Twisted Hearts
Title: Twisted Hearts
Rating: R
Genre: au!au
Disclaimer: Ennis and Jack belong to Annie Proulx. No disrespect intended.
Summary: Under cut
*This is a story told from Ennis's POV. He's an eighteen year old drug addict that winds up in a sober living facility. Jack is the residential counselor/adviser. As Jack helps Ennis with his sobriety, Ennis replaces his old addiction for a new one-Jack. Jack, a recovering addict himself, finds himself spiraling back into addiction, except this time his drug of choice is Ennis. Their love for one another becomes possessive, twisted, but pure and forgiving. Can they find a normal balance? What is "normal" anyway...
*Note* I know this subject matter may be difficult for sensitive readers, (which is why I put the summary under cut) but I assure you I love Ennis and Jack, and I do not get carried away with drug use and there is certainly no death in this story. I do like happy endings...even if it's a little twisted.
Links to previous chapters can be found here:lavender-snow.livejournal.com/
Chapter 6
Jack let me sleep on his couch that night. He slept in the recliner beside me. It must have been uncomfortable, but he never once complained.
It was six thirty when I awoke the next morning. Jack was still sound asleep. I stared at him for a long time. I studied his breathing pattern and facial twitches. I wish I knew what he was dreaming about.
As I sat there watching my angel, a moment of clarity came over me, and I suddenly realized something…I was so wrapped up in my own self-pity, and what I needed, that I never once put into consideration the situation I had put Jack in. My actions could have cost him everything: his job, his home, his stability, his sobriety….maybe even his freedom. I could have lost him. How could I have been so blind?
“Jack,” I whispered, nudging his knee. “Wake up.”
Jack’s eyes slowly opened. “How you feelin?” he asked groggily.
“Better, thanks to you.”
He smiled. He was always smiling at me... “Ennis,” he said, burying his face in his hands. “I gotta get you out of here before Shelly gets in.” I could hear the hesitation in his tone. He probably thought I was going to fight him on that, but not today. It was my turn to tend to Jack, and make his life comfortable again.
“I know. I’m goin,” I said, managing a small smile. A look of relief washed over his face. Poor Jack…I still couldn’t believe all the shit I’d put him through in such a short period of time.
I got up from the couch and knelt in front of him. His knees naturally drifted apart for me. I took his hand in mine. “Jack…thank you…for everything.”
He caressed my cheek. “Ennis…you’re so special. You really are. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.”
My heart began to race. Special? I had never been called 'special' before. “You are too, Jack. You are, too.” My eyes dropped between his thighs…I couldn’t help it. He caught me. I blushed. “Sorry…,” I whispered. I “accidentally” looked again, and saw his penis move beneath the fabric of his sweatpants.
Jack didn’t close his legs, nor did he say anything. I looked up into his eyes. I never knew what yearning looked like until that very moment. He broke our gaze, and looked between his legs as his dick continued to plump. “Ennis…,” he sighed breathlessly. “You should go.”
I wanted to touch him. I wanted to see what he looked like down there. I wanted it all, but I pulled back the reins on my urges this time. If I wanted to keep Jack by my side, I had to play by the rules…I had to, no matter how much I ached for him. “I know…Jack…I know.”
*****
I returned to my room and headed straight to the bathroom to jerk off. My dick was literally leaking by the time I got upstairs. I locked the door, pulled down my pants, and pumped a couple squirts of liquid soap into my palm. The second I wrapped my hand around my cock, my balls hiked up into my body and I felt myself ready to unload. I closed my eyes, pretending that Jack was standing there watching me. Instantly, I felt that familiar tingle shoot my groin. I came hard, shooting ribbons of white to the floor. I needed that so bad...
*****
Group session was okay. I could barely concentrate though. The "visit" with my mother couldn't have gone any worse, which didn't surprise me. She didn't say anything to me that I hadn't already heard about a million times. That was Mom, my mom. She was something, right? The only thing that did get to me was the fact that Jack met her under those circumstances. Jack was my strength. My mother was my weakness. Mixing the two made my head spin. At least now Jack understood why I was the way I was, not that I was looking for any excuses, or anything. I turned the switch off in my head about the whole ordeal, and allowed my thoughts to drift back to Jack, and the fact that he had hardened for me a second time now. I couldn't get the images out of my mind...not that I wanted to.
*****
“Jesus, Jack. What the hell were you thinking letting the Del Mar kid’s mother in here like that?” I heard Dr. Lambertus say as I stood in the hallway, about to go in for my counseling session. Instead of entering the room, I stayed outside and listened.
“I’m so sorry…I had no idea she was that messed up,” Jack said, his voice shaking. I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes.
“Well, according Amy, she could smell the alcohol on her from the hallway,” Dr. Lambertus added.
“I’m sorry. I really am, Doc. She wanted to see her son. What the hell was I supposed to say? No?”
Oh Jack...this wasn’t your fault…
“Jack, this is supposed to be a safe haven for these people. You really-”
I heard where Dr. Lambertus was going with this, and I barged into the room to save Jack’s ass. “I wanted to see her,” I lied.
“Ennis...go outside,” Jack said sternly.
“No.” I turned my eyes to Dr. Lambertus. “I really wanted to see her.”
“Ennis, you don’t have to lie…,” Jack said quietly.
“What? It’s the truth.”
“Ennis…,”Jack sighed.
Dr. Lambertus looked at Jack then at back at me. “Jack, you can go. It’s time for Ennis’s session.”
“Yes, sir,” Jack replied, avoiding eye contact with me.
Dr. Lambertus waited until Jack left the room. “Sit down, Ennis.”
I took a seat in the big, red, scary chair. Dr. Lambertus grabbed my file, and brought his glasses to the end of his nose as he began to reread his notes.
“Well, to start, I want you tell me how you are doing with your medication. Have you noticed any side effects?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Not really.”
“Good. Just so you know, the Wellbutrin takes about three to four weeks to work itself into your system. If you notice any unpleasant changes, you must bring it to my attention immediately, okay?”
I nodded. So long as I was able to keep getting my dick up, it was all good.
“We may need to play with your dosage a little, or switch medications all together if in a month’s time you’re still experiencing a lot of anxiety, or bouts of depression, alright?”
“Okay,” I replied. I hated the fact that I was on “cuckoo meds.” I felt like such a failure.
Dr. Lambertus closed my file, folded his hands and leaned back in his chair. I knew what was coming. He wanted me to talk. I closed my eyes for just a moment. I had to do this for myself, but more importantly...for Jack.
They say you have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. I always thought that was a bunch of crap. I had always hated myself, that was never going to change, but then I met Jack. My feelings for him were the reason I wanted to get better, the reason I wanted to get up in the morning, and the only reason I wanted to be alive. Love myself? What a joke.
“Ennis, I’d like to apologize for the incident that happened yesterday with your mother. Jack never should have allowed her to see you under those circumstances.”
I felt my eyes get real wide and I leaned forward. “No! It wasn’t Jack’s fault. I wanted to see her! I did. How were any of you supposed to know what a drunk she is?” I couldn’t let Jack take the wrap for this. If he got kicked out, there was no way in hell I was gonna stay.
“Jack admitted he was at fault, Ennis. You don’t have to cover for him. He’s not in any danger of losing his job, if that’s what’s concerning you,” he reassured.
I let out a long, steady sigh. Thank God
“I…I know, but I really wanted to see her, honest.” Like I said before, I hated getting caught in a lie. I’d lie to the bitter end if I had to.
Dr. Lambertus raised his eyebrows, causing his forehead to crinkle. I couldn’t tell if he bought it or not, but as long as Jack’s job wasn’t on the line, it didn’t really matter to me what he believed.
“So, where shall we start today? What would you like to talk about?” he asked. I actually admired the fact that he didn’t jump at the chance to pin me against the wall about the fact that I had lied about my mother being this sweet, loving school teacher. I thought for sure he would, but he didn’t.
I shrugged my shoulders again. I really didn’t know what the hell to say. “Well…I…I don’t know.”
“Tell me what’s going through your mind at this very moment,” he asked.
“Well, I was thinking about how happy I am that you didn’t ask me anymore questions about my mom,” I blurted out.
Dr. Lambertus smiled. “Ennis, I don’t want you to dread these sessions. I’m not here to judge you, or pick you apart. As I said before, we can talk about anything you want to, anything.”
He seemed sincere. “Um, okay…how come this place is called the Amethyst house, anyway?”
Dr. Lambertus seemed a little surprised by my question. “Amethyst gets its name from the Greek word amethustos, meaning, “not drunken.”
I don’t know how he said that with a straight face, and an immature laugh slipped past my lips. “Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. It just sounds kind of…Homer Simpson-ish.”
Dr. Lambertus chuckled. “You know, that’s one of my favorite shows,” he said.
“Mine, too! I loved the one where Homer got stuck in the water slide, and they had to dismantle the entire thing to get him out.” I giggled.
“Wait, wait, wait...how about the ‘helper monkey’ episode?” he said, through a genuine laugh.
“Yes! I loved that one! That’s one my top five favorites…,” I laughed. “I used to watch that show with my dad…” I don’t know where that came from, but I went from happy to sad in a blink of an eye.
“Where’s your dad now, Ennis?” I knew Dr. Lambertus would zone in on the “dad slip”, but he had every right to. He was just doing his job.
My first instinct was to keep my mouth shut and get the hell out of there, but when I closed my eyes, I saw my Jack, so I continued. “He left when I was twelve. I haven’t seen him since.” I hadn’t talked about my dad to anyone in years. The last time I spoke of him, was when I was in eighth grade. My grades really started going down the tubes, so my teacher sent me to the guidance counselor. She asked me about my parents, my dad in particular. I lied, and told her he wasn’t home much because of his job.
“Did your parent’s divorce?”
That was a good question. I really had no idea. “I don’t know.”
“What was your dad like, Ennis? Were you close?”
Were we close? Hmm? That was another loaded question. What’s considered close? I hadn’t a clue. “Well, I…I don’t know”
“Did you do things together? Fishing? Sports? Anything like that?”
“No,” I replied, hanging my head. Despair and sadness started to migrate back through my veins. I felt myself start to shut down again. I couldn’t talk anymore. “I’ve got to go,” I said, abruptly standing from my chair. I was sure Dr. Lambertus was going to tell me to sit my ass back down.
“Alright, Ennis. You can go. It was good talking to you today,” he said calmly.
I was a little shocked. “Oh, okay…good. See you tomorrow then.”
“See you tomorrow.”
*****
The café was packed. I scanned the room for Jack, but he was nowhere to be seen. I checked the gym, the rec. room, and the library, but still no Jack. I was just about to give up, when I finally spotted him in the courtyard. I quickly hurried over to him.
“Jack,” I said, looking him up and down. He was wearing jeans, a white t-shirt, and a light green jacket. “What are you doing?”
“I was just about to go for a walk,” he replied, nodding towards the woods behind the facility. I hoped he’d ask me to join him, but he didn’t, so I took it upon myself.
“Can I go with you?”
He hesitated at first and then said, “I suppose, but be sure you sign out first.”
“Sign out? What do you mean?”
“You guys aren’t prisoners here. You can come and go as you please, but you have to sign out and make a note as to where you’re going.”
“Really? I didn’t know that. What if…what if someone leaves and comes back with a bunch of drugs, or somethin?”
Jack arched a brow. “You get kicked out. End of story.”
“Oh.”
“Go ahead and sign yourself out. The book is on the table right as you walk into the main lobby.”
“Okay. Where do I say I’m going?”
Jack smiled. “For a walk with Jack.”
*****
Jack led me through the wide, beaten trails of the woods behind the Amethyst house. It was really beautiful. The fresh scent of pine was all around me. The air was calm and still.
“This all belongs to Dr. Lambertus, you know,” Jack said.
“Really?”
“Yeah. It’s real peaceful, isn’t it? I come out here a lot to just get away and clear my head.”
I realized I was a few steps behind Jack, so I picked up my pace. My hand brushed his. I wanted to hold it.
“Follow me,” Jack said, making a sharp, right turn off the path. I followed him closely as he held aside large tree branches, so I could get through safely. We walked just a short distance until we came across a small clearing. It was really cool. The ground was blanketed with bright, green moss. I didn’t see a single blade of grass. The tall maple and birch trees that surrounded us kind of intimidated me.
“Nice, huh?” Jack said. All I could do was nod. Jack took a seat on an old tree stump that I hadn’t even notice was there, and began to take off his shoes. I joined him.
“Uh…why are we taking off our shoes?” I finally asked.
Jack smiled, ignoring my question at first. He waited until my feet were naked and said, “Go ahead. Walk around in the moss.”
We stood up at the same time, and began lightly stomping around on the earth beneath our feet.
“It feels like…a cold sponge,” I said, squishing my toes together. Jack quietly laughed, following my footsteps.
“It does, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah.” I turned to look at Jack and nearly lost my balance.
“I got ya,” Jack said, steadying me to my feet. Our eyes met. “Jack…” I didn’t know what the hell I wanted to say…I figured maybe he would.
“Come on. Let’s go sit and talk.” Jack walked back to the tree stump and sat down. I settled closely beside him and placed my hands between my knees.
“Ennis…I’m really sorry about…your mother…I feel terrible. You told me you didn’t want to see her. I should-“
I placed my index finger on his soft lips. “Shh…Jack, it wasn’t your fault. I’m fine, really. I’m just glad you didn’t get in trouble…”
I removed my finger from his lips and placed my hand on top of his. He didn’t object. “Ennis. You shouldn’t have lied, though. I know you were just trying to protect me, but…”
“Jack,” I said, squeezing the outside of his warm hand. “If I had been honest with you and Dr. Lambertus about my parents, this never would have happened…Can we just drop it?”
Jack nodded. “Alright.”
“Just one more thing, Jack…I know how much trouble I’ve caused you lately, and for that…I’m truly sorry. I’m really going to make an effort to get myself together, but...should there be any lines we may accidentally cross again, I just want you to know…my lips are sealed. I swear.” I had to say it…I had to. There was no denying that there was something more between us than just a counselor- patient relationship, and I wanted him to know that I was capable of keeping things to myself…just in case.
“In case we “accidently” cross that line, huh?” Jack repeated through half a smile.
I felt my cheeks flush as I desperately tried to get my brain to work. “Well…yeah, I don’t mean...anything crazy…just like…you know…the way you let me crash on your couch and stuff.”
“I see,” he replied softly. I knew there was more he wanted to say, but I got the feeling I had exhausted him completely. So instead, he smiled and looked up to the sky.
“Jack? Did you ever have a girlfriend?” I asked out of nowhere. I’m not sure what it was about Jack, but I just couldn’t seem to keep my mouth shut when I was around him.
Jack lowered his head, staring straight ahead. “Yeah, a couple.”
“Did you sleep with them?”
Jack seemed to understand that I desperate to have someone to talk to, so he didn’t hesitate, not even for a second, to answer me. “Yeah, I did.”
I began to nervously break off small pieces of bark from the stump we were sitting on. “How…how much different is it being with a guy?”
Jack leaned back. “It’s totally different. Women are…soft and sweet, and men are…well…men,” he chuckled. “What about you, Ennis? Have you had ever had a girlfriend?”
“Yeah, kind of. I was a freshman in high school. It only lasted about a month, so it doesn’t really count. I didn’t sleep with her…obviously…”
“It’s okay. You should save yourself for someone really special, Ennis. You deserve that.”
My left knee started bobbing up and down. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to be my first…
“Jack? When you’re with a guy…uh, like…when you’re with a girl, it’s pretty straight forward how the sex is gonna go, but with a guy…how do you know who…you know…um.” I could not for the life of me get this fuckin sentence out. I sounded like a complete idiot.
Jack intentionally pressed his shoulder to mine. “Aw, Ennis…it’s alright. Go ahead and ask me.”
I swallowed a huge glob of spit that had formed in the back of my mouth, turned to Jack, and said in one breath, “How do you know who tops and who bottoms?” I exhaled. I felt like I had just given birth.
Jack’s eyes softened like suede. His eyebrows drew together as he tried to find the “appropriate” words to explain. “Well, usually it’s discussed beforehand. We are guys after all, so we typically don’t tiptoe around the issue of sex like you would with a woman.”
“Oh...” I think I understood…
“Honestly, if you’re not comfortable talking about it with your partner, you probably shouldn’t be having sex in the first place, gay or straight,” he added.
“True. Do you have a boyfriend, Jack?” I spit out.
Jack smiled and shook his head. “Ennis,” he said, drawing out the “s” in my name.
“Whuuut?” I mocked.
“Oh, you’re a smartass now, huh?” Jack wrapped his arm around my neck and put me in headlock. My face was inches from his crotch. Jack playfully gave me a noogie on the top of my head. I pressed my face between his thighs and took a deep breath…I was in heaven. Much to my dismay, he released me.
“Answer me,” I demanded as I lifted my head from his lap.
“No. I don’t have a boyfriend. I…I don’t think I’m capable of having one right now,” he said clearing his throat and straightening his shoulders. I could tell from his body language, he was afraid he’d revealed too much.
“Jack…” I placed my hand on top of his again. “Why would you say that? Why are you not capable?” I knew it was none of my goddamn business, but I had a feeling Jack wanted to talk. After all, he was just as lonely as I was…
“I don’t know. We all have relationship issues, I guess. Doctor Lambertus has really helped me work most of them out, but I still have a long way to go.”
“What kind of issues?”
“Never mind, Ennis. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Look,” I snapped and stood up. “I may be younger than you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand things just the same. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the things you feel.”
“Hey, hey, hey,” Jack whispered. “Sit down.” I returned to my seat with my arms folded across my chest. “I wasn’t insinuating your age, Ennis. I meant about relationships. You said yourself, you’ve never been in one, that’s all I meant by that.”
“Sorry…I didn’t mean to snap.”
“It’s okay. I understand.”
“Jack? Will you please tell me your so called “relationship issues,” I really want to know.”
“It’s none of your business.”
I intentionally let out a really long, obnoxious sigh. “Come on, Jack. Can’t we talk like friends? Can’t we?”
Jack grinned “You don’t give up, do you?”
“No, I don’t. Not on someone like you.” I was determined to burrow into his heart, one way or another.
Jack paused for a moment then looked me in the eye. “The truth is, I’m not sure I’m capable of loving someone in a “normal”…way.”
“Says who?”
“Says…me, says Doc, says all my past partners…”
“That’s bullshit, Jack. I may not know a hell of a lot about relationship stuff, but there’s no right, or wrong way of loving someone.”
Jack smirked. “You’re something else, Ennis. And you’re right, but there are certain behaviors that aren’t appropriate…” Jack pressed his lips together for a second. “We really shouldn’t be talking about this anymore, it’s not right.”
“How are you in a relationship?” I continued, ignoring his request to end the conversation. “Are you possessive, Jack? Do you crave someone to need you all the time?” I was hell-bent on getting inside Jack’s head, especially on the topic of love.
Jack rose from the stump and placed his hands on his hips. He turned to me. His eyes changed from cobalt blue to a dark gray. “Ennis, you’re out of line. Drop it. Let’s get back.”
I got up and without giving it a second thought, I wrapped my hands around his waist and pulled him close to me. “Jack…it’s okay to love the way you do. Some people…some people like that…some people want a possessive partner…some people are needy…like…me, Jack.” So much for controlling myself…Jack was either going to freak out and never speak to me again, or hear me out...
Jack clenched his jaw, puffing short breaths through his nose. I didn’t look away. He closed his eyes. Tears began to run down his cheeks.
“Jack…” I whispered, pulling him as close as possible to my body. He let me hold him. We clung to each other for several seconds. I heard him gasp several times in my ear. The wind began to swirl all around us, then suddenly grew very still. I drew in a sharp, startled breath and Jack’s scent filled my senses. Jack pulled back, and wiped his eyes.
He caressed my cheek. Our lips drew close. “Ennis…this is really twisted…,” he gasped.
Twisted? “I know…but…that’s okay…it’s what we are, Jack.” I stared at his quivering bottom lip.
“Ennis…there’s no “we”, okay? There just can’t be,” he breathed, closing his eyes again.
I saw my chance. It was now or never. I pressed my lips to his, tasting him for only a sweet second. I pulled back before he could react and whispered, “Tell me…tell me you don’t feel that…”
Tbc
Rating: R
Genre: au!au
Disclaimer: Ennis and Jack belong to Annie Proulx. No disrespect intended.
Summary: Under cut
*This is a story told from Ennis's POV. He's an eighteen year old drug addict that winds up in a sober living facility. Jack is the residential counselor/adviser. As Jack helps Ennis with his sobriety, Ennis replaces his old addiction for a new one-Jack. Jack, a recovering addict himself, finds himself spiraling back into addiction, except this time his drug of choice is Ennis. Their love for one another becomes possessive, twisted, but pure and forgiving. Can they find a normal balance? What is "normal" anyway...
*Note* I know this subject matter may be difficult for sensitive readers, (which is why I put the summary under cut) but I assure you I love Ennis and Jack, and I do not get carried away with drug use and there is certainly no death in this story. I do like happy endings...even if it's a little twisted.
Links to previous chapters can be found here:lavender-snow.livejournal.com/
Chapter 6
Jack let me sleep on his couch that night. He slept in the recliner beside me. It must have been uncomfortable, but he never once complained.
It was six thirty when I awoke the next morning. Jack was still sound asleep. I stared at him for a long time. I studied his breathing pattern and facial twitches. I wish I knew what he was dreaming about.
As I sat there watching my angel, a moment of clarity came over me, and I suddenly realized something…I was so wrapped up in my own self-pity, and what I needed, that I never once put into consideration the situation I had put Jack in. My actions could have cost him everything: his job, his home, his stability, his sobriety….maybe even his freedom. I could have lost him. How could I have been so blind?
“Jack,” I whispered, nudging his knee. “Wake up.”
Jack’s eyes slowly opened. “How you feelin?” he asked groggily.
“Better, thanks to you.”
He smiled. He was always smiling at me... “Ennis,” he said, burying his face in his hands. “I gotta get you out of here before Shelly gets in.” I could hear the hesitation in his tone. He probably thought I was going to fight him on that, but not today. It was my turn to tend to Jack, and make his life comfortable again.
“I know. I’m goin,” I said, managing a small smile. A look of relief washed over his face. Poor Jack…I still couldn’t believe all the shit I’d put him through in such a short period of time.
I got up from the couch and knelt in front of him. His knees naturally drifted apart for me. I took his hand in mine. “Jack…thank you…for everything.”
He caressed my cheek. “Ennis…you’re so special. You really are. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.”
My heart began to race. Special? I had never been called 'special' before. “You are too, Jack. You are, too.” My eyes dropped between his thighs…I couldn’t help it. He caught me. I blushed. “Sorry…,” I whispered. I “accidentally” looked again, and saw his penis move beneath the fabric of his sweatpants.
Jack didn’t close his legs, nor did he say anything. I looked up into his eyes. I never knew what yearning looked like until that very moment. He broke our gaze, and looked between his legs as his dick continued to plump. “Ennis…,” he sighed breathlessly. “You should go.”
I wanted to touch him. I wanted to see what he looked like down there. I wanted it all, but I pulled back the reins on my urges this time. If I wanted to keep Jack by my side, I had to play by the rules…I had to, no matter how much I ached for him. “I know…Jack…I know.”
*****
I returned to my room and headed straight to the bathroom to jerk off. My dick was literally leaking by the time I got upstairs. I locked the door, pulled down my pants, and pumped a couple squirts of liquid soap into my palm. The second I wrapped my hand around my cock, my balls hiked up into my body and I felt myself ready to unload. I closed my eyes, pretending that Jack was standing there watching me. Instantly, I felt that familiar tingle shoot my groin. I came hard, shooting ribbons of white to the floor. I needed that so bad...
*****
Group session was okay. I could barely concentrate though. The "visit" with my mother couldn't have gone any worse, which didn't surprise me. She didn't say anything to me that I hadn't already heard about a million times. That was Mom, my mom. She was something, right? The only thing that did get to me was the fact that Jack met her under those circumstances. Jack was my strength. My mother was my weakness. Mixing the two made my head spin. At least now Jack understood why I was the way I was, not that I was looking for any excuses, or anything. I turned the switch off in my head about the whole ordeal, and allowed my thoughts to drift back to Jack, and the fact that he had hardened for me a second time now. I couldn't get the images out of my mind...not that I wanted to.
*****
“Jesus, Jack. What the hell were you thinking letting the Del Mar kid’s mother in here like that?” I heard Dr. Lambertus say as I stood in the hallway, about to go in for my counseling session. Instead of entering the room, I stayed outside and listened.
“I’m so sorry…I had no idea she was that messed up,” Jack said, his voice shaking. I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes.
“Well, according Amy, she could smell the alcohol on her from the hallway,” Dr. Lambertus added.
“I’m sorry. I really am, Doc. She wanted to see her son. What the hell was I supposed to say? No?”
Oh Jack...this wasn’t your fault…
“Jack, this is supposed to be a safe haven for these people. You really-”
I heard where Dr. Lambertus was going with this, and I barged into the room to save Jack’s ass. “I wanted to see her,” I lied.
“Ennis...go outside,” Jack said sternly.
“No.” I turned my eyes to Dr. Lambertus. “I really wanted to see her.”
“Ennis, you don’t have to lie…,” Jack said quietly.
“What? It’s the truth.”
“Ennis…,”Jack sighed.
Dr. Lambertus looked at Jack then at back at me. “Jack, you can go. It’s time for Ennis’s session.”
“Yes, sir,” Jack replied, avoiding eye contact with me.
Dr. Lambertus waited until Jack left the room. “Sit down, Ennis.”
I took a seat in the big, red, scary chair. Dr. Lambertus grabbed my file, and brought his glasses to the end of his nose as he began to reread his notes.
“Well, to start, I want you tell me how you are doing with your medication. Have you noticed any side effects?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Not really.”
“Good. Just so you know, the Wellbutrin takes about three to four weeks to work itself into your system. If you notice any unpleasant changes, you must bring it to my attention immediately, okay?”
I nodded. So long as I was able to keep getting my dick up, it was all good.
“We may need to play with your dosage a little, or switch medications all together if in a month’s time you’re still experiencing a lot of anxiety, or bouts of depression, alright?”
“Okay,” I replied. I hated the fact that I was on “cuckoo meds.” I felt like such a failure.
Dr. Lambertus closed my file, folded his hands and leaned back in his chair. I knew what was coming. He wanted me to talk. I closed my eyes for just a moment. I had to do this for myself, but more importantly...for Jack.
They say you have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. I always thought that was a bunch of crap. I had always hated myself, that was never going to change, but then I met Jack. My feelings for him were the reason I wanted to get better, the reason I wanted to get up in the morning, and the only reason I wanted to be alive. Love myself? What a joke.
“Ennis, I’d like to apologize for the incident that happened yesterday with your mother. Jack never should have allowed her to see you under those circumstances.”
I felt my eyes get real wide and I leaned forward. “No! It wasn’t Jack’s fault. I wanted to see her! I did. How were any of you supposed to know what a drunk she is?” I couldn’t let Jack take the wrap for this. If he got kicked out, there was no way in hell I was gonna stay.
“Jack admitted he was at fault, Ennis. You don’t have to cover for him. He’s not in any danger of losing his job, if that’s what’s concerning you,” he reassured.
I let out a long, steady sigh. Thank God
“I…I know, but I really wanted to see her, honest.” Like I said before, I hated getting caught in a lie. I’d lie to the bitter end if I had to.
Dr. Lambertus raised his eyebrows, causing his forehead to crinkle. I couldn’t tell if he bought it or not, but as long as Jack’s job wasn’t on the line, it didn’t really matter to me what he believed.
“So, where shall we start today? What would you like to talk about?” he asked. I actually admired the fact that he didn’t jump at the chance to pin me against the wall about the fact that I had lied about my mother being this sweet, loving school teacher. I thought for sure he would, but he didn’t.
I shrugged my shoulders again. I really didn’t know what the hell to say. “Well…I…I don’t know.”
“Tell me what’s going through your mind at this very moment,” he asked.
“Well, I was thinking about how happy I am that you didn’t ask me anymore questions about my mom,” I blurted out.
Dr. Lambertus smiled. “Ennis, I don’t want you to dread these sessions. I’m not here to judge you, or pick you apart. As I said before, we can talk about anything you want to, anything.”
He seemed sincere. “Um, okay…how come this place is called the Amethyst house, anyway?”
Dr. Lambertus seemed a little surprised by my question. “Amethyst gets its name from the Greek word amethustos, meaning, “not drunken.”
I don’t know how he said that with a straight face, and an immature laugh slipped past my lips. “Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. It just sounds kind of…Homer Simpson-ish.”
Dr. Lambertus chuckled. “You know, that’s one of my favorite shows,” he said.
“Mine, too! I loved the one where Homer got stuck in the water slide, and they had to dismantle the entire thing to get him out.” I giggled.
“Wait, wait, wait...how about the ‘helper monkey’ episode?” he said, through a genuine laugh.
“Yes! I loved that one! That’s one my top five favorites…,” I laughed. “I used to watch that show with my dad…” I don’t know where that came from, but I went from happy to sad in a blink of an eye.
“Where’s your dad now, Ennis?” I knew Dr. Lambertus would zone in on the “dad slip”, but he had every right to. He was just doing his job.
My first instinct was to keep my mouth shut and get the hell out of there, but when I closed my eyes, I saw my Jack, so I continued. “He left when I was twelve. I haven’t seen him since.” I hadn’t talked about my dad to anyone in years. The last time I spoke of him, was when I was in eighth grade. My grades really started going down the tubes, so my teacher sent me to the guidance counselor. She asked me about my parents, my dad in particular. I lied, and told her he wasn’t home much because of his job.
“Did your parent’s divorce?”
That was a good question. I really had no idea. “I don’t know.”
“What was your dad like, Ennis? Were you close?”
Were we close? Hmm? That was another loaded question. What’s considered close? I hadn’t a clue. “Well, I…I don’t know”
“Did you do things together? Fishing? Sports? Anything like that?”
“No,” I replied, hanging my head. Despair and sadness started to migrate back through my veins. I felt myself start to shut down again. I couldn’t talk anymore. “I’ve got to go,” I said, abruptly standing from my chair. I was sure Dr. Lambertus was going to tell me to sit my ass back down.
“Alright, Ennis. You can go. It was good talking to you today,” he said calmly.
I was a little shocked. “Oh, okay…good. See you tomorrow then.”
“See you tomorrow.”
*****
The café was packed. I scanned the room for Jack, but he was nowhere to be seen. I checked the gym, the rec. room, and the library, but still no Jack. I was just about to give up, when I finally spotted him in the courtyard. I quickly hurried over to him.
“Jack,” I said, looking him up and down. He was wearing jeans, a white t-shirt, and a light green jacket. “What are you doing?”
“I was just about to go for a walk,” he replied, nodding towards the woods behind the facility. I hoped he’d ask me to join him, but he didn’t, so I took it upon myself.
“Can I go with you?”
He hesitated at first and then said, “I suppose, but be sure you sign out first.”
“Sign out? What do you mean?”
“You guys aren’t prisoners here. You can come and go as you please, but you have to sign out and make a note as to where you’re going.”
“Really? I didn’t know that. What if…what if someone leaves and comes back with a bunch of drugs, or somethin?”
Jack arched a brow. “You get kicked out. End of story.”
“Oh.”
“Go ahead and sign yourself out. The book is on the table right as you walk into the main lobby.”
“Okay. Where do I say I’m going?”
Jack smiled. “For a walk with Jack.”
*****
Jack led me through the wide, beaten trails of the woods behind the Amethyst house. It was really beautiful. The fresh scent of pine was all around me. The air was calm and still.
“This all belongs to Dr. Lambertus, you know,” Jack said.
“Really?”
“Yeah. It’s real peaceful, isn’t it? I come out here a lot to just get away and clear my head.”
I realized I was a few steps behind Jack, so I picked up my pace. My hand brushed his. I wanted to hold it.
“Follow me,” Jack said, making a sharp, right turn off the path. I followed him closely as he held aside large tree branches, so I could get through safely. We walked just a short distance until we came across a small clearing. It was really cool. The ground was blanketed with bright, green moss. I didn’t see a single blade of grass. The tall maple and birch trees that surrounded us kind of intimidated me.
“Nice, huh?” Jack said. All I could do was nod. Jack took a seat on an old tree stump that I hadn’t even notice was there, and began to take off his shoes. I joined him.
“Uh…why are we taking off our shoes?” I finally asked.
Jack smiled, ignoring my question at first. He waited until my feet were naked and said, “Go ahead. Walk around in the moss.”
We stood up at the same time, and began lightly stomping around on the earth beneath our feet.
“It feels like…a cold sponge,” I said, squishing my toes together. Jack quietly laughed, following my footsteps.
“It does, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah.” I turned to look at Jack and nearly lost my balance.
“I got ya,” Jack said, steadying me to my feet. Our eyes met. “Jack…” I didn’t know what the hell I wanted to say…I figured maybe he would.
“Come on. Let’s go sit and talk.” Jack walked back to the tree stump and sat down. I settled closely beside him and placed my hands between my knees.
“Ennis…I’m really sorry about…your mother…I feel terrible. You told me you didn’t want to see her. I should-“
I placed my index finger on his soft lips. “Shh…Jack, it wasn’t your fault. I’m fine, really. I’m just glad you didn’t get in trouble…”
I removed my finger from his lips and placed my hand on top of his. He didn’t object. “Ennis. You shouldn’t have lied, though. I know you were just trying to protect me, but…”
“Jack,” I said, squeezing the outside of his warm hand. “If I had been honest with you and Dr. Lambertus about my parents, this never would have happened…Can we just drop it?”
Jack nodded. “Alright.”
“Just one more thing, Jack…I know how much trouble I’ve caused you lately, and for that…I’m truly sorry. I’m really going to make an effort to get myself together, but...should there be any lines we may accidentally cross again, I just want you to know…my lips are sealed. I swear.” I had to say it…I had to. There was no denying that there was something more between us than just a counselor- patient relationship, and I wanted him to know that I was capable of keeping things to myself…just in case.
“In case we “accidently” cross that line, huh?” Jack repeated through half a smile.
I felt my cheeks flush as I desperately tried to get my brain to work. “Well…yeah, I don’t mean...anything crazy…just like…you know…the way you let me crash on your couch and stuff.”
“I see,” he replied softly. I knew there was more he wanted to say, but I got the feeling I had exhausted him completely. So instead, he smiled and looked up to the sky.
“Jack? Did you ever have a girlfriend?” I asked out of nowhere. I’m not sure what it was about Jack, but I just couldn’t seem to keep my mouth shut when I was around him.
Jack lowered his head, staring straight ahead. “Yeah, a couple.”
“Did you sleep with them?”
Jack seemed to understand that I desperate to have someone to talk to, so he didn’t hesitate, not even for a second, to answer me. “Yeah, I did.”
I began to nervously break off small pieces of bark from the stump we were sitting on. “How…how much different is it being with a guy?”
Jack leaned back. “It’s totally different. Women are…soft and sweet, and men are…well…men,” he chuckled. “What about you, Ennis? Have you had ever had a girlfriend?”
“Yeah, kind of. I was a freshman in high school. It only lasted about a month, so it doesn’t really count. I didn’t sleep with her…obviously…”
“It’s okay. You should save yourself for someone really special, Ennis. You deserve that.”
My left knee started bobbing up and down. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to be my first…
“Jack? When you’re with a guy…uh, like…when you’re with a girl, it’s pretty straight forward how the sex is gonna go, but with a guy…how do you know who…you know…um.” I could not for the life of me get this fuckin sentence out. I sounded like a complete idiot.
Jack intentionally pressed his shoulder to mine. “Aw, Ennis…it’s alright. Go ahead and ask me.”
I swallowed a huge glob of spit that had formed in the back of my mouth, turned to Jack, and said in one breath, “How do you know who tops and who bottoms?” I exhaled. I felt like I had just given birth.
Jack’s eyes softened like suede. His eyebrows drew together as he tried to find the “appropriate” words to explain. “Well, usually it’s discussed beforehand. We are guys after all, so we typically don’t tiptoe around the issue of sex like you would with a woman.”
“Oh...” I think I understood…
“Honestly, if you’re not comfortable talking about it with your partner, you probably shouldn’t be having sex in the first place, gay or straight,” he added.
“True. Do you have a boyfriend, Jack?” I spit out.
Jack smiled and shook his head. “Ennis,” he said, drawing out the “s” in my name.
“Whuuut?” I mocked.
“Oh, you’re a smartass now, huh?” Jack wrapped his arm around my neck and put me in headlock. My face was inches from his crotch. Jack playfully gave me a noogie on the top of my head. I pressed my face between his thighs and took a deep breath…I was in heaven. Much to my dismay, he released me.
“Answer me,” I demanded as I lifted my head from his lap.
“No. I don’t have a boyfriend. I…I don’t think I’m capable of having one right now,” he said clearing his throat and straightening his shoulders. I could tell from his body language, he was afraid he’d revealed too much.
“Jack…” I placed my hand on top of his again. “Why would you say that? Why are you not capable?” I knew it was none of my goddamn business, but I had a feeling Jack wanted to talk. After all, he was just as lonely as I was…
“I don’t know. We all have relationship issues, I guess. Doctor Lambertus has really helped me work most of them out, but I still have a long way to go.”
“What kind of issues?”
“Never mind, Ennis. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Look,” I snapped and stood up. “I may be younger than you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand things just the same. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the things you feel.”
“Hey, hey, hey,” Jack whispered. “Sit down.” I returned to my seat with my arms folded across my chest. “I wasn’t insinuating your age, Ennis. I meant about relationships. You said yourself, you’ve never been in one, that’s all I meant by that.”
“Sorry…I didn’t mean to snap.”
“It’s okay. I understand.”
“Jack? Will you please tell me your so called “relationship issues,” I really want to know.”
“It’s none of your business.”
I intentionally let out a really long, obnoxious sigh. “Come on, Jack. Can’t we talk like friends? Can’t we?”
Jack grinned “You don’t give up, do you?”
“No, I don’t. Not on someone like you.” I was determined to burrow into his heart, one way or another.
Jack paused for a moment then looked me in the eye. “The truth is, I’m not sure I’m capable of loving someone in a “normal”…way.”
“Says who?”
“Says…me, says Doc, says all my past partners…”
“That’s bullshit, Jack. I may not know a hell of a lot about relationship stuff, but there’s no right, or wrong way of loving someone.”
Jack smirked. “You’re something else, Ennis. And you’re right, but there are certain behaviors that aren’t appropriate…” Jack pressed his lips together for a second. “We really shouldn’t be talking about this anymore, it’s not right.”
“How are you in a relationship?” I continued, ignoring his request to end the conversation. “Are you possessive, Jack? Do you crave someone to need you all the time?” I was hell-bent on getting inside Jack’s head, especially on the topic of love.
Jack rose from the stump and placed his hands on his hips. He turned to me. His eyes changed from cobalt blue to a dark gray. “Ennis, you’re out of line. Drop it. Let’s get back.”
I got up and without giving it a second thought, I wrapped my hands around his waist and pulled him close to me. “Jack…it’s okay to love the way you do. Some people…some people like that…some people want a possessive partner…some people are needy…like…me, Jack.” So much for controlling myself…Jack was either going to freak out and never speak to me again, or hear me out...
Jack clenched his jaw, puffing short breaths through his nose. I didn’t look away. He closed his eyes. Tears began to run down his cheeks.
“Jack…” I whispered, pulling him as close as possible to my body. He let me hold him. We clung to each other for several seconds. I heard him gasp several times in my ear. The wind began to swirl all around us, then suddenly grew very still. I drew in a sharp, startled breath and Jack’s scent filled my senses. Jack pulled back, and wiped his eyes.
He caressed my cheek. Our lips drew close. “Ennis…this is really twisted…,” he gasped.
Twisted? “I know…but…that’s okay…it’s what we are, Jack.” I stared at his quivering bottom lip.
“Ennis…there’s no “we”, okay? There just can’t be,” he breathed, closing his eyes again.
I saw my chance. It was now or never. I pressed my lips to his, tasting him for only a sweet second. I pulled back before he could react and whispered, “Tell me…tell me you don’t feel that…”
Tbc