Confused As Always
I don't know what it is or how I become the way I am. I wish it did not happen, I feel as if I strive or crave to be someone I am not. I thought I was happy with who I am for once in my life. Happy with everything, happy with my looks, me personality, just happy with me. Maybe this is a relapse and I will bounce back. Let's hope. I feel lost again and further away from what I want in life now more than ever. Today was the first time in a long time that I missed Adam in a long time, not missed him but the strong feelings I had for him. I'm scared that I will like someone again the same way and be hurt again. I think I want someone yet at the same time the thought of it scares the hell out of me. I have this inkling that in the back of my mind I feel as if all men are liars and say what they want to get what they want. This is not me thriving for a new orientation. I just have a feeling I'll be lonely the rest of my life, maybe I will just have to learn to be content with that. Not meaning for this to come off in a jealous way but I feel like in my whole group of friends and a small group at that I am never the girl that guys want to flirt with or are attracted to, no I am the fat girl the one that makes everyone laugh and unknowingly could possibly be the butt of all jokes. I want to be the pretty one, the one that can wear what ever they want, and feel confident. Yet, writing that I feel disgusted thinking that just for guys to be interested in me I'd be willing to change everything about who I am to be eye candy. It seems that in todays society, looks matter, and only looks matter. Comical almost, yeah I read somewhere that only the most successful marriages sprout from the most beautiful people!!! Vomiting in my mouth as I write that. I want my glasses! I now have my glasses. Is it a sin to be depressed and sick if being ugly and unwanted by any male? I highly doubt it is, but maybe I'll just deal. Insert pity here. It's funny how we think, "man why do I always date the assholes when so and so has such a nice boyfriend." When in fact so and so's boyfriend is an asshole to them. I hate it, I want to brake down and cry right now, how lame is that. I feel like when people are over, all I hear is noise, noise, and more noise. I can't even breathe anymore, the pain is all to suffocating. I want everything in my life to be perfect, I want all the trouble to go the fuck away. Sometimes, this is going to sound shitty but when people bother me I want to think of ways to kill them, anyway I would never really kill anyone, because I'm sure I would get killed. Ugh why can't I get him the hell out of my head. Choking. Gross. Bad thoughts. Pretty Yellow Flowers. I am sick of my life, I want a new one. Lacy is here and it's amazing but there is more than one thing that sucks about it. Number one she will have to leave soon and two my neighbor Aaron only started to come over since she was here and I think that it sucks. (ps he wants me to make him eggs) Anyways why don't they just fuck right on my bed. No offense to you Lacy, I love you. I think I'll go now that the horny already dating neighbor has left.