Seasons Change
Yet again I find myself silently fighting the onset of a new school year. As usual, I'm not 100% sure of the courses I'll be teaching. *yawn*
The newness comes from having a truly great summer for the first time in years. '07 was lost to settling into a new apartment and learning how to teach journalism. '08 was straight survival mode due to job woes and mom's heart attack. '09 was a scramble to find a job amidst familial insanity. 2006 was the last time I had a carefree summer, so it was about fucking time, I'd say.
This summer I didn't have to worry about my job, thank God. I also got to go back to England for the first time since 2006. That island is good for my heart and soul. It was an amazing trip. A friend from grad school was getting married in Edinburgh, so I explored that haunted, hilly city for the first time. I loved it. I also loved the Scottish highlands. I got it in my head that some day I'll have to hike the highland road, stretching north from Glasgow some 92 miles. I'll have to get a camera before I do though.
I love what my twenties have done for me in terms of independence and confidence. I've always been independent, maybe more out of necessity than desire, but I'm proud that I don't need a "partner in crime" anymore. If a friend is getting married in Scotland, I don't need someone to come with. I can do all the things I want to while in Edinburgh alone and not feel too conspicuous and only a little lonely. I can walk the Royal Mile and tour the Palace at Holyrood House and the Edinburgh Castle without feeling like I need to have or should have someone with me.
Moreover, I can go alone to places in London where I used to go with my best friend, appreciate the times I had, and have new fun. I can navigate the trains between London and Edinburgh without a study group. I don't let being alone hold me back. And I don't worry about what people think about me or about me being alone. I can go to a party and only know 3 people, having just met them two days before. I can meet up with a friend I haven't seen in 4 years and hardly knew then and catch up and discuss modern art intelligently. I can see that there's a football match tomorrow and convince a friend to go with me to Wembley without tickets but money in hand. I can sit in the park during a rain storm, watch the ducks and the water, and write a poem.
It's hard to explain. It's a kind of letting go. It's not caring so much, not that I ever cared a lot. It's doing things for me because I want to do them. It's not making excuses for not doing what I want.
Of course, I still have hang ups, but they seem to be reduced in number and severity. It's freedom from myself to be myself. It's courage.
I also ended up writing a lot while I was there. I haven't re-read any of it yet, so I don't know if I'm rightfully proud of it. I'll let you know.
Something related, if you can follow my thought process... I started a tumblr account to blog and thought about deleting my live journal altogether. But I changed my mind and deleted the tumblr account instead. If I bury anything I've written here, it wouldn't be honest. I'd be hiding, pretending. It wouldn't be right. I've felt for a long time that it's everything we go through that shapes who we are. And part of what my twenties has done for me is made me accept myself more, even those moments that are so embarrassing you have to cover your eyes when you remember them.
It's with my hands only moving slowly to my eyes that I'm greeting autumn 2010 living in NYC with the roommate I met 10 years ago at Roanoke College in Salem, VA.
It's with only a half cringe that I'm clicking "Post to lauritajd."
It's with my head held high that I'm gushing about my summer to anyone who asks when I go back to school.
The newness comes from having a truly great summer for the first time in years. '07 was lost to settling into a new apartment and learning how to teach journalism. '08 was straight survival mode due to job woes and mom's heart attack. '09 was a scramble to find a job amidst familial insanity. 2006 was the last time I had a carefree summer, so it was about fucking time, I'd say.
This summer I didn't have to worry about my job, thank God. I also got to go back to England for the first time since 2006. That island is good for my heart and soul. It was an amazing trip. A friend from grad school was getting married in Edinburgh, so I explored that haunted, hilly city for the first time. I loved it. I also loved the Scottish highlands. I got it in my head that some day I'll have to hike the highland road, stretching north from Glasgow some 92 miles. I'll have to get a camera before I do though.
I love what my twenties have done for me in terms of independence and confidence. I've always been independent, maybe more out of necessity than desire, but I'm proud that I don't need a "partner in crime" anymore. If a friend is getting married in Scotland, I don't need someone to come with. I can do all the things I want to while in Edinburgh alone and not feel too conspicuous and only a little lonely. I can walk the Royal Mile and tour the Palace at Holyrood House and the Edinburgh Castle without feeling like I need to have or should have someone with me.
Moreover, I can go alone to places in London where I used to go with my best friend, appreciate the times I had, and have new fun. I can navigate the trains between London and Edinburgh without a study group. I don't let being alone hold me back. And I don't worry about what people think about me or about me being alone. I can go to a party and only know 3 people, having just met them two days before. I can meet up with a friend I haven't seen in 4 years and hardly knew then and catch up and discuss modern art intelligently. I can see that there's a football match tomorrow and convince a friend to go with me to Wembley without tickets but money in hand. I can sit in the park during a rain storm, watch the ducks and the water, and write a poem.
It's hard to explain. It's a kind of letting go. It's not caring so much, not that I ever cared a lot. It's doing things for me because I want to do them. It's not making excuses for not doing what I want.
Of course, I still have hang ups, but they seem to be reduced in number and severity. It's freedom from myself to be myself. It's courage.
I also ended up writing a lot while I was there. I haven't re-read any of it yet, so I don't know if I'm rightfully proud of it. I'll let you know.
Something related, if you can follow my thought process... I started a tumblr account to blog and thought about deleting my live journal altogether. But I changed my mind and deleted the tumblr account instead. If I bury anything I've written here, it wouldn't be honest. I'd be hiding, pretending. It wouldn't be right. I've felt for a long time that it's everything we go through that shapes who we are. And part of what my twenties has done for me is made me accept myself more, even those moments that are so embarrassing you have to cover your eyes when you remember them.
It's with my hands only moving slowly to my eyes that I'm greeting autumn 2010 living in NYC with the roommate I met 10 years ago at Roanoke College in Salem, VA.
It's with only a half cringe that I'm clicking "Post to lauritajd."
It's with my head held high that I'm gushing about my summer to anyone who asks when I go back to school.