(no subject)
so it's officially august now....not sure how i feel about that...growing up, august was always that last little bit of summer...the dreaded sign that school was just around the corner. now, i guess i feel differently. i guess it does make a difference that there are still almost two months left of summer 'fun'. so far, it's been a decent summer. i've managed to stay busy with work, see the friends i've wanted to see, spend time with my family, and spend time on my own--relaxing. all of that has been both good and bad. I've enjoyed work for the most part--sometimes stressful, but mostly rewarding. Seeing friends is usually good--probably have spent more money than i should. I've been really grateful to have certain friends around this past week when i've definitely needed support and distractions. Time with family is up and down, i love them all, but a lot of times it leaves me feeling drained. Time on my own has been both refreshing and depressing. One the one hand, i love wandering off on my own, being alone with my thoughts. I don't know how to explain it, but there is something refreshing about spending some time truly living for myself--uninterrupted by outside drama and stress. On the other hand, i feel like that experience is only refreshing when it is a break from chaos, not when it is the norm. Lately, it's been a little of both. It's tough, because i really do cherish my sense of independence. I also long to have someone that i really feel is a partner in my life. I have lots of friendships that i am grateful for, but the idea of having someone there to share life with, who will support, challenge and inspire me, and for whom i can do that as well, is really appealing to me right now. Sometimes I wonder if i'm looking to hard, other times i think i'm pushing it away...I don't think I ever feel like the people that I am attracted to are the ones who are attracted to me--maybe i'm wrong...but by never testing the waters, I don't have to find out the hard way....there is a song by The Long Winters with a few lyrics that i think about from time to time:
Stupid, you could call it that
Stupid, but you have no idea
How stupid I would feel
If fifteen years from now I see her
And she says why didn’t it happen between us, stupid?
I don't know whether I worry more about rejection or regret....perhaps i should take more chances...in theory i suppose by taking a chance there is also a chance that I could avoid both rejection and regret.....
so i'm reading this book right now 'Gertrude' by Herman Hesse. Good book, but the main character, a composer, early in life, injures his leg in a sledding accident. about halfway through the book (in his early/midlife) he realizes that he has been so afraid that women will reject him because he is crippled, that he has been treating all women as friends rather than pursuing something with any of them...that struck a cord with me...there are a few people in my life that i can say i've been attracted to, but for whatever reason, tried my hardest to establish myself as a friend and just that, that they've now gone on to date other people, or confide in me like they would other guy friends...which is fine i suppose...if they were really interested they probably would have pursued me...but still....i guess the point of this is that i realize I am a pretty guarded person...maybe i should try and change that...we'll see...wow i'm sorry! not only have i been rambling, but it's all one long brick. the paragraph nazi would not be pleased! (sorry eben!)anyway, i'll continue i guess...another thing i've been thinking about lately is how restless and stuck i feel. I love seattle, but i have a desire to move. to get away. i want to meet new people, experience new things. it's funny to sit and think retrospectively trying to answer the question 'how did i get here?'. i've been trying to do that...and too many of my answers are 'because it seemed logical' 'it was convenient' 'it was easy'....so yeah, i dunno, but i guess this whole tangent started with why i don't mind that summer is half over...i'm excited to start classes, meet new people, have a regular schedule.... with that, i should probably stop rambling and either be productive or get some sleep. g'night all!
Stupid, you could call it that
Stupid, but you have no idea
How stupid I would feel
If fifteen years from now I see her
And she says why didn’t it happen between us, stupid?
I don't know whether I worry more about rejection or regret....perhaps i should take more chances...in theory i suppose by taking a chance there is also a chance that I could avoid both rejection and regret.....
so i'm reading this book right now 'Gertrude' by Herman Hesse. Good book, but the main character, a composer, early in life, injures his leg in a sledding accident. about halfway through the book (in his early/midlife) he realizes that he has been so afraid that women will reject him because he is crippled, that he has been treating all women as friends rather than pursuing something with any of them...that struck a cord with me...there are a few people in my life that i can say i've been attracted to, but for whatever reason, tried my hardest to establish myself as a friend and just that, that they've now gone on to date other people, or confide in me like they would other guy friends...which is fine i suppose...if they were really interested they probably would have pursued me...but still....i guess the point of this is that i realize I am a pretty guarded person...maybe i should try and change that...we'll see...wow i'm sorry! not only have i been rambling, but it's all one long brick. the paragraph nazi would not be pleased! (sorry eben!)anyway, i'll continue i guess...another thing i've been thinking about lately is how restless and stuck i feel. I love seattle, but i have a desire to move. to get away. i want to meet new people, experience new things. it's funny to sit and think retrospectively trying to answer the question 'how did i get here?'. i've been trying to do that...and too many of my answers are 'because it seemed logical' 'it was convenient' 'it was easy'....so yeah, i dunno, but i guess this whole tangent started with why i don't mind that summer is half over...i'm excited to start classes, meet new people, have a regular schedule.... with that, i should probably stop rambling and either be productive or get some sleep. g'night all!