what is real anymore??
i have a problem. i dettach myself from people very easily. it started as a good thing, a survival mechanism 2 yrs ago...probably a 1 or 2 too late honestly. now that, it's inflitrated my system and i can't figure out if i turn off to people too quickly, or if maybe it's a good thing.
regardless, i'm in high distancing mode from someone, partially because i have to, but i'm at a point where i can't tell where i'm sitting anymore or how easy it will be to go back.
i need 3 consistent people in my life to feel balanced. over the years, i've figured out that that's the magic number. too many ppl make my life feel hectic, too little make my life feel claustrophobic. when i first moved here, i had randy, georgie, and chris who i was dating. georgie then went crazy. chris and i became just friends...but very awesome good friends. then i had randy, chris, and sarah, who i had always known, suddenly became attached to my hip. this winter, minor turn around...chris and i, while still decent friends, went through a hard phase of our friendhship, so i was left with randy and sarah being my right hand people. then i started dating travis, and as we all know by now that was a hot mess,but he was a constant in my life. then, travis and i split, sarah becomes unreliable due to doug, and i have randy.
granted, there are a lot of great people in my life. i just barely see them once a week, and when i do it's in a group setting. i'm thankful for that...but my one on one balance is super off. i've been meeting new people, primarily girls to be friends with and guys i'm going on dates with...so lately i've been more distracted. and i truly believe that those spots will come together within a month. i'm just not convinced sarah is gonna be in one.
last night a small group of us hung out, including sarah and doug. now, i can't remember if i've blogged about this, but i've spent some quality time with doug now. i actually kind of like him and enjoy his company. so it's not "doug" that's the problem, it's sarah's reaction to everything. last night, the 2 of them wouldn't talk to us. they had the personalities of a door knob. and it was only 6 of us, so with the two of them on the end not talking...it was awkward. quiet is one thing..but this isn't a classic quiet case. sarah usually is interactive...in fact, at my dance party (without doug), she was her old self. doug, while i do like him, doesn't even make an effort to mesh with her friends. and for the others, more than me, that's really awkward to just have this dude sitting there. i even tried to talk to sarah one on one when the conseration of the group didn't seem all that interesting, and it was like she had lost brain waves (i'm sorry that's offsensive, i'm not even trying to crack a joke...i literally can NOT think of a better way to explain it).
i'm sorry, but a healthy relationship enhances who you are. it doesn't stiffle it, or bring out traits that weren't there originally. i can forgive and forget a lot if things are to change in the future...i'm not even "mad" in the classic sense right now. my head just hurts from never knowing which personality i'm gonna get by my supposed best female friend here, who called me her "little sister." and when people flip the switch is when i have the hardest time moving past it. say she and doug were to break up...and she went back to old sarah. how do i know she won't do this again? she's been engaged before and she told me (pre-doug) that she used to act a lot like this when she was in a serious relationship before. i guess she hasn't learned. i don't know. say her and doug truly do stay together, and she stays the same way she is now...then what? she's not the person i was friends with to begin with, and the evolution (read: overnight transistion) doesn't work for our dynamic. it doesn't mean i won't love her, wish her the best, be FRIENDS with her...but we won't be good friends.
this is all so confusing and drastic. i don't know how to navigate this. i'm doing good on the surface so far, but there is so much going on. i haven't written about more than half the events driving me crazy bc they'd be too personal for her and a betrayl on my part. i hate not knowing how this is going to unfold and i hate how much this bothers and me and throws me off balance.
regardless, i'm in high distancing mode from someone, partially because i have to, but i'm at a point where i can't tell where i'm sitting anymore or how easy it will be to go back.
i need 3 consistent people in my life to feel balanced. over the years, i've figured out that that's the magic number. too many ppl make my life feel hectic, too little make my life feel claustrophobic. when i first moved here, i had randy, georgie, and chris who i was dating. georgie then went crazy. chris and i became just friends...but very awesome good friends. then i had randy, chris, and sarah, who i had always known, suddenly became attached to my hip. this winter, minor turn around...chris and i, while still decent friends, went through a hard phase of our friendhship, so i was left with randy and sarah being my right hand people. then i started dating travis, and as we all know by now that was a hot mess,but he was a constant in my life. then, travis and i split, sarah becomes unreliable due to doug, and i have randy.
granted, there are a lot of great people in my life. i just barely see them once a week, and when i do it's in a group setting. i'm thankful for that...but my one on one balance is super off. i've been meeting new people, primarily girls to be friends with and guys i'm going on dates with...so lately i've been more distracted. and i truly believe that those spots will come together within a month. i'm just not convinced sarah is gonna be in one.
last night a small group of us hung out, including sarah and doug. now, i can't remember if i've blogged about this, but i've spent some quality time with doug now. i actually kind of like him and enjoy his company. so it's not "doug" that's the problem, it's sarah's reaction to everything. last night, the 2 of them wouldn't talk to us. they had the personalities of a door knob. and it was only 6 of us, so with the two of them on the end not talking...it was awkward. quiet is one thing..but this isn't a classic quiet case. sarah usually is interactive...in fact, at my dance party (without doug), she was her old self. doug, while i do like him, doesn't even make an effort to mesh with her friends. and for the others, more than me, that's really awkward to just have this dude sitting there. i even tried to talk to sarah one on one when the conseration of the group didn't seem all that interesting, and it was like she had lost brain waves (i'm sorry that's offsensive, i'm not even trying to crack a joke...i literally can NOT think of a better way to explain it).
i'm sorry, but a healthy relationship enhances who you are. it doesn't stiffle it, or bring out traits that weren't there originally. i can forgive and forget a lot if things are to change in the future...i'm not even "mad" in the classic sense right now. my head just hurts from never knowing which personality i'm gonna get by my supposed best female friend here, who called me her "little sister." and when people flip the switch is when i have the hardest time moving past it. say she and doug were to break up...and she went back to old sarah. how do i know she won't do this again? she's been engaged before and she told me (pre-doug) that she used to act a lot like this when she was in a serious relationship before. i guess she hasn't learned. i don't know. say her and doug truly do stay together, and she stays the same way she is now...then what? she's not the person i was friends with to begin with, and the evolution (read: overnight transistion) doesn't work for our dynamic. it doesn't mean i won't love her, wish her the best, be FRIENDS with her...but we won't be good friends.
this is all so confusing and drastic. i don't know how to navigate this. i'm doing good on the surface so far, but there is so much going on. i haven't written about more than half the events driving me crazy bc they'd be too personal for her and a betrayl on my part. i hate not knowing how this is going to unfold and i hate how much this bothers and me and throws me off balance.