the lunacy is so ordinary
[Filter: Friends Only]
You know when Jeanette said she was thinking of becoming asexual and I agreed that was a good plan and I was considering it myself? Because, you know, that would be easier than all the frustrations and the nothing and UGH, etc.?
I so take it back.
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[Filter: Private to Parvati Patil.]
'Vi - What say we get together and chat study?
An owl came from home today. My mom said I can go . . . ! This is going to be so awesome.
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My exams are already trying to kill me. Why is it I can know what I'm doing until I go to take an exam, and then everything just vanishes from my brain? I am going to fail. Right. Three more days. I'll survive. Like Kevin said, I'm actually thankful to be a sixth year right now.
I am so serious about this party, guys. How's Friday night for everyone? We can just have fun, 'kay? I mean, I think we totally deserve to relax. At least it won't be much longer, and maybe Hermione will stop studying for five minutes when they're done. Ha. Ha. Yeah, right.
[Private]
I'm completely mad. Very bad for my mental health. Mm. Happiness good for mental health though. Am balanced. Still unstable, probably. Merlin, if I could just stop dreaming, things would be okay. RIDICULOUS GIRL. Lavender, Lavender, oh no no no. You go too fast, far too fast. Why am I like this? It’s like my emotions are whims - but they dig deep inside and are real, I know they are.
A week ago, I wasn’t even all that close to him. A week ago, though, I wasn’t planning revenge on a pair of stupid boys. Do I ever really think about what I’m doing? Do I really think? No, I just act, I just act - but oh, it’s nice sometimes.
Do I regret this? No, not really. I guess I just wish I weren’t so impulsive. No, not impulsive - I sort of - well, I didn’t think about it, but I did tell myself not to. I mean, the timing’s so off. After all this with - well, it’s really sort of horrible, a bit like he’s on the rebound, and maybe we’re just both impulsive and horrible, but I don’t mind. I don’t. Maybe I should hold back. Maybe I should take it slow - I mean, not that I’d - right off the bat - but - I should refrain, I should restrain myself. He’s got too much to deal with without me - whatever it is, I do.
How do people get under your skin like that? I was going to be so good. All he had to do was brush back my hair; all he had to do was smile; all he had to do was be there, so close, so - so very, very - oh...
AGH. I. WANT. TO. SCREAM.
It's only a few days since he fought with Adam over Lisa. Not me. Lisa. He was still bruised, because of her - bruised inside and outside because of my friend. That's why I was there in the first place. This is just being on the rebound, this is just hormones, this is not serious, why am I making it serious?! WHY is everything so SERIOUS? Why does every Goddamn thing in the whole bloody world have to matter so bloody much?
Parvati and I still need to have a chat... It's just, there are topics I don't want to touch, things I don't even want to think about. And things I couldn't tell her even if - That's the worst thing. I wish I could tell her everything and still keep it all the same.
I wish I knew what I wanted at all. I wish I could stop whining and just be happy. UGH. What's wrong with me? I need to stop procrastinating and just go study.
Dear self: You are a fool. Please behave like a normal human being. Step one: when comforting people of the male persuasion, do not flirt with them. Step two: Also avoid anything beyond flirtation. Step three: Stop whining about getting bad grades and go do something about it - like study. Step four: Have decency to feel stupid for breaking Step One.
Step One very stupid anyway.
What will Parvati think?
Oh come on, it’s not like -
Need to stop thinking about this as it is only distracting me very, very much. Have other things to do, like plan party and prank, and stop being so dependent on this journal, and study.
Ha ha. Yeah. Right.
Might be better off asking Nicky to study and chat.
Step Five: Full sentences.
Look. Be calm. Be calm and see what happens.
Oh, I give up.
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[Filter: Private to Michael Corner.]
Michael - Are you busy tonight?
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~Lavender