good,” she says, almost laughing at how she can even manage a lie like that. She turns towards the wall and tries to sleep, the rumbling of Ruby’s Magic Fingers keeping her up long into the night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Off the top of her head, she can’t think of too many things worse than a demon laughing at her, taunting her. He tilts his head to the side, smiling almost sincerely. “You Winchesters never give up, do you?” There’s a lilting taunt to his tone that makes her hair stand on edge. “Your parents got themselves killed and you’re here while your brother is screaming down in hell.” She tries to block out the words, but he doesn’t stop. “They slice and cut and he screams. Do you scream too, little girl?”
Locking her knees, she stands her ground, focusing past his voice. It feels almost like she can see it, the darkness eclipsing the soul of whoever’s in there, locked in the body Ruby had tied to the chair. She thinks that maybe he has kids, a family that he needs to get back to. Maybe a dog. It doesn’t help, but she pretends it does. It’s just another thing to beat herself up for after.
Sam closes her eyes and reaches out her arm, all of her concentration on that blackness. She thinks about it exploding, dying, screaming and it sounds like Dean’s voice in her head, calling out. Slowly, she pulls it with her mind and it fights her until her face is dripping with sweat from more than just the heat of the room.
The demon jerks against his bindings and the connection is broken. He laughs as she stumbles back against Ruby. “It’s okay, Sam,” she says quietly in her ear. “It’s okay, you almost had it.”
Sam cringes against the sound of his laugh, turning closer towards Ruby. “I don’t want to do this anymore.” It’s defeatist and she’s okay with that.
“Sam, come on. You can do it.” Her small hands hold Sam’s shoulders and Sam looks up into her brown eyes. “You can’t let him win.”
“C’mon, Ruby,” the demon says. “You really think you and the princess over there can take Lilith?”
Ruby’s thumb brushes against Sam’s cheek. “One more, Sam.”
She swallows hard, mind filled with the possibilities of just lying down and never getting up. Her thoughts go to that place, the place that worries her, the part where she wonders what would happen if everything ended, if she ended. Would she be with Dean? Was that even an option?
Mourning is supposed to get better, but it feels like every day she’s another step closer to actively campaigning for Hell.
Turning around, she rolls her shoulders, trying not to let the demon see her tremble. His smirk would normally make her blood run cold, but she’s too tired to react. “I wonder what kind of prize Lilith would bring me if I showed up with your head on a pike.”
There’s a splash and a scream and Ruby stands there with the empty bucket as the demon writhes in pain from the holy water. She nods at Sam. “Give it a try.”
She takes a deep, shuddering breath and closes her eyes against the black stares. It feels easier this time, and she isn’t sure whether to attribute that to the holy water or if she’s actually getting better at this. Her mind pulls and guides, a push and nudge until the demon chokes out, “Pittsburgh! She’s in Pittsburgh!”
Sam freezes, ready to hear what he has to say when she feels Ruby behind her, hands bracing Sam’s back with more strength than Sam knew that small body possessed. “Keep going,” she whispers in Sam’s ear. “You’ve got him.”
The full body shiver almost makes her lose grip, but she holds strong, clenching her jaw and staring straight ahead and ignoring the pounding in her head, behind her eyes, throughout her entire body. Ruby becomes a more solid presence backing her up as Sam reaches down into her depths for whatever strength she can muster. There is no angel on her shoulder; there’s just a demon leading the way.
Her knees go weak as the first of the black smoke starts pouring out of the demon, burning the concrete floor of the warehouse. She falls slowly, steadying herself with her free hand until there’s nothing left of the demon, then she collapses, curling into herself, stretched across that line between hope and dying.
Ruby lifts her up and leans her against the wall, holding a scrap of cloth to Sam’s nose. She doesn’t realize it’s bleeding until Ruby pulls it away and scoffs at the scarlet stain. “Can you stand?” she says and Sam can’t even manage to shake her head no. Sighing, Ruby supports Sam against her body, practically dragging her out to the Impala.
Sam leans against the familiar body of the car as Ruby digs through her hoodie pocket for the keys. The world seems spotty, the sequence of events not making sense and she only briefly remembers Ruby buckling her in. Sometime before they reach the motel, she must have lost consciousness, only regaining it as Ruby pulls her into the room and sits her on the bed. She seems satisfied when she notices that Sam is alive and awake. “Are you okay?”
When Sam coughs dryly, Ruby grabs her a bottle of water from the mini-fridge and holds it to her lips as she drinks down the entirety of it. She can taste the smoke in her mouth. Lying back on the bed, she reaches down until she can find the bottle of whiskey, taking several long swigs as Ruby looks on disapprovingly. “You’re drinking too much.”
Sam rolls her eyes. “I just exorcised a demon with my mind. I think I deserve a drink.” Her voice is still rough and raw and she hates the sound of it. Still, she looks at Ruby. “The…the person that…”
Ruby shakes her head. “Dead before we even got there. Alaric was never big on letting them live.”
She bites her bottom lip and closes her eyes, a stray tear rolling down the side of her face and into the blanket. “Right."
“You can’t save everyone, Sam.”
Laughing bitterly, she turns her face into the bed. “Yeah, I realized that back in May.”
Ruby sits on the bed, cool hand brushing against the heated skin of her face, soothing her throbbing head as she strokes Sam’s hair. “You did so good though, Sam. The body would have been dead either way.”
Her hand curls into the blanket, holding on tightly. “I can’t do this, Ruby. I can’t. I’m not good enough, I’ll never learn, I’ll never get Dean back. It’s too hard.”
“Are you giving up?” Sam doesn’t answer and Ruby eases her into a sitting position, making Sam look at her through the tears in her eyes. “You’re just going to let Dean suffer in hell? He sold his soul for you.”
The words hit her so hard that she can’t breathe, shoulders shaking with dry sobs. Her head falls to Ruby’s shoulder and she buries her head against the demon’s neck, searching for balance, for anything to hold her down so she doesn’t break apart. Shushing her quietly, Ruby sits there, letting Sam’s tears fall between them.
Sam stays there, small hiccups rocking her body. “What the hell does Pittsburgh even mean?”
“I don’t know. We’ll go there and find out.” Ruby looks down at Sam for a long time, eyes giving away no secrets until Sam is squirming uncomfortably. But she doesn’t move as Ruby leans down, pressing her lips against Sam’s.
She waits to gasp until Ruby has pulled away, mouth dry again. “Ruby…”
“What?” she says softly. “You can’t tell me you only like blonds.”
“I…” It’s all the protest she can make, laying boneless against her. Her mind can’t keep up with the day, whirring into a stop and restart and maybe it’s the booze or the damnation or the fact that she tastes like French fries instead of smoke, but when Ruby leans back down, Sam parts her lips, ready.
Ruby adjusts them slightly, moving to the zipper of Sam’s hoodie. Sam shrugs out of the thin material, wrapping her free arm around Ruby’s neck as she pulls her closer. Her skin prickles with cold, a buzz of energy sitting beneath the surface. The mechanics are a little different-Ruby is smaller than anyone’s she’s ever been with, and it makes Sam laugh that that’s what she finds weird about sleeping with a demon.
Everything in the world has gone to her head and she kind of likes it.
Ruby’s fingers start working on her shirt buttons as Sam kisses her, sucking at her tongue. After Ruby gets rid of her blouse, she works on Sam’s, pulling away long enough to get it over her head before easing her back down on the bed. Sam works the closure of Ruby’s bra deftly; she knows this, she’s good at this. It’s like riding a fucking bicycle.
She fumbles with the button of her jeans, everything suddenly feeling tight and constricting. It’s like freedom as she finally kicks them off her legs, pulling Ruby back down to kiss her greedily, sucking and biting like it’s the last night and for all she knows, it is. She’s never been great at last nights.
Small hands remove her bra, and Ruby leans down against her, chest to chest, skin to skin to kiss Sam’s neck, mark her with teeth that were once someone else’s. “Gonna make it better, Sammy,” Ruby hisses in her ear, hand skirting down her panties and slipping underneath them.
Jerking at the unfamiliar touch, Sam’s hips rise off the bed and she’s unsure if she wants to get away or if she’s just desperate for more. Her gaze focuses on the ceiling as Ruby spreads her apart, leaving her open and vulnerable in every way possible. There’s a water stain in the shape of a star on the ceiling and she doesn’t realize that she’s not breathing until Ruby’s kiss on the inside of her thigh makes her gasp.
Biting the inside of her cheek, Sam takes the initiative to remove her panties, sighing in relief as if that is the last step to some major breakthrough. She grabs hold of Ruby’s arm and pulls her down again, head tilted towards her in anticipation. Ruby kisses her as if she’s inhaling her, sucking her in and leaving nothing left. Sam hasn’t felt like this in far too long, perfectly wanted and needed. She missed it.
Ruby nuzzles at her neck and Sam can’t help but make a noise in the back of her throat at the intimacy of it. She doesn’t push her away; she doesn’t stop. She just leans back and closes her eyes as Ruby’s lips trace down her body, licking the sweat off her collarbone and nipping gently at Sam’s hard nipples. A shudder runs through her, one of equal pleasure and uncertainty.
Her hand cups Sam’s breast, letting it spill over before massaging it, running her thumb back and forth over the nipple as she sucks on the other one. Sam moans in pleasure, rubbing her legs together as she feels herself becoming wetter. It’s been forever since she’s felt this good; the feeling is overwhelming and she craves it like she can’t remember craving anything.
Ruby’s still half-clothed and she rubs her leg against Sam’s bare one as she moves up for another kiss. Sam takes her time with Ruby’s mouth, exploring, sucking on her tongue. Lying on top of her, Ruby presses their bodies together, lining them up so they’re flush against each other. Sam bucks her hips, entwining her legs with Ruby’s as she moans into her mouth.
“Gonna make you feel so good, Sammy,” Ruby says, sucking a mark deep into the thin skin of her neck. “Promise. I’ll make you better.”
Words have been beyond Sam for longer than she can remember and she just nods, hands twisting in the blankets. Ruby kisses her way down Sam’s body, dragging her teeth against the skin to leave red marks, lips tracing the soft curve of her hip. Sam feels warm all over when Ruby spreads her legs, flushing with anticipation.
She calls out when Ruby’s tongue touches her, dragging slowly against her sensitive skin. Gasping, her hips buck and she sees stars; she hadn’t grasped how much she needed this. The realization knocks her over in addition to the pleasure rolling through her body.
Ruby’s thumb rubs against her clitoris in tight circles, bringing her up to pull her back down with the long swipe of her tongue. Sam rocks with the rising ecstasy, squeezing her eyes shut. When Ruby nips against her leg, Sam looks at her, knowing she’s being scolded for not watching, for not understanding that there is nothing more important right now than watching Ruby lick her juices off her fingers.
Struggling to keep her eyes open, Sam whimpers as Ruby thrusts two fingers inside her, biting her bottom lip against the thrill. She reaches for a pillow, putting it behind her head so she has something to prop her up to stare at Ruby and hold on to as she tries to keep hold of her sanity. It’s too much and not enough and isn’t that what everything’s always been?
Ruby smirks at her, her mouth everywhere but where Sam needs it, on her hip, stomach, thighs. She feels a million things building inside her and yet, she’s surprised when instead of a groan, a sob escapes her, upper body shaking as her hips thrust up for more attention. The tears come as quickly as the pleas for completion, for something, for change that she’s never been able to achieve.
Finally, Ruby affixes her mouth back where Sam needs it most, sucking on her clit and sending Sam yelling in pleasure. The screams die down back into sobs as Ruby rolls her tongue against Sam, pushing her close to the brink and further from sanity.
She clings to everything left as her body reaches the precipice, mind exploding into a million pieces that can never be put back together as her orgasm consumes her, driving her over the edge to a place where there’s nothing left, only Ruby’s black eyes watching her. Sam’s agony only increases, holding tightly to the pillow and holding it over her face as she cries herself into a restless sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She loads the car up in the morning, squinting against the glare of the sun. Sam doesn’t really remember the last time she was actually outside during the day, experiencing the world as it was meant to be. Her view of the world has always been a little off tilt. That never changes.
After loading her bag in the trunk, lining it up perfectly next to Dean’s still untouched duffle, she climbs in the front seat. The amulet bounces against her chest and when she reaches for it, it’s warm to the touch, hot, almost scalding her. She remembers giving it to Dean, playing with it, tugging at it playfully. It’s the only thing left that retains anything of him. She feels like he’s leaked out of everything else and there’s nothing left.
The passenger door opens and Ruby slips in silently, only the creak of the hinge alerting Sam to her presence. “I got donuts,” she says, holding up the Krispy Kreme box proudly and resting it on the dashboard.
Sam’s mouth goes dry; her view swims as if her brain cannot quite process what’s going on in front of her. “What are you doing?”
She raises an eyebrow at Sam, questioning, patient, before rolling her eyes. “Was I supposed to get you coffee too?”
Bile rises in Sam’s throat and she shakes her head violently to clear everything, to make everything fall back into place, to wake up and have this last year be wiped clean. When she blinks, Ruby’s still sitting there in the passenger seat of Dean’s car and Sam holds on to the steering wheel to keep herself from lashing out. She wants to scream and curse and rip the world to shreds. “What are you doing in this car?”
“We’re going to Pittsburgh,” she says slowly, like she’s afraid Sam has finally cracked and maybe she has.
“You can find some other way to get there.” Her voice is low and calm and it scares her because that’s exactly how her father sounded when she said she was going to Stanford. “Get out of the car.”
Ruby’s sigh is a mixture of exasperation and pity. “Sam…”
“Get out of the car, Ruby.”
“You don’t even know where you’re going.” She speaks as if she’s talking to a child, like Sam needs guidance and she’s some kind of demon Mary Poppins with a spoonful of fucking sugar to make her brother being tortured in hell go down.
Sam’s shaking now, with anger or the desperate need to hang on to her control, she’s not sure. “I know where Pittsburgh is. I’ll catch up. Now get out of the car.”
Ruby opens her mouth to speak, but Sam doesn’t let her get that far. Before she even realizes what she’s doing, her hand finds the flask of holy water Dean kept under his seat-God, of course he did, of course he did--and she’s opening it and throwing it on Ruby as she screams and burns. “Sam! Stop!”
She grabs the knife off Ruby’s belt while her skin is still smoking, holding it to her throat, ready to slice it open right here. “Get out. Of the car.” Ruby disappears as a trickle of blood runs down the blade. Sam drops it on the floor, hands shaking and she rests her head against the steering wheel.
When she’s done dry heaving, she wipes up the excess holy water with the sleeve of her hoodie before catching the few tears she just realizes are rolling down her cheeks. Cracking the window a bit, she sits there for a few long minutes, just trying to control herself from driving off a bridge. It’s about time a Winchester went out with a bang instead of a whimper.
Her eyes catch on the Krispy Kreme box and she reaches in for a glazed, chewing on it slowly. They’re still hot and delicious and she licks her fingers clean before putting the keys in the ignition and starting the Impala.
She really needs a cup of coffee.