Best friends and numb spots
So, I've realized that I've been neglecting my livejournal in a way...I obviously update it tons, but the problem is that I've got to actually WRITE in it for it to be legit.
So here goes...
These past few days have been very odd...because things are begining to feel a bit like they did last year, and I don't want to feel like that ever again. Here, let me catch you up...
In middle school, I was a giant misfit. I had lots of friends in school, but the only person I hung out with outside of school was Reese, so I guess you could call me a loser, but that isn't relevent, is it?
In ninth grade, I gained friends that I hung out with outside of school with, but I really couldn't relate to them, you know what I mean? I mean, there was a bunch of people who I talked to about anything, but I knew they could never really understand me. Ever have that feeling? Well, I did...
Sophomore year was fun, truly. I had quite a few friends that I hung out with all the time, but my best friend (from this point forward, I won't use names), who I had been friends with in ninth, and I were together constantly. Loads of fun...until I realized that she was one of those, "Can you get me this?" and "But I wanted to hang out with you!" Kind of clingy, bitter, talks behind your back, and a "I want everything I can get out of you" person. So, as soon as I found out, I dropped her...shit happens. She still owes me fourty bucks.
Then, Mid-s'more, I became really good friends with someone else. She was fun...but then we drifted apart. Maybe it was something I did, but that summer I just never saw her. She found a new friend, a new boyfriend, and basically disappeared. End of story.
Last year, my Junior year, I was in the company of yet another person all the time. She had a temper, and used it too often. She made me feel like shit on my sixteenth birthday...which is awful because had spent the summer trying to get over some really bad events. But I'd rather be friendless than spend my time with someone who calls me a bitch, just because she is drunk and I stop her from hurting herself...and various other offences.
Then came someone else, and she's definately not the greatest friend I've ever had. At least none of my other ex-bests had the audasity to try to sneak out to go to her ex's house while I was supposed to be spending the night. Sickening...
So, all this has a point...time before old best bud and current was awful...I ended up staying over at Nick and Heidi's more often because I knew I just didn't want to be alone, or at home, which is worse than being alone. See, there were numb spots...times when I couldn't feel any emotion...whether good or bad. It was pretty bad for a while...some would call it depression and recommend some form of drug, but I wouldn't take it, even if it was supposed to fuck me up...I just didn't want something that would make me act like everything was normal when it wasn't.
Call me attention-seeking, say I was just being an idiot, I don't care...I just know that when Mr. Tehan is ranting, he shouldn't end it with "and how many times has it been that Sara has come in here and said nothing to nobody?" that something is wrong. Now, this may not meaningful to many, but if you know me, you know that my personality is one that strives to be heard.
So, basically, I was a mess. To everyone except Eleanor, of course, who knows all the gory details and was my silver lining, I wasn't being anything other than a typical teenager. Wrong.
But, before you run off to the phone to call some hotline for me, know that I feel much better, now. No more numb spots, and I've seemed to have regained my voice. Go me!
It's just that I've been getting them a few at a time recently...I know I won't go back to that state of mind; I've come too far for that, but I can't help but wonder if there's some connection between my bestfriend troubles (which have happend quite a bit recently) and the numbness.
If not, I just need to find another idea of how to solve it.
If so, I need to fix it. I don't know if just cutting my best friend off is the best idea, but I certainly don't want to stick around if this becomes persistant.
So, if thy best friend numb thee, chuck it out?
So here goes...
These past few days have been very odd...because things are begining to feel a bit like they did last year, and I don't want to feel like that ever again. Here, let me catch you up...
In middle school, I was a giant misfit. I had lots of friends in school, but the only person I hung out with outside of school was Reese, so I guess you could call me a loser, but that isn't relevent, is it?
In ninth grade, I gained friends that I hung out with outside of school with, but I really couldn't relate to them, you know what I mean? I mean, there was a bunch of people who I talked to about anything, but I knew they could never really understand me. Ever have that feeling? Well, I did...
Sophomore year was fun, truly. I had quite a few friends that I hung out with all the time, but my best friend (from this point forward, I won't use names), who I had been friends with in ninth, and I were together constantly. Loads of fun...until I realized that she was one of those, "Can you get me this?" and "But I wanted to hang out with you!" Kind of clingy, bitter, talks behind your back, and a "I want everything I can get out of you" person. So, as soon as I found out, I dropped her...shit happens. She still owes me fourty bucks.
Then, Mid-s'more, I became really good friends with someone else. She was fun...but then we drifted apart. Maybe it was something I did, but that summer I just never saw her. She found a new friend, a new boyfriend, and basically disappeared. End of story.
Last year, my Junior year, I was in the company of yet another person all the time. She had a temper, and used it too often. She made me feel like shit on my sixteenth birthday...which is awful because had spent the summer trying to get over some really bad events. But I'd rather be friendless than spend my time with someone who calls me a bitch, just because she is drunk and I stop her from hurting herself...and various other offences.
Then came someone else, and she's definately not the greatest friend I've ever had. At least none of my other ex-bests had the audasity to try to sneak out to go to her ex's house while I was supposed to be spending the night. Sickening...
So, all this has a point...time before old best bud and current was awful...I ended up staying over at Nick and Heidi's more often because I knew I just didn't want to be alone, or at home, which is worse than being alone. See, there were numb spots...times when I couldn't feel any emotion...whether good or bad. It was pretty bad for a while...some would call it depression and recommend some form of drug, but I wouldn't take it, even if it was supposed to fuck me up...I just didn't want something that would make me act like everything was normal when it wasn't.
Call me attention-seeking, say I was just being an idiot, I don't care...I just know that when Mr. Tehan is ranting, he shouldn't end it with "and how many times has it been that Sara has come in here and said nothing to nobody?" that something is wrong. Now, this may not meaningful to many, but if you know me, you know that my personality is one that strives to be heard.
So, basically, I was a mess. To everyone except Eleanor, of course, who knows all the gory details and was my silver lining, I wasn't being anything other than a typical teenager. Wrong.
But, before you run off to the phone to call some hotline for me, know that I feel much better, now. No more numb spots, and I've seemed to have regained my voice. Go me!
It's just that I've been getting them a few at a time recently...I know I won't go back to that state of mind; I've come too far for that, but I can't help but wonder if there's some connection between my bestfriend troubles (which have happend quite a bit recently) and the numbness.
If not, I just need to find another idea of how to solve it.
If so, I need to fix it. I don't know if just cutting my best friend off is the best idea, but I certainly don't want to stick around if this becomes persistant.
So, if thy best friend numb thee, chuck it out?