warning: this is long....and lame
I've been doing alot of thinking, about myself, about my situation, about all the things running through my mind. I really just wonder who I am. What's unique about me? What is are the words to describe me? And not just the typical "smart, silly, nice, good sense of humor" type things, but REAL things. I'm trying to find that phrase that just fits in to me, that expresses who I am, in a neatly packaged beautiful phrase. And that is so hard to find....I just feel mixed up, and if I had something to bind me, to live by, then maybe I can start to understand where I'm at and what I'm doing. And plus, it would make a great addition to a little project of mine. Some people just have that unique saying that you always associate with them. I don't think I have anything like that. I don't think I'm special enough. Really, there's not a whole lot I can identify with me, things that I do that no one else does quite like me. I'm plain, generic, boring. But surely God has something special and different for me, somewhere, something that identifies me from all the other people in this world. Surely something that makes someone rememeber me...but for the life of me I dont know what it is. And people don't remember me, even my friends forget I exist, and when I reach out to them, they're like "oh yea! I do know you....you're so easily forgettable...."
What's my thing? What does "Lauren" mean to anyone? What is that thing that I'm supposed to do in life? I often wonder when/where will I find my passion. I am just going through the motions today, and tomorrow. Just go to the internship. Just finish the degree. And after that, you're flat out on your own. I can't find that thing that I'm like "wow I want to do this all day long, and pour my heart and soul into it". I dunno. I am somewhat passionate about my degree (which is community health). I want people to be healthy, eat healthy, get exercise, make the right health decisions...I want that. But I don't do it in my daily life, how can I influence anyone to do it themselves? I know the facts, but I don't know if the passion is there. When I think of passion, I really think of my professor at A&M, soon to be Dr. Beth Mcneill. That woman has passion, a fire for health education. It gets her going, she gets so animated and excited about teaching us. She just wants top pour out her wealth of knowledge into our brains because she gets so much enjoyment out of it. That is passion. And I want that kind of passion! I do enjoy public health alot. Its not terribly awful, like a math teacher or an engineer would be to me. But I can't find that drive.
Maybe I'm just burned out. Too burned out to find what I want to do in life. I don't even want to think about it. I just want to exist. But even with that I am sad. I have no purpose. My purpose right now is to finish the internship. That's all well and good, but I feel like I'm lacking in so many other places and I don't know what to do about it. I'm all alone in this leg of the journey and I hate it. And soon that purpose will be done. And then what? What do I do? I've got no money to speak of, at least not enough to start a life. I've got no direction to head in, no career that I would just love to do. I like health- but my degree doesn't qualify me for hardly anything. At least I can't find anything in Texas that I can apply for that in my degree. Ahhh all this stresses me out. I've always been one to plan, to set my path and go with it. Well my path is ending,and I can't for the life of me find another one to hop on to. Its all mountains, valleys, and uncharted waters..... and that scares the shit out of me.
Wow this became a long mass of lame posting. I still have so much more I'd like to write down. I might come back later tonight and do that, just to get it off my chest. Its not like anyone reads this anyway.
What's my thing? What does "Lauren" mean to anyone? What is that thing that I'm supposed to do in life? I often wonder when/where will I find my passion. I am just going through the motions today, and tomorrow. Just go to the internship. Just finish the degree. And after that, you're flat out on your own. I can't find that thing that I'm like "wow I want to do this all day long, and pour my heart and soul into it". I dunno. I am somewhat passionate about my degree (which is community health). I want people to be healthy, eat healthy, get exercise, make the right health decisions...I want that. But I don't do it in my daily life, how can I influence anyone to do it themselves? I know the facts, but I don't know if the passion is there. When I think of passion, I really think of my professor at A&M, soon to be Dr. Beth Mcneill. That woman has passion, a fire for health education. It gets her going, she gets so animated and excited about teaching us. She just wants top pour out her wealth of knowledge into our brains because she gets so much enjoyment out of it. That is passion. And I want that kind of passion! I do enjoy public health alot. Its not terribly awful, like a math teacher or an engineer would be to me. But I can't find that drive.
Maybe I'm just burned out. Too burned out to find what I want to do in life. I don't even want to think about it. I just want to exist. But even with that I am sad. I have no purpose. My purpose right now is to finish the internship. That's all well and good, but I feel like I'm lacking in so many other places and I don't know what to do about it. I'm all alone in this leg of the journey and I hate it. And soon that purpose will be done. And then what? What do I do? I've got no money to speak of, at least not enough to start a life. I've got no direction to head in, no career that I would just love to do. I like health- but my degree doesn't qualify me for hardly anything. At least I can't find anything in Texas that I can apply for that in my degree. Ahhh all this stresses me out. I've always been one to plan, to set my path and go with it. Well my path is ending,and I can't for the life of me find another one to hop on to. Its all mountains, valleys, and uncharted waters..... and that scares the shit out of me.
Wow this became a long mass of lame posting. I still have so much more I'd like to write down. I might come back later tonight and do that, just to get it off my chest. Its not like anyone reads this anyway.