(no subject)
So I got my car worked on a little more today. I have no idea if i'm going the american idol audition yet. im waiting for crystal to call me back. she doesnt know if she can go. i want her to go. i really need her to be there. i dont just want her there to be there i need her there for moral support. she is the only one who truely believes in my and my singing. no one else does. ben said he'll skip school tomorrow and go to the audtition with me but im not too comfortable with that idea. i know he wants me to go but i think part of the reason hes saying he'll go is because im bitching about how i want to go and how it means so much to me because it does. this is my dream afterall but my family doesnt giver two shits. in short my whole family told me not to bother except for my uncle. hes the only one who wished me luck...acctually mom did too but she deosnt think ill make it. she said that theres no hurt in me trying but she doesnt think ill make it. thanks for the vote of confidence. no one believes in me but crystal. susan says im good and that i should try but she heard me sing once when i was buzzed of mikes hard cranberry lemonade. i have no confidence in myself. people dont understand that i need to do this for myself to prove to my self that i can try that i can do it but i just cant do it alone. being alone is my greatest fear i cant do things by myself. i feel very vulnerable and i dont like it. i dont know what to do. if crystal cant go then i dont know if i should let ben skip to come with me. im not comfortable with him skipping school for me. i know its just the first day but still. i've never felt worth it in my life. my family has almost always put me down when it came to my dream so i dont feel like he should waste his time being bored all day with mer to see if i even get in for an audition and if i even make it to la. i just dont know. i called erik and left a message. if him or his fiance christine has tomorrow off and one of them can come with me then ill feel more comfortable. not as comfortable as i would with crystal but its better than nothing. i dont know what to do. i know dad will kill me if i let ben miss school for me and my "stupid unrealistic" dream. he still wants me to be a teacher even though i want to be a child psychologist. i dont know what to do. im waiting for crystal to call me back., after i talk to her depending on what she tells me then ill try erik again if not then i have to decide soon if im gonna let ben come with me. coz if i dont then im not going to the audition. if i am going well then i need to shower clean up and pack for the over nighter and leave soon. they are handing out wristbands and tickets from now untill 6 am ish. i dunno. its a hard choice. i just dont know what to do. ill update latter on what i decide to do. bye