A Fair Distance. Comes a Time. Chapter Seventeen [The last chapter]
Title: A Fair Distance: Comes a Time. Chapter Seventeen. Epilog to follow on the next post due to size restrictions.
Fandom The Sentinel
Author: Laurie
Type: Slash
Rating: PG-17 (for the series)
Word count: 16,532 words
Warnings: Link to warnings for the entire series
Written for Sentinel Thursday Challenge 123. Epiphany
Beta’ed by t_verano. She's been with me every step of the way on this journey since 2007, when I threw Blair in jail and went, well, now what?
Summary for A Fair Distance: A year after Blair left Jim, and Cascade, they meet again in a small Tennessee town. Blair's been arrested and is being held for questioning at the request of the Cascade PD.
This is the third and final arc to the story, and the two earlier arcs, A Fair Distance: Running on Empty and A Fair Distance: Ball and Chain, as well as several time stamps, can be located at my LJ here or at Artifact Storage Room 3 here or at AO3 here. I believe that AO3 has a nifty feature that allows you to download onto E-readers.
Nobody watching Blair joking and scarfing down pizza with Bev and her friend from Vancouver - the Washington state city, not the Canadian one -- would ever guess that he'd conducted an intense session on the spiritual plane just hours ago.
We'd talked for a while after I returned home. Hearing how my grandfather had treated his sons had been a punch in the gut. With that kind of role model, my dad had done better as a parent than I'd realized. He had never viciously whipped Steven and me, although I remembered a few spankings. Deserved, though. The time I'd crayoned all over the walls came to mind.
Blair thought it was interesting that Dad hadn't tried to install homophobia in me or my brother. He'd actually tried to teach us to be tolerant of other people.
Still didn't mean he wanted his sons to be different. I wondered what he would have done if he'd caught me making out with one of the boys I'd been attracted to as a teen.
His trying to send Blair away made sense. His father had done that with Johnny.
I felt for the abused kid my dad had been. I had questions for the adult he'd become, and I was ready to ask them. Blair and I agreed we'd try again tonight or tomorrow to question him. Blair was feeling very protective of William-the-child, and I assured him that if William chose to appear as a kid again, I wouldn't be harsh with him.
I wouldn't make the same promise about the adult that little boy had grown up to be.
After we'd dissected the whole encounter, though, we both were looking forward to a break. So we had hit the gym before heading over to Rosa's to hang out with Bev.
Her pal was a deputy district attorney, about forty-five years old, attractive, dark-haired and dark-eyed, and well-muscled He and Bev were obviously good friends, but it wasn't her he was interested in courting.
It was Blair.
I'd figured it out fairly quickly. The guy kept shooting these assessing looks at Blair, in between smiling at him. He was more subtle at it then at questioning a witness on the stand, but he was definitely conducting an interrogation. It was like he was deciding if he wanted to date Blair or not.
Blair had caught on, too. We were sitting next to each other in the booth, and he entwined our legs together, body language for “I'm with you.” I patted Blair on the thigh to let him know I wasn't going to revert to being a jealous asshole just because someone else showed some interest in him.
Joshua Rickman asked a lot of questions about Blair's former role in Major Crimes. Beverly brought up cases she knew about where Blair's assistance had been invaluable. She emphasized how Blair had risked being shot at to help save her life, and how Bergman had been caught because Blair had played bait.
It started being sort of a contest between Bev and me. She'd mention a case where Blair had played a pivotal role and then I'd jump in with one where he'd saved other people's lives or had saved my bacon. Blair dug his elbow in my side a few times to shut me up, but I've had training to withstand torture. Besides, I reasoned, after all the shit that had been dumped on Blair's reputation, it was about time he got to hear some good opinions about himself.
Joshua held his hand up after I'd laid it on about how Blair had rescued me from drowning in a vat of black oil while on a n oil rig during a case. I explained that he'd figured out how to lower machinery into that damned tank so I could climb up, and then had ignored his own safety in order to stop a ticking bomb from sending trapped men to the bottom of the sea.
“Have you had training in bomb defusing, Blair?” Joshua asked.
“No. Well, Joel, one of the guys I observed in Major Crimes, showed me a few things, but I think that was after that time on the rig. And let me tell you right now, I was scared to death. I had to lie down after the clock stopped on the bomb, I was that shaky. Man, only seconds were left on the thing.”
He gave an exaggerated shudder and then grinned at us. “Don't let these two give you the wrong idea about me. I'm really not the hero type. Now Jim, he's the one that does things like handcuff himself to a freaking helicopter when it's trying to take off with a couple of homegrown terrorists. He's definitely the hero type. I'm more of a sidekick.”
Sidekick, my ass, I thought. We were going to have a talk about that when we got home. Partner was the correct term.
“Well, you've had a lot of training in other areas, I hear. A masters in anthropology, a minor in psychology, and I understand you're working on your Ph.D in anthropology?”
Blair said, “Yes,” and gave Bev a questioning look.
Rickman said, “You've done some interesting research, gone on quite a few expeditions.” He raised his eyebrow. “And now you're driving semis, correct?”
I shot Beverly a look, too. This guy knew a hell of a lot about Blair for someone who had met us for a casual night out with a friend.
Beverly winked at me. From the look on her face, she was up to something. I suddenly doubted she'd brought Joshua along just for his company. Besides, while her friend was showing a lot of interest in Blair, I still hadn't detected any signs of the guy being sexually aroused.
Blair said yes, he was driving big rigs. He spin doctored things a bit, telling them how he enjoyed seeing sights around the country and being a participant-observer within a blue-collar occupation. He kept his mouth shut about the long hours and the loneliness. He didn't talk about how he sometimes got harassed if he picked the wrong place to catch a meal.
Now that he was controlling the conversation, he focused on asking Beverly and Joshua about the conference they'd just attended and their jobs, and for Joshua, questions about Vancouver.
The Couve, Joshua said, had recently expanded and was expected to keep growing. Portland being right across the river meant that there was easy access to the perks of being near a large city, but Vancouver had a lower cost of living, cheaper housing, and better schools.
He said he enjoyed his work and thought that his entire department worked well together. He glanced at Bev and nodded, and she stood up.
“Jim, Blair, it's been great to see you guys again. I'm going to head home, but Joshua has something to discuss with Blair. Call me soon. I'd love to do this again.”
Suddenly I remembered me asking Bev to keep an eye out for a job for Blair. Looks like Joshua had wanted to form his own opinion before actually discussing any potential employment with my partner.
I stood up, too. “Bev, I'll walk you out to your car.”
She said her goodbyes to Joshua, and I leaned over Blair and gave him a kiss. Might as well put our relationship out there and find out right now if it was going to be a problem.
Blair said, as I straightened up, “Love you too, Jim. Give us a few minutes, okay?”
I nodded, and Bev and I walked out to the parking lot. She filled me in on why she'd brought Joshua to meet Blair, and I gave her a warm hug and thanked her for her help.
xxx
“So, if Bev hadn't already clued you in, or if you hadn't figured it out yet, Jim and I are in a committed relationship. And I'm curious to hear what we have to discuss, if that's still on the table.” I picked up my bottle of Sam Adams and readied myself for whatever Joshua was cooking up.
He waved his hand carelessly. “Congratulations to you and Jim. From the stories I've heard tonight, it seems you have a very solid partnership.” He beckoned a waitress over and asked for a refill on his iced tea.
Almost sternly, he said, “Now let me be honest with you. Frankly, admitting to being fraudulent with your research on sentinels should disqualify you from any consideration from me.”
“You checked me out.” Oh, joy.
“Yes, I've done my homework on you, although the whole idea of sentinels sounds like science fiction.” He sounded a little wry.
Then he flicked his index finger towards me, “As I was saying, you falsified your research, according to your press conference. But you admitted to it, and technically, you hadn't turned in your dissertation. What that does is leave things in a very gray area. The media portrayed you as a man so greedy and lacking in ethics that you abused the trust of your research subject and wrote reams of lies about him. But I'm finding it hard to believe that a man like that turned down a sizable amount of money for the release of his research in order to drive trucks for a living.” He leaned back against the back of the booth, studying me like I was an interesting bug or something.
I said mildly, “Why do you care about any of it? I mean, we're strangers, and yeah, I can see how you could feel indignant that I tried to cheat, but why meet with me? Do you feel a burning need to lecture me on my shoddy ethics, or something?” I should just brush off what he was saying - he didn't know the truth -- but I'd enjoyed talking to him tonight, and I was confused now. And maybe a little hurt. Did Beverly know he was going to jump me about the diss? That seemed crazy. Bev had been nothing but nice to me ever since we'd first met. For a while, I thought she and Jim might kindle something, but they'd let that fire die. We were all friendly, though, so it didn't make sense for her to arrange this meeting tonight so this stranger could bust my chops over my failings.
Straightening up, he started tapping his fingers impatiently against his glass. “What I think,” he said slowly, “is that you did lie, but not about your research. And it's only important to me because it speaks to your character. I mentioned that I'm a deputy district attorney for Clark County. My office is in Vancouver, and I'm recruiting top-notch people to apply for two positions that are opening up for prosecuting attorney investigators.”
I started twisting the beer bottle around and around. This was about a possible job. “Um, two positions?”
Nodding, he said, “Yes. One of our investigators is retiring, and the other is moving across the river to be an investigator for Portland's team. I'm of the opinion that your skills and experience would make you a good addition to our team. I understand that you have a home here in Cascade, but Vancouver and Portland have a lot to offer. For one thing, it could be a fresh start for you and Jim. I know from Bev that the two of you have had a lot of unwanted media attention ever since you held that press conference. I doubt the Columbian would follow in the Cascade papers' footsteps.”
Joshua got his wallet out and gave me his business card. “You're a problem solver, Blair, and an anthropologist would bring a unique viewpoint to the team, as you appear to have done with your work as a consultant for Major Crimes here in Cascade. You're experienced with police procedures and investigations.”
Clearing his throat, he gave me a small smile. “I, ah, admit that it took some convincing by Beverly before I agreed to come and meet you. I'm glad that she prevailed, though, because while I think there is more to the story of you destroying your reputation, I've been impressed tonight, and I'd like you to come and interview for the position.”
I struggled not to gape at him. An investigator? That could be interesting, but I wanted more details. “What qualifications would I need, exactly? And what would the job entail?”
He said, “The job information is posted at the website on my business card, but basically, you've got the education and the three to five years experience needed in investigations from being a consultant with Major Crimes. You don't have to have been an actual police officer, although we do have a lot of applicants who are retired cops. You work in a team, as I said, with other investigators, legal assistants, victim advocates and deputy prosecuting attorneys. Your supervisor would be one of the prosecuting attorneys. You would liaison with the police, conduct interviews, gather and analyze data for reports, track down witnesses, serve subpoenas and summons, and investigate all claims against city employees, for starters.”
He leaned forward. “I didn't just take Beverly's word about you. I called around in Cascade, checked with the Seattle police. I've been impressed by what I've heard about your abilities to handle people. You say that you're not the hero type, but you've done heroic things. You've put yourself at risk for other people.” I looked away, feeling embarrassed.
He touched my arm, and I refocused my attention on him.
“Look. I want to be realistic; that whole mess about claiming to be a fraud will hurt your chances of landing the job, if you apply. But I'm encouraging you to come down and interview with us anyway. In person, I think you can sway people to give you a chance. Apply on-line and send us your resume by email. I'll make sure you get a fair shake when you talk to the rest of the hiring committee. And the Vancouver P.D. is accepting lateral transfers, if Jim is interested in changing jobs. Vancouver isn't Cascade; we don't get as much in the way of high-profile cases, but we've got a good department. Or he could apply to Portland's P.D. If he was able to transfer to our P.D, though, and if you were hired, you could be assigned to his department. Blair, I'm saying you could work together again, although not exclusively. From what I've heard from Simon Banks, you two made a helluva team.”
He stood up. I followed suit, and we shook hands. “One last thing, Blair. If you get the job you need to get a concealed weapons permit. Are you familiar with firearms?”
I straightened and said evenly, “I've used them, when I've had to. I was prepared to go to the police academy at one time, so, yeah, if there's no other way and to save a life, I'll use a gun.”
“Some additional documentation on passing written and skills firearms tests will be needed, as well.” He smiled warmly at me, “Good luck, Blair. I hope to see you soon. We plan to begin interviewing in two weeks. One job starts in July, the other in August.”
He walked briskly through the restaurant and I sat back down, in a bit of a daze. I'd check out the details of the posting on the website he'd given me when we went home. Jim and I were going to have to talk about this. I wasn't sure he really wanted to move, although he'd mentioned it as a possibility. Hell, I wasn't sure I wanted to move. Cascade was my home. I'd lived here, except for last year and when I was on expeditions, for almost fifteen years. I loved Jim's loft. And I did have another possible job with the advertising company. Being an ethnographer could work out.
I stood back up and whispered, “Jim, let's go. I'll meet you at the truck.”
He had the motor running by the time I climbed in, and he pulled out of the parking lot towards home. I was bursting with conflicting feelings and when Jim looked over at me, I started babbling.
“You were listening, right? I'm feeling kind of blown away, and Bev, she set this up, and that was so nice of her to recommend me for this investigator position and it does sound like a really cool job, but then we'd have to move and this is your city, Jim. You're Cascade's sentinel, and these people are your tribe, and this is your home. You belong here. You know, I wasn't sure I'd ever feel like Cascade was my home again after you brought me back here, but even though an entire busload of crap has come down on us, I think this does feel like home. Kind of a shitty one, I guess, but it's familiar, you know. I mean, I've lived in lots of other places when I was a kid and I've traveled as an anthropologist, but ever since I started college I guess I've tagged Cascade as the old home base. I love our loft, and, man, you're established here. You have friends and Steven and Simon. You've been honored as the cop of the year by your colleagues. You're one of the senior detectives in Major Crimes, and being a cop in Vancouver will be like being sent down from the major leagues to the minors, and I can't ask that of you, to uproot yourself like that. I won't apply, okay. I can do that ethnographer job if I get hired and when it's over, if they don't have a new study for me to help with, something else will come along, or I can go back to driving again, or--”
Jim pulled onto a side street and parked.
“Okay, take a deep breath, Blair, and let it out slowly. Don't try talking until I tell you to, understand?”
“But--”
“Breathe. Just breathe for a while, and then I've got something to say.”
He placed his hand over my heart, and said encouragingly, as I did as he said and slowed my breathing, “Good. You're doing better. Your heartbeat is slowing back down. Hang on for a little longer, Chief, and then we'll talk.”
He changed to just holding my hand after those long minutes had ticked by.
“All right. Let's get some assumptions out of the way. You made me sound like I'm bonded to Cascade, that I'm like a serf, tied to this piece of real estate. I'm not, Blair. I'm really not. I joined the Army, and when I did my people became those men who were in my unit. When I lost them in Peru the Chopec became my people until I was recalled. I returned to Cascade because it had been my home as a kid and it was familiar, but there was no compulsion to only live here. I guess you could say that I am Cascade's sentinel, but if we move somewhere else, that would change. I would consider myself a sentinel of that new city or area.”
He squeezed my hand. “Blair, I go to work. I do my job. I work hard, but I can't say I really enjoy being in Major Crimes anymore. People are still making comments about Dad, and you, and speculating way too much about my sexual orientation. To be fair, they're not often making those comments to me but I hear them just the same. It's gotten old. And the guys we used to be tight with have moved on: Simon, Conner, Henri, Rafe. And now that Joel's retired, I don't particularly feel connected to anybody who's a co-worker. I'm in a dead end there, so let's not cross out moving to Vancouver because you don't think I would welcome a change. And I'm still pissed about how you were treated. Are still treated. I can't even take you up with me to the bullpen. On my end, getting to spend time with you on the job again is nothing but a plus.”
I sighed. “Jim, man, I love you, but just how much of that situation with Major Crimes is because you're sitting at your pristine desk, glowering at people if they annoy you. Are you trying to make friends with the current crew? Or are you sending out 'Don't talk to me unless it relates to a case' vibes?”
Jim furrowed his brow, thinking it over. “Yeah, it might partly be my fault, but it's hard for me to say to somebody, 'Hey, want to get some lunch together,' or ask them if they want to stop and get a beer after work, when I've heard them speculating on which one of us fucks the other one.”
“And you don't think Henri has probably said the same stuff?”
“He has. But he makes it clear that he considers us all friends and... it's just different. Also, he doesn't say things behind my back. If he's going to be crude and rude it's when I'm there to zing him, too, so it ends up just being a lot of bullshitting. Another thing. Cascade has a lot of sad memories for me. I really wouldn't mind making a clean break.”
“What about leaving the loft?”
“Babe, it's been a great place to live in, but that doesn't mean we can't find a good place if we move. We both like it out in the country; it's just been convenient to live right in the city. We should talk about that some more. I keep picturing you making a garden for fresh vegetables and growing those herbs you like to make into remedies for this and that.”
“Does that mean if I grow my own herbs you'd swallow my concoctions?”
He just laughed and I smiled, relaxing a little more.
Jim squeezed my hand. “Some woods nearby or on our property would be nice. It's always surprising to me when we go camping away from the noises in the city how much more relaxed I feel. And we could have a workshop for your welding, and I've been thinking about trying out some woodworking.”
Jim had mentioned this before to me, about the garden and workshops. But we could maybe do some rooftop gardening at the loft. Maybe even put up a small workshop up there, too.
I might be seeing what I wanted to see. Jim as the “Sentinel of the Great City” instead of Jim, a man who just happened to be a sentinel. This was something I should pursue in meditation.
Jim added, “And as far as gay-friendly places to live, Vancouver's pretty good, I hear.”
I knew that. Unlike some cities, Vancouver didn't have mostly gay neighborhoods, but the research data indicated same-sex couples were fairly well represented in all areas of the city. I liked that idea. My sexual orientation was not how I wanted to be defined, anyway.
“Jim, you're making a good case for moving. If I decide to apply for the job. If I get the job. Are there any other reasons to move to Vancouver if I'm offered the job?”
Jim nodded slowly. “Maybe. I'm still thinking it through for myself, Chief, but when I figure it out, I'll tell you. Promise.”
He looked thoughtful. “Blair, I know you decided to go to Rainier to get away from your abuser without having to let your mom know anything about it, but then he was killed. So why did you decide to go to Rainier after he was out of the way? I mean, you could have traveled with your mom, or gotten a job somewhere.”
I was silent for a minute, thinking. “I guess I just felt I was ready for a change. Rainier offered me a scholarship so that was a big influence.”
“Well, I'm feeling like it's time for a change. I'm not so stuck in my ways that I can't do something different. I decided to join the Army, I decided to leave the Army and become a cop. And now, I'm feeling like it's time for something new, something better. But most of all, I want whatever we decide to be something that fulfills you.”
Jim looked so earnest, so concerned. Goddess, I loved him.
“Hey, let's have some faith in the universe that things will work out. I think I'm done panicking for now, so let's head for home, James.”
He let go of my hand and started up the truck. “We got any beer there?”
“I don't remember. Want to visualize the fridge's contents, see what's in your memory?”
“Not really. Let's just stop on the way, get some beer and some pretzels and chips. No harm in being fortified for the rest of the discussion tonight.”
I snorted, and then outright laughed. It was so good to be home and spending time with Jim. I wasn't looking forward to leaving again in a few days.
xxx
In the end we decided I'd apply to the Vancouver P.D., and Blair would do the second interview for the ethnographer job and drive down to Vancouver and interview for the investigator position. If he got a solid job offer from either one, or both, or possibly another position, then we'd figure out our options. He wondered about trying for a state investigator job here in Cascade, but I'd already thought about that and had asked Bev's opinion when we'd talked out in the parking lot. It was a “Sorry, Charlie” kind of deal, she'd said. She'd put out feelers with her boss, and he'd said no. Blair's relationship with the PD and the Chief of Police was just too damaged.
He did jump on his computer and check out the posted job description. I read it over his shoulder and thought it would suit him to a T. It was a lot of the same skills that he would have used as a detective. When I retired from active police work, I might even see about getting hired on, if Blair was still there.
He asked if I'd go with him down to the firing range so he could practice. He wanted to take the test results with him when he had his interview, as well as his permit to carry concealed weapons.
He yawned, and said he'd apply tomorrow. We ended up drinking one last beer and watching an old Bonanza rerun, and Blair kidded me about the time I'd tried to learn a Texas accent from that show.
“Let's hear that Texas twang, pardner.”
“You're never going to let me forget that, are you?”
“Nope. One of the perks of married life, I guess.”
“I can think of some better ones.” I took the half-full beer from his hand and set it on the coffee table with my empty one. I tugged at him until he was sideways in my lap, a heavy, pleasant weight across me. I kissed his neck -- I've always loved kissing Blair's neck - and he made an encouraging, interested sound. Blair's always loved me kissing his neck, too. On impulse, I shifted his hair and traced the faint scar from the bite my spirit guide had given him. Tenderly, I gently bit him again on that exact place. Blair made a needy, demanding plea that clearly communicated what he wanted from me, without ever voicing a single word.
I had a theory that the scar that marked Blair as mine had become such an erogenous spot because of the connection to the spirit world. I wasn't sure why. I just knew that I was drawn to it, to lick it and bite it and kiss it. Blair's body would become so pliant; he could come just from me doing those things to it. I was glad his scar didn't hurt him or feel weird when I touched it. Other than having nerve endings directly tied to his dick. That I considered a bonus.
“Down here, like this, or upstairs. Choose, Blair.”
He gave a groan of frustration but slowly slid off my lap. “Let's get comfortable in bed. The last time we did it on the couch, you ended up with a crick in your neck, remember?”
If we moved, I was getting rid of this couch. I wanted one big enough that we could make out or sleep together on it in comfort.
“Good point. But once we're up in bed, I'm picking up where I left off.”
His eyes darkened, and widened, and my favorite scent in the world started filling the air.
Oh, yeah. Having Blair home was such a treat.
xxx
The phone ringing was a welcome distraction from my thoughts, and I eagerly answered it, hoping it was Blair. He had left that morning to drive to Sacramento and would be back tomorrow. It was a short run, but I missed him when he wasn't home. We'd had a busy couple of weeks. Blair did the second interview for the ethnographer job and then drove to Vancouver. He said the committee interviewing him for the investigator position had grilled him pretty good, but he felt they'd been fair. He'd also done runs to Bismarck, Salt Lake City, Denver, and Oklahoma City.
“Hi,” Blair said, his voice warm and comforting. “It's me. I'm all tucked up in my bunk, and I was thinking about you. Did you wrap up your case today?”
“Nah, the feds took it over. I swear they wait until we get all the legwork done, and then it's 'we'll take it from here.' I think our perp headed out of state, but they think he's just holed up.”
“You don't sound that concerned.”
“I'm not. The feds are welcome to that joker. Hey, I heard from the Vancouver P.D, though. I'm scheduled for oral and written testing a week from next Monday. Want to come along? Check out what Vancouver and Portland have to offer?”
“You bet. I'll see if I can be scheduled off for two or three days so we can have time to really look around.” Blair sounded excited, but then I heard him take a deep breath. “We're just checking out our options, right? I mean, just because we're both applying for jobs in Vancouver doesn't mean we're going to move. I'm still processing what feels right, and really, I'm still sitting firmly on the fence. What about you?”
“I'll follow your lead.”
Blair said, a stubborn tone to his voice, “No, I want to know what you really think.”
I laughed at him. “Blair, I've already told you that I'd be fine with moving to Vancouver and I'd welcome the change. But if you want to stay in Cascade, I'll be okay. You know that I did what you asked and started acting more friendly with some of the people in Major Crimes.”
“And?”
“It's possible that a few of them have some potential to be decent enough to work with. Oh, and I went out to lunch with Henri today. Boy, you should see his pictures of the baby. She's really grown. She'll be crawling soon. Hey, he said we should come over for poker and barbeque when you get back. He said he'd get Simon and maybe Daryl over, too. And Joel. Want to go?”
“A chance to relieve you guys of your cash and play with the baby?” he teased. “Sounds good to me. And speaking of barbeque, we're still taking Steven out to Jimmy-Jack's when I get back, correct?”
“Yep. I called him today and confirmed that he's free on his birthday. He, uh, was asking about when we thought we could put Dad's house on the market. I told him not yet. I told him we thought Dad was still around, just kind of hiding from us. I swear, if he hadn't seen Dad's ghost, too, he would have thought I'd gone off the deep end when I told him about the spirit plane and how we can go there.”
Blair chuckled. “It does sound strange, but then you're a sentinel and I'm a shaman. Weird comes with the territory. I'm going to try again before I go to sleep to see if I can find your dad. I'm not sure how time would be measured on the spirit plane, but I know he doesn't have much left. Why don't you try to meditate, too? Maybe we can meet up at the pool.”
“I'll try. See you in the flesh tomorrow.”
I told him I loved him then and reluctantly hung up the phone, and headed up to bed myself.
Blair had suggested meditating, but I did best with him guiding me through it. I wasn't about to light a bunch of candles like he usually did. If I zoned, I didn't want a fire to start.
Blair was much better at sending himself to the spirit plane than I was. Most of the times I'd gone to Blue Jungle Land - Blair's name for the spirit plane was permanently stuck in my head now - had been when I'd gone to sleep first.
Turning out the lights, I got comfortable in bed. I stared up at the skylight and tried to ignore the fact that it could use a good cleaning.
I focused on one star, bright enough to be seen through city lights, and slowed my breath. If we had a house out in the country, we'd see so many more stars...
I breathed evenly and thought about the path through the jungle to the pool Blair and I liked to soak in. I thought then about my father. I wanted closure with him. I wanted to tell him I loved him. Funny how we don't tell the people we love that enough. I had started telling Blair that every day. Sometimes I'd whisper it against his skin, an invisible tattoo of my desire, my love for him. Other times, it was just a part of everyday life. A message on his cell phone: “Pick up some groceries on your way home, Chief. Love you. Bye.” Or, I'd tell him when he left to go to work: “Drive safely, I love you.”
Blinking heavily, I felt myself falling asleep, Blair was always annoyed with himself if he fell asleep while meditating, since it's apparently sort of an amateur move, but I never cared when I did it. I turned my head at the sound of soft feet padding towards me and saw the black jaguar. My last thought was that he was there to show me the way, and I stared into his eyes until mine closed.
XXX
I ran on the jungle paths, my body marked with Chopec symbols, wearing my worn camos. The jaguar was ahead of me, and I ran faster to catch up to him. Deeper and deeper into the dense vegetation I followed him, sometimes losing sight of him as the path twisted and turned. Abruptly he left the path and bounded up a steep hill and disappeared behind a jagged outcrop of rock. I didn't stop to consider if it was wise to leave the path or not; I trusted my spirit guide implicitly. I followed him.
When I climbed around the boulders I saw the jaguar waiting for me at the mouth of a large cave, high above me. I found hand and toe holds and raised myself bit by bit until I had pulled myself up onto the wide ledge before the cave entrance. My spirit guide came towards me; as he did, he morphed into my image. He reached out his hand in a gesture of welcome, and I grasped it, letting my fingers slide down his arm to lock above his wrist in a warrior's greeting. He mirrored my actions, then released me.
“Greetings, Enqueri. Come sit by the fire and talk.” He turned and I followed him into the cave, which was large and dry. There was a small campfire burning and I sat down cross-legged across from him.
“Why have you brought me to this place? Is there a problem with my guide?”
My spirit-twin shook his head. “He sorrows for the plight of one he considers to be kin. He asks that you stand with him and that together you help the lost one to find the way all souls must take.”
“I came to do just that. So why are we talking instead of me meeting my little shaman. What must I do first?”
“You must be patient, Enqueri. Gaze into the fire and let your mind clear. Then ask for help regarding what troubles you about your future. One who has traveled that path will answer. You must face your fears to have peace. I go to bring the little shaman.”
He morphed back into the jaguar and bounded out of the cave.
I did as he asked, watching the small branches sizzle and burn bright, small explosions of sparks illuminating the dimness around me.
My spirit guide was a great one for telling me to face my fears. We'd had some interesting conversations in the past on that topic.
It wasn't my fear that my father would remain a ghost that my spiritual adviser wanted me to consider, though. There was no ambivalence about that at all. I wanted Dad to find peace and move on, and I was ready to tell him I forgave him. I had thought that I needed him to explain himself, but I was a detective. I had put the pieces together about his motivation for deciding to kill Blair. Well, most of the pieces. I wasn't sure what Blair had said to him that triggered my father's impulsive plan to lure Blair to come see him so he could poison him. I would like to know those kinds of details. And I wanted the name of his contact. The person who had hired the hit-men and sent the two guys who'd come to clean up Dad's mess for him. The P.D. probably couldn't charge the asshole for Blair's case, but an undercover operation could take him down.
God, I could still get shivers remembering the close call Blair had experienced that day. If Henri had checked on Blair even ten minutes later, Blair might have been smothered to death.
The big picture I felt I understood when it came to Dad's actions. He'd internalized my grandfather's message of disgust and fear about men having same-sex relations at such a young age that for the rest of his life he'd been just reacting to situations that triggered it without doing any critical thinking about why he felt the way he did. I thought Dad had been bi-sexual, but so severely repressed about it that he couldn't let himself act in any way that would let the outside world know that he sometimes was attracted to another boy or man.
He hadn't wanted me to be like him. He'd feared that I'd end up like his brother Michael when he realized that I was attracted to Blair. Dad didn't know that I'd been having sexual encounters with my own sex since I was a teenager. He'd thought Blair was leading me down a path that would end in my utter destruction. Blair had to be removed, sent away, and finally killed, all to keep me safe. He must have thought that without Blair around to seduce me, I'd stay safely heterosexual.
And yet, he also could see that Blair was a good man. Blair is hard to resist, to dislike, even when he's being deliberately annoying, and he wanted Dad to like him. He was always charming and helpful when we met with my father. I think that Dad became fond of Blair, even as he cast him as the villain in our little drama. In the letters he'd sent to some of Blair's employers, he'd said Blair was suspected of being a sex offender. In Dad's eyes, I guess Blair was, since Dad was convinced Blair was seducing me into homosexuality.
Poor Dad. The cognitive dissonance must have given him migraines.
It couldn't have been easy for him, as a father, to watch his son flirting with danger. And he wasn't exactly wrong, either. Incidents of gay-bashing and discrimination happened every day.
Being a parent, I'd been thinking for a while now, had to be terrifying at times.
Being a parent was something I'd been considering lately.
I hadn't said anything to Blair yet because I wasn't sure I did want to be a father. I mean, look at my family tree. My grandfather had done hideous things as a parent. My dad had been so wrapped up in his business that he'd had little time for Stevie and me, and when he did take an active role he ended up alienating me from my brother. And yet he had loved us. I knew that, too. God, if you learn how to be a parent from your own parents, then any kid of mine was screwed.
Moodily, I stood up and walked to where branches had been roughly stacked at the front of the cave I grabbed an armful to feed to the fire, then I heard a soft movement behind me.
From the back of the cave, something small was stealthily coming forward.
I slowly walked back to the fire and crouched down, adding new sticks of wood to it in a pattern that would ensure the flames would blaze up. I heard the movement again, the soft, fast exhalation of breath. I kept my eyes on the front of the cave, hoping that Blair would arrive now. He knew how to handle William. Especially if William chose to appear as a child again.
The footsteps changed, four feet became two, the fast breaths slowing into deeper ones.
I could smell my dad's aftershave. He'd been an Old Spice man ever since I could remember.
A hand came to rest on my shoulder. I closed my eyes.
“Jimmy.”
I rose and turned, saw my father as he'd been in the last year of his life. Tall, handsome, wearing dress slacks, and an expensive button-down shirt, he looked like the confident business man he'd been. It was all a front, a disguise, one that I could see past when I looked into his eyes.
He was dreading this encounter. He was terrified of what I was going to say to him.
“Dad. You know, you're good at hiding. Blair and I have been looking for you.”
He nodded, took a deep breath. “I'm good at hiding because I've been doing it since I was nine years old. Hiding from myself, mostly, but from your mother and brother, too, and from my friends. It's what I know how to do.”
“You're not hiding now.”
He looked at me beseechingly. “Because we need to talk. About quite a few things, but when your spirit guide found me in this cave, he told me what's been on your mind. Jimmy, I want to help you; I'm your father.”
“Actually, Dad, it's because you are my father that I'm having trouble figuring out what I should do. I don't want to be the kind of father that you were. I've caught myself setting Blair up for no-win situations sometimes, like you used to do to Stevie and me. I'd rather not be a parent than treat a kid like that.”
“Trust yourself, Jimmy. You'll break the cycle that I learned from my father, and you won't make the mistakes that I did. I tried to make you and Steven tough by pitting you against each other for my favor. To teach you that you both had to compete with each other and stay sharp, not let your guard down. You know what a failure that approach was.”
“It just made us resent each other.” I pressed my hand hard against my suddenly rock hard neck muscles.
Dad looked guilty. “That wasn't everything. I let my career consume my time, and I told myself I was being a good provider. I was doing it all for you and Steven, paving the way for you boys to join my company. I learned too late that I could never take that time back, to simply play with you boys, go to your games, watch your school plays. Read stories to you. Oh, I would tiptoe into your rooms when you boys were asleep. I'd cover you and Steven up, but I could be tender then because you boys couldn't see me. I thought a father should be stern, like my father had been. But that was me.”
He stepped a little closer. “Jimmy, I watched you with your brother when you were little. You were protective and kind to him. Your coaches told me how you would take the younger players under your wing. You volunteered as a Big Brother and from what I learned you did a great job of mentoring that youngster, Danny. I don't believe you would ignore any children of yours. I believe you would lay down your life for them. If I have any advice for you at all, it would be to listen to them, and be fair with them. I learned that lesson far too late to benefit you and Steven. Hold them, hug them, don't be afraid to express love towards them. Accept them for who they are, and support them. I tried to mold you and your brother into, well, not my image, but how I thought a successful man should be. I was so wrong, but Jimmy, you would be a good father.”
“If you had it to do over, would you have stayed childless?”
“You were wanted, Jimmy, and so was Steven. I wish that I could go back in time with what I've learned and be a better father to you both. I've made such mistakes. I remember the first time I held you, when your mother was so tired one night and you were fussy and hungry. I was half afraid that I would drop you, but I didn't. You sucked the bottle till it was empty and then looked at me. You know, you still make that same expression sometimes. And I cuddled you and promised you and myself that I'd always protect you.”
He bit his lip and then blurted out, “I'm so sorry, Jim. I'm so very sorry for what I did to you and Blair. I thought I was keeping that promise by sending Blair away. It's not safe to be a homosexual, and I didn't want Blair there to tempt you. Oh, I could see why you liked him. Loved him. Truth to tell, I liked him, too. But he was dangerous for you to be around. I was afraid you would track him down, that's why I kept tabs on him, so I could keep him moving to new places. I thought in another year or two, you would have forgotten about him, and I would have stopped the harassment. That year after he left was just too soon to leave him alone; you were still feeling so hurt by his abandoning you. I was afraid you might go looking for him. Each month that went by with you staying in Cascade made me feel a little easier. But then he turned up in that little town in Tennessee and you went to see him. When Sullivan told me that, I knew I couldn't take a chance on you falling back under his spell.”
I interrupted him. “Dad, who did you hire to take the hit out on Blair? I want to nail his ass.”
“I owe you that information, I know. Rick Davis, the head of Davis Shipping. I had heard things about him for years. Rumors mostly, but I sent out feelers and he said he would take care of it. For a price, of course.”
I said, more to myself than my father, “He subbed that job out to local Tennessee talent.”
Dad nodded. “Yes, I gathered as much. When Sully, ah, Captain Sullivan, told me that Blair had escaped death and returned to Cascade with you, I tried to contact Davis again, but was only able to leave a message for him to get in touch. I really wasn't sure what to tell him. I was hoping that you and Blair were still estranged and that you were safe. But then I talked to Blair on the phone, and the way he said your name told me he had feelings still for you. He told me you had lent him your phone and he said he would see you that night. I knew then that it was too late. He had snared you again. I felt so desperate, and when Blair agreed to see me, and to not tell anyone, I decided to take care of the problem myself.”
“The problem! The problem has a name, and a life, Dad!”
“You're right. Of course I see how wrong I was now, but on that night, I thought maybe things could still be salvaged if Blair was dead. I decided to sacrifice Blair myself to save you.” He looked away for a moment and then back at me. “I had second thoughts about killing him. I almost stopped him from drinking the coffee I'd doctored with my medicine. Then I thought about my brother and his death, and I hardened my heart. But don't think for a minute that I wanted to do that to Blair. When the police came and I realized that Blair hadn't been honest with me about being alone, I couldn't face the disgrace. I thought I'd spare you and Steven the trial and seeing me sent to prison. I'm profoundly sorry for all of it, Jim.”
“You were dead on the floor, Dad, and your head was...” I couldn't finish. Dad stepped closer and tentatively put his arms around me. I let my father comfort me and his arms tightened into a hard embrace.
He whispered to me, “Jim, my son, please forgive me for what I've done to you and Blair. Forgive me for trying to make you deny who you were and are, as a boy and as a man. I love you, and I love Steven. Please tell him that, for me.”
I hugged him back, tears wet on my face, and then let him go and stepped back.
I heard Blair's voice a distance away, talking to my spirit guide.
“Blair is coming. Do you realize that he's a shaman, Dad? He's an amazing man and I love him with everything I have within me. He's a healer. He helped me to let go of things that were damaging my soul.“
My dad smiled. “He helped me, too. I think you're good for each other, and if you want it, you have my blessing. And Jim, you should talk to Blair about having a family.”
“I will. He's good with kids. I used to tell people it was because he wasn't much older than a kid himself, kind of implying it in a mental way, but that's not it. He listens to them and respects them and just enjoys them. He's got the knack of managing children. But maybe that's just the teacher in him.”
My father smiled. “He has a gift when it comes to teaching. He taught me to accept I hadn't been a bad child. He would be a good father, too.”
“I don't know if he wants kids. But when I see him with children, like when he's holding Henri's baby daughter in his arms, it makes me want to see him with our kid. Kids. We could adopt or maybe find a surrogate mother.”
Dad put his arm around me. “I regret so much about my life, Jim, but I've never regretted bringing you and Steven into the world. Your mother didn't either. She, well, she slipped away from us for her own reasons, but it was never because of you and your brother.”
An epiphany struck me. I wondered if the reason I'd let Blair leave Cascade and hadn't tried to find him was because my father had never tried to locate my mother when she left. It was the Ellison way, apparently.
I said, “Blair will be here soon. Are you ready to say goodbye and leave this place?”
“I have something to say to Blair first. And then, I don't know. What happens if I go away? Where will I be?” I heard the fear again in his voice. I had no answers for him.
I heard Blair climbing up the hill to us. I felt... a mixture of things. Suddenly, I didn't want my father to go either. I still had so much to talk about with him. He should be back at his house, alive, enjoying Sally's cooking and reading the paper. Going with me to auto shows. Telling stories to my sons or daughters about the mischief I'd gotten into as a boy.
I'd never have that now. My throat felt thick, my eyes hot and stinging. My father just hugged me tighter.
Blair climbed up the last few steps to the ledge. He was flanked on either side by the wolf and the jaguar.
He was wearing the necklace I'd given him twice, the first time as a symbol of how much I appreciated his friendship and the second time to mark becoming my lover for the rest of our lives. I hoped it would be for eternity.
Dad was hesitant to go into the great unknown. If it was my time to cross over, I knew I would drag my feet unless Blair could go with me.
The many-pointed silver star necklace gleamed on his chest. It looked really good on him.
I couldn't say the same for those eye-jarring, headache inducing Bermudas he was wearing. I gave a mental note of thanks that they only existed on the spirit plane.
My father stiffened and pulled away from our sideways embrace.
Blair smiled, warm as a sunny day, at my dad and walked without hesitation to him, opening his arms wide. He stopped before crossing into my dad's personal space.
I waited to see what Dad would do.
My father stepped forward and accepted the hug, and then closed his own arms around Blair and hugged him until Blair made a squeaky sort of noise.
Then my dad kissed Blair on the cheek, looking very self-conscious, and stepped back.
Blair laughed delightedly. “One thing I'll say for the Ellison men. You guys sure can hug. William, I'm so glad to see you again. Are you well?”
Blair tilted his head sideways and I knew he was seeing William differently than the way my father had chosen to represent himself this time.
“Still a little worried about some things, but man, what a long way you've come. I'm so proud of you. I really wish that we had gotten to know each other better before you died.”
Blair spoke sincerely, but his words were also a reminder that the clock was ticking for my dad. Blair had said Dad's time for being able to leave was ending very soon.
“Blair, I'm sorry--”
“I know. You've already told me so. And you've squared things with Jim. Now you have to do the hardest part. Forgive yourself, William James Ellison. You've accepted that you've made terrible mistakes, and you understand why you made them. You have asked for our forgiveness and we have given it to you, and Jim acts as Steven's proxy for this matter.”
Blair put his hands on my dad's shoulders and drew him down until their foreheads were touching. It was a Chopec gesture, and I supposed my spirit guide had taught it to him.
“Let it go. Your self-hate and your fear. Let it all flow away from you. Accept yourself, all of yourself, and take that peace with you. The time has come for you to decide your fate.”
My father started breathing in time to Blair's breathing. He reached out and rested his arms around Blair's waist.
I couldn't say how long my dad and Blair stayed that way because I was struggling with my own grief. This was it. The final parting of the ways. Even if Dad remained a ghost, he would mostly be stripped of everything that made him my father.
Finally, my dad let go of Blair and raised his head. Blair dropped his hands from Dad's shoulders and held his arm out to me. I stepped into the comfort of his embrace and waited for my dad to say what he wanted to do.
“So, if I stay here I would live here, in this jungle?”
Blair said, “No. You won't come here again, William. You will become an earth-bound spirit, doomed to haunt the house where you killed yourself. I hope that at least you won't try to harm anybody who comes there, but I'm not certain. That form of yourself is more... hmmm. Locked in to the trauma of death, I think. I doubt that you will remember any of your time on this spirit plane. You will just be a ghost, and find it difficult, very difficult to communicate. You will relive your death, and show any who summon you how you killed yourself.”
“And what happens to me if I choose to leave this jungle? Where do I go? Heaven? Hell? Reincarnation? I was never a religious man and I have no real faith to cling to for support. Tell me, Blair. Jim said you're a shaman. What will happen to me?”
“Does the baby leaving the womb know what lies ahead? No. But our children leave their mother's bodies just the same. Did you know that it's the baby who initiates birth? I don't know what lies ahead for you. I don't know what lies ahead for me, or Jim, when it's our time. But it is your time right now, William, and if you do not accept that change then your soul will languish on the earthly plane, stillborn.”
I looked at Blair, feeling the truth of his words, and it seemed to me that they had echoed as he spoke, power, true power infusing them.
My little shaman indeed.
My father closed his eyes and we waited.
When he opened them again, I could see he'd made his decision. He squared his shoulders and stood tall.
“I've been afraid for most of my life. I'll be damned if I let my fears conquer me at the end. I'll go and see what's on the other side of the veil.”
“'But that the dread of something after death, the undiscover'd country from whose bourn no traveler returns, puzzles the will,'” Blair said. “We can't go with you, not all the way, but we'll keep you company for as long as we can.”
Blair walked over to where the wolf and jaguar had made themselves comfortable by the campfire. He looked first into the wolf's eyes, and then the jaguar's, and they followed him back to William and me.
“Jim and I can give you some help, if you agree. Our spirit guides will lend you strength until they themselves must return. If they travel too far, Jim and I will die. We're trusting you to let them go at the final turn of the path, all right?”
William said, shocked, “How can you trust me like that? Blair, Jim, that's too risky. It's not safe for you.”
Blair said, “Life is full of risks, man, and sometimes you have to give trust in order to receive it back. I'm trusting you, William.” He glanced at me, clearly asking if he had overstepped his place, but I just nodded.
“Blair speaks for me, Dad. Go with my love and my trust.”
“And mine. Do you accept this gift?”
Wiliam looked searchingly at each of us, and then nodded. The wolf ambled over to where my father was standing and butted him around the knees. He morphed into Blair, naked and beautiful, and melted into William. Then it was my spirit guide's turn, and I saw the image of myself, camouflage getup and Chopec face paint included, follow suit.
William took a deep breath, and smiled. He looked around, first at the front of the cave, and then towards the back. He said, “The path is this way. I can feel it.”
I walked over to him and took one hand, and Blair took the other.
My dad stepped towards his future and we kept him company as we went further and further into the cave.
I suppose everyone's path from this life is different. My father's path looked nothing like the trail I had called Blair back from, when he'd died at the fountain. It was rocky, and hard going at places, but at last the cave narrowed down and brilliant light bathed the remaining path upwards. The cave had never totally darkened, there were small openings high above that allowed light and air into the cavern, but this was incandescent.
William let go of our hands, and we hugged him one last time. He whispered to me to tell Stevie that he loved him. He cast his eyes toward Blair and said, also quietly, “Talk to him soon, son.”
Blair kissed Dad on the cheek, and my father touched the spot, smiling.
“Goodbye,” he said, and he walked away from us. We watched him follow the trail upwards until he came to the opening, high above us. He waved one last time, a small dark silhouette outlined against the beckoning brilliance.
He turned and climbed out of the cave and disappeared.
Blair and I waited, holding hands. I suppose I was having a small, niggling doubt that maybe Dad would be unable to let our spirit guides return, and if so, then I was going to die holding tight to Blair.
Finally I heard the sound of running feet and our guides ran towards us and then mine jumped into me, and Blair's flung himself at my partner, and joined him.
I knew my dad was gone, and in the end he had passed over peacefully. I took a deep breath and jerked my head back towards the front of the cave where I could smell the campfire, even if I couldn't see it past the bends of the trail.
We returned to it in silence, but a comfortable one. I sat down and pulled Blair down to sit in front of me, my legs bracketing his body. We stayed that way for a long time, and I took comfort from my lover's presence and I felt he took it from mine.
“Jim, are you okay?”
“I suppose that at times I'll feel sad again, Chief. I'm also thankful that he made the decision he did. And that he released our spirit guides to come back to us. I'm glad that we'll have the chance to keep building a life together.”
“William said that you should talk to me. What's that about?”
“I thought I was supposed to be the one with the bat ears. But I do have something to ask you. You know, we're kind of dusty from being in this cave and I'd like to go back to our pool and float around. Make love to you again in the water. Morning will come soon enough, and I'll wake up in the loft and you'll get up from the bunk in your truck and start driving again. So let's spend some quality time together while we can.”
Blair wiggled free and rose. He extended a strong arm to me and I took it. I stood up and stretched.
“Chief, I've never heard you quote Shakespeare before.”
“Uh, what? Oh, what I said to William. Well, um, not exactly.”
I heard a hint of a smile in his voice. “Okay, Sandburg. Explain.”
“It's the nerdy geek in me. I was quoting from the Star Trek movie, The Undiscovered Country. So I guess it was second-hand Shakespeare?”
I started to laugh. I tried to give him a noogie but he was too agile and ducked away. I took a good look at him. Short, strong body. Beautiful curls that a renaissance artist would have adored. Tip-tilted nose, lush lips. My Blair.
Then I frowned. Those god-awful Bermudas were ruining the picture. They had to go.
Blair looked down in surprise as he found himself nude once again, but still wearing his necklace.
Then he rolled his eyes. “Always with you, I've got to be naked here.”
“Well, yeah.”
He grinned mischievously. I found that my clothing and tribal markings were gone.
“Hey, we're sharing this joint now. And you know, I can get with the whole 'Having my lover be nude for me' program.”
He reached out and ran his hand down my chest. “Mmmmm. Smooth and hard. I 've always loved the way your chest looks. Feels. And tag, you're it.”
He tore out of the cave, laughing like a loon. He panted out, “Catch me before I get to the pool and I'll let you ride me. I get there first, and you fuck me.”
I chased him, grinning fiercely.
I knew in my bones that life with my little shaman was never going to be dull.
The End
Epilog to follow on the next post
Fandom The Sentinel
Author: Laurie
Type: Slash
Rating: PG-17 (for the series)
Word count: 16,532 words
Warnings: Link to warnings for the entire series
Written for Sentinel Thursday Challenge 123. Epiphany
Beta’ed by t_verano. She's been with me every step of the way on this journey since 2007, when I threw Blair in jail and went, well, now what?
Summary for A Fair Distance: A year after Blair left Jim, and Cascade, they meet again in a small Tennessee town. Blair's been arrested and is being held for questioning at the request of the Cascade PD.
This is the third and final arc to the story, and the two earlier arcs, A Fair Distance: Running on Empty and A Fair Distance: Ball and Chain, as well as several time stamps, can be located at my LJ here or at Artifact Storage Room 3 here or at AO3 here. I believe that AO3 has a nifty feature that allows you to download onto E-readers.
Nobody watching Blair joking and scarfing down pizza with Bev and her friend from Vancouver - the Washington state city, not the Canadian one -- would ever guess that he'd conducted an intense session on the spiritual plane just hours ago.
We'd talked for a while after I returned home. Hearing how my grandfather had treated his sons had been a punch in the gut. With that kind of role model, my dad had done better as a parent than I'd realized. He had never viciously whipped Steven and me, although I remembered a few spankings. Deserved, though. The time I'd crayoned all over the walls came to mind.
Blair thought it was interesting that Dad hadn't tried to install homophobia in me or my brother. He'd actually tried to teach us to be tolerant of other people.
Still didn't mean he wanted his sons to be different. I wondered what he would have done if he'd caught me making out with one of the boys I'd been attracted to as a teen.
His trying to send Blair away made sense. His father had done that with Johnny.
I felt for the abused kid my dad had been. I had questions for the adult he'd become, and I was ready to ask them. Blair and I agreed we'd try again tonight or tomorrow to question him. Blair was feeling very protective of William-the-child, and I assured him that if William chose to appear as a kid again, I wouldn't be harsh with him.
I wouldn't make the same promise about the adult that little boy had grown up to be.
After we'd dissected the whole encounter, though, we both were looking forward to a break. So we had hit the gym before heading over to Rosa's to hang out with Bev.
Her pal was a deputy district attorney, about forty-five years old, attractive, dark-haired and dark-eyed, and well-muscled He and Bev were obviously good friends, but it wasn't her he was interested in courting.
It was Blair.
I'd figured it out fairly quickly. The guy kept shooting these assessing looks at Blair, in between smiling at him. He was more subtle at it then at questioning a witness on the stand, but he was definitely conducting an interrogation. It was like he was deciding if he wanted to date Blair or not.
Blair had caught on, too. We were sitting next to each other in the booth, and he entwined our legs together, body language for “I'm with you.” I patted Blair on the thigh to let him know I wasn't going to revert to being a jealous asshole just because someone else showed some interest in him.
Joshua Rickman asked a lot of questions about Blair's former role in Major Crimes. Beverly brought up cases she knew about where Blair's assistance had been invaluable. She emphasized how Blair had risked being shot at to help save her life, and how Bergman had been caught because Blair had played bait.
It started being sort of a contest between Bev and me. She'd mention a case where Blair had played a pivotal role and then I'd jump in with one where he'd saved other people's lives or had saved my bacon. Blair dug his elbow in my side a few times to shut me up, but I've had training to withstand torture. Besides, I reasoned, after all the shit that had been dumped on Blair's reputation, it was about time he got to hear some good opinions about himself.
Joshua held his hand up after I'd laid it on about how Blair had rescued me from drowning in a vat of black oil while on a n oil rig during a case. I explained that he'd figured out how to lower machinery into that damned tank so I could climb up, and then had ignored his own safety in order to stop a ticking bomb from sending trapped men to the bottom of the sea.
“Have you had training in bomb defusing, Blair?” Joshua asked.
“No. Well, Joel, one of the guys I observed in Major Crimes, showed me a few things, but I think that was after that time on the rig. And let me tell you right now, I was scared to death. I had to lie down after the clock stopped on the bomb, I was that shaky. Man, only seconds were left on the thing.”
He gave an exaggerated shudder and then grinned at us. “Don't let these two give you the wrong idea about me. I'm really not the hero type. Now Jim, he's the one that does things like handcuff himself to a freaking helicopter when it's trying to take off with a couple of homegrown terrorists. He's definitely the hero type. I'm more of a sidekick.”
Sidekick, my ass, I thought. We were going to have a talk about that when we got home. Partner was the correct term.
“Well, you've had a lot of training in other areas, I hear. A masters in anthropology, a minor in psychology, and I understand you're working on your Ph.D in anthropology?”
Blair said, “Yes,” and gave Bev a questioning look.
Rickman said, “You've done some interesting research, gone on quite a few expeditions.” He raised his eyebrow. “And now you're driving semis, correct?”
I shot Beverly a look, too. This guy knew a hell of a lot about Blair for someone who had met us for a casual night out with a friend.
Beverly winked at me. From the look on her face, she was up to something. I suddenly doubted she'd brought Joshua along just for his company. Besides, while her friend was showing a lot of interest in Blair, I still hadn't detected any signs of the guy being sexually aroused.
Blair said yes, he was driving big rigs. He spin doctored things a bit, telling them how he enjoyed seeing sights around the country and being a participant-observer within a blue-collar occupation. He kept his mouth shut about the long hours and the loneliness. He didn't talk about how he sometimes got harassed if he picked the wrong place to catch a meal.
Now that he was controlling the conversation, he focused on asking Beverly and Joshua about the conference they'd just attended and their jobs, and for Joshua, questions about Vancouver.
The Couve, Joshua said, had recently expanded and was expected to keep growing. Portland being right across the river meant that there was easy access to the perks of being near a large city, but Vancouver had a lower cost of living, cheaper housing, and better schools.
He said he enjoyed his work and thought that his entire department worked well together. He glanced at Bev and nodded, and she stood up.
“Jim, Blair, it's been great to see you guys again. I'm going to head home, but Joshua has something to discuss with Blair. Call me soon. I'd love to do this again.”
Suddenly I remembered me asking Bev to keep an eye out for a job for Blair. Looks like Joshua had wanted to form his own opinion before actually discussing any potential employment with my partner.
I stood up, too. “Bev, I'll walk you out to your car.”
She said her goodbyes to Joshua, and I leaned over Blair and gave him a kiss. Might as well put our relationship out there and find out right now if it was going to be a problem.
Blair said, as I straightened up, “Love you too, Jim. Give us a few minutes, okay?”
I nodded, and Bev and I walked out to the parking lot. She filled me in on why she'd brought Joshua to meet Blair, and I gave her a warm hug and thanked her for her help.
xxx
“So, if Bev hadn't already clued you in, or if you hadn't figured it out yet, Jim and I are in a committed relationship. And I'm curious to hear what we have to discuss, if that's still on the table.” I picked up my bottle of Sam Adams and readied myself for whatever Joshua was cooking up.
He waved his hand carelessly. “Congratulations to you and Jim. From the stories I've heard tonight, it seems you have a very solid partnership.” He beckoned a waitress over and asked for a refill on his iced tea.
Almost sternly, he said, “Now let me be honest with you. Frankly, admitting to being fraudulent with your research on sentinels should disqualify you from any consideration from me.”
“You checked me out.” Oh, joy.
“Yes, I've done my homework on you, although the whole idea of sentinels sounds like science fiction.” He sounded a little wry.
Then he flicked his index finger towards me, “As I was saying, you falsified your research, according to your press conference. But you admitted to it, and technically, you hadn't turned in your dissertation. What that does is leave things in a very gray area. The media portrayed you as a man so greedy and lacking in ethics that you abused the trust of your research subject and wrote reams of lies about him. But I'm finding it hard to believe that a man like that turned down a sizable amount of money for the release of his research in order to drive trucks for a living.” He leaned back against the back of the booth, studying me like I was an interesting bug or something.
I said mildly, “Why do you care about any of it? I mean, we're strangers, and yeah, I can see how you could feel indignant that I tried to cheat, but why meet with me? Do you feel a burning need to lecture me on my shoddy ethics, or something?” I should just brush off what he was saying - he didn't know the truth -- but I'd enjoyed talking to him tonight, and I was confused now. And maybe a little hurt. Did Beverly know he was going to jump me about the diss? That seemed crazy. Bev had been nothing but nice to me ever since we'd first met. For a while, I thought she and Jim might kindle something, but they'd let that fire die. We were all friendly, though, so it didn't make sense for her to arrange this meeting tonight so this stranger could bust my chops over my failings.
Straightening up, he started tapping his fingers impatiently against his glass. “What I think,” he said slowly, “is that you did lie, but not about your research. And it's only important to me because it speaks to your character. I mentioned that I'm a deputy district attorney for Clark County. My office is in Vancouver, and I'm recruiting top-notch people to apply for two positions that are opening up for prosecuting attorney investigators.”
I started twisting the beer bottle around and around. This was about a possible job. “Um, two positions?”
Nodding, he said, “Yes. One of our investigators is retiring, and the other is moving across the river to be an investigator for Portland's team. I'm of the opinion that your skills and experience would make you a good addition to our team. I understand that you have a home here in Cascade, but Vancouver and Portland have a lot to offer. For one thing, it could be a fresh start for you and Jim. I know from Bev that the two of you have had a lot of unwanted media attention ever since you held that press conference. I doubt the Columbian would follow in the Cascade papers' footsteps.”
Joshua got his wallet out and gave me his business card. “You're a problem solver, Blair, and an anthropologist would bring a unique viewpoint to the team, as you appear to have done with your work as a consultant for Major Crimes here in Cascade. You're experienced with police procedures and investigations.”
Clearing his throat, he gave me a small smile. “I, ah, admit that it took some convincing by Beverly before I agreed to come and meet you. I'm glad that she prevailed, though, because while I think there is more to the story of you destroying your reputation, I've been impressed tonight, and I'd like you to come and interview for the position.”
I struggled not to gape at him. An investigator? That could be interesting, but I wanted more details. “What qualifications would I need, exactly? And what would the job entail?”
He said, “The job information is posted at the website on my business card, but basically, you've got the education and the three to five years experience needed in investigations from being a consultant with Major Crimes. You don't have to have been an actual police officer, although we do have a lot of applicants who are retired cops. You work in a team, as I said, with other investigators, legal assistants, victim advocates and deputy prosecuting attorneys. Your supervisor would be one of the prosecuting attorneys. You would liaison with the police, conduct interviews, gather and analyze data for reports, track down witnesses, serve subpoenas and summons, and investigate all claims against city employees, for starters.”
He leaned forward. “I didn't just take Beverly's word about you. I called around in Cascade, checked with the Seattle police. I've been impressed by what I've heard about your abilities to handle people. You say that you're not the hero type, but you've done heroic things. You've put yourself at risk for other people.” I looked away, feeling embarrassed.
He touched my arm, and I refocused my attention on him.
“Look. I want to be realistic; that whole mess about claiming to be a fraud will hurt your chances of landing the job, if you apply. But I'm encouraging you to come down and interview with us anyway. In person, I think you can sway people to give you a chance. Apply on-line and send us your resume by email. I'll make sure you get a fair shake when you talk to the rest of the hiring committee. And the Vancouver P.D. is accepting lateral transfers, if Jim is interested in changing jobs. Vancouver isn't Cascade; we don't get as much in the way of high-profile cases, but we've got a good department. Or he could apply to Portland's P.D. If he was able to transfer to our P.D, though, and if you were hired, you could be assigned to his department. Blair, I'm saying you could work together again, although not exclusively. From what I've heard from Simon Banks, you two made a helluva team.”
He stood up. I followed suit, and we shook hands. “One last thing, Blair. If you get the job you need to get a concealed weapons permit. Are you familiar with firearms?”
I straightened and said evenly, “I've used them, when I've had to. I was prepared to go to the police academy at one time, so, yeah, if there's no other way and to save a life, I'll use a gun.”
“Some additional documentation on passing written and skills firearms tests will be needed, as well.” He smiled warmly at me, “Good luck, Blair. I hope to see you soon. We plan to begin interviewing in two weeks. One job starts in July, the other in August.”
He walked briskly through the restaurant and I sat back down, in a bit of a daze. I'd check out the details of the posting on the website he'd given me when we went home. Jim and I were going to have to talk about this. I wasn't sure he really wanted to move, although he'd mentioned it as a possibility. Hell, I wasn't sure I wanted to move. Cascade was my home. I'd lived here, except for last year and when I was on expeditions, for almost fifteen years. I loved Jim's loft. And I did have another possible job with the advertising company. Being an ethnographer could work out.
I stood back up and whispered, “Jim, let's go. I'll meet you at the truck.”
He had the motor running by the time I climbed in, and he pulled out of the parking lot towards home. I was bursting with conflicting feelings and when Jim looked over at me, I started babbling.
“You were listening, right? I'm feeling kind of blown away, and Bev, she set this up, and that was so nice of her to recommend me for this investigator position and it does sound like a really cool job, but then we'd have to move and this is your city, Jim. You're Cascade's sentinel, and these people are your tribe, and this is your home. You belong here. You know, I wasn't sure I'd ever feel like Cascade was my home again after you brought me back here, but even though an entire busload of crap has come down on us, I think this does feel like home. Kind of a shitty one, I guess, but it's familiar, you know. I mean, I've lived in lots of other places when I was a kid and I've traveled as an anthropologist, but ever since I started college I guess I've tagged Cascade as the old home base. I love our loft, and, man, you're established here. You have friends and Steven and Simon. You've been honored as the cop of the year by your colleagues. You're one of the senior detectives in Major Crimes, and being a cop in Vancouver will be like being sent down from the major leagues to the minors, and I can't ask that of you, to uproot yourself like that. I won't apply, okay. I can do that ethnographer job if I get hired and when it's over, if they don't have a new study for me to help with, something else will come along, or I can go back to driving again, or--”
Jim pulled onto a side street and parked.
“Okay, take a deep breath, Blair, and let it out slowly. Don't try talking until I tell you to, understand?”
“But--”
“Breathe. Just breathe for a while, and then I've got something to say.”
He placed his hand over my heart, and said encouragingly, as I did as he said and slowed my breathing, “Good. You're doing better. Your heartbeat is slowing back down. Hang on for a little longer, Chief, and then we'll talk.”
He changed to just holding my hand after those long minutes had ticked by.
“All right. Let's get some assumptions out of the way. You made me sound like I'm bonded to Cascade, that I'm like a serf, tied to this piece of real estate. I'm not, Blair. I'm really not. I joined the Army, and when I did my people became those men who were in my unit. When I lost them in Peru the Chopec became my people until I was recalled. I returned to Cascade because it had been my home as a kid and it was familiar, but there was no compulsion to only live here. I guess you could say that I am Cascade's sentinel, but if we move somewhere else, that would change. I would consider myself a sentinel of that new city or area.”
He squeezed my hand. “Blair, I go to work. I do my job. I work hard, but I can't say I really enjoy being in Major Crimes anymore. People are still making comments about Dad, and you, and speculating way too much about my sexual orientation. To be fair, they're not often making those comments to me but I hear them just the same. It's gotten old. And the guys we used to be tight with have moved on: Simon, Conner, Henri, Rafe. And now that Joel's retired, I don't particularly feel connected to anybody who's a co-worker. I'm in a dead end there, so let's not cross out moving to Vancouver because you don't think I would welcome a change. And I'm still pissed about how you were treated. Are still treated. I can't even take you up with me to the bullpen. On my end, getting to spend time with you on the job again is nothing but a plus.”
I sighed. “Jim, man, I love you, but just how much of that situation with Major Crimes is because you're sitting at your pristine desk, glowering at people if they annoy you. Are you trying to make friends with the current crew? Or are you sending out 'Don't talk to me unless it relates to a case' vibes?”
Jim furrowed his brow, thinking it over. “Yeah, it might partly be my fault, but it's hard for me to say to somebody, 'Hey, want to get some lunch together,' or ask them if they want to stop and get a beer after work, when I've heard them speculating on which one of us fucks the other one.”
“And you don't think Henri has probably said the same stuff?”
“He has. But he makes it clear that he considers us all friends and... it's just different. Also, he doesn't say things behind my back. If he's going to be crude and rude it's when I'm there to zing him, too, so it ends up just being a lot of bullshitting. Another thing. Cascade has a lot of sad memories for me. I really wouldn't mind making a clean break.”
“What about leaving the loft?”
“Babe, it's been a great place to live in, but that doesn't mean we can't find a good place if we move. We both like it out in the country; it's just been convenient to live right in the city. We should talk about that some more. I keep picturing you making a garden for fresh vegetables and growing those herbs you like to make into remedies for this and that.”
“Does that mean if I grow my own herbs you'd swallow my concoctions?”
He just laughed and I smiled, relaxing a little more.
Jim squeezed my hand. “Some woods nearby or on our property would be nice. It's always surprising to me when we go camping away from the noises in the city how much more relaxed I feel. And we could have a workshop for your welding, and I've been thinking about trying out some woodworking.”
Jim had mentioned this before to me, about the garden and workshops. But we could maybe do some rooftop gardening at the loft. Maybe even put up a small workshop up there, too.
I might be seeing what I wanted to see. Jim as the “Sentinel of the Great City” instead of Jim, a man who just happened to be a sentinel. This was something I should pursue in meditation.
Jim added, “And as far as gay-friendly places to live, Vancouver's pretty good, I hear.”
I knew that. Unlike some cities, Vancouver didn't have mostly gay neighborhoods, but the research data indicated same-sex couples were fairly well represented in all areas of the city. I liked that idea. My sexual orientation was not how I wanted to be defined, anyway.
“Jim, you're making a good case for moving. If I decide to apply for the job. If I get the job. Are there any other reasons to move to Vancouver if I'm offered the job?”
Jim nodded slowly. “Maybe. I'm still thinking it through for myself, Chief, but when I figure it out, I'll tell you. Promise.”
He looked thoughtful. “Blair, I know you decided to go to Rainier to get away from your abuser without having to let your mom know anything about it, but then he was killed. So why did you decide to go to Rainier after he was out of the way? I mean, you could have traveled with your mom, or gotten a job somewhere.”
I was silent for a minute, thinking. “I guess I just felt I was ready for a change. Rainier offered me a scholarship so that was a big influence.”
“Well, I'm feeling like it's time for a change. I'm not so stuck in my ways that I can't do something different. I decided to join the Army, I decided to leave the Army and become a cop. And now, I'm feeling like it's time for something new, something better. But most of all, I want whatever we decide to be something that fulfills you.”
Jim looked so earnest, so concerned. Goddess, I loved him.
“Hey, let's have some faith in the universe that things will work out. I think I'm done panicking for now, so let's head for home, James.”
He let go of my hand and started up the truck. “We got any beer there?”
“I don't remember. Want to visualize the fridge's contents, see what's in your memory?”
“Not really. Let's just stop on the way, get some beer and some pretzels and chips. No harm in being fortified for the rest of the discussion tonight.”
I snorted, and then outright laughed. It was so good to be home and spending time with Jim. I wasn't looking forward to leaving again in a few days.
xxx
In the end we decided I'd apply to the Vancouver P.D., and Blair would do the second interview for the ethnographer job and drive down to Vancouver and interview for the investigator position. If he got a solid job offer from either one, or both, or possibly another position, then we'd figure out our options. He wondered about trying for a state investigator job here in Cascade, but I'd already thought about that and had asked Bev's opinion when we'd talked out in the parking lot. It was a “Sorry, Charlie” kind of deal, she'd said. She'd put out feelers with her boss, and he'd said no. Blair's relationship with the PD and the Chief of Police was just too damaged.
He did jump on his computer and check out the posted job description. I read it over his shoulder and thought it would suit him to a T. It was a lot of the same skills that he would have used as a detective. When I retired from active police work, I might even see about getting hired on, if Blair was still there.
He asked if I'd go with him down to the firing range so he could practice. He wanted to take the test results with him when he had his interview, as well as his permit to carry concealed weapons.
He yawned, and said he'd apply tomorrow. We ended up drinking one last beer and watching an old Bonanza rerun, and Blair kidded me about the time I'd tried to learn a Texas accent from that show.
“Let's hear that Texas twang, pardner.”
“You're never going to let me forget that, are you?”
“Nope. One of the perks of married life, I guess.”
“I can think of some better ones.” I took the half-full beer from his hand and set it on the coffee table with my empty one. I tugged at him until he was sideways in my lap, a heavy, pleasant weight across me. I kissed his neck -- I've always loved kissing Blair's neck - and he made an encouraging, interested sound. Blair's always loved me kissing his neck, too. On impulse, I shifted his hair and traced the faint scar from the bite my spirit guide had given him. Tenderly, I gently bit him again on that exact place. Blair made a needy, demanding plea that clearly communicated what he wanted from me, without ever voicing a single word.
I had a theory that the scar that marked Blair as mine had become such an erogenous spot because of the connection to the spirit world. I wasn't sure why. I just knew that I was drawn to it, to lick it and bite it and kiss it. Blair's body would become so pliant; he could come just from me doing those things to it. I was glad his scar didn't hurt him or feel weird when I touched it. Other than having nerve endings directly tied to his dick. That I considered a bonus.
“Down here, like this, or upstairs. Choose, Blair.”
He gave a groan of frustration but slowly slid off my lap. “Let's get comfortable in bed. The last time we did it on the couch, you ended up with a crick in your neck, remember?”
If we moved, I was getting rid of this couch. I wanted one big enough that we could make out or sleep together on it in comfort.
“Good point. But once we're up in bed, I'm picking up where I left off.”
His eyes darkened, and widened, and my favorite scent in the world started filling the air.
Oh, yeah. Having Blair home was such a treat.
xxx
The phone ringing was a welcome distraction from my thoughts, and I eagerly answered it, hoping it was Blair. He had left that morning to drive to Sacramento and would be back tomorrow. It was a short run, but I missed him when he wasn't home. We'd had a busy couple of weeks. Blair did the second interview for the ethnographer job and then drove to Vancouver. He said the committee interviewing him for the investigator position had grilled him pretty good, but he felt they'd been fair. He'd also done runs to Bismarck, Salt Lake City, Denver, and Oklahoma City.
“Hi,” Blair said, his voice warm and comforting. “It's me. I'm all tucked up in my bunk, and I was thinking about you. Did you wrap up your case today?”
“Nah, the feds took it over. I swear they wait until we get all the legwork done, and then it's 'we'll take it from here.' I think our perp headed out of state, but they think he's just holed up.”
“You don't sound that concerned.”
“I'm not. The feds are welcome to that joker. Hey, I heard from the Vancouver P.D, though. I'm scheduled for oral and written testing a week from next Monday. Want to come along? Check out what Vancouver and Portland have to offer?”
“You bet. I'll see if I can be scheduled off for two or three days so we can have time to really look around.” Blair sounded excited, but then I heard him take a deep breath. “We're just checking out our options, right? I mean, just because we're both applying for jobs in Vancouver doesn't mean we're going to move. I'm still processing what feels right, and really, I'm still sitting firmly on the fence. What about you?”
“I'll follow your lead.”
Blair said, a stubborn tone to his voice, “No, I want to know what you really think.”
I laughed at him. “Blair, I've already told you that I'd be fine with moving to Vancouver and I'd welcome the change. But if you want to stay in Cascade, I'll be okay. You know that I did what you asked and started acting more friendly with some of the people in Major Crimes.”
“And?”
“It's possible that a few of them have some potential to be decent enough to work with. Oh, and I went out to lunch with Henri today. Boy, you should see his pictures of the baby. She's really grown. She'll be crawling soon. Hey, he said we should come over for poker and barbeque when you get back. He said he'd get Simon and maybe Daryl over, too. And Joel. Want to go?”
“A chance to relieve you guys of your cash and play with the baby?” he teased. “Sounds good to me. And speaking of barbeque, we're still taking Steven out to Jimmy-Jack's when I get back, correct?”
“Yep. I called him today and confirmed that he's free on his birthday. He, uh, was asking about when we thought we could put Dad's house on the market. I told him not yet. I told him we thought Dad was still around, just kind of hiding from us. I swear, if he hadn't seen Dad's ghost, too, he would have thought I'd gone off the deep end when I told him about the spirit plane and how we can go there.”
Blair chuckled. “It does sound strange, but then you're a sentinel and I'm a shaman. Weird comes with the territory. I'm going to try again before I go to sleep to see if I can find your dad. I'm not sure how time would be measured on the spirit plane, but I know he doesn't have much left. Why don't you try to meditate, too? Maybe we can meet up at the pool.”
“I'll try. See you in the flesh tomorrow.”
I told him I loved him then and reluctantly hung up the phone, and headed up to bed myself.
Blair had suggested meditating, but I did best with him guiding me through it. I wasn't about to light a bunch of candles like he usually did. If I zoned, I didn't want a fire to start.
Blair was much better at sending himself to the spirit plane than I was. Most of the times I'd gone to Blue Jungle Land - Blair's name for the spirit plane was permanently stuck in my head now - had been when I'd gone to sleep first.
Turning out the lights, I got comfortable in bed. I stared up at the skylight and tried to ignore the fact that it could use a good cleaning.
I focused on one star, bright enough to be seen through city lights, and slowed my breath. If we had a house out in the country, we'd see so many more stars...
I breathed evenly and thought about the path through the jungle to the pool Blair and I liked to soak in. I thought then about my father. I wanted closure with him. I wanted to tell him I loved him. Funny how we don't tell the people we love that enough. I had started telling Blair that every day. Sometimes I'd whisper it against his skin, an invisible tattoo of my desire, my love for him. Other times, it was just a part of everyday life. A message on his cell phone: “Pick up some groceries on your way home, Chief. Love you. Bye.” Or, I'd tell him when he left to go to work: “Drive safely, I love you.”
Blinking heavily, I felt myself falling asleep, Blair was always annoyed with himself if he fell asleep while meditating, since it's apparently sort of an amateur move, but I never cared when I did it. I turned my head at the sound of soft feet padding towards me and saw the black jaguar. My last thought was that he was there to show me the way, and I stared into his eyes until mine closed.
XXX
I ran on the jungle paths, my body marked with Chopec symbols, wearing my worn camos. The jaguar was ahead of me, and I ran faster to catch up to him. Deeper and deeper into the dense vegetation I followed him, sometimes losing sight of him as the path twisted and turned. Abruptly he left the path and bounded up a steep hill and disappeared behind a jagged outcrop of rock. I didn't stop to consider if it was wise to leave the path or not; I trusted my spirit guide implicitly. I followed him.
When I climbed around the boulders I saw the jaguar waiting for me at the mouth of a large cave, high above me. I found hand and toe holds and raised myself bit by bit until I had pulled myself up onto the wide ledge before the cave entrance. My spirit guide came towards me; as he did, he morphed into my image. He reached out his hand in a gesture of welcome, and I grasped it, letting my fingers slide down his arm to lock above his wrist in a warrior's greeting. He mirrored my actions, then released me.
“Greetings, Enqueri. Come sit by the fire and talk.” He turned and I followed him into the cave, which was large and dry. There was a small campfire burning and I sat down cross-legged across from him.
“Why have you brought me to this place? Is there a problem with my guide?”
My spirit-twin shook his head. “He sorrows for the plight of one he considers to be kin. He asks that you stand with him and that together you help the lost one to find the way all souls must take.”
“I came to do just that. So why are we talking instead of me meeting my little shaman. What must I do first?”
“You must be patient, Enqueri. Gaze into the fire and let your mind clear. Then ask for help regarding what troubles you about your future. One who has traveled that path will answer. You must face your fears to have peace. I go to bring the little shaman.”
He morphed back into the jaguar and bounded out of the cave.
I did as he asked, watching the small branches sizzle and burn bright, small explosions of sparks illuminating the dimness around me.
My spirit guide was a great one for telling me to face my fears. We'd had some interesting conversations in the past on that topic.
It wasn't my fear that my father would remain a ghost that my spiritual adviser wanted me to consider, though. There was no ambivalence about that at all. I wanted Dad to find peace and move on, and I was ready to tell him I forgave him. I had thought that I needed him to explain himself, but I was a detective. I had put the pieces together about his motivation for deciding to kill Blair. Well, most of the pieces. I wasn't sure what Blair had said to him that triggered my father's impulsive plan to lure Blair to come see him so he could poison him. I would like to know those kinds of details. And I wanted the name of his contact. The person who had hired the hit-men and sent the two guys who'd come to clean up Dad's mess for him. The P.D. probably couldn't charge the asshole for Blair's case, but an undercover operation could take him down.
God, I could still get shivers remembering the close call Blair had experienced that day. If Henri had checked on Blair even ten minutes later, Blair might have been smothered to death.
The big picture I felt I understood when it came to Dad's actions. He'd internalized my grandfather's message of disgust and fear about men having same-sex relations at such a young age that for the rest of his life he'd been just reacting to situations that triggered it without doing any critical thinking about why he felt the way he did. I thought Dad had been bi-sexual, but so severely repressed about it that he couldn't let himself act in any way that would let the outside world know that he sometimes was attracted to another boy or man.
He hadn't wanted me to be like him. He'd feared that I'd end up like his brother Michael when he realized that I was attracted to Blair. Dad didn't know that I'd been having sexual encounters with my own sex since I was a teenager. He'd thought Blair was leading me down a path that would end in my utter destruction. Blair had to be removed, sent away, and finally killed, all to keep me safe. He must have thought that without Blair around to seduce me, I'd stay safely heterosexual.
And yet, he also could see that Blair was a good man. Blair is hard to resist, to dislike, even when he's being deliberately annoying, and he wanted Dad to like him. He was always charming and helpful when we met with my father. I think that Dad became fond of Blair, even as he cast him as the villain in our little drama. In the letters he'd sent to some of Blair's employers, he'd said Blair was suspected of being a sex offender. In Dad's eyes, I guess Blair was, since Dad was convinced Blair was seducing me into homosexuality.
Poor Dad. The cognitive dissonance must have given him migraines.
It couldn't have been easy for him, as a father, to watch his son flirting with danger. And he wasn't exactly wrong, either. Incidents of gay-bashing and discrimination happened every day.
Being a parent, I'd been thinking for a while now, had to be terrifying at times.
Being a parent was something I'd been considering lately.
I hadn't said anything to Blair yet because I wasn't sure I did want to be a father. I mean, look at my family tree. My grandfather had done hideous things as a parent. My dad had been so wrapped up in his business that he'd had little time for Stevie and me, and when he did take an active role he ended up alienating me from my brother. And yet he had loved us. I knew that, too. God, if you learn how to be a parent from your own parents, then any kid of mine was screwed.
Moodily, I stood up and walked to where branches had been roughly stacked at the front of the cave I grabbed an armful to feed to the fire, then I heard a soft movement behind me.
From the back of the cave, something small was stealthily coming forward.
I slowly walked back to the fire and crouched down, adding new sticks of wood to it in a pattern that would ensure the flames would blaze up. I heard the movement again, the soft, fast exhalation of breath. I kept my eyes on the front of the cave, hoping that Blair would arrive now. He knew how to handle William. Especially if William chose to appear as a child again.
The footsteps changed, four feet became two, the fast breaths slowing into deeper ones.
I could smell my dad's aftershave. He'd been an Old Spice man ever since I could remember.
A hand came to rest on my shoulder. I closed my eyes.
“Jimmy.”
I rose and turned, saw my father as he'd been in the last year of his life. Tall, handsome, wearing dress slacks, and an expensive button-down shirt, he looked like the confident business man he'd been. It was all a front, a disguise, one that I could see past when I looked into his eyes.
He was dreading this encounter. He was terrified of what I was going to say to him.
“Dad. You know, you're good at hiding. Blair and I have been looking for you.”
He nodded, took a deep breath. “I'm good at hiding because I've been doing it since I was nine years old. Hiding from myself, mostly, but from your mother and brother, too, and from my friends. It's what I know how to do.”
“You're not hiding now.”
He looked at me beseechingly. “Because we need to talk. About quite a few things, but when your spirit guide found me in this cave, he told me what's been on your mind. Jimmy, I want to help you; I'm your father.”
“Actually, Dad, it's because you are my father that I'm having trouble figuring out what I should do. I don't want to be the kind of father that you were. I've caught myself setting Blair up for no-win situations sometimes, like you used to do to Stevie and me. I'd rather not be a parent than treat a kid like that.”
“Trust yourself, Jimmy. You'll break the cycle that I learned from my father, and you won't make the mistakes that I did. I tried to make you and Steven tough by pitting you against each other for my favor. To teach you that you both had to compete with each other and stay sharp, not let your guard down. You know what a failure that approach was.”
“It just made us resent each other.” I pressed my hand hard against my suddenly rock hard neck muscles.
Dad looked guilty. “That wasn't everything. I let my career consume my time, and I told myself I was being a good provider. I was doing it all for you and Steven, paving the way for you boys to join my company. I learned too late that I could never take that time back, to simply play with you boys, go to your games, watch your school plays. Read stories to you. Oh, I would tiptoe into your rooms when you boys were asleep. I'd cover you and Steven up, but I could be tender then because you boys couldn't see me. I thought a father should be stern, like my father had been. But that was me.”
He stepped a little closer. “Jimmy, I watched you with your brother when you were little. You were protective and kind to him. Your coaches told me how you would take the younger players under your wing. You volunteered as a Big Brother and from what I learned you did a great job of mentoring that youngster, Danny. I don't believe you would ignore any children of yours. I believe you would lay down your life for them. If I have any advice for you at all, it would be to listen to them, and be fair with them. I learned that lesson far too late to benefit you and Steven. Hold them, hug them, don't be afraid to express love towards them. Accept them for who they are, and support them. I tried to mold you and your brother into, well, not my image, but how I thought a successful man should be. I was so wrong, but Jimmy, you would be a good father.”
“If you had it to do over, would you have stayed childless?”
“You were wanted, Jimmy, and so was Steven. I wish that I could go back in time with what I've learned and be a better father to you both. I've made such mistakes. I remember the first time I held you, when your mother was so tired one night and you were fussy and hungry. I was half afraid that I would drop you, but I didn't. You sucked the bottle till it was empty and then looked at me. You know, you still make that same expression sometimes. And I cuddled you and promised you and myself that I'd always protect you.”
He bit his lip and then blurted out, “I'm so sorry, Jim. I'm so very sorry for what I did to you and Blair. I thought I was keeping that promise by sending Blair away. It's not safe to be a homosexual, and I didn't want Blair there to tempt you. Oh, I could see why you liked him. Loved him. Truth to tell, I liked him, too. But he was dangerous for you to be around. I was afraid you would track him down, that's why I kept tabs on him, so I could keep him moving to new places. I thought in another year or two, you would have forgotten about him, and I would have stopped the harassment. That year after he left was just too soon to leave him alone; you were still feeling so hurt by his abandoning you. I was afraid you might go looking for him. Each month that went by with you staying in Cascade made me feel a little easier. But then he turned up in that little town in Tennessee and you went to see him. When Sullivan told me that, I knew I couldn't take a chance on you falling back under his spell.”
I interrupted him. “Dad, who did you hire to take the hit out on Blair? I want to nail his ass.”
“I owe you that information, I know. Rick Davis, the head of Davis Shipping. I had heard things about him for years. Rumors mostly, but I sent out feelers and he said he would take care of it. For a price, of course.”
I said, more to myself than my father, “He subbed that job out to local Tennessee talent.”
Dad nodded. “Yes, I gathered as much. When Sully, ah, Captain Sullivan, told me that Blair had escaped death and returned to Cascade with you, I tried to contact Davis again, but was only able to leave a message for him to get in touch. I really wasn't sure what to tell him. I was hoping that you and Blair were still estranged and that you were safe. But then I talked to Blair on the phone, and the way he said your name told me he had feelings still for you. He told me you had lent him your phone and he said he would see you that night. I knew then that it was too late. He had snared you again. I felt so desperate, and when Blair agreed to see me, and to not tell anyone, I decided to take care of the problem myself.”
“The problem! The problem has a name, and a life, Dad!”
“You're right. Of course I see how wrong I was now, but on that night, I thought maybe things could still be salvaged if Blair was dead. I decided to sacrifice Blair myself to save you.” He looked away for a moment and then back at me. “I had second thoughts about killing him. I almost stopped him from drinking the coffee I'd doctored with my medicine. Then I thought about my brother and his death, and I hardened my heart. But don't think for a minute that I wanted to do that to Blair. When the police came and I realized that Blair hadn't been honest with me about being alone, I couldn't face the disgrace. I thought I'd spare you and Steven the trial and seeing me sent to prison. I'm profoundly sorry for all of it, Jim.”
“You were dead on the floor, Dad, and your head was...” I couldn't finish. Dad stepped closer and tentatively put his arms around me. I let my father comfort me and his arms tightened into a hard embrace.
He whispered to me, “Jim, my son, please forgive me for what I've done to you and Blair. Forgive me for trying to make you deny who you were and are, as a boy and as a man. I love you, and I love Steven. Please tell him that, for me.”
I hugged him back, tears wet on my face, and then let him go and stepped back.
I heard Blair's voice a distance away, talking to my spirit guide.
“Blair is coming. Do you realize that he's a shaman, Dad? He's an amazing man and I love him with everything I have within me. He's a healer. He helped me to let go of things that were damaging my soul.“
My dad smiled. “He helped me, too. I think you're good for each other, and if you want it, you have my blessing. And Jim, you should talk to Blair about having a family.”
“I will. He's good with kids. I used to tell people it was because he wasn't much older than a kid himself, kind of implying it in a mental way, but that's not it. He listens to them and respects them and just enjoys them. He's got the knack of managing children. But maybe that's just the teacher in him.”
My father smiled. “He has a gift when it comes to teaching. He taught me to accept I hadn't been a bad child. He would be a good father, too.”
“I don't know if he wants kids. But when I see him with children, like when he's holding Henri's baby daughter in his arms, it makes me want to see him with our kid. Kids. We could adopt or maybe find a surrogate mother.”
Dad put his arm around me. “I regret so much about my life, Jim, but I've never regretted bringing you and Steven into the world. Your mother didn't either. She, well, she slipped away from us for her own reasons, but it was never because of you and your brother.”
An epiphany struck me. I wondered if the reason I'd let Blair leave Cascade and hadn't tried to find him was because my father had never tried to locate my mother when she left. It was the Ellison way, apparently.
I said, “Blair will be here soon. Are you ready to say goodbye and leave this place?”
“I have something to say to Blair first. And then, I don't know. What happens if I go away? Where will I be?” I heard the fear again in his voice. I had no answers for him.
I heard Blair climbing up the hill to us. I felt... a mixture of things. Suddenly, I didn't want my father to go either. I still had so much to talk about with him. He should be back at his house, alive, enjoying Sally's cooking and reading the paper. Going with me to auto shows. Telling stories to my sons or daughters about the mischief I'd gotten into as a boy.
I'd never have that now. My throat felt thick, my eyes hot and stinging. My father just hugged me tighter.
Blair climbed up the last few steps to the ledge. He was flanked on either side by the wolf and the jaguar.
He was wearing the necklace I'd given him twice, the first time as a symbol of how much I appreciated his friendship and the second time to mark becoming my lover for the rest of our lives. I hoped it would be for eternity.
Dad was hesitant to go into the great unknown. If it was my time to cross over, I knew I would drag my feet unless Blair could go with me.
The many-pointed silver star necklace gleamed on his chest. It looked really good on him.
I couldn't say the same for those eye-jarring, headache inducing Bermudas he was wearing. I gave a mental note of thanks that they only existed on the spirit plane.
My father stiffened and pulled away from our sideways embrace.
Blair smiled, warm as a sunny day, at my dad and walked without hesitation to him, opening his arms wide. He stopped before crossing into my dad's personal space.
I waited to see what Dad would do.
My father stepped forward and accepted the hug, and then closed his own arms around Blair and hugged him until Blair made a squeaky sort of noise.
Then my dad kissed Blair on the cheek, looking very self-conscious, and stepped back.
Blair laughed delightedly. “One thing I'll say for the Ellison men. You guys sure can hug. William, I'm so glad to see you again. Are you well?”
Blair tilted his head sideways and I knew he was seeing William differently than the way my father had chosen to represent himself this time.
“Still a little worried about some things, but man, what a long way you've come. I'm so proud of you. I really wish that we had gotten to know each other better before you died.”
Blair spoke sincerely, but his words were also a reminder that the clock was ticking for my dad. Blair had said Dad's time for being able to leave was ending very soon.
“Blair, I'm sorry--”
“I know. You've already told me so. And you've squared things with Jim. Now you have to do the hardest part. Forgive yourself, William James Ellison. You've accepted that you've made terrible mistakes, and you understand why you made them. You have asked for our forgiveness and we have given it to you, and Jim acts as Steven's proxy for this matter.”
Blair put his hands on my dad's shoulders and drew him down until their foreheads were touching. It was a Chopec gesture, and I supposed my spirit guide had taught it to him.
“Let it go. Your self-hate and your fear. Let it all flow away from you. Accept yourself, all of yourself, and take that peace with you. The time has come for you to decide your fate.”
My father started breathing in time to Blair's breathing. He reached out and rested his arms around Blair's waist.
I couldn't say how long my dad and Blair stayed that way because I was struggling with my own grief. This was it. The final parting of the ways. Even if Dad remained a ghost, he would mostly be stripped of everything that made him my father.
Finally, my dad let go of Blair and raised his head. Blair dropped his hands from Dad's shoulders and held his arm out to me. I stepped into the comfort of his embrace and waited for my dad to say what he wanted to do.
“So, if I stay here I would live here, in this jungle?”
Blair said, “No. You won't come here again, William. You will become an earth-bound spirit, doomed to haunt the house where you killed yourself. I hope that at least you won't try to harm anybody who comes there, but I'm not certain. That form of yourself is more... hmmm. Locked in to the trauma of death, I think. I doubt that you will remember any of your time on this spirit plane. You will just be a ghost, and find it difficult, very difficult to communicate. You will relive your death, and show any who summon you how you killed yourself.”
“And what happens to me if I choose to leave this jungle? Where do I go? Heaven? Hell? Reincarnation? I was never a religious man and I have no real faith to cling to for support. Tell me, Blair. Jim said you're a shaman. What will happen to me?”
“Does the baby leaving the womb know what lies ahead? No. But our children leave their mother's bodies just the same. Did you know that it's the baby who initiates birth? I don't know what lies ahead for you. I don't know what lies ahead for me, or Jim, when it's our time. But it is your time right now, William, and if you do not accept that change then your soul will languish on the earthly plane, stillborn.”
I looked at Blair, feeling the truth of his words, and it seemed to me that they had echoed as he spoke, power, true power infusing them.
My little shaman indeed.
My father closed his eyes and we waited.
When he opened them again, I could see he'd made his decision. He squared his shoulders and stood tall.
“I've been afraid for most of my life. I'll be damned if I let my fears conquer me at the end. I'll go and see what's on the other side of the veil.”
“'But that the dread of something after death, the undiscover'd country from whose bourn no traveler returns, puzzles the will,'” Blair said. “We can't go with you, not all the way, but we'll keep you company for as long as we can.”
Blair walked over to where the wolf and jaguar had made themselves comfortable by the campfire. He looked first into the wolf's eyes, and then the jaguar's, and they followed him back to William and me.
“Jim and I can give you some help, if you agree. Our spirit guides will lend you strength until they themselves must return. If they travel too far, Jim and I will die. We're trusting you to let them go at the final turn of the path, all right?”
William said, shocked, “How can you trust me like that? Blair, Jim, that's too risky. It's not safe for you.”
Blair said, “Life is full of risks, man, and sometimes you have to give trust in order to receive it back. I'm trusting you, William.” He glanced at me, clearly asking if he had overstepped his place, but I just nodded.
“Blair speaks for me, Dad. Go with my love and my trust.”
“And mine. Do you accept this gift?”
Wiliam looked searchingly at each of us, and then nodded. The wolf ambled over to where my father was standing and butted him around the knees. He morphed into Blair, naked and beautiful, and melted into William. Then it was my spirit guide's turn, and I saw the image of myself, camouflage getup and Chopec face paint included, follow suit.
William took a deep breath, and smiled. He looked around, first at the front of the cave, and then towards the back. He said, “The path is this way. I can feel it.”
I walked over to him and took one hand, and Blair took the other.
My dad stepped towards his future and we kept him company as we went further and further into the cave.
I suppose everyone's path from this life is different. My father's path looked nothing like the trail I had called Blair back from, when he'd died at the fountain. It was rocky, and hard going at places, but at last the cave narrowed down and brilliant light bathed the remaining path upwards. The cave had never totally darkened, there were small openings high above that allowed light and air into the cavern, but this was incandescent.
William let go of our hands, and we hugged him one last time. He whispered to me to tell Stevie that he loved him. He cast his eyes toward Blair and said, also quietly, “Talk to him soon, son.”
Blair kissed Dad on the cheek, and my father touched the spot, smiling.
“Goodbye,” he said, and he walked away from us. We watched him follow the trail upwards until he came to the opening, high above us. He waved one last time, a small dark silhouette outlined against the beckoning brilliance.
He turned and climbed out of the cave and disappeared.
Blair and I waited, holding hands. I suppose I was having a small, niggling doubt that maybe Dad would be unable to let our spirit guides return, and if so, then I was going to die holding tight to Blair.
Finally I heard the sound of running feet and our guides ran towards us and then mine jumped into me, and Blair's flung himself at my partner, and joined him.
I knew my dad was gone, and in the end he had passed over peacefully. I took a deep breath and jerked my head back towards the front of the cave where I could smell the campfire, even if I couldn't see it past the bends of the trail.
We returned to it in silence, but a comfortable one. I sat down and pulled Blair down to sit in front of me, my legs bracketing his body. We stayed that way for a long time, and I took comfort from my lover's presence and I felt he took it from mine.
“Jim, are you okay?”
“I suppose that at times I'll feel sad again, Chief. I'm also thankful that he made the decision he did. And that he released our spirit guides to come back to us. I'm glad that we'll have the chance to keep building a life together.”
“William said that you should talk to me. What's that about?”
“I thought I was supposed to be the one with the bat ears. But I do have something to ask you. You know, we're kind of dusty from being in this cave and I'd like to go back to our pool and float around. Make love to you again in the water. Morning will come soon enough, and I'll wake up in the loft and you'll get up from the bunk in your truck and start driving again. So let's spend some quality time together while we can.”
Blair wiggled free and rose. He extended a strong arm to me and I took it. I stood up and stretched.
“Chief, I've never heard you quote Shakespeare before.”
“Uh, what? Oh, what I said to William. Well, um, not exactly.”
I heard a hint of a smile in his voice. “Okay, Sandburg. Explain.”
“It's the nerdy geek in me. I was quoting from the Star Trek movie, The Undiscovered Country. So I guess it was second-hand Shakespeare?”
I started to laugh. I tried to give him a noogie but he was too agile and ducked away. I took a good look at him. Short, strong body. Beautiful curls that a renaissance artist would have adored. Tip-tilted nose, lush lips. My Blair.
Then I frowned. Those god-awful Bermudas were ruining the picture. They had to go.
Blair looked down in surprise as he found himself nude once again, but still wearing his necklace.
Then he rolled his eyes. “Always with you, I've got to be naked here.”
“Well, yeah.”
He grinned mischievously. I found that my clothing and tribal markings were gone.
“Hey, we're sharing this joint now. And you know, I can get with the whole 'Having my lover be nude for me' program.”
He reached out and ran his hand down my chest. “Mmmmm. Smooth and hard. I 've always loved the way your chest looks. Feels. And tag, you're it.”
He tore out of the cave, laughing like a loon. He panted out, “Catch me before I get to the pool and I'll let you ride me. I get there first, and you fuck me.”
I chased him, grinning fiercely.
I knew in my bones that life with my little shaman was never going to be dull.
The End
Epilog to follow on the next post