Too in Love to Let it Go, Chapter 31, cont'd...
Kurt and Blaine were quiet but stayed close as they made the trip home, their fingers entangled and their shoulders touching. Words weren't necessary. They communicated everything through the pressure of a hand on a shoulder, the tilt of a head, a softened glance. It was the beauty of marriage, Blaine thought contentedly, of being with someone for so many years that they could read your every gesture and expression.
They were silent all the way up to Violet's nursery until the door stared them down, daring them to open it.
Blaine, feeling the need to be the one to break the seal, stepped forward and turned the handle. Gasping, he felt like he'd just stepped into a horror film.
The room was dim, had seen no light but the sun for weeks on end, and a thin film of gray dust rested on everything in the room. The sheer curtains looked ghostly in the late-afternoon light; the stacks of crib pieces and boxes cast eerie shadows on the dull hardwoods. The lavender glider didn't look quite so lavender anymore; in fact, between the dust and the sallow pallor that fell over the room, it looked more like a chair that Miss Havisham might have chosen to make her throne upon. Blaine half-expected it to start rocking of its own volition at any moment.
And then Kurt pushed past him and flicked on the light.
Blaine looked around, blinking fast, memories flooding his veins. He took a deep breath, placing a hand against the wall to try and steady himself.
"Okay," Kurt said, finally breaking the heavy silence. "Let's get this done. We need to talk about what we're going to do with all of this." He sat down cross-legged on the floor, running a finger over one of the dust-covered crib pieces.
"None of it goes in the trash," Blaine said a little harsher than he'd meant to, and the guilt was instantaneous. Breathe, Blaine, just breathe in and out …
"I think that goes without being said," Kurt said softly.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean -"
Kurt reached out to pet Blaine's leg, his hand curling around the back of Blaine's calf and squeezing affectionately. "Honey. It's okay."
Blaine breathed deeply, and it - was okay, sort of.
"Let's start with what we're keeping," Kurt suggested. "Do you think you can handle looking at the box again?"
Blaine closed his eyes. "I think so."
"It's on the top shelf in the closet - I'll get it for you, if you can't reach," Kurt gently teased, and oh thank god he could still make Blaine smile.
"I think I'll manage somehow," Blaine said back. "After all, you did put stepstools in every room after we bought this place, remember?"
Kurt grinned. "Just trying to be helpful!"
Blaine sobered a bit when his hands brushed against the smooth wooden box (and okay, maybe he'd had to stand on his tiptoes a little), and he carefully pulled it from the shelf.
Kurt patted the floor beside him. "Do you want to sit down?"
"I think I'd better." Blaine dropped to the floor next to Kurt, the hardwoods pressing against his tailbone. "Here - you can open it."
"Oh, Blaine …" Kurt breathed as he untied the lavender ribbon, opened the wooden box.
Blaine plastered himself to Kurt's side as they looked through it, pulling out each item, letting themselves wonder over crocheted booties and a pink and blue striped hat, pausing to flip through the book they'd read her before she'd been taken from them.
"I can't believe it was almost five months ago," Blaine murmured, stroking his hand over one of the pages.
"I can't believe it happened," Kurt said, resting his head on Blaine's shoulder. "It kind of feels like a bad dream."
Blaine reached around Kurt's waist and hugged him, and they sat, holding each other, for several minutes.
"I'm glad you kept it," Blaine finally said. "The box, I mean. I wasn't really in my right mind that day, and I know I said some awful things, but I really am, Kurt."
"I'm glad," Kurt said softly, picking up the outfit they'd brought her home from the hospital in. "Nobody will ever be able to say she was never ours…"
"Fuck anyone who thinks that. We know she was."
"I know," Kurt said, laying the sleeper carefully back in the box. "You ready?"
"As I'll ever be," Blaine said. "What's next?"
"Well, we can't put everything in storage," Kurt sighed, unfolding himself from Blaine's arms and closing the box once more. There's not room in our unit. So we need to decide what to keep, and what to consign," Kurt said. He grabbed Blaine's hand and held it tight. "I think we should keep the crib. Just in case …"
Blaine nodded slowly. It made sense - if they ever had another baby, it was a high-ticket item that he wouldn't necessarily want to buy a second time. And if they didn't, well, they had friends who he was sure would love to use it. "Okay. But I think we can consign the bedding. Even if we have another baby - and I am so not ready for that conversation, so let's not even go there - I wouldn't want to use the same pattern," Blaine said softly, gingerly picking up the fitted sheet. "This is hers. It always will be."
"Of course it will, honey," Kurt murmured, kissing him on the cheek. "What about the books?"
"Keep them," Blaine said without further explanation. "And - do we know anybody who's pregnant? I'd hate for all those clothes to go to waste."
"A girl I work with," Kurt said, his voice brittle with pain. "She just found out she's having a girl."
Blaine bit his lip to keep his face from twisting. "That's wonderful," he said thickly.
"I know," Kurt said wetly, not even trying to keep from crying. "She has the most perfect little pregnant belly. It reminds me of Abby's."
"Baby …" Blaine reached out his arms and let Kurt crawl into them again, wrapping him in the warmest hug he could muster.
When Kurt finally let go, he managed a smile. "We've got to stop getting so distracted. Go grab some post-it notes for me, honey. We need to start labeling."
* * *
Saturday, October 21st, 2023
Kurt awoke early the next morning, ready to finish what they'd started.
Having been too spent the night before to actually do anything with the boxes they'd sorted and labeled, he and Blaine had fallen on top of the covers, tangled up in each other, half-dressed, their dinners only partly eaten. They'd moaned through a pair of lazy handjobs and fell asleep, just like that.
After rushing through quiet showers and tugging on warm, comfortable clothes, Kurt and Blaine loaded the boxes labeled with pink and green post-it notes into the trunk of a cab and, armed with a pack of Kleenex in Kurt's coat pocket, started the journey to say goodbye to Violet for good.
The first stop was the easier of the two - they hastily carried box after box up the stairs and into the small locked room, adjusting and rearranging until everything managed to fit.
When Kurt finally stood back and pronounced it finished, they hesitated before locking the door, heading back down the stairs. Because after this came the harder part.
The consignment shop that they were headed to was in Astoria, a part of town they rarely ventured into.
The woman Kurt had spoken on the phone with the evening before was, thankfully, gracious regarding their situation, and agreed to have any checks they received mailed to them so they'd never have to set foot inside again.
As their cab pulled up to the front of the building, which boasted an adorable logo on the sign above the door and carefully decorated storefront windows, Kurt had to pull the pack of tissues from his pocket.
"Hey," Blaine said, covering Kurt's hand with his own. "We're gonna get through this, okay?"
Kurt nodded, wiping his nose with the tissue, and they unloaded the four boxes left in the trunk, and paid their cab driver. They'd be taking the subway home.
They piled the boxes on top of each other and carried them, two apiece, into the store.
"May we help you?" one of the girls behind the counter asked, just as another girl emerged from the back room.
"Oh, you must be the Anderson-Hummels," she said, smiling at them. "I think I spoke with Kurt on the phone yesterday?"
"Ah, right, that's me," Kurt said, juggling the boxes so he could reach forward and quickly shake her hand. "You must be Jamie."
She nodded. "Are you both still alright with our arrangement? You'll leave the boxes here and we'll go through the items after you leave, and if there's anything we can't take, it'll be donated to charity?"
"Yes," Blaine said softly. "Where can we put them?"
Jamie gestured to a table where they set the boxes down and were then handed a clipboard. "Just fill this paper out, and you'll be all set."
Kurt blinked at her for a short moment, then quickly filled out the form with their information on it. "So - that's it?" he asked, handing it back to her. It all felt so quick for something so final.
"That's it," she said, smiling softly. "You two have a good afternoon."
"I -" Kurt stood, a little dumbfounded, looking around at the store. They were in baby and maternity paradise, toys and swings and bottles abounding, even a breast pump here and there. And they were left standing empty-handed.
"Is there something else you need?" she asked, her smile turning a little too bright.
It was Blaine who answered for them, since Kurt's mouth didn't seem to want to work. "No," he said, trying to make his voice sound strong. "No, I don't think there's anything else for us here." He turned to Kurt. "Come on, baby. Let's go home."
Kurt couldn't help the tears that spilled from his eyes as they walked out of the store and back onto the sidewalk, where a brisk autumn breeze was blowing leaves down the street in clusters. He clung to Blaine and Blaine clung to him and they walked too slowly down the sidewalk with their arms around each other. He didn't care who glared at them for taking up one extra person's breadth of room. He needed Blaine's proximity, his nearness, for they were leaving with nothing once and for all, and it would be them against the world from now on once again. He needed to make sure his partner in crime was by his side at all times.
* * *
Blaine sniffled quietly to himself as he walked the last few blocks home from the subway station, his husband on his arm. His breath came out in stutters against the breaking of his heart, and he tucked his chin deeper into his lightweight navy scarf. His mood didn't match the crisp weather, a chilly breeze blowing, but plenty of sunshine, and the corners of his mouth twisted downward as he conjured an image of what was in those boxes, Violet's swing, her beautiful bedding, her stuffed animals. Just the thought of saying goodbye to all of it made him feel cold and dreary in the midst of the vivid sunbeams.
He slowed their pace, not ready to be home. Rounding the last corner, he and Kurt both looked longingly at the kids who were playing on the playground at the Catholic school down the street. He reluctantly opened the door of his building for his husband, watching as Kurt's slim back entered in front of him. A welcome whoosh of warm air washed over him as he held the door while Kurt ambled inside. Following behind him, Blaine pulled his scarf down and unwound it from his neck.
Catching Kurt's arm again, they shuffled toward the elevator together and he sighed, trying to rub some warmth back into Kurt's hands. "Maybe it's getting to be glove-wearing season," he said softly, and kissed Kurt's forehead before they made their way into the elevator.
Four floors later, they were home. Romeo came running up to them as Blaine hung his jacket on the rack by the door. He picked his dog up and gave him a cuddle, inhaling deeply as Romeo licked his face with his pink tongue. Blaine had been burying his face in his puppy dog's fur a lot lately - it reminded him of how compassionate his childhood dog Sport was, and what a comfort he brought in troubled times. Romeo whined to get down and Blaine set him on the floor, letting him run to Kurt, who picked him up and walked toward what used to be the nursery.
Blaine followed him.
The only thing left in the room suggesting what its intended purpose used to be was the lavender paint on the walls. Everything else was gone, packed away, carted off. Alex had come to haul away the glider while they were gone that morning. The room was empty, devoid of everything. Even the ghosts of Violet's memory seemed to have slipped away.
Slowly Blaine curled his hand into Kurt's, watching the sun shine on his husband's face, casting light and shadows on its planes.
They stood and stared for a very, very long time.
And then Blaine watched as Kurt took a breath and set Romeo down on the floor. "I'll be right back," he whispered, and Blaine assumed it was so he wouldn't break the reverent silence that hung in the room.
He came back with the fan of sample paint chips that they'd used to pick the shade of lavender for the nursery.
Blaine looked at it, then looked at the walls, then looked at Kurt's face. He looked calm, but his nose was still red from earlier. Blaine wanted to kiss it.
Kurt held up the fan. "I need an office. Still. Maybe even more now, with the promotion." He paused, his entire face a question.
"Yes," Blaine agreed. "I think you do."
"How do you feel about green?"
"Well, it might depend on the shade, but my initial reaction? I feel yes. Isn't green supposed to be a really Zen color or something?"
"It is," Kurt said, nodding slowly, flipping through the fan to several swatches of light and medium greens, and began holding them up to the wall. "This would look fantastic in the morning light, don't you think?" he asked, pointing to one.
Blaine cocked his head, thinking, picturing Kurt bent over a work desk, his hair highlighted by sunbeams streaming through the window, his sketching hand working tirelessly over a page. "I really think it would."
Kurt must've read something in Blaine's expression, because he reached out and grabbed Blaine's hand, his voice carrying a little pleading tone as he said, "Hey. We're okay, right?"
A little half-smile crossed Blaine's face as he marveled over the past several months, what they'd endured, what they'd fought through. Mostly they were better than okay, sometimes okay was a stretch, but okay wasn't really the point at all. Okay didn't pull them out of hell still in one piece.
"It is ridiculous how much I love you."
"Oh, Blaine -" Kurt dropped the fan of paint swatches and slipped into Blaine's embrace. "I'm ridiculously in love with you, too."
"Well thank god for that," Blaine said, pressing a tender kiss to Kurt's cheek. "Come on, let's go to Benjamin Moore and get some samples - I can hear the paint rollers in the closet. They're begging to be used."
"Ridiculously. In love. With you," Kurt said in reply, punctuating every phrase with a kiss, and yes, they were definitely going to be okay.
Author's notes: I can't believe this story is coming to an end. It has been such a huge process, heart-wrenching at times. I poured myself into it and I can't believe everything I've been reaping from it since. Thank you so much to everyone who's read it, who's stuck with me through over a month of posting, who's wept and wailed and gotten mad and then jumped and rejoiced with me. Thank you for reading it, thank you for loving it.
Huuuuuge thank you to Lokicorey, who was the first person EVER to make me fic!art, who made the amazing and incredible trailer that goes along with this story (which I have watched like ten billion times until my husband is WEARY of it, I'm sure.) You made me feel so, so special, and I love that you love my fic enough to make art for it!!
And, last but absolutely not least, a very, very SPECIAL thanks to my betas:
To Wowbright:
Thank you, from the very, very bottom of my heart, for answering my "who wants to beta this really freaking long rewrite?" post. This (much, much, much better) version of the fic would never have been birthed without you coming on board from the beginning. Thank you for asking me the tough questions, thank you for pushing me, thank you for never letting me throw this fic out the window. Thank you for the squees and the laughter and the consistent encouragement to do better, be better, for believing in this fic and the work I've put into it. You are a magnificent beta and a wonderful friend who I treasure. I love you.
And to Judearaya:
I am so, so glad that Wow brought us together. You've become a true friend to me and I am so thankful for you and your heart and your everything :) Thank you for reading through this whole thing - TWICE - and for squealing and pointing out spelling errors and porn problems (that goes there HOW?) and for the work and love that you put in. I'm sorry I emotionally traumatized you the first time around ;) You have given me endless amounts of encouragement and love, and I am truly grateful to and for you. I love you.
I hope you all enjoyed this last chapter, and fear not: I'm halfway through writing the sequel, so there will be more of our boys soon!